We've been in marriage counseling for the last 2 months since he confessed to a 2 year affair. I thought things were going well until I check his credit report and found out that he had co-sign a year lease for his girlfriend in September. I asked him to back out of the lease or do something about it, and he refused. I walked out of the marriage counseling session and asked him to move out on december 23.

He has been emailing and calling everyday since last thursday. He said that he cannot deal with my anger, and that everytime I get angry, he loses his loving feelings for me. I was always the boss and the controlling one in our 16 years marriage, and he said he will not put up with my anger anymore. It seems to me that after all the destructive things he had done, he cannot tolerate my adjusted anger and loses his love for me.

He said the affair was over and he wants to work this out. I can see that he no longer loves me like he used to, and that I have to walk on eggshelves because if I get angry, he will love me less. I truly think that my marriage is over, because if you truly love someone, you will tolerate their anger, especially after you betrayed them. I am preparing myself for a possible divorce in the future. I worried about my financial situation should we divorce. It's the only thing that make me want to stay in this marriage.

hurting...

I guess on some level I am having a hard time supporting you on this post....

I went back and read some of your others posts...

THE GOOD NEWS

1. you got a husband who wants to work this out...
that puts you atleast 50% ahead of a lot of other people here.....
I infact believe the percentage of good news is even greater than that...

his affair was with a stripper of whom he...

taken from your other posts is

He ended the affair the next morning by telephone, and we are currently seeing a marriage counselor.

Things are going very well, and the strayed husband seems to be genuinely remorsed. He has opened up and has been willing to talk about his feelings.

he never loved her. He said even if our marriage didn't work out, he would not want to be with a woman who dated a married man.

He has agreed to try to make them a day trip rather than overnight stays, but I have no way of control for that.

It sounds to me like you got a husband who truly does love you..
and does want to work things out...
and is willing to do things that make you feel safe...


and what else puts you way ahead of the ballgame here more than some is this....

I understand that I have been mean and unloving toward him for the last 2 years.

I've realized that I haven't been the most loving wife for the last 2 years, but I went into a depression after my mother's death.

I mean with that disclosure...you kind even know the answer to WHY he did what he did
which never ever ever excuses the behavior....
ever....

but the answer is a great recovery tool...
in assisting you and him of never ever ever returning to the environment that created the chasm....

Is he denying your right to be angry...
or is he telling you that your anger is shutting off any routes to communicating and working on issues...

you said in another post...

I have been telling myself to forgive and to move on.

there isn't a person here on these boards that believes you should forgive and move on...

you and he need to process this
you and he need to work together on this
you and he need to change...

you can change
you can even learn to use your anger productively and effectly....
which will serve you well in the long run no matter the outcome....

but it sounds like you are way ahead in the game...
why are you giving up so easily...

ark

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurt1234:
<strong>I asked him to back out of the lease or do something about it, and he refused. I walked out of the marriage counseling session and asked him to move out on december 23.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you hear what were his excuses ?. Do you do this so that you could go out w/ the man that you 've been flirting with ?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>He said that he cannot deal with my anger, and that everytime I get angry, he loses his loving feelings for me. I was always the boss and the controlling one in our 16 years marriage, and he said he will not put up with my anger anymore. It seems to me that after all the destructive things he had done, he cannot tolerate my adjusted anger and loses his love for me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Where is your plan A ?. No LB'ed ?. Do you think he would like to go back to the same 'ol M ? ... Yes it is his responsibility about making the decision to have A, however ... Both of you responsible for the loss of love in this M. He is willing ... how about you ?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I can see that he no longer loves me like he used to, and that I have to walk on eggshelves because if I get angry, he will love me less.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2x4 ... You are the one that is responsible for his love!.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I truly think that my marriage is over, because if you truly love someone, you will tolerate their anger, especially after you betrayed them.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> becoming your punching box I don't think so. Serving a life sentence ... I don't think so. Your anger before A is one of the cause setting up environment for OW to come in.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I am preparing myself for a possible divorce in the future. I worried about my financial situation should we divorce. It's the only thing that make me want to stay in this marriage. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are in BS's fog as much as he was in WS's fog. I would like to get your update 10 years from now. Better yet, print out all the response you got and re-read 'em 10 years from now.

