Hi everyone,

It's been a while since I posted anything. My original DDay was October 23rd, and after many weeks of lies about the affair, on Christmas Day, he told me he took the condom off on their last sexual encounter. She wanted him to. That was my Christmas present.

The weird thing was that it disgusted me, but it didn't hurt me. He has dragged me through 2 months of half truths, and never had the courage to come clean. He cries every night saying how much he loves me. He begs endlessly for me to forgive him. He tells me he was lying to himself, and that he never really loved her even though he tried with his whole heart to fall in love with her. He says he took me for granted, and he would never do that again. He's a changed man and has God in his life.

I feel kind of guilty because in a way, I feel like I'm dragging HIM through the mud. A question comes through my mind, and I ask him. He pauses and hesitates, and I remind him about the radical honesty, and only then does he tell me. He gags and almost throws up everytime he has to tell me the truth.

As I said, on Christmas Day, the question of his condom using popped into my head. I asked him if he took it off and he denied it. He said, "Why, do you think you have something?" I knew then. (I really don't think I have anything, but I am getting checked out just in case.) But, I asked him again, and he said no. Then I reminded him of radical honesty, and he said yes. Wow!?!?!?!

I then had to call the husband of the other woman (on Christmas Day) to tell him because we have been very honest with each other, and besides I was so upset that I really needed some support. His wife was there, and she confirmed it.

At that point, my husband said he had told the whole truth about the 5 month affair, and there was nothing left for me to find out. (For about the 30th time) He swore on my children's heads, and the Bible.

Last night I decided I needed to know the whole truth. I got a calendar and had him go through his calendar from June through November. I told him to come clean because I was going to take all of this information to the husband of the OW. She would have a chance to respond to it, so he better tell the truth. (Even though he had sworn on the Bible and my children's heads the day before, there was a lot of information that came out that he hadn't told me before. Is that the nature of lying? You don't remember what you've already said, or do you just give bits and pieces to preserve yourself?)

Well, he threw her under the bus. She was the manipulative one. He tried to end it several times, but she talked him out of it. She was always asking him to meet her, and he was the one who had to tell her no (sometimes). She thought she might be pregnant because he took off the condom, although he didn't have an orgasm.

I told her husband everything my husband told me. What position she liked, what position her husband liked, what my husband liked, and what I liked. That was weird, but they had talked about it, so I thought he had the right to know about it. She knew my faults, and I know the OW's husband's faults. They talked about our similarities. And, by the way, the OW and I both like country and western music, drink Coors Light, and are vain. YEAH!!!

Anyway, to make a long story short, the OW's husband called me back and confirmed everything I told him about their encounters from June through November. She told her husband that what my husband said was true, except she said that she was scared that she might be possibly pregnant, not that she was really worried about being pregnant. (Does that sound manipulative?) It does seem that my husband finally came clean. I feel like if he threw her under the bus, then she would definitely come clean about her side of the affair, but she just agreed. My husband was sooooooo wrong in having the affair, but she seemed really aggressive in keeping the affair going.

I was disappointed when the OW's husband called me back because the OW was there, and I asked him if she had anything to say that was contrary to what my husband had said, or if she had anything to say to me, and she said she didn't have anything to say. I think subconsciously I was looking for an apology. I didn't get it. Because of my personality, I was hoping to get it, so I could let go of my animosity toward her. It's easier to forgive someone one when they ask to be forgiven, but she didn't.

I do have to say that I do feel at peace with myself. For the first time in my life, I really like myself. Not just because I have been a dedicated wife, mother and teacher, but because I have a lot to offer the world.

The problem I feel now is that I am a pariah in this small town. People who used to think I had everything are talking about me. They are feeling sorry for me, I'm sure. My phone has stopped ringing, and my husband, who is a person who could not live without his friends before DDay, doesn't have any interest in socializing anymore. He only wants to spend all of his time with me. That really is an oxymoron in my 20 years of marriage because he was always scheduling things to do away from me. Not because I'm a horrible person, but because he got so much pleasure from his friends, and he wanted to be with them.

Just wanted to give an update. If anyone has any advice to give me, I'd appreciate it. Thanks for the support.

srdd

NO advice for you here. This pretty much sucks for you. I think your WH obviously came clean not out of "true" reasons, but that is ok, this is not uncommon at least you are still in recovery. I read your story and while they are like mnay on here I feel a lot of sorrow for you. I am not sure why. Good luck with all of this. I wish I had some practical advice to help you through this, but I don't. Hopefully other "builders" wil come along and offer something for you.

LM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by srdd:
<strong> Hi everyone,

It's been a while since I posted anything. My original DDay was October 23rd, and after many weeks of lies about the affair, on Christmas Day, he told me he took the condom off on their last sexual encounter. She wanted him to. That was my Christmas present.

The weird thing was that it disgusted me, but it didn't hurt me. He has dragged me through 2 months of half truths, and never had the courage to come clean. He cries every night saying how much he loves me. He begs endlessly for me to forgive him. He tells me he was lying to himself, and that he never really loved her even though he tried with his whole heart to fall in love with her. He says he took me for granted, and he would never do that again. He's a changed man and has God in his life.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kind of convenient to tell you now....when he suspects he may have something (STD...pregancy). Your WS is full off a lot of $hit here, you know that right? Oh well, it is all in the past right?, so don't give it any credence if your are recovering. At this point, you have taken him back despite a lot of horrible $hit, so what does this new revelation change?

Lemonman,

Thanks for your truthfulness. You have been the nay sayer here on the forum, but you have really helped me. I tend to look for the best in people, so therefore, I get burned. You were right on target when you said that there was so much more to this story than I knew.

Please don't stop letting people know the reality of situations. I am hopeful that our marriage will work, but yet, I don't want to settle anymore. I have given him until February to prove that he has changed his deceiving ways. February 11th is our 21st anniversary. Everyone here says I have to look at his actions. I think that will give me enough time to figure if his actions match his words.

srdd
srdd

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by srdd:
<strong>

I have given him until February to prove that he has changed his deceiving ways. February 11th is our 21st anniversary. Everyone here says I have to look at his actions. I think that will give me enough time to figure if his actions match his words.

srdd
srdd </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I think that is a good idea to look at his actions , but IMHO, and I have to be honest here, I am fearful for your chances because of this statement in your post:

"""**********
My phone has stopped ringing, and my husband, who is a person who could not live without his friends before DDay, doesn't have any interest in socializing anymore. He only wants to spend all of his time with me. That really is an oxymoron in my 20 years of marriage because he was always scheduling things to do away from me. Not because I'm a horrible person, but because he got so much pleasure from his friends, and he wanted to be with them.""""""""""********


This is a major red flag for me. People just don't "change" like this. I think your WH is obviously sorry..............but I suspect more sorry that "he got caught". I think you cannot possibly go from him having 20 years of a strong social network of friends, etc.. to just him being with you 24/7. This is gonna be very problematic for him when this "winning you back" feeling wears off. I hope the best for you and your children. I don't know why, but your post has me sad tonight. I am sorry if I am not offering you marriage building "support", I don't mean to always be a downer for people here. I really don't. Hang in there and be the great Mom that I am sure you are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

Lemonman,

It's funny that you say that. That is the single most concern that I have at this point. How can my husband go from 5 months of complete and total devotion to this OW, but as soon as I found out, he hated her, never wanted to see or talk to her again?

I have told him this does not ring true. He says he had a revelation. That is what changed him. After checking the cell phone bills and going through his calendar. Without exaggerating, during the 5 month period, he called her about 900 times. That's not counting how many times she called him.

How do you go from that to never talking, seeing, emailing, etc. again?

srdd

Lemonman,

It's funny that you say that. That is the single most concern that I have at this point. How can my husband go from 5 months of complete and total devotion to this OW, but as soon as I found out, he hated her, never wanted to see or talk to her again?

I have told him this does not ring true. He says he had a revelation. That is what changed him. After checking the cell phone bills and going through his calendar. Without exaggerating, during the 5 month period, he called her about 900 times. That's not counting how many times she called him.

How do you go from that to never talking, seeing, emailing, etc. again?

srdd

Lemonman,

It's funny that you say that. That is the single most concern that I have at this point. How can my husband go from 5 months of complete and total devotion to this OW, but as soon as I found out, he hated her, never wanted to see or talk to her again?

I have told him this does not ring true. He says he had a revelation. That is what changed him. After checking the cell phone bills and going through his calendar, without exaggerating, during the 5 month period, he called her about 900 times. That's not counting how many times she called him.

How do you go from that to never talking, seeing, emailing, etc. again?

srdd

can you offer any advice for the wife (Me) who can't confirm the OW but is pretty sure who it is and would love to call the OWH and tell him if he doesn't know and her church since she is such a good little christian, barf!

Lemonman,

It's funny that you say that. That is the biggest concern that I have at this point. How can my husband go from 5 months of complete and total devotion to this OW, but as soon as I found out, he hated her, never wanted to see or talk to her again?

I have told him this does not ring true. He says he had a revelation. That is what changed him. After checking