I have recently read the marriage builders book, "surviving an affair". My brother sent it to me.
I have a question about the plan/B.
I moved out of our home in November because he would have if I didn't. I couldn't afford it. Anyway.
He says he does not want to be married and he thinks it is for "my own good". He thought that I was going to dump him in the last 6-12 months and he said he couldn't stand that.I think it is about another person.He won't admit it so I have a hard time applying plan B, because he sometimes wants me to confirm to him that I really do love him. And he says if I do, why did I leave so easily? I told him because I repected his right to choose to be in our relationship or not. I told him I left because I do love him not because I don't. Since we have been apart I managed to follow plan B to a "T" the first week, it drove him crazy. Then it started to crumble. I began seeing signs of him wandering, overnights away from his house and sneaky behaviors around me. Him not wanting to be seen at my place. So I started backsliding. He sees me as still trying to control him. Is all lost or can I still find our way back through the plan B concept?

Welcome.

Please give us some more info - marriage history, ages, kids?, etc.

I presume you skipped Plan A?

thank you for replying. This is so neat. I have never done this before. I didn't write a lot because I didn't want to write out 18 years all at once. Thanks for asking though...
We started out 18 years ago disfunctionally, but intense and in love? I felt something was not quite right in the beginning and I left for my home state after 6 months. 3 of which we lived together, while I was separated from my first husband (had been 4 months before he and I met). I called him within 2 weeks and then he came to my rescue and I moved back with him, without my belongings I orininally took. This lasted 3 months before I found he was messing around. He had three kids with another woman he didn't marry.The last she was pregnant with wehn we met.
He also had other women coming around and calling. Anyway. We have been back and forth in and out around and around for 18 years. he has had so many affairs and attempted affairs. I finally started looking to the lord 5 years back after the last one (from the internet)just about killed me (of course 17 years his junior!)He has always mistrusted me. I am so codependent with him and he has resented that. The last year he said he has been praying or a sign of whta to do with our marriage. He says he has always felt he stayed or came back out of guilt or pressure, not on his own accord. Well he also started becoming very close to a younger christian married co-worker who was pregnant with her second child the first year of their "frienship."
Now starting in the summer he quit showing love or saying loving things and started talking about divorce, not just separation, divorce. He says he thinks this is Gods plan and it's to save me from him. We have a son, 16, between us and an 18 year old daughter (6 month old) when we met, and we adopted a daughter at 5 weeks she's now 8 years old. They are taking it much better than I. I don't know if I am holding on to an illusion or being codependent or do I truley ove him "unconditionally, and for his God given qualities not him behaviors. He is a wonderfully attentive man. But that may be also his weakness, because he is wonderfully attentive to the wrong people.

I suggest you re-read the book and focus on Plan A. Doing Plan B without first doing Plan A is no better - and possibly worse - than following the typical, uninformed "leave and don't look back" advice.

In parallel, move back home so you can implement Plan A effectively. You and the children stay home, allow him to leave if he has the determination. By you leaving, you made it easier for him.

WAT

Unfortunately, I have signed a twelve month lease which gives him at least twelve months to enjoy his freedom! I also left because I was mentally loosing it with all of his sneaking around. I felt he was purposefully trying to cause me pain. I did make it easier for him but i can not also afford the house and it has so many problems. But it erks me to see how well he is taking care of it and acting like he's so respnsible when he couldn't do any of that stuff before.

Which is more important to you, a twelve month lease or your marriage?

Every lease has a cancellation agreement. You may have to give one or two minths notice, but you will likely not be liable for the full twelve months.

We understand the mentally draining aspects of dealing with infidelity. Just read around this forum and you'll see yourself everywhere. It gets easier as you go.

WAT

since you posted worthatry, I have been nervous as heck because I had really thought I did the right thing leaving home and not him. I gave him all the bills, he can barely make it he complains all the time about spending all of his money on bills. I also wanted to know that if he wanted me back it was because he wanted "ME" not a house to live or our kids or just convenience or freedom from guilt. In the past he has tried to leave and then backs out at the last minute. Then eventually blames me for him not being free to leave. Well, I didn't want him to have any excuses. Besides he may think he has the house now, but if we ever go to court or see a lawyer, I will ask for the house or that it be sold. I will not allow him to have it and live "happily ever after" with a suzy-Q in our previous home. I felt so spiritually strong it was the right choice. I prayed that day before I signed the lease for peace if it was God's will. I felt very at peace. I also tried to reach my H before I signned the lease to see if he wanted me to back out. I could not reach him, I tried 20 times by cell, office, his secretary, nothing worked. It went entirely to smooth. I would hate to think I was wrong, it is making me so unsure now.