My husband and I did our Christmas shopping together, the kids got a decent Christmas, they were happy. He was supposed to come and spend the night Christmas eve, but he called at the last minute and said he'd been at his friend Phil's house and had a few beers and so he decided he wasn't going to come over until the morning. I said "Oh god, please don't do this you told the kids you'd be here when they woke up".....he said "I'll get up early and be there" So I ended up calling him at 6am when my 13 year old woke me up and we sat and waited for him to arrive, he got there, the kids opened their presents....they liked everything.

I had gotten my H a Drakkar Noir cologne gift set and more minutes for his cell phone (pre-paid) and made up his stocking....I waited until the kids were done and brought his gift down and gave it to him. He walked outside to his car and brought in a card (no envelope) that said "A gift for you" and inside it said Because it's Christmas, because you're special, and because you know your favorite things better than anyone else. Have a Merry Christmas! Unsigned....that had 60 dollars in it. I almost cried, I would have rather had nothing. What am I saying I do have nothing........nothing is left of me.

He was supposed to come over again last night, and called and said he was sick and couldn't come over. I feel sick and ugly and unwanted, Its a serious struggle not to just off myself.

I went to my parents for Christmas after he left...he stayed until about noon, and it was okay, I slipped and fell on the ice and hurt my already injured back.

I hate this, I hate my life, I hate living here without him. I'm going to be 37 next month and I look in the mirror and all I see is old....I see the justification for no one ever wanting me again.

My heart is in so many tiny piece I can't seem to gather them all up. There are times when I think I have it together, but I end up falling apart again eventually. I'm dreading New Years Eve. It always meant something to be with him then.....starting the new year together.....this year I'll have no one to kiss.

I need to plan B....but I keep putting it off...I don't know if I'm strong enough not to talk to him, I want to talk to him non stop.....I want to see him. This is killing me.

I'm scared to death he's not going to care that I don't talk to him, that it's going to be a relief for him not to hear from me.

I've never been so insecure in my whole life...I've always been very secure with myself, now that's all shattered.

God help me,

-Caren

Oh Caren, hang on honey.

We've all been where you are and it is a very tough place to be, I know.

You just have to reach deep inside you and somehow find that strength again. If you can do that then it won't be long before you do start to feel good about yourself again.

It's not good for a woman to be involved with her WH while he is actively involved in an affair. It is not good for your soul, and as you are finding out it will destroy you if you can't get on top of it.

Maybe you are moving through the stages of grief, and now you are in the sadness stage. Do you think?

I am sorry that your holiday was not all that you hoped for. I haven't been following your posts, but wanted to project my thoughts about this one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CarenMc:
<strong> What am I saying I do have nothing........nothing is left of me.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You still have your children and they love you. Remember the joy that your children had on Christmas and make that a feel good memory to cherish. You are the parent that they can count on to be there for them. Your children need you.

The holidays will pass, and they may be hard. I know the remaining holidays are going to be hard for me, too. But they WILL pass. Look forward to the time that you have with your children.

Sorry I don't have much for advice since I don't know much about your sitch. Will read up. Just wanted you to know that I am feeling for you and we are here for you.

-DKelly

Caren - Lots of us used to feel like you, but now feel much better. Ride this out. Work on yourself. Find things to keep you busy that are pleasurable. This feeling won't last forever, I promise you that.

If it continues and you find you can't enjoy anything, then get some anti-D's.

Caren,

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Sounds like you gave your children a good Christmas though be proud of yourself. Forget what your WH says or does to you. It is not about you! It is about him. Yes, I am sure you did things to contribute to the state of your M, but you did not make him have the A.

I want you to really look in that mirror again. Yes, look and see that you are not "old". You are an attractive woman that is tired and hurt by her WH. That is what you are seeing reflected. I know I have been there. I considered plastic surgery and other radical chagnes to my appearance during my H's A.

Please know this is not about you. Try to remove yourself from his behavior. The holidays are over and you can back away now. Just continue being there for your children. You are the one they need and can count on.

Take care of you. If it would make you feel better, change your hair or your make up a little. Get your nails done. Do something for Caren!!

I'm so sorry you feel so bad about yourself but I hope you find the strength to realise that maybe you can do Plan B. You sound like you could do with some time out. It is so unhealthy for you to feel so low, especially with children to care for. If you can cut yourself off for a while so your WH really gets a chance to see how lousy his life might be without the certainty of you being around, it might be the wake-up call he needs. I hope you feel better soon. Take care, TT.

Caren,

I've not posted to you before, but reading your post, I could see myself so clearly at this time last year.

My husband was seeing someone else. He was home only briefly on Christmas Eve and then left. Came home at 8am on Christmas Day, and left again as soon as gifts were open. He didn't come home at all on New Year's Eve.

My pain was incredible. I had little will to go on. I was not eating. I was barely functioning. My teenagers and my faith in the Lord kept me getting up each day. But I really wondered if I'd ever feel human again. And I am 39--and yes, I felt old and was convinced that I was unlovable. My XH left me for someone 13 years our junior.

And this is NOT to say you'll end up DV like I did at all!!!!

But my point is this: I feel so much better this year!! The pain takes a long time to work though. It's not an instant thing. But it does get better in time. It's not gone. But I am living again. I spent my first Christmas totally without my XH this year. It was odd. And there were memories. But it was a good Christmas. I enjoyed it. The kids enjoyed it. I decorated. I had Christmas spirit.

As for New Year's Eve, I imagine I'll spend it here at home by myself. The kids will be out with friends. I could sit around and think about my XH and his woman, but I'm not going to. I'm going to get something I like to eat, maybe put on some movies I enjoy, and veg in my house with my doggies. It's calm. And I'm not scared to be alone like I was last year.

I still let those darned age issues get to me on occasion. And if I dwell on it, I worry that being almost 40 will prevent me from ever finding anyone.

Affairs take their toll on a person's self esteem (and their physical health!). I did decide last spring that instead of feeling old and ugly, I was going to do something nice for myself. I bought some new clothes and I started having my nails done. I may have to give up the latter before long as it's very expensive, but it's just a little thing that makes me feel better...more "put together".

I don't know anything about you and maybe you're already doing this, but here are some ideas to do when you're sitting around worrying about your life:

If you don't have totally worthless flimsy nails like mine (I now have acrylics), you could do your own manicures. Pamper yourself if you're not already. Get some good polish (OPI is great) and do your fingernails and toenails and keep yourself up. Have something new done with your hair. I have mine professionally highlighted but if you don't want to pay the price, some of the box haircolors are pretty good. I used to use them. Getting rid of the gray takes a lot of years off my appearance. Treat yourself to some younger-style clothes. I am a mom and darned proud of it, but I've always refused to dress in boxy "mom" clothes. I buy cute sweaters and flairleg jeans. My kids have commented on my style--in fact my son even bought me two beauty books for Christmas.

And really, it's not all about physical looks. It's about what's inside. For me it was spending more time reading scripture and praying and getting closer to the Lord. I try to fill my mind with good things instead of dwelling on the bad all the time. I still fall hard on my face occasionally and I get really angry or really down.

But the angry times and the down times are coming far less frequently now than they were a year ago.

You WILL feel better. Don't give up. If you have nothing else to go on sometimes, remember this very important poitn - Your kids need you. You are their mom!

Be strong (or as a coworker kept telling me "fake it 'til you feel it").

LL

I am sorry you feel so very low.

You do though because you are a human being with emotions and hopes and you are in a situation you didn't choose and you are not able to fix by your desire and will alone.

If you can find a way to think "I have some power here to have a good life for myself, whatever comes", then you can just keep feeling better.

The power you have is of the things you tell yourself. The words you use in your inner voice, what YOU tell yourself each moment. Don't let yourself use imagery like "sick, ugly, shattered, etc"
Use "frustrated, sad, challenged, etc"

It will make a big difference in how you handle the bumps on the ride!

Wishing you a Happy New Year regardless of what your H does or doesn't do!

He came over to take a shower this morning (the water at his house {our old house} has been off for about 2 months). I didn't talk to him, he said "What's wrong with you?" I said "Nothing....my back just hurts" then when he went in the bathroom, I went back to my bed and layed down, he came in after he'd showered (my 10 year old followed me and got into bed with me), he said "Okay, I'm leaving...I love you Brooklyn" Then he said "I hope your back feels better" I said "Thanks" and he left.

We've been separated since September 9th. I've been feeling this way for the better part of the 3 months, I'm on anti-depressants, they put me on Zoloft 50 mg, then upped it to 100 mg, now on 150 mg......they are not helping, but they just keep upping the dose everytime I go in. I talked to a counselor for a while, but he really just wanted to tell me to stop being a doormat, and if he wants to divorce me I can't stop him...the sessions really weren't helping. People have suggested talking to one of the MB counselors, but I can't afford that.

It's 11 am, I went back to sleep after he left, and I really just feel like going back to bed and staying there all day.

I don't know how to live without him......this is so horrible. I don't feel like I'll ever feel normal again.

I do get my hair done, and I wear the clothes the younger kids wear....but none of that really makes me feel much better.