-rh-

Hurt....I too am an angry woman. My anger is what caused my husband to withdraw and seek out another woman. Is it all my fault???Absolutely not...is it partyly my fault...you bet. So what am I doing about it? I am getting counseling, I am reading books(Dance of Anger), I am reworking my schedule to reduce my stress and lessen the chance of an angry episode. I have stopped blaming my spouse for my anger and started looking at what I NEED TO DO about it. I love my H and want my marriage to work. You say your WH is sorry, he wants to work on it but is afraid of your anger. He has that right to be afraid of your anger but do not let him hold that against you. You and I both need to find out the root of the anger and better ways of expressing it.

My root is that I have always felt insignificant in the eyes of my husband. Didn't feel appreciated, didn't feel loved. So when he would LB me I would be crushed and scream back at him.
Threaten to leave, call him terrible names. Did it help...no..it made him dislike me, made him reconsider the marriage. Did he tell me that ?? No....he had an EA. I have since told him what it is that makes me go off, I have learned that I need to say. "Honey that is hurtful and makes me feel unloved, please don't talk/treat me that way"
and leave the room.

OK....so what are you going to do about keeping your marriage. Do you love him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Tell him you understand and that you are going to start by looking at yourself and get help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WaitingWithoutHope:
<strong>I have since told him what it is that makes me go off, I have learned that I need to say. "Honey that is hurtful and makes me feel unloved, please don't talk/treat me that way"
and leave the room. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks WaitingWithoutHope for chipping in.

Hurt, we are not saying that A is your fault at all. It is all his to make the decision, however you are responsible for creating the situation. Since he wants to make M work ... work with him. Tell him your "hot button" and give him a "code word" ... that's what WaitingWithoutHope did.

Until then you should stay away from OP ... even as going out or talk to him. When 2 peoples has romantic interest and going out alone ... it is a date w/ or w/o physical intimacy.

-rh-

Thank everyone for your answer. I guess walking out of the last counseling session was my fault. I am just too hurt and angry right now that there isn't a day goes by that I don't cry. I know that I am responsible for his love, but I wasn't happy during our marriage either. Yet, I have never looked outside the marriage. It's that comparison that really killed me and made me very angry.

He spent his first Christmas in the hotel room and was very depressed. He wanted to come over Christmas morning to open the presents with us, but I told him it's was not a good ideal. My children and I had a great time on Christmas. We had originally made reservation for a Christmas's eve dinner for the 4 of us, until I threw him out on December 23. Well I took the kids and went to dinner anyway, charged on his credit card. We then went to mass after that. My children really don't notice that he wasn't there, because they are so used to him being away the last 2 years. He also promised to buy me a diamond necklace, but he then moved out. So on December 24, I went to the jeweler and purchased the necklace myself. I don't know, but I feel better after I ignored him and distanced him from family activities. I also think that he realized how miserable it is not to have a family at Christmas time. Since he moved out, he has called everyday and said he wanted to work things out. At this point, I don't know what I want to do anymore. I told him to get an apartment for a few months until I know what I want to do. I certainly feel better when he is not with me. Right now whenever I look at him, all I see is lies, deceits, and betrayls.

hurt...

you gotta figure out a way to temporarily compartalmentalize the pain and frustration....

I'm serious about this...

while you need an outlet for it...
you also need to figure out how to keep open the lines of communication...

get a punching bag....
seriously
take it out on the treadmill...
seriously

your anger and frustration is making you respond with a lot of knee jerk reactions...that do not and will not serve you and your children well in the long run....

it's not fair infidelity!!!

NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!

but you got a guy that is atleast somewhat if not very remorseful and very willing to do the hard work....

and yep you certainly reserve the right at any time not to reconcile or decide that this IS a deal breaker...and you will get no judgement here...

but those decisions made out of anger, fear, and temporary hate...for it will not serve YOU well to carry hate for him forever will harm you and the family.....

I almost gave up on you when I read on the what are doing post...that you were perhaps planning on
"dating" someone new years eve....
that type of using an innocent person out there to inflict pain on others is a very slippery slope...and you need to protect you and your children from those impulses of anger and revenge...

hurt you are hurt
you are angry...
no one denies you those feelings...
but you gotta figure out how to work them out and through....

My children really don't notice that he wasn't there, because they are so used to him being away the last 2 years.

you got big problems...and no matter where you two end up...you gotta see the bigger picture...

return the necklace...and call steve harley for counseling....or call steve harley and wear the necklace.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
but you need counseling for you....
to help you..
pain and anger hurts you....
hurts your children
and can further damage the family unit which is already under serious fire....

ARK

Thanks Ark,

I'll going back to marriage counseling, but I'll keep and wear my Harry Winston diamond necklace.

Thanks Ark,

I'll going back to marriage counseling, but I'll keep and wear my Harry Winston diamond necklace. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />