So a bit of SF and you are wrapped around her fingers or just a bit more hopeful?

I think you need to search yourself and see where YOU are before making decisions either way.

Hey dont get me wrong, I think we BS should do everything possible to save our M, yes even take risks and sometimes get burned a time or two.

But you must do it with your eyes opened. Wired open mate!!

SO ok what about NO CONTACT?? is she giving you an opportunity to ask for it? For her to offer it to you??
What have you discussed so far at this time or after?

What about a discussion with her re the Affair and what you can forgive or not forgive for that matter, and what you want to happen if the two of you can start just working on starting over?

SHe gave you an opening and I guess she was asking in a round about way with that How can you ever forgive me??? blah blah blah - yeah I would've missed it as well in such a situation but seeing it after why not just ask her what she is thinking on this and lay out your thinking. I mean the worst you can get is more freaking fog isn't it??

Black & white is fine but in that case why aren't you outta there and rollin down the road mate? Is seems at least some of the fog is rising and she is seeing what she has done, feels very guilty, so if you want a divorce you'd probably get everything you want.

So again I ask, what do YOU want to do MIF?????

MIF whats up?

I'd agree with A2 hear and the others. Your back in the emotional state now, and sure that's probably normal with the new curveball WW has thrown you.

Step back for a few days search yourself, don't read into her words or even believe them right now. See what her actions tell you. Once you have time to cool down from the SF (I don't even know what that is anymore), you can make a logical, rational decision.

Good luck, Native.

MIF?

I think you must calmly, quietly and respectfully convey to your WW that forgiveness is a totally different issue than reconciliation [they are NOT joined at the hip as most people beleive]. You could potentially find it in your heart to forgive her this very minute and yet wish not to continue being married to her. For the marriage to be saved/rebuilt it has to include reconciliation and that can only happen if she makes a committment to never again contact the OM. But before you make a life altering decision with regards to your marriage, you might want to give yourself some more time, so that when you make the final decision, it will be one you will be able to live with.

TMCM

Hello again,

Wow I didn't know I was going to get bashed but I can take it. If you read the priciples of this site and its founder you will know that no contact with the OM is absolutely essential for any hope of recovery. The actions must match the words. If the roles were reversed and you told your wife that you missed her but you were still in contact with your lover; how do you think she would react? What message is being delivered?

Counseling can be successful only if the there is no contact. If she continues to hang with her lover then she has become a cake eater. A person who enjoys having a lover and a distressed husband who still loves her and begs her to return. She gets the best of both worlds. Unfortunately a person who continues to accept this disrespect is generally not perceived as someone who is desirable but rather someone who is willing to accept all types of humiliation and disrespect. I doubt that she finds that all too attractive. Would you? If you do not have self respect for yourself then why should she?
This is just my opinion and a point of view you may wish to consider. I wish you luck.

Bryanp, I agree. I just had waffled there for a few days. I am starting to get back to where I don't think I want to be married to her any longer. I kinda knew I would do that at some point. I guess it was just her remorsefull attitude along with SF that made me think she was coming around and if that were the case then maybe...

But as you said, her actions mean more than her words, and her actions are the same as before. Still involved with OM.

MIF

Just chiming in here a bit, MIF. You said a way back that you wanted to end this thing and the associated pain. Plan D does not end the pain, in my opinion; sometimes it even gets worse. So assuming that either way you decide to go you will have to go through pain, at the end of Plan A/B there is a chance, only a chance mind you, of being with the one that you love in a happy family, and at the end of Plan D you are divorced and your kids are dealing with a broken home, for my money I pick the former, even if there is only a slim hope. When that hope is gone then go to Plan D.

MIF,

My 2 cnts. is that I'd have to agree with the people here that you need to do whats best for you. If you can D now and feel good about how hard you tried/sacrificed yourself to save you M, AND your WW shows ABSOLUTELY no ACTIONS showing you she wants your M then do it.

However if:

You will carry baggage about how you tried.
Your WW shows actions

Then why not give it another shot. It seems that your in a detached/indifferent kind of spot right now. What have you got to loose? Your in my prayers bud.

Native.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by native00:
<strong> MIF,

My 2 cnts. is that I'd have to agree with the people here that you need to do whats best for you. If you can D now and feel good about how hard you tried/sacrificed yourself to save you M, AND your WW shows ABSOLUTELY no ACTIONS showing you she wants your M then do it.

However if:

You will carry baggage about how you tried.
Your WW shows actions

Then why not give it another shot. It seems that your in a detached/indifferent kind of spot right now. What have you got to loose? Your in my prayers bud.

Native. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Native, I agree. Just a few days ago my WW told me that she didn't think she wanted to get a divorce. But that she didn't want to "jump back in with both feet just yet". I took that as she doesnt' want a D, but doesn't want to give up OM at this point. I figure the D is still moving forward, hopefully my WW will come to her senses soon. As of right now I would still work on this M if she were to show me with her actions, but her words mean little at this point.

I think I will carry baggage because I believe we can fix what is wrong and go on and have a great life together if she would just give it a serious effort she would see that.