Warning: Long post. It’s probably wordy but I feel wordy at the moment, just don’t know what to say to my wife!

What a lousy Christmas!!

Let me introduce myself, I’m 52 and I’m Whacked. I chose the name because I feel it rings true.

I’ve read many posts on here since yesterday and it seems most here are the Betrayed. I hate to admit it but I am the Betrayer. I never thought I would do this! Flame if you want but nothing is worse than the personal flames I’ve been feeling for too long.

My W and I were married on July 4th, 1994. It was a long distance courtship, 300 miles, where I went on most weekends. We dated for a year to be sure we loved each other and we did. The marriage was great with only a few problems that came with step-children. We were like the Brady Bunch (I hate that show), with her three daughters and my three boys and daughter.

To make a long story shorter, in the last few years we had a few major problems. My son died in 2001 ( I lost it) and her daughter and children moved in with us for an unpleasant, extended stay in the middle of 2003 through October 2004.

I was the superintendent of a company and I started staying at work later and later in the office so I didn’t have to go home to my step-daughter. It seemed like I had lost my house and my wife. Looking back, I believe that I was infuriated over that.

Then I really screwed up! I hired a Private Investigator to find my childhood GF who had lived up the street from me growing up. I found her in December 2003. In early January, I told my wife I wanted a divorce (which I didn’t really want) and I moved out . She was completely devastated! I can remember this painful experience like it was yesterday!

I began an affair with my GF and took a few flights from Texas to California. At the end of March, I moved to CA. After about 6 weeks, I called my wife and told her I had made the worst mistake of my life (and I had) and wanted to come home. She wanted me to come home too, but a fool is his worst enemy and I moved to New Mexico with my brother. I stayed until June 28th, the day of our appearance in divorce court which I still didn’t really want.

Moved back to CA then went to TX to see my W, then back to CA then back to TX and back to CA. All this time my wife wants me to come home and work our marriage out, but a fool (this one) knows no bounds. It was like I was hooked on my GF and I did all these stupid things, all the while knowing and telling my wife that I was still in love with her.

At Thanksgiving, my W calls me on the cell phone three times but I had misplaced it at work. When I found it on Sat., I listened to the messages. She told me she loved me so much and missed me and was really missing me on this day. Said she couldn’t stand the thought of me being out of her life! That’s when the fog started to lift!! I called her and we started talking.

In Dec., I found out that our divorce WASN’T final because we had to sign papers on the agreement. I still didn’t want this divorce that I had filed for and decided to take steps to stop it. I gave notice at my job I would be leaving.

Then during talks on the phone, she started saying she couldn’t do this anymore and told her attorney to file a writ to enter the divorce in court the way it was written. She now wanted it! I was devastated and I stupidly threatened suicide if she went through with it.

I broke off with my GF, left and have stopped all communication with her.

I drove all night on Sunday to get here in New Mexico. I called my step-daughter at about 9:30 am to talk to her and asked if I could come over. She said yes. She told me I needed to let her mom move on with her life without me and she would stop me from seeing her. We got into a heated argument. I was trying to tell her how I felt when my W came home early. Unfortunately, my W and I got into an argument and I got in my pickup and sped off, burning rubber.

I cooled off after a bit and came back to talk to my W about reconciliation. We were talking when a police car pulled up and I was arrested (after vigorously resisting). Two nights in jail on assault, reckless driving and resisting arrest charges. My step-daughter filed a restraining order and I can’t go back over there until sometime in Jan, if then.

My wife says she loves me but doesn’t want to do this anymore. After almost a year of being such a fool, I’ve come to the realization that I love her very much. I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened. I’ve ask her if she would go to marriage counseling with me but she evades the question. She says she isn’t seeing anyone and doesn’t want to. She says she needs to “move forward”.

I love her and I want to reconcile our marriage. I wish I hadn’t been such an idiot for so long but I was. I hope it’s not too late.

Anyone have any advice on how I can re-open the lines of communication with her and/or how to go about getting on a track to reconcile all this?

I could really use any advice you can give!!

Whacked

Whacked, show her with your actions. Don't give her ultimatums and demands. You have taken something dear and special to her and trashed it. You have to woo her. I'm not talking Kissing her A$$, but make yourself attractive to her again.

All of your waffling earlier probably has her wondering whether your serious about fixing this, or you will run again.

If you were dating a girl and she made demands of you and said she was going to kill herself if you didn't do what she wanted you would run like heck.

Minimize the words. Whether you realize this or not, you have proved yourself un-trustworthy. Maximize the actions. Show her. And change yourself.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Whacked.

I have to ask, aside from the things that happened in '2001 & '2003 (your step daughter moving in and your son passing away) .. have you figured out why you had the affair with your old GF in the first place?

You see, I'm able to see why your wife is very apprehensive about reconciling. I don't see where you have done any work on yourself, and what I do see is that you're frantic, FOR THE MOMENT, about losing your wife permanently.

There are a few BS (wives) such a Faith in Me [FiM] who are in your wife's shoes at this very moment. Perhaps they'll show and tell you what precisely you need to do to prove you are serious THIS TIME.

God Bless,
Jo

Tom:

I know she’s having a problem knowing how serious I am this time and I realize I’ve proven myself untrustworthy to her. I’ve been thinking about my actions, or rather the lack of them and that I know I must change.

Whacked

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have to ask, aside from the things that happened in '2001 & '2003 (your step daughter moving in and your son passing away) .. have you figured out why you had the affair with your old GF in the first place? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Resilient:

A few guesses:

1. I was really angry about the situation at home and wrongly included my W in that anger. I realize it wasn’t my W’s fault but at the time, I felt she was taking her daughters side.

My step-daughter was there almost 1-1/2 years. She told us she had two kids to raise and take care of and felt that some one needed to take care of her and support her (my having her BF put in prison for stealing our firearms may have had something to do with that). My step-daughter didn’t want to work. In fact, she said exactly that.

2. I had been looking for my old GF a long time, mostly to see how she was doing. Not vehemently, just ever so often I would type her name into a search engine. I believe I found her at the wrong time in my life. Once the affair got started, it seemed like I couldn’t stop it.

3. Hyper-thyroidism, which I was diagnosed with. It causes, among other things, depression, irritability and anxiety.

4. I don’t really know. That’s being honest!

After reading your post, I realize I am frantic. I honestly don’t feel like I have much time to work on this though.

THIS TIME I’m serious about staying. That’s why I broke off communications with my GF, so I wouldn’t be thinking about her and I haven’t.

I tell my W I love her but she says that I don’t, that no one could do what I did to her and love her. I believe she’s planning on moving in a couple of weeks to her mother’s house in another small town, where there are no construction jobs in my field. I know change on my part is needed but change is hard to see in so short a time.

The question is how do I convince her that I do love her and that our marriage is worth taking a chance to keep.

Whacked