Hi to you all on MB....I am living overseas; married for 20 years and have 3 children. First of all, I am an American (as my name says it all) Married to a national whom is from this country (don't want to say where, but it is in the Arabian Gulf) The problem is I want out of here!

My marriage is horrible and I want to end it! I will give you a bit of what is happening now. I found out this week prior to Christmas that my H had tried to touch my younger sisters breast one evening while he was drunk, driving her home from our house while she babysat for us about 8 years ago while living in the States. She screamed for him to stop before he got down her shirt, and he did, but this is the kicker.............she didn't want to tell me and confided this to my other sister swearing to secrecy!! I had to keep this awful secret for a week after hearing of it from my husband until I called her in the States and had to ask her myself if this was true. She was angry that my other sister told me but since my other sister knows that my marriage is on the rocks she felt the need to come clean and had asked my younger sister to tell me in the first place!!

Now this news was horrible. I finally confronted him about it and he admitted it. I cried all day Christmas and wished I had known before since I feel like all these years have been a total lie. Not that things happening before were much better, but this is the straw that breaks the camels back! I cannot even sleep with him or look at his face!

My sister was over 18 years old at the time. I am angry at her to for keeping this from me. What do I do? I just want to take off and leave this place, but what about the kids? The 2 are still in school, but the 3rd is in college now. I asked for a divorce and my H says that I am always angry at him and says that he can't live like this for another 20 years. I know that I have been but you don't know what I have had to deal with (other twists to say the least) in my marriage and I guess all is coming to a blowout!

I don't love him anymore and if I leave, that means that I either have to move back to the States or find someone who will continue to cover my VISA status as a "permanent resident" which is a requirment for expats. I am so confused and don't know what to do!

Sorry that this was long but there is so much more to this story and I am tired. I am 8 hours ahead (Central time zone) so forgive me if I don't respond to you all right away..........Thanks for any help you can give.

Be careful....Americans only have rights in America!! The host country if its the country of origin of your husband can prevent you from taking the kids out. I would contact the US embassy and find out your rights in that country.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You will find lots of help and support here.

Other than the incident with your sister 8 years ago, how has your husband behaved?

Yes, I have already found that to be true. My H told me that if I want to leave he will let me take the kids if they want, but I know he will try to pursuade them to stay here.

The hard part would be to leave them, however, H is a good Father to them and the schools here are excellent and safe for them as well.

I just know that I can't be in the same house with him right now and don't know how much more I can control myself without blowing up. I am in a silent rage with him and don't want the kids to know about it.......kind of sick to tell them that their Father tried to feel down his sister-in-laws and their Aunties shirt!!

How has he treated you all this time?

Well about his other behavior.........so much to say and I don't know how much of this will cost me here at MB. I know some of you will tell me I should have gotten out of this marriage a long time ago.

My husband is a verbal and physical abuser. He used to push, smack, choke hold me and call me names in the past. Hasn't laid a hand on me for 3 months now. He wouldn't hit me all the time but the first wasn't the last.

One time I caught him viewing some Internet site with some Russian girls. I confronted him and told him that no one else was using the computer but him and the kids were at school at the time since I checked the history. He got very angry and kept denying it until I screamed at him to fess up! He came at me with his hand and tried to slap my face, but I was too quick for him and he only brushed it against my hair! I left the room and locked my bedroom door. He never apologised for any of these things and he tells me that I cause this to happen ( I know blame the victim) but I only stayed because of my kids.

I don't have a good family to help me since they are pretty much a dysfunctional buch as well. I came from a abusive home and didn't know how to pick a loving caring husband as well!

I know now what my problem is..........my living in this misery.....I never knew what was normal or happy. I just hope my children don't blame me for this separation or divorce!!

I wanted to add that I tried to get out at other times but he would convince me somehow to stay. I don't know how. I guess being abused was familiar to me and to go out on my own would be a scary place. I wish that I had been stronger.

I don't know if this makes any sense but that is only how I can explain my actions.

You are not involved with any other man - even emotionally - is that correct?

NO..... I don't want that right now!! I don't know if I can trust any man. Sorry guys. I should rephrase that. A man right now doesn't appeal to me since I feel I have to heal from my own past.

I haven't the strength to put up with a romantic relationship now or in the near future.

Myself and my kids are what matters now. I am just alone and don't know what to do!! I am even afraid to speak about this to some of my female colleagues because I feel ashamed that I stayed with him for so long and put up with his abuse!

Does he have any remorse or want to work on the marriage?

I just want to get some things out, please allow me.

My family knows of this and yet they still put on the masks and pretend that all is well. I don't understand why someone doesn't come out and tell H what a A**hole he is. Maybe because they feel for my safety. I don't know but I wish I were not going through this on my own.