I've still been having sex with my husband on a regular basis (a few times a week) and it feels so good to be close to him, even for that brief time, but it doesn't help the situation I'm sure, he just knows that I still want him, even though he treats me like ****.

So maybe the only thing that's going to save me is Plan B.....I can't go on like this, but I have no hard evidence that there's an affair....I have plenty of circumstancial evidence, but he denies it at every turn. I have his cell phone records, and highlighted everytime they'd called each other, and when he said he wasn't coming over Christmas eve I went over there with them......he got really p.o.ed at me and said there was nothing going on and I needed to stay out of his stuff. Well I can still access his account on the computer, and since I showed him those records her number hasn't showed up once on his account....that seems a little fishy to me.

My friend whow is going through a similar situation is going to tail him for me, and see where he goes...everytime he leaves he says he's going to "Phil's" house....no one has ever even met Phil.....but he never drives his car someone always picks him up...so I'd like to know who that someone is and where exactly he goes.

I also have access to his house, so I plan on getting one of those recorders that you put on the phone line and it records as soon as the phone is picked up. I can hide it in my daughter's old room, it's still a disaster up there so it'd be easy to hide. I can't help it, I have to know for a positive fact that he's cheating, I just need to know. I mean I can't really plan B before I have proof of the A can I?

I'm so screwed I'm barely making it financially, and I've missed a lot of work due to just being completely devastated by the state of my marriage....and now I hurt my back, so I have missed a few days for that.....You're only allowed to have 5 occurances a year, and I've only been there 7 months, and I'm now up to 5...I'm scared to death I'm going to get fired.

I really feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

When I've talked to him about how I can't do this on my own, he just says "Yes you can..."

Nobody cares.....nobody understands....nobody knows how this feels....they all feel sorry for me, or are disappointed because they thought I was stronger than this, well I'm not damn it, I'm not strong enough.

I'm trying to make plans to go out with friends for New Years...but it's going to suck no matter where I am....I won't have my husband to kiss at midnight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm going to be sad forever,

Caren

I'm going to be sad forever

You know that isn't true.

I wish you had a sympathetic person to talk to. It sounds like you had a pretty crummy counselor there.

I'm so sorry about the $60 - that reeks.

How's the "keeping house" stuff going for you?

And how are you protecting yourself against STDs?

GC

Caren - Most of us thought we would be sad forever. When I first came here and folks would tell me things would get better, I didn't believe it. But they do, and will get better for you.

Lean heavily on this board in the meantime, and realize that this is not about you.

Caren,

I am right there with you -- Every one of the replies you have gotten has touched me too. I have spent days in bed in dispair. We are going to get over this and we are going to make it.

My boss just sent me an e-mail from his ski trip!!

Tdr -- Just remember that, in my opinion, you are one of the finest people I have had the pleasure to work with. (Okay, maybe you're too good natured and lack a little judgment when it comes to men.) So, in my book, you can always hold your head high, for yours are the qualities that really count. Try to have a happy New Year -- it will be the first of the rest of your life!

Caren,
I posted a ? for you earlier today. Your story sounds so much like mine. The sex thing and the "nearly stalking" thing. I can't help myself. I can access our home phone answering machine at work (he lives there now) and his work e-mail ( I haven't checked in weeks, and his (formerly our) bank account. I feel way to out-of-control doing these things and I find I disrepect myself more for doing these things. Find a good scripture and when you feel the "urge" or "craving" to check things say it over and over until the feeling goes away. I also preety much stopped having sex with H when last week he said he is only doing it for the "sex" and does not feel differently about us because of it. Now he is backing off too. I think because he may be feeling betrayal to his OW damn him and her both. How can he possibly be loyal to another woman when he's married to me and he's done this so many times in 18 years? I don't get it. But as my H says, "you don't have to get it." He's right I guess everyone has a right to thier personal thoughts and actions no matter how destructive.

Caren, I'm really sad for you. This sucks. I can relate to your state because I have depression, and it's an ongoing battle to keep it together, even with AD's.

But, Girl, you have to get a grip. You're a mom, and you're the best parent your child has right now. So, your H is being a creep. Do you honestly think you are nothing without him? Let me ask you this: do you think I (or any other woman) would be nothing without our H's? I'll bet your answer is "no". Girl, apply that to yourself.

Yes, you're hurting. But it WILL get better if you will just hang in there. Some of the best advice I've seen here is this: Fake it Till You Make It!

God bless,
PM

Hi {{Caren}},

I would like to hear you say that you understand that this situation will not be the same forever,that you understand at least on a logical level that things can be better even though you do not feel that emotionally.Can you do that? At least allow yourself that possibility? If you know this to be true,and we all are telling you it is because we are ahead of you on this curve,then you have something to strive for.The future does seem awfully bleak if you believe that all is lost.It isn't.

