i am new here. here is a little background.
I had an A that lasted about a week in November of this year. I told my husband because I couldn't stand lying to him anymore. We decided to try MC and it has really helped. I feel so excited about how our friendship is progressing. I am so confused though. As our friendship gets better my want/desire for any SF decreases. All of it. I don't really feel like i want or need anything intimate at all, but i still will hug or kiss because i know it is important to my husband. i am afriad that our relationship is turning totally plutonic for me. I know that this would hurt my husband more than anything because he desparately wants me to be attracted to him and desire SF. What if the desire for SF doesn't return? Is this a normal thing?

Any advice or support would be helpful
Thanks,
Stephenie

Stephenie,

Welcome to MB.

Your issue of not wanting SF with your H may have to do with the fact that your affair happnened only a little over a month ago and that sex with him may be a painful reminder of the sex you had with your OM. Have you asked yourself what was it about the OM that made you give in to him? If you know the answer then you may be able to help you and your H resolve this issue and regain the desire BOTH of you had for one another.

TMCM

What if the desire for SF doesn't return?

Don't worry, it will. You're 21 years old... you've got a lot of sexy girl years left in ya. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Is this a normal thing?

Yeah. Just "do it" and you will feel like doing it eventually. You're still a little sore from your affair. You will heal. Love your H up one side and down the other... feelings will follow.

You're a lucky girl.

Pep

PS: "plutonic" is a geology term having something to do with cooled magma, I think. You were probably meaning to say "platonic" .... but, your way was much more fun to read !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I can't wait until "2Long" reads your post... he's a geologist and he will enjoy your little word slip very much ... PLEASE do not correct it. Let it stand as is.

ah, Pep! You KNOW me!

Plutons are "intrustive igneous bodies". Also called batholiths, but that word has nothing 2 do with bathtubs, either!

steph:

Seriously, I believe what you are feeling is quite normal. It will take some time, but you can get those desires back.

I think the important thing is 2 learn from this experience so that your M will be a more rewarding one for you and your H.

best,
-ol' 2long

Steph

its not unusual at all. You will probably go through a number of ups & downs in this area alone.
I'm a FWW too in my 5th month since D day and had a few times like this. A lot for me had to do with the way I felt about myself and thought my H would react to me. I kept wondering how in heavens name could he FEEL attracted to me after I had cheated on him & had shared my body with someone else ..yuck turns me off now too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Just a word of advice.. your H will probably go through something like this too and some of it may have to do with how YOU react to his questions about the Affair. WHo what why when, over & over & over. Just ans honestly, you cant hurt him much more than you already have so ans each & every time even when it drives you up the wall.
It is SO important to the BS. If you want to recover your M this is such an important thing to do. There will be alot of work for you and him to go through so read read read all here and the books recommended & ask questions & vent here
as often as you need to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wishing you a far better new year & new start to your M. (hey I'm nearly 7 weeks Prego now so SOMETHING can work with your H if you work hard) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

(((((((((my dear FWW)))))))))

Thank you so much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-DKelly

Oh your both posting, how very nice! That just warms my heart - good for you both!

Steph -

I agree with everyone, give it time. It won't hurt to keep meeting all his E/N's and he yours. Did you print out the E/N questionare's and complete them?

As Pep said you are very young. Heck when I was your age SF would normally be about 10th on my list of recreational activities, then when I was 27 it was probably about 6th, then when I was 30 it was about 4th then I hit 40 and well you get the picture. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Remember SF is all about your mind and imagination, and the mind is a very powerful thing. Try to fantasize about him all day while he is gone, imagining very sexy things to do to him. Then by the time he gets home, you might really be in the mood, and ready to jump his bones. With my ex, I never allowed myself to have sexy thoughts about any one but him, so he was the source of ALL my pleasure of this type.

Good luck to both of you!

^bump^ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

How are you two young people travelling now??

Its great to have both of you here willing to work and learn with each other to restore your Marriage and relationship.
Its helped Aussie and myself so much to be able to vent and ask questions.
Hope you will feel comfortable to ask questions and express your hurt/pain if it helps.

Welcome to a great learning & support place for both of you.

Thanks so much to all who replied. I will definately keep going and keep hoping that my feelings return full force. Thank you for your advice and support.

<small>[ December 27, 2004, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: sskelly ]</small>

You might consider posting your question to the Recovery board, seeing as how it looks like (to me anyway) that you are in, or at least working toward, recovery mode. There are some FWSs and FBSs over there that have a good deal of wisdom to share because they have "been there and done that."

sskelly,

The feelings will return as you work your way through this. Everyone has told you that, but perhaps a different perspective will help. If you and your H read the articles on this site you will see articles on NEEDS. I would recommend that you both read these articles and take the needs questionaire. What you will notice is Sexual Fulfilment is listed as a need. Now everyone sees this and KNOWS what is meant, but what a lot of people don't pick up is that this is on the EMOTIONAL needs list, not physical needs list.

Sex is an emotional need and it is therefore tied to your emotional state as much as your physical one. As you become more emotionally settled, as you work out the issues in your marriage, as you come to trust that your H won't leave you for what you have done, and he comes to trust you won't leave him, THEN you will find the "feelings" coming back.

This is a process SSKELLY, and it takes time and patience. Work on your marriage with your H, read the articles here. I strongly encourage you to read about Harley's four rules for a good marriage, they are not unique or earth shattering, but they are right on. THen read about the policies that make sure the rules are addressed: the policy of joint agreement, POJA, and the policy of "radical honesty".

Talk about them, discuss them, help each other, and you will find that your "feelings" will come back,especially as you help your H and listen to him and he does the same for you.

God Bless,

JL

PS: IT is possible that you are going through some withdrawal still as well. Another article you should both read. It is very common to have withdrawal from an affair no matter how much you want to make the marriage work.

<small>[ December 27, 2004, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>