I went to our MC today. WW didn't want to go so I went alone and we made it an IC session instead. Anyway he tells me I am hung up on the fact my WW has an OM. (Well no $hit!) He then says that maybe I should just accept the fact that if my WW was getting 90% of her needs met by me and the other 10% by OM, that the OM is not really a threat. Sure I should be cautious of their relationship, but I should try and come to an acceptance with it. I then proceeded to tell her some info that would indicate otherwise (as noted in this thread) he then said, well I can see that maybe the OM is meeting closer to 40%-50% of your WWs needs and I understand your concern. It definitly would indicate there is more going on than WW is admitting to.

Anyway, I was curious why he would say something like that to begin with. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

MIF

I would get a new counselor. There are too many out there that are not really pro-M. Is he a Christian counselor? Almost sounds like he is telling you to accept the fact that you are sharing your WW with OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

That's how I took it. I do like the guy though. He does seem to provide good insight *most* of the time. I like him a lot better than the one the WW and I went to last year. That guy told us to read a book. That was about all he did to help us.

I let him know that I wasn't going to share my WW with another man, which was why I filed for D. He then said he understood. I was just taken back by his perspective.
MIF

Hello,

This person is a total idiot. I work in a major university system and so many of our counselors are just simply ludicrous. It taks a lot of time and effort to find a competent one. Cleary you do not have one at this time.

Was you're MC awake and listining to you when he responded?

I look for help and insight from my IC, not the notion of just, accept the A and live with it be happy for what you have now.

I want 100% from my WW as do you. You should not settle for less. Don't let anyone tell you that it would be ok at 90%.....

MIF, Are you in IC also? I ask because my IC referred us to our current MC. She knew that keeping my M intact was my goal. She knew what I had been doing to work on changing myself and she knew about the A's. So she was able to help us find a MC that was pro M and able to work with us on our issues.

Trust me, I quickly informed him that I would not tolerate 90%. She is/was my W and I want 100% of her, emotionally and physically. Then when I gave him the info I had, he quickly changed his opinion that the OM is more than 10% anyway.

MIF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithful follower:
<strong> MIF, Are you in IC also? I ask because my IC referred us to our current MC. She knew that keeping my M intact was my goal. She knew what I had been doing to work on changing myself and she knew about the A's. So she was able to help us find a MC that was pro M and able to work with us on our issues. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No I wasn't in IC. My WW is. I tried to set it up but they cancelled my appointment and said they couldn't justify it to the insurance that I needed it. Since my WW didn't go to our MC session this morning I went alone and the MC said we would just turn it into IC sessions. So I guess, now, yes I am in IC, but it is with our MC.

MIF

Hi there,

When I went to IC, my C suggested after my second visit that I come in with the OW that is pregnant by my H to have a one and one with each other. Needless to say, I didn't go back. I think some counselors are stupid to say it bluntly.....

Holy cow, that's ludacris!

Sit here with the woman who is destroying your marriage and try not to kill her in the process.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Get a new MC...like someone mentioned before, it is hard to find a pro-M one. Find a Christian MC, they are obviously pro-marriage. We went to a regular MC for 8 months. We talked about the fact that we both need to communicate more (ok), our family background, our goals in life.....some of it seemed way off the target. When I found the flirt notes & presented them to him...he talked to her first then to me. He said to me "well she knows you have found something that might display a lack of trust"..no duh. Nothing more was said. He just encouraged me to tell her how it hurt me. Her excuse..."thats the way we joke around in class..." That was it...I was supposed to take that & drop it I guess. Some C are weird in how they approach the sessions. I would suggest if they dont mention Harley's book or the ideas presented in it...find someone who does. I wish I knew about the book a long time ago. Maybe I wouldnt be writing on this forum...or I would have been writing on it a lot sooner.

***Anyway he tells me I am hung up on the fact my WW has an OM. (Well no $hit!) He then says that maybe I should just accept the fact that if my WW was getting 90% of her needs met by me and the other 10% by OM, that the OM is not really a threat. ***

My first thought on reading this was "Jesus Christ on a skateboard," but I can see where that could be offensive so pretend I didn't say that!

Seriously, though -- this "counselor" is just insane. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if HIS wife spent nine days with him, and then one day with her boyfriend, and then the next nine days with him, and so forth. After all, that's only 10% of the time, isn't it? Surely he wouldn't be "threatened" by that!

Telling you that you are "hung up" on the fact that your wife has a boyfriend makes him sound like some hippie crackpot whose whole philosophy is like, whatever, man. And for some reason an awful lot of counselors seen to have this mindset. Just let people do what they want. It's cool. Just let them go and be happy. Learn to adjust. Don't be so uptight.

IT WAS CRAP IN THE SIXTIES AND IT'S CRAP NOW.

You are better off with no counselor than with one who clearly supports not marriage, but OPEN marriage. What is this guy smokin'???

Mulan

The first IC I saw told me I should just accept the way things were with my W and her family. I should accpet her putting them before me. Needless to say I was gone.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bryanp:
<strong> Hello,

This person is a total idiot. I work in a major university system and so many of our counselors are just simply ludicrous. It taks a lot of time and effort to find a competent one. Cleary you do not have one at this time. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I second this post. That MC is a complete and utter moron. What qualifications are needed for MC now days? Is there no regulation of professional standards? Good God, I could make a better MC than many of these morons...and we all know how much I love Marriage builders concepts... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong>What qualifications are needed for MC now days? Is there no regulation of professional standards? Good God, I could make a better MC than many of these morons...and we all know how much I love Marriage builders concepts... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not defending that MC ... but generalization really get to me. Everyone think they could be a MC <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

I don't know what state you live in ... in CA you need to have a LICENSE as MFT. Master Degree in clinical pyschology minimum. 3,000 hours of internship. http://www.bbs.ca.gov/lic-req2.htm

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong>What qualifications are needed for MC now days? Is there no regulation of professional standards? Good God, I could make a better MC than many of these morons...and we all know how much I love Marriage builders concepts... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not defending that MC ... but generalization really get to me. Everyone think they could be a MC <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

I don't know what state you live in ... in CA you need to have a LICENSE as MFT. Master Degree in clinical pyschology minimum. 3,000 hours of internship. http://www.bbs.ca.gov/lic-req2.htm

-rh- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Red:

Why don't you go back and slooowwwwly RE-READ my post, you obviously missed the meaning.

Cheers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

Many MC are IC with enough creds to do family counseling. But they generally don't seem to be all that focused when it comes to marriages in crisis. If both people want to fix the marriage, then they're on board. Fewer are interesting in saving a M that one person wants out of, even if that person is more or less a mental patient.

Or just a deeply troubled, selfish, and cruel individual, depending on how you see it.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong>
Why don't you go back and slooowwwwly RE-READ my post, you obviously missed the meaning.

Cheers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is time for me to quit ... that vintage wine start getting to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Cheers

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong>
Why don't you go back and slooowwwwly RE-READ my post, you obviously missed the meaning.

Cheers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is time for me to quit ... that vintage wine start getting to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Cheers

-rh- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">cheers to you also <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Our MC is also our IC. She is a very experienced psychiatrist who also advises the army on PTSD and trains their counsellors.
Lucky for us my sister had her as a lecturer when doing medicine and formed a close friendship which happened to extend to all our family including myself & H.

Little did I think I would ever need her professionally.

At first it was horrifying to admit to this friend what I had done but she has been a Godsend.
Now I trust her with everything but she makes US decide the issues and face them. I’m sure her medical training enhances her ability to advise as she only works towards what we want not what she thinks is ‘best’ for us. Of course that excludes self destructive or self harm issues.
And she pulls no punches. If I’m being a b1tch she tells me straight. If Aussies is being a unreasonable [censored] she tells him too.
I do think such counsellors have a better track record than others due to the extent of their training. & I did some looking before she agreed to help us.
There is a guide on this site on how to find a good counsellor.

(Of course all I need to do is to get my H back to her after just returning from Iraq with minor injuries on the outside and some big ones within ).