and he went. After he went to see the OW last night I wasnt sure how things would go today when he came home from work. He asked if he could use MY shower. I told him it was his shower too, it was his room and I was his wife. If he still wanted that. But I couldnt live with her between us. He said our problems really didnt have anything to do with her.
I told him maybe not, but she is not helping the situation. Said he didnt know if he wanted our marriage or not. That he had tried for 21 years to love me and it wasnt happenin.
He has not been able to forgive. I told him that I couldnt live with her. If he wanted his freedom, he could have it. I said there was the door.
I made sure he knew that I loved him more than anything and wanted to work out our marriage. But it was his choice to leave, not mine. That I wanted him to stay. He went anyway.
I did do sort of a rotten thing. I made my daughter come home so he could tell her he was leaving. Said it was low, even for my standards. He asked me to let him leave with a little dignity. I said like he was leaving me? For me to have to tell the kids?
Anyway, it was ugly, LB's everywhere. And you know what? I just dont feel a whole lot of anything yet. He told DD that he was moving out and maybe that would improve things with us. That our problems started before our oldest S was born...20 yrs ago.

I am just so tired. Tired of everything. Tired of life. He said the same. That he was tired of trying. So lets cut our losses and move on. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> So I guess unless he changes his mind, we are moving on.

My WW says the same thing, her OM has nothing to do with our situation. It is so hard to get to this point and feel no progress. Good for you on taking a stance.

At some point actions must take over and people must amends for the actions they have done.

katie, sorry.

You told your WH what I told my WW.
"But I couldnt live with her between us. He said our problems really didnt have anything to do with her.
I told him maybe not, but she is not helping the situation."

I am beginning to see that there is a common script for the WS. They all say roughly the same thing and do the same types of things.

Good luck to you.

MIF

I know that they all say things simular. I dont think that WH believes that other people have done and feel exactly like him. Doesnt want to see a councilor or even read the Marriage Builders stuff. Says that he tried all that stuff years ago and I ignored him. But now that it is my idea, it is good. He is probably right, I dont know. All I can do is apolojize for the past and try and change myself for the future. But he is not willing to forgive at this point.

It is sad to say, but I almost feel relief at this moment. I know I will drop soon and be a basketcase....

Well I made it through the night, even slept. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> One day at a time, right?

Katie, My WH says exactly the same thing. It's eerie. Hang in there. (((((((((hug))))))

I wanted to ask if I should write a formal Plan B letter? Or would this last scene suffice. I dont know how I will do no contact with him since he is our only means of support at the moment and there are bills to pay. I guess I will let him do the contacting and just have minimal to say. He probably wont call, might email if he has to. But he was pretty upset when he left, might be a LONG while before I hear from him.

KG, not real familiar with your situation but I can tell you all WS's say that it has nothing to do with the OP. OM took my FWW to file for our D and had a key to her condo that I was paying for but he had NOTHING to do with the D itself.

It's all fog talk. Sometimes you have to give them enough rope to hang themselves before they start to emerge from the fog.

Best of luck to you.

Hi {{Katie}},

So much for Plan a and being there for your son huh? I am not surprised and I am sorry you let him back home.It was not the right thing to do under the circumstances IMO and not only has he failed to help your son,which was one reason he was coming *home but also he just went through that revolving door again hurting you all.Your kids are affected with this scenario.You had no committment from him and you were also well aware that he was still involved with the OW.

I like how your WH says he tried to love you for the past 21 years but it just wasn't happening.Right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> That's an awful long time to stay with someone you don't love.Sounds like fog babble at it's finest and with a touch of homewrecking OW sprinkled all over it.

Like I mentioned before,your situation has been going on since the summer.Your WH is as confused as he could ever be,and you and your kids are left hanging while he flounders around not committing to anything permanently except indecision and you are LB'ing him which isn't good either.If I were you I would prepare a PBL.Your WH isn't willing to forgive YOU but yet he is the one who cheated.He is nowhere close to facing his choices and addressing his problems if he is going to blame only you for all that has happened.

O

Octobergirl,

Even though I said did LB's, honestly it was more truth. First honest conversation about my feelings in a really long time. But it could have been said differently. I did give him back my wedding rings.

And yes, I should not have let him come home if he was not willing to give her up. Though he says she is not the reason for our marriage problems. And he does have a small point. He moved out before he ever met her. Only took 3 wks for him to find her though.

Anyway, I think it is time to get on with life and if he doesnt come around, well then I will start doing what I want to do.

Mr. E,

My girlfriend has been telling me to let him go wallow with the pigs. That he would come around. WH always used to say he couldnt stand success...meaning everytime something good happened in his life, he did something to mess it up. I hold out hope that he will come around, but the fog and pain is thick and deep.

Its a shame we are all here.

I know what you mean about LB's.Since my WH and I are D'ing,I don't hold back anymore about what I am feeling.I am not yelling at him but I don't tippy toe around him either.If he makes me mad or upsets me with insensitive remarks or actions,I let him know it.We have nothing left to build from so he is going to get a small taste of all the emotion I have built up over the past year+.Like noodle says,don't protect the WS from the realities of their actions,or something like that.

My WH would love to just fly away and pretend it is all over and done with and he has to answer to no one.I feel like I have been handed a triple whammy by my dear WH: First the adultery; then divorce; and now the inability to be able to talk about what went wrong and how to fix it and all the devastating pain he put us all through.

Whether or not your WH was involved with this OW before he moved out is sort of irrelevant.Affair's are *symptoms of something wrong with the marriage and/or better yet,with the WS.Your WH chose to find comfort and escape in the arms of an OW.Not an appropriate way to handle problems.

Anyway,not sure what you are planning next but I hope you can find the strength to withstand it all.Prayers to you and your kids~

O

<small>[ December 28, 2004, 10:19 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Try PLAN B.

Thanks Ladies. When he left the first time I was not emotionally able to handle it. It was the first I had heard in 21 years that he didnt love me. Had been telling me he did all that time. So I felt like my world collapsed. I have been dealing with is indecision and his affair now for months. Whether I am more calloused and hardened than I was, i dont know. I know that I am stonger emotionally today than I was then. Could be I am beginning to not to give a rip anymore. Maybe that is what he felt before he moved out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I will work on a plan b letter.
Thanks for the support.

katie

Please stop listening to and believing your WS.

He is like a drunk. He is not being logical while he is in the FOG.

I've been trying to get you guys to see that THE FOG is real!!!!!

Go into PLAN B in order to preserve any love you have left for him.

Thanks Mimi. I will do my best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />