My husband of 4yrs. has decided that he wants out of our relationship. He says he loves me but can't be with me anymore. I am so hurt and confused right now. We have been at each others throats for the last 3 months. He is being so closed minded about our future. He's moving out today. I am an emotional reck. He won't even consider counseling. I don't know how to fix this "thing". I blame myself for not commuincating more over the years. I'm ready to communicate now, but it's almost like it's too late. I could sure use some words of adive or encouragement.

TMason, first off, welcome to Marriage Builders. This is a place of support for those of us who want to save or improve our marriages. You are posting on the Infidelity Board, so we here are also in various stages of dealing with the infidelity that has crept into our marriages.

Could you give us a little background on yourself? Do you know there is an A, either EA or PA? Do you know the acronyms we use here? Do you have any children? Are you currently living in the US? How long have you known your H? Is this the first A?

Give us all the details you can. Sorry to see you are here, but you are in a great place to help you get through this.

Spidey

I live in the US. My husband and I have been married 4yrs. but have been together a total of 8yrs. We don't have any children. I'm 30yrs. old and he's 28yrs old. I'm new to this site so I don't know any of the acronyms, could you help a sista out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I suspect and affair and I believe I know who the OW is. I've asked him if he seeing someone but he denies it. I've been sneaking around checking e-mails and going through his cell phone. All I've come up with are e-mails from the suspected OW and a bunch of text messages from her. None of the e-mails or text messages suggest anything going on but I just feel in my heart there is something going on.

TM, if you suspect an A then it probably is an A. Sorry for what you are going through. Read up on Harley's concepts of the site. Especially Plan A. Sorry I am in a hurry to get to work or I would give you the links. Someone else though will come along to give you some good advice.

Hi TMason,
My husband just told me this morning that he wants to take a trip for the week of course, without me. We have been married for almost 3 years and he is stubborn, pig-headed and wants things his way or else. This is both our second marriage, we both have children from previous relationships but none together. Marriage is HARD work and sweetie please do not blame yourself. It takes two to tango. I am hurting right now myself, but you know what when my husband goes on this "trip" of his, I am not going to call or bother him at all, and when he calls me I am not going to be available. I want to miss what he has decided to leave behind. I am not making it hard for him, I'm just gonna let him know (without saying a word) that I am not gonna run behind him nor am I gonna kiss his behind (if you know what I mean) and you should do the same hey, since THEY DECIDED TO LEAVE MAKE IT HARD FOR THEM!!!!!!!Remember: You don't miss your water till your well run dry!!!!

TM - I agree with FF that if you suspect an affair, you're probably right. We've seen this play out this way over and over. The suggestive hard evidence you have supports this.

Now sit back and take a deep breath > we might be wrong.

I suggest you do two things at once. Ok, make that three or four things.

1. Back off from accusing him or bird dogging him. Allow him to believe that you believe his denials. Keep in mind, we might be wrong.

2. Keep your eyes and ears open for better evidence. Even if you see more of the same "non conclusive" evidence you already have, keep it to yourself. You're looking for the slam dunk. Only then will we know for sure we're not wrong.

3. Read everything you can on this site about Plan A. Browse around, you'll find it. Order the book, "Surviving An Affair" by Harley. It's available in the bookstore on this site or just about any on-line bookseller. When you get it, read it two or three times. Post your questions here for assistance.

4. Read the link in my sig line below and all the embedded links.

TMason - I know this time is hard for you, I've been there. But please know there is hope. My WH confessed to a 6 week affair and moved out back in May. At this time he saw no hope and talked about selling the house and divorce. We went to counseling at first, but it was completely useless. To top it off I was pregnant with our first child. I used this time to work on myself and take a good look at our relationship. I was able to identify the problems in our marriage and start working on them and myself. My WH noticed and after 6 months moved back home. We are not fully in recovery but are on the right track. In some ways we are getting along better then we ever have, since both of us are more in tuned to being there for each other and not taking things for granted like we once did.

This place is what saved me during this time. It helped me to have a place to come and cry my heart out and work on a plan to save my M and myself. Your situation is not hopeless, but know that you are in for the long haul. Use this time to improve yourself, and not just to save your Marriage but do it for you. Keep posting, even if it's just to vent or talk to people.

Thanks to all of you for your advice and words of encouragement. Today has been one heck of a day for me. I feel like I'm on some sort of emotional rollercoater. But I thank God for my friend who rec. this site. I will keep all of you in my prayers.

InAgony, please keep posting. We are here for support and guidance.

What happened yesterday? What has been going on in your sitch? Why do you suspect the A? Who do you suspect the OW is? A coworker, or friend of the family?

And, by the way, you are on an emotional rollercoaster! That's what we all refer to when we describe this "ride" we have found ourselves on. Hold on tight!

Keep posting!

Spidey

Well my husband came home last night with a U-haul trailer. He began to move his things out today while I was at work. I told him it would be best if I were not around when he began moving because. I could not bear to see him moving his things.
I am actually having a better day than I thought I was going to have. I prayed this morning b4 I went to work. I have been at peace. And trying to have a positive attitude about this whole mess.
I still think there is someone other than me occuping my husbands time. I texted messaged him b4 I went to bed last night and got no response. He called me 2day just to tell me that he loved me. I half [censored] believe him and feel a little guilty for feeling this way. I feel so rejected.
My husband told me that he is going to give this relationship "one month". And after one month is things have not improved he wants out. I asked him how can he put a time limit on resolving out issues. I certainly don't feel like things will be resolved in a month. I feel so pressured. What should I be doing during this one month?

InAgony, the #1 reason spouses leave the home is to carry on an A unhindered. If your H is indeed a wayward H, his one month probably doesn't mean a whole lot. His head is not in the game you are in, it is in another. He could be saying that just to appease you.

What proof, if any, do you have? What access does he have to the OW? Are they co-workers? Close friends? Give us a bit more background on your sitch.

I am so sorry for your pain today. I know how devestated I was when my H moved out to his own apartment. My heart just broke. Keep posting to us, we will ride this rollercoaster with you. You are not alone.

Spidey

I believe the other woman is someone I thought to be a friend. She is actually the girlfriend of my friends husband. I've know her for almost a year now. We stopped talking in Oct.04. She pissed me off and I basically told her I didn't want to be her friend anymore. I tried to make ammends with her but she has not contated me. I know she recieved the letter I wrote her because she told my husband about the letter.
I started suspected her a few months back because she is in an abusive relationship and would always call my husband for support. I know now this was a mistake on my part for allowing him to become emotionally involved with her. I figured we were all friends and she would never cross the line. My heart tells me other wise now. I found it to be quite strange that she would always call my husband just to talk. Then they started working out together and probably hanging out too. For his b-day she gave him a $200 gift certificate, bought him some new shoes, etc. I thought nothing of it until I found out she lied to her boyfriend about the amt. of the gift certificate. She told him it was for only $20. I told my husband then I thought something was not quite right about their "friendship". He would always justify it by saying her would never think of her in that way, he's not attracted to her because she's fat, her teeth are ugly, etc. Basically he led me to believe he would never in a million years be attracted to her.
Last week I was snooping around in his cell phone and I could see he had called her one night around 12:44 in the morning. I also saw a bucnh of text messages at 1:45 and 2:30 am all to and from her. I asked him how often he talks to her and he lied and said not as often as I think. He trys to make me believe that her boyfriend is so controlling that he won't let her out of his site. I kind of believe him because I have witnessed his controlling behaivor 1st hand. But I fell like if you are up to no good you can always make an excuse to get out of the house.
I also was snooping through his wallet and he had almost $500 stashed. I asked him if he had any money and he lied and said no. I also found a reciept for a king size mattress in his wallet. What disturbed me was that for the contact numbers his cell# was listed as well as her cell#. He hasn't even mentioned to me about getting a new bed for his place. He toke one of the old beds we had at our house to make me believe that's all he has to sleep on when I know differently. I want to confront him but then he'll know I've been going through his wallet and cell phone. One thing that really has been bothering me is the fact that he never answers his cell phone when I call him. He calls me back when it's convinent for him. His excuse is that his cell phone needs to be recharged and he can't find his charger for the house. I know for a fact that he has a car charger. It's so frustrating because I don't know what to do or say.

InAgony, the OW in my case was my best friend. I thought everything you thought, listened to everything my H said, and I have to tell you that the power of denial is very very strong.

Keep your eyes and ears open. IMO, do not let him in on what you know right now. Try and wait for undeniable proof. The nature of a WS is that they will not admit anything more than what they are actually caught doing.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Remember, we are all here for you. Keep posting.

{{{{{{{{{{IA}}}}}}}}}}

Spidey

InAgony, are you around? What's going on? Keep posting, girl. We are all here for you. You don't have to go through this alone.

How was New Year's?

Spidey