Last night, I tried to seduce my husband who plans to move into his own nearby apartment in early January. The thing is I wasn't faking it -I really wanted it despite the fact he was the one who was unfaithful during the last several months. (It seems to have been more a fling but he's not saying much about it so I'm not sure where I stand exactly in relation to the OW.) I built things up quite a bit during the day when the kids were not looking and I took care of him but he did not take care of me. It really hurt because I thought he wanted it as well. Deep down, I think he did but he could not bring himself to have sex with me when separation is only days away when his apartment becomes available and after we have a chance to tell our oldest. Maybe he is right - we both want to be physically separated from one another right now and having sex shortly before would confuse things. Since he did not respond even 50% to my seduction attempt last night, should I step back and leave it up to him to make the moves after we've had some time apart? The last thing I want to do is to appear needy and beg for sex!

If the man can't take a hint, I would back off. I have pursued SF to hard, and even though W give in out of guilt, I knew it and totally ruined my ego. You don't want that, you can "float" the idea, but if he does not respond and you keep pursuing you will end up hurting yourself.

BM,
Thanks for the response. I am going to back off for awhile. My h took our oldest to visit relatives out of state all this coming week so I am here with our 2 youngest. No chance I'll be throwing myself at him week. Maybe it will give me a chance to get hold of my turbulent emotions, too, shortly before we tell our oldest and the separation occurs. I'm very sad today though - all by myself with 2 little ones (under 3). I can't even tell all my family because my oldest son will see some of them this week and I don't want a shadow over his visit. Friends that I could normally hook up with today are out of town. I'll get through! Hope you can find happiness in the New Year.

vsn3,

I did the very same!! The only difference in my situation was, the A has ended a year when I found out.

When he finally confessed to having had an affair, he also said that he would move out. He took time off from work and found an apartment which was going to be available in two weeks. I was convinced that he would leave me for good.

In that two weeks, all I felt was immense sadness. We were so good for each other for so many years, and I wanted to bring him back to those years. Sex was very very good. I wanted him to remember me with fondness and with love, and that was the only time I have left to show him how much I loved him. So I seduced him, and we had sex many times before he left. That REALLY CONFUSED FWH!!

He couldn't understand why I was so good to him when he had cheated on me. Our sex life was almost non-existent the few years before d-day, but in that two weeks, we did it numerous times!!

I guess that was my plan B. I loved him like there was no tomorrow. I was crying all the time, and deep down, I wanted to convince myself that he still loved me.

It's been a year and a half now and with that action, the reverse happened-- he was convinced that I truly loved him-- a lot. All that fog talk he gave himself vanished. It burned an image in his mind that he would never, never forget, he says. I was so 'forgiving' and loving, he felt an immense amount of guilt for leaving.

I know everyone's situation is different, but I have definitely not regretted Plan B-ing him before he left.

Ruffled,
Thanks for the reply! What you described is definitely a piece of what is happening to me and my WH(show him how much I love him before he leaves) He and I just talked over the phone a few minutes ago(he is visiting relatives in another state). I was trying to set the stage for sex upon his return and let him know that I would not expect him to call off the separation. He said no that it would just confuse things and it would not be right if he were not emotionally into it like me. (Does this mean he is still emotionally tied to the OW?) In the end, he said let's give each other some space and see what happens. I did tell him that he would need to make the moves if it felt right for him -because my pride would not allow me to continue pursuing him. I also told him there would be no guarantee I would feel the same way then that I feel now - I know not exactly the right thing to say but a small way to salvage my pride. I feel very sad again because a part of me thinks he'll never get to the point where he wants to seduce me again. I believe if he continues to turn a cold shoulder to me that the romantic/passionate love I have for him will die - and that in itself is a bit of a consolation because then the pain will not be so acute. It is acute now though but a small part of me is starting to think that I really just want to act in control, focus on me and my children and get myself in the best shape I've ever been. (I'm in decent shape now - but I want to get in great shape.) Maybe so he realizes what he could have had? I don't know!

Any other thoughts/observations/lessons learned out there??? For those of you that have not read any of my prior posts, I'll try to give you a brief summary. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. He is the only man with whom I've had sexual relations and practically the only man I've kissed. (I was 19 and he was 23 when we married.) Intense passion never erupted in our marriage early on I think because of my sexual immaturity but moreso because I was always waiting for him to act like he desired me outside the bedroom and he was always waiting for me to turn up the heat in the bedroom. Counseling that I alone had early 2004 and people on this board made me realize that some men (like my WH) show affection through sex and that if I cultivate that, it is likely to spill over outside the bedroom and also result in more SF in the bedroom. In late 2003, I told him our marriage lacked passion, I was unhappy and we needed counseling. He said he just needed more SF. Since I discovered his affair on 12/18/04, I've learned that he started to emotionally shut down from me right about same time I went to counseling. I did not start to feel this until after his affair began a few months ago, however. We have 3 small chilren who love their Daddy dearly. The oldest (6) has started to ask me though if Daddy still loves me because "he is not acting like he does."

Hmm, your H said the same thing my FWH said, he needed some space to see what happens. It's AWFUL to keep a spouse hanging on a thread to 'see what happens'. Did he think what will happen to the children too?

I'm glad you have decided to get in shape whilst he is gone! vsn3, you are going to go through a lot of stress in the months to come and it is important to take good care of your health. I learnt the hard way, I didn't take care of my health till my body almost gave up. Your body needs extra nutrition and vitamins to support the stress you are goin g to go through.

I also did other things to take care of myself. I bought some new perfume, changed my hair, got new shoes, new make-up, treated myself well.

I went through what seems like a very long process of understanding what had happened in my marriage and understanding myself. I read a lot. This board helped me a lot too, so hang in there, we'll help you.

But really, getting back to your post... my pride went out of the window. I felt a deep, great need to see that my $tupid husband loves me. I needed to feel that love and whatever I did during that time succeeded in bringing that love out. I didn't bloody give a care to whatever he said about having time out to think bla bla bla. I wasn't going to let him fog ME! Yes, everyday, I was out to CONQUER him with my love and that I did :-) . I was a sap. Each time he comes home, I run to him and hug him, looking up at him with the sappiest watery eyes. I put my head on his shoulders and wouldn't let him go. I put hands in his shirt etc and if he refuses I'd try again an hour later :-) I don't care what he says!!!!

I had friends that said, "be prepared, coz when he walks out that door, everything packed, don't even hope that he will come back. He's not coming back." That hurt a lot. But soon as he walked out that door two weeks after, I stopped crying. I stopped handing out free love! Hey, if he chooses to leave knowing what he has at home is good, then he is a freaking fool. I have my faults, but there's no doubt I tried to be a good wife. Not for that last two weeks, but for all the years we were married. I am only human, I am not perfect.

Anyways, some months passed by before he decided he wants back. And one of the reasons he keeps telling me he wants back is because he saw how much I still loved him despite what he did. Every now and then when we talk, he realises how his selfish actions had hurt me and our marriage. He was angry with me for many years, and felt a lot of guilt after I found out.

He's trying to make things up to me everyday. The road is still rocky because he has lost my trust. I am still trying to be a better person, whether we remain married or not. But most importantly, I learnt a lot, and that would not have happened without God and this board.

I did this when WH was here for 6 days. It wasn't hard to do. I have lost 20 pounds since he last saw me, got a new haircut and had new clothes. We went out one night, to our favorite resturant "one last time", and played pool together. I told him I wasn't trying to manipulate him into staying, my body just missed his body, I am human and it had been 2 months for me. Well, he was easy. I bet he has gone back and lied to OW about it, too.

Ruffled and Ta,
Thanks for validating that I am not loosing my mind. Tonight, I had a 3-way call with 2 of my sisters who gave me some advice that hit home - like not focusing on the OW but rather on the positive things I want to happen. I made myself not tell my oldest sister until after Christmas because she's had her share of ups and downs and I wanted her to enjoy her Christmas without the shadow of my problems. She's a strong person who told me to fight for what I want, forget about the OW as I'm letting her win every time I bring her up, keep a journal and ask my WH to pursue counseling with me or separately. I told her I could make a big effort on all counts except I did not want to push my husband to go to couseling since I felt it would make things worse if I did. Maybe I will bring it up a few weeks down the road...

Ruffled - I'll have to give your strategy some more thought! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> On one call today, I did tell my husband that he might need to stay in a hotel for the 5 days until his apartment becomes available if he didn't want to deal with my advances so he has been warned. He said he thought he could manage okay on the couch since he has been fine there for a long time. I just don't know if I can be as forward as I've been the last few days though - rejection a third time is a very uncomfortable thought for me but probably not as uncomfortable as throwing in the towel on our marriage without giving it my all.