Hi,
Can anyone recommend books on how men think, why they act the way they do, etc?
My H and I are in recovery. I had an A.
After ending the A, I found out my OM had been keeping his EXW on the side. As soon as I ended the A, he went public with her. This is the same OM that loved me, we were soul mates, perfect for each other, he tried everything to get me to leave my H....You know the old story.
Thanks

Are you asking to understand the behavior of your H, the OM, or both? Maybe reading How Men Really Think About Sex from Christianity Today can help.

TMCM

Which man are you trying to figure out? Your faithful husband or the pond scum? That would be two very different books.

waking up

being a FWW too I have to say worthatry is probably right.
One for the OM - thin over rated story - & one for the betryed husband - huge volume with lots of detail.

However all I needed to know about OM was this.. he had no intention of ever leaving his M.. end of story.
In fact research indicates this is the same for most M men who cheat.

Betrayed H on the other hand... I'm still trying to work the first chapter out. Pain immense overwhelming pain and hurt with resentment, almost hate at times... and so much more.
And courage, a lot of courage to stay and try to rebuild what we destroyed. Patience, forgiveness when they can. So many things to admire and to be angry at, very confusing at times. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Pretty sure it will be worth it to get through that book though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Waking Up,

I can recommend one that is not well known but I thought interesting and actually pretty much on target. It caught my attention one time while on travel. The title is what did that. It is called "Men made simple" by (I think Carolyn) Oh. It is sort of a twelve step approach to dealing with men.

However it will not explain why your OM lied to you and kept his exW on the side any more than it would explain why you had and OM and your H on the side.

Let me offer you my compact version of how men think. They react, hurt, laugh, and enjoy things for the same reason women do. Men have ego's while women have "feelings", both get hurt, both drive them to some dumb decisions. Men fill their role in society as best they can as do women. They reflect what women seem to want in men, the "breadwinner", the strong one, etc. There are differences caused by chemistry and biological function that lead us guys to place our priorities in different places and thus changes how we approach things.

But, men are no more or no less complicated than women, we are just quieter about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I would recommend this little book. You can read it in an hour or two. If you have specific things you want to know, then the proper books can be found but you need to hone your question abit.

God Bless,

JL

Well this isn't a book but it's from a book and it explains a little of the OM thinks.

I've always thought it was spot on.

"From the chapter on the Other Man:

- OM is something close to the opposite of your H.

- Married women usually have affairs with married men because in the beginning they are classified as "safe." "He's married so we can be friends and he won't hit on me."

- The relationship usually develops from a friendship. It develops slowly.

- OM knows how to give compliments

- He makes you feel as though you are sharing something important during your time spent together

- May offer emotional support if marriage troubles are discussed

- OM is good at creating a sense of fun, playfulness, or just an upbeat attitude that may be missing at home.

- He listens w/ empathy & understanding. He's a good communicator. You feel truly heard.

- He encourages you in your goals.

- He is persistent.

- If sex is involved it is usually does not come for three to six months into the relationship.

- For women the emotional bond must come first. They must feel that they love the OM.

What the OM wants:

- They want the A to stay w/in bounds

- They thrive on the diversion, the excitement of the illicit, forbidden sex. the variety. His W may not like to try "new" things.

- Some get relief from home. May be having M issues. May have a W that ignores him for kids, work, etc.

- Able to reveal themselves emotionally.

- Doesn't want the R to get serious!!

- He may say "I love you" but he still isn't committing to anything

- Some men regard an A as an addition to marriage not as possible replacement

- Most men let the married women know about the restrictions of the R. "I'd never divorce my wife because of the kids." That is the number 1 excuse the OM uses

- The woman's emotional investment flatters the OM but causes discomfort

Jen (FWW)

WU,

I beleive that the book JL was referring to is called Men Made Easy : How to Get What You Want from Your Man by Kara Oh.

TMCM

Coffeeman,

Thanks. A senior moment, my CRS disease is progressing nicely, thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I like you am interested in finding out which man she is going to try and figure out.

Thanks again,

JL

JL, a senior moment, I don't believe it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I think it's a given that it's OM that Waking Up is trying to figure out.

Waking Up, you could spend a lifetime trying to work that one out and, quite frankly, why would anyone want to bother.

It's a given that OM's lie. That's what they do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Jen

JL,

Forgetting the title and author of the book is not as bad as going to work on a scheduled day off [I did that last week <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ] . Now THAT is a senior moment.

TMCM


KiwiJ,

Jen, after that great post of yours, I doubt that WU will need a book on understanding the OM. Having read WU's post on how the OM was keeping his XW on the side while trying to pressure her to leave her H, showed what kind of bottom feader he truly is.

TMCM

After ending the A, I found out my OM had been keeping his EXW on the side. As soon as I ended the A, he went public with her. This is the same OM that loved me, we were soul mates, perfect for each other, he tried everything to get me to leave my H....You know the old story.