When I first came here,I talked about a huge importance I placed on my marriage and family.I was very wrapped up in being a great wife and mother,although that is not to be confused with it being my only source of self worth.Rather,I took a huge amount of pride and enjoyment being those things to my loved ones even though that was not what I was all about,I was much more.

Anyway,when it became apparent that that was in jeopardy,that I might lose it all,I started to sink.I felt like I was going under.My identity was not completely wrapped up in my marriage and family but if it is,it can really take a toll on someone when you lose that.That is why it is important to make sure you have other areas of your life that fulfill you which is when I started to resurface.In my case,I went into overdrive taking care of my children and immersing myself in their worlds,once I was more stable that is.Two key elements were a good counselor and proper AD's.It sounds like maybe both of those things could use a review and maybe even a change if they aren't helping you.I took Remeron and it really helped me stabilize my emotions so I could function and take care of my girls.Take a cue from yourself,if you feel like counseling and the medication aren't working,consider discussing it.

Also,I think you might be due for a Plan B.Part of the deep depression we experience I think is due to being around the person that is causing us so much pain,as they come and go at will.The horrible dichotomy is that the very same person is the one that should be helping us through our pain.It's almost insanity to think about that.I can't tell you how better I felt when I was in Plan B.I came out again,I felt better,more in control.I could see the situation more clearly and although it seems frightening to many here at first,it's a life saver.Almost everyone I have read about here that had been in it after a few weeks of adjustment felt better.You start to think,"Wait a minute,this WS is treating me horribly,let's take a cold hard look at what *I* want now".You initially feel like you cannot possibly be ok without the WS in your life but you eventually realize that you can do it,very well.You gain more perspective and power.You realize that you deserve to be treated better and that maybe,just maybe,your WS is no longer the person that can do that for you.

Right now it is very important to pick yourself up and dust yourself off for your kids and also for your job.Losing your job is going to make everything worse so you need to prevent that from happening.

Bottom line is,although you may not have definitive proof of an A,your marriage is in trouble and if your H will not address the problems in it,you may need to tell him to stay away until he is ready to commit to making it work.If you are separated,then he should be staying somewhere else,not coming and going taking showers and having SF when he wants it,etc(although I realize this may feel good to you it is risky if you are not using protection and he is being Mr.Cake eater).

Plan B almost always makes a WS wake up and see what it may be like without the BS in the wings,waiting.At least to some degree.There are those few WS's who revel in the Plan B and do want to use that as an excuse not to face the BS and work on their marriage and even use it to get out of the marriage but if it is,then you don't want that person around you anyway,spouse or non spouse.It's a fear you have to face head on Caren.When you face your fears,they have less power over you.Come here to talk about your fears and vent.Consider switching counselors and AD's.That is a start.Any counselor that is telling you that the problem is you being a doormat needs a major dose of reality.Infidelity is a serious and terrible trauma that you just cannot get over and move beyond rapidly,like so many who have NOT been through like to advise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Easy for them to say.Be kind to yourself,you need all the support you can get too.I don't think people would be giving the same spiel to rape survivors and those going through the abominable effects of Infidelity are no diferent.

O

Caren,

I agree with the others. Ditch the counselor and get some different A/D's. If you keep upping and upping the dose and you're not feeling better, they're not working. I've never taken Zoloft, but Paxil is very similar and I couldn't take it at all.

But I've taken Celexa and now Lexapro and find both of them easy to tolerate and helpful in leveling my mood.

This may be a stupid question, but are you eating well? I mean, so many of us when we first suspect or have confirmed infidelity in our spouses, basically lose our appetite and between that and the stress, we dump a lot of weight.

I found that once I started drinking Ensure try and get some nutrients (because I physically couldn't make myself chew and swallow food for about a month), I at least had the energy to get out of bed and try and function, even if I was just going through the motions. Before I got the nutrients in me, it was nearly impossible to convince myself to even get up. I simply lost all desire to care about anything.

SO, make sure you're eating. And if you're not, make sure you're drinking some supplements. They can be downed quickly, and you'll get what you need to keep you going during these really tough times.

And like you, I really didn't think I could go on. But the scripture reading helped a lot to take my mind of things, especially in the wee am hours. And then just forcing myself to keep going. You'll eventually realize that you are no longer forcing yourself, but that you really are getting your will to go on back again.

LL

I was just wondering if you have pain meds for your back...I had to have back surgery last spring and know that the meds helped me survive. Pain can make everything feel hopeless. I found even middle school kids were tolerable when I was on meds <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hope you are feeling better.