I've had this on my mind for some time now.

My husband was a repeat WS. The first time he cheated on me and our marriage I was a complete and utter mess. I didn't know MB existed but I instinctually implemented a Plan A.

In my devistation, I lost so much weight I was down to a size 0 (I'm 5'9"). I became addicted to xanax and I became my husband's dormat trying to show him how much I loved him because he said my love was "conditional". One of his many many reasons he said he was cheating on me.

Like Harley predicts, my husband's affair ended on it's own (died it's natural death) ... and it was a VERY ugly ending. My husband wanted me and our marriage back. Once out of the "FOG" he was shocked to see what the affair had done to me both physically and emotionally. He finally really "saw" me again.

So recently I've been thinking how he finally realized what his betrayal had done to me. And I've come to the conclusion that although it seemed to have shocked him to see it, it certainly didn't detour him from doing it again 7+ years later.

As a repeat offender, he KNEW what he was going to put me through and yet he did it again anyway.

I wonder about most of these repeat offenders. I wonder if the MB principals should apply. This question has been broached many times here and I wonder if Harley would take a different approach with serial cheaters.

Your thoughts on this are appreciated, and thanks for listening.

Love,
Jo

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 06:37 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong> I became addicted to xanax and I became my husband's dormat trying to show him how much I loved him because he said my love was "conditional". One of his many many reasons he said he was cheating on me.

Jo </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SH spent 45 minutes with my wife explaining to her that "Love is Conditional" not Unconditional like many believed such as myself.

He then went on to explain "How people Fall in love and Out of love." It all made sense to me.

SH asked me if my wife met my EN, I said yes she meets 4 of the 5. He said that's why you think love is unconditional. He then said what if she brought home her boyfriend and had Sex in front of you and your children, is your Love for her still Unconditional?

He said "I thought you said your Love for her was Unconditional?"

It all started to make sense to me, I was not meeting my wifes EN and she fell out of love with me.

All Love is "CONDITIONAL"

Thanks TD. I too learned that love IS conditional from sessions with Steve Harley the second time around.

I was told by not only Steve Harley but by our therapist that my H used it as a means of manipulation. It worked well, I felt massive guilt for not loving him unconditionally (inclusive of his cheating ways).

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 06:20 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Yep, my STBX is a repeater too. Though she thinks because it happened yesterday, or last week, or last year, that it doesn't count anymore. And she doesn't count any of her internet EA's either.

The funniest "condition" I find is that she declares I "HAVE" to trust her or else. I have had that for 16+ years. One lie after another and I'm supposed to trust her, because that last lie is over and done with. It's in the past, it doesn't count anymore.

Every good therapist would tell you that one have to fix his/her own emotional wound/disorder before fixing M.

I could share you about OM of my exW. He was molested by male and had sex w/ 17 yr. old girl while he was 13 yr. old. That girl later had sex w/ his father and broke his family. His mom is a nuts case ... I got the feeling that he is sexually abused by his mom too. Where I am going w/ this ?. He is a serial cheater and he was in M theraphy w/ a therapist that uses MB. It doesn't fix him. 1.5 years later, he cheat on his wife ... now his exW ... w/ my WW ... now my exW.

I think OM has borderline personality disorder. My exW doesn't realize it ... she uses all she know about MB to make her A work. They are in 'coaster 'til today. She has her own issues that she has to work on but fails to realize it.

If your WS has a personality disorder or any kind of mental health issues ... good luck on the next person taking him in.

IMVHO ... if you know that your WS has unresolved emotional wound ... your prognosis of your M is not good at all. She/he has to work on the issue(s) w/ IC before even working on M. You have to work with IC and MC yourself to really protect yourself. DoItYourSelfMBer won't cut it !.

-rh-

TY Redhat.

Thanks RH.

I try very hard NOT to diagnose my ex-H. Sometimes I feel we're looking for excuses for their bad marital behavior by diagnosing them with the latest designer syndrome. When in reality they are simply being selfishly cruel and un-caring to their faithful wife or husband.

Regarding counseling: During both of my ex-H's affairs he and I were in IC and MC. Didn't seem to help the marriage as he lied by omission, used manipulations and constant qualifiers.

I'm still very curious what Harley would have to say about repeat cheaters. I wonder if he'd recommend the A/B Infidelity Plans for situations where the WS is a serial cheater.

Jo

<small>[ December 24, 2004, 06:16 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

I remember Steve Harley saying that if he wife cheated on him, he would get a divorce. Why? Because they are following the MB principles and he knows he is meeting her needs, and checks in with her to be sure. So, it would seem that he would be pretty unsure about serial cheaters unless they understood and followed the principles of MB. Did that make sense?

Resilient,

Some WS have "real" disorder, OM included in my exW's A. It is not use for excuse, WS/OP still is guilty as charged, however to rebuild M the disorder has to be fixed first.

Plan A/B is still valid, but with "dual diagnosis <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> " BS should get MC help such that you could get protected in term of not staying in plan A nor plan B too long. My 2¢, to avoid enabeling A.

-rh-