This is the OM's MO. You don't need to read a book. Ask the WWs of this board about their OM. They are all the same! But, to be honest I don't consider them to be real men.


However it will not explain why your OM lied to you and kept his exW on the side any more than it would explain why you had and OM and your H on the side.

This is another pearl by JL-------- Look inside yourself. I bet most WWs see some elements of themselves in the OM they picked for the affair. However, OMs tend to be much more selfish and deceitful. OMs are not the kind of men you would want your daughter to date or marry.


TMCM:

I agree----- or lower than whale$hit in the bottom of the ocean if they are not feeding.

Waking Up!!! Great to hear from you! How are you doing? How is things going with your H? I think about you often and wonder how it is going.

I may get blasted for this but the best book I have read concerning men and how they think and feel, was a book by Dr Laura Schlesinger, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. To me, it was a real eye opener. Really changed my way of thinking about my WH.

Please give us a post on how your recovery is going. I hope you are well.

Katie

I agree with Katie. Great book by Dr. Laura! Reading it was good for me and for my M. In fact, just seeing me reading a book with that title made huge deposits in H's love bank.
PM

Not sure who you are trying to figure out (if it's OM - why??) but this book is very good - "What Could He Be Thinking?: How a Man's Mind Really Works" by Michael Gurian

Hi All!

Thanks for replying.
I should have been more specific. I would like information on both my H and the OM for different reasons.
The OM so that I can make sure I never fall into that deception again. And my H so that I can understand what it is he is really needing of me.
My marriage is doing better because I am doing better. Coming out of the fog is process and in doing so, I am healing and able to give my H some of the things he is asking.
On a personal note, I am dealing with the questions like how could I have been so stupid, how could I have trusted the OM so completely, how could he go public with his EXW just hours after I cut off all communication. I realize I have been saved from a terrible mistake and never want to go there again. I'm just looking for information.
One thing I learned in a marriage class was that mens brains are like waffles, they have compartments, each compartment represents one thing. For instance, one is for work, one is for marriage, one is for kids, etc. Womens brains are like speghetti, everything is connected and is affected by it all. Men can move from one compartment to another, shift gears so to speak and not deal with certain issues.
Thank you all again!

Good girl. You're gonna make it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up:
<strong>how could he go public with his EXW just hours after I cut off all communication.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not a man, so don't waste your time on him. Just be on the lookout for trash like this in the future.

BTW, does his wife know?

Good luck to you and your H, but I don't think you'll need luck. Just perseverance.

WAT

WAT,
I'm not sure what OM has told EXW. She knew we had an A, but I think she believes it was over. I'm pretty sure that OM did not tell her I just dumped him for good and she was the lucky winner! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
It's funny, this is the same woman he couldn't stand to look at or talk to, now I find out she must not be what he told me. He did divorce her while we were having an A, but is now back with her.
Wondering if he is lying to her too.....
Oh well, I am moving on, just trying to reconcile some things.
Thanks!

Waking UP,

Well, I hope you can reconcile the things you need to. I would like to suggest that you ask your H what he needs from you. I would guess it is really very simple...he needs your love and devotion. More than anything he needs that.

As for compartmentalizing things, I don't think men have a lock on that. You did a pretty good job of doing that as well. Men are trained to do it so they are usually better at it.

As for OM's exW, you mentioned that she has been hanging around since the divorce hoping to get the marriage back. I would guess that he has encouraged her all of this time so that HE had a safety net as well. I recall talking to you about this.

Want to hear something sad? That poor woman has loved her H/exH all along and she has been deeply hurt by him, and yet she was steadfast. Isn't that sad? Well it is not as sad as your OM having a woman so devoted to him and he not being smart enough to realize what he had and has. He has wasted 6 years looking for what he had all along and the pain he has caused... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

In my mind he was not compartmentalizing so much as he was just dumb. He was not seeing what he had nor appreciating it. Hopefully for her sake he does now and he will actually love her and take care of her as he should.

As for him being with her right after you telling him no, she was always with him WU. He knew it and he counted on it. As for his description of her to you, do you really think he was honest, or even saw his marriage for what it was and could be? I don't think so, and the data suggests that is the right way to look at it.

I do hope you find the books that will help you and I do hope that you and your H find peace in a marriage that you grow to appreciate.

God Bless,

JL

JL,
All of what you said is true.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
As for him being with her right after you telling him no, she was always with him WU. He knew it and he counted on it. As for his description of her to you, do you really think he was honest, or even saw his marriage for what it was and could be? I don't think so, and the data suggests that is the right way to look at it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's painful to face the truth, but necessary.

WU

"Iron John" is a book I'd reccomend to any woman who is trying to understantd why her hsuband is the way he is.

It deals with the father-son relationship. Basically, the argument is that when boys are distant from their fathers - physically or emotionally - they learn their lessons about manhood from their mothers and from their popular culture.

I am a fimr believer that fahter-son relationship is the central force in the life of most men. Most men, I think, really crave admiration and acceptance from their fathers. All too often, that acceptance comes grudgingly.