I know when I said the family is dysfunctional, well you be the judge.

My sister is married to an alcoholic and when he comes home drunk, she videotapes him and shows this to the kids telling them what a drunk he is.
(this isn't the one that told me about my husband or is the victim of his straying hand)
Other sister is still married but she has a boyfriend and keeps him at bay when the H goes out of town for business. She hates her H but doesn't want a divorce because she is financially good with her H. The kids know about the bf but they won't tell the Father because they are scared they will divorce.

My Mom is a chronic complainer and has all these health syptoms which the doctors can't diagnose??
(I thinks she needs the extra attention) but don't tell her anything about your problems because she has something bigger and worse than you! Mother and Father have been divorced for 22 years. I hardly ever see my Father when I am in the States, he doesn't act like a Father- probably due to the fact he beat me when I was a kid.

OK, it's safe to tell me to seek a Therapist, but only when I am on US soil. The Therapists here are just as bad as you can imagine. Where I work, they tell all the ladies about private sessions they have with clients which would make a T.V. series, believe me!

Thanks for letting me open up!

Believer-

If my H has any remorse, he doesn't show it to me. I hope he lays down at night and thinks about what he has done. I only wish that one day he would tell me how sorry he is, and really means it, but I don't know if that will ever happen in the near future.

He has mentioned that if I want to be with him in the future (gag) he would hope that I would not stress him out! Well, what happens when things go wrong- like for instance, the cable goes out and I call the company only to have them say they will come out to fix it and they don't come! I tell my H this and of course, he just shrugs his shoulders and tells me "There is more to life than T.V."! Well, thats it.....I get a little hot under the collar and my voice raises, but I am not yelling. The minute things go wrong, he thinks I am blaming him, and I'm not. I am just telling him about the problem. Can H help me out.............NO, not until I get pissed off!!

I know we have communication problems. Never would I have thought that this is the problem. I know he is well aware of it, but I think his pride gets in the way. He is too damn proud to admit any of his mistakes, and I am just too far gone to even try to muster up any good feelings for him since they have been smashed to pieces by his actions.

Yikes - sounds like your family is very dysfunctional.

Perhaps that had something to do with the husband you picked.

How old are your youngest children?

Yes, I have come to that conclusion. Like I said earlier- I never could have found a GOOD man because I didn't know there was one!

My youngest are (D) 15 years and (S) 13 years old. They are real good kids and I love them so much! I am always there for them and would die inside knowing that they would learn of all these problems.

How do I tell them that I might not be here much longer (in the house for that matter) or even in the Country?!?

Now let me get this right. Your husband is abusive to you, but not your children. To them he is a good father. Is that correct?

I would like you to read and post here for awhile before you make a sudden decision. You need some support and encouragement first, so that you will make good decisions - not decisions out of desperation.

For me, the thing with your sister could be forgiven - IF everything else was alright. But you cannot stay in a place where you are unsafe. That is no way to live life.

Would your husband be willing for you to leave for awhile to get yourself together? Would he send you money? Would he send money for your children? Could you support yourself in the US?

Believer-

First and formost, thank you for your attention and replies. This is the only way I can release my frustration "anonymously" and get some kind of feedback. Your very wise and I will try to follow your advice.

I didn't get to say "goodbye" last night because my husband was coming towards the computer and I don't want him to know I am discussing this matter via Internet, for now that is.

I will get to your questions now. I am the only one he is abusing. The children are afraid of him when he shouts.....that may be a form of abuse which makes me very upset he does this, but for the most part he doesn't lay his hand on them.

I am not going to get up and run away from him at this moment, however, I am getting myself prepared emotionaly at the present. I want him to go away and leave. He won't! He says this is his house and If I want to go....so be it!!
I know this is a "power play" and he gets empowered by him challenging me or my requests.

I don't know if he would send my money. I guess this is the least of my problems since I don't want to rely on him financially anymore. He never gave me "free reign" over the cash here anyhow............another "power-play" scenario.
I work only part-time here. I tried full-time but the jobs are sexist and money is not enough to sacrifice pushing a full load. I am happy at what I do and have more time to drive the children to and fro from school and other events.

I will see about a divorce later on. I don't know the requirements for divorcing while living abroad. My sister told me she thinks I need to be living in my home state for 6 months before I can legally file..........If anyone knows of this can you enlighten me on the legal rules of divorcing while living abroad????

So I will keep posting if and when I need to. I thank you so much for your help....Believer!

Keep reading here about how to make a better marriage. Mainly it is about changing how you relate to the other person. However the program may not work with a person who is abusive.

I think your situation is complicated by the country you live in, and the traditions there. I moved with the father of my children to his home town and was not working. Of course it was in the U.S., so much different than your problem. But I got a good taste of what you are going through. He suddenly had all of the power, and did exactly what he pleased. He told me the same thing, get out if you don't like it.

Hiya americanw. An unfortunate welcome to MB. So sorry for your sit. You have a double whammy, I suppose: your H's abuse, and not being in "your" country.

Wanted to give my quick take on things, which is really only reiterating things:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> I would like you to read and post here for awhile before you make a sudden decision. You need some support and encouragement first, so that you will make good decisions - not decisions out of desperation.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would have to agree with b 100%--unless you or your children are in immediate danger. (BTW, yes, your H abuses the children too. A lot of physical damage can be healed; but the mental damage he is causing you and especially your kids will never go away. "Memories fade but the scars still linger.")

Besides posting here:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be careful....Americans only have rights in America!! The host country if its the country of origin of your husband can prevent you from taking the kids out. I would contact the US embassy and find out your rights in that country. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good advice. (But depending on "who" your husband is, also depends on how much he "knows.")
Just be careful.

Best wishes.

Americanw

First off I'm Australian not from the US but I have seen this scenario before with Aust citizens.
First of all the advice to not act quickly or openingly is very good advice. You probably have little or no rights in the Middle East - unless there is some kind of US & local Gov agreement in place - and the best you could expect is for the Gov there to simply ship you home without your kids if you became a issue between the US Gov & their Gov.
This seems to have happened to a number of Aust women.

Of course its very complicated due to your H being a natonal of the country you live in.
Ther would be issues of custody and access and a lot of other issues. Though he SAYS the kids can go with you if they want, you may be wise to consider that statement carefully.

I think you should do a lot of research first, avoid all confrontational issues with your H at this time, & try to be as normal as possible while you find out what your options are.
If things like the TV etc issues arise just mention it to your H and let it go.

The culture of the region seems to encoursge the wife to 'report' to the H the issues of the home/house BUT the decision to act or not is entirely his and the wife should dutifully submit to his decisions without argument. A couple who are friends of mine who come from Egypt explained this issue to me some time ago & they followed this to an extent for years even in Aust. No where near as strict though as when they lived in the Midle East. Not any more though.
It is very much a control issue & her H openly admitted it gave him a lot of empowerment in the M and he said the H is disrespected by his peers when the wife is too independant.
Maybe so but I still think its just a way for the women to be kept as chattle not people.

I suspect the culture clashing has been a big thing between you for some time I imagine????
Do you think this has led to the break down of the relationship??
Has the abuse been constant for all the years of the M???

As a US citizen you should get some help from your embassy & maybe someone in the MB family has experience in that area and could find out who & what to ask for. The US is a lot more proactive in helping its citizens than Aust so perhaps someone in the MB family can start you on the right path here.

You may also want to investiagate the status of your M if you M in the US. Is it recognised by the local Gov?? Citizenship etcetc look at all angles.

But I suggest you listen to the wise ones here like believer & Liny - pretty smart people on the R issues.

I hope it can be resolved for you asap.

Thanks to you all..........Believer-LINY-Aussieswife!!

I am not here regularly because of the time difference and my H is taking online courses (luckily has some time off because of the Holiday). I am going to try to check in as much as possible though.

ON the issue of the US Embassy. I will be going there this week to re-new my passport and consult this very issue (protection, divorce, and child custody) but here is the "kicker". My H has US citizenship! He shares the same protection as myself through the US Embassy. I heard of one case that happened some years ago. This American woman was married to a national here and she was "practically" a prisoner in her own home. She wasn't allowed to go out without his consent and had to keep a driver or maid with her at all times. She had friends, but her husband was leary of them coming to the house. At one point her friends were allowing her to use their cell phones to contact the Embassy consulat and discuss her plan to leave the country in secrecy....all through the help of friends and officials through the Embassy.

She finally fled the home and stayed in a Hotel using an Alias name. No sooner the husband found out where she was, but he wasn't allowed to interfere with the process since she was an American citizen and was allowed to leave the foreign country. The clincher......she had to leave the children behind. She had about 6 or 7 children with this man!!

I am currently not in any danger (I can only hope) and we are sleeping in separate rooms. He just wants me to leave him alone (as he says) and I am. I talk to him when I need to, in a very calm voice. Yes, there is a culture here that allows men to think that women are just to be used and abused! I am a very srong woman even though my H has abused me ( pretty much throughout my marriage) I still fight back, one way or the other, lately it has been less because I walk away and leave it alone.

I am only wishing that I can find a way to stay here on my own without my H's sponsership of my residencey permit. Because if he has control of it, he can cancel it at anytime and then I would be forced to leave the country....back to the conrol issue. Anyhow, I will be checking all avenues as you all have told me to do. Will also take things slow and cool for the time being. I really thank you again....Finding the Marriage Builders site was from the grace of God, God Bless you all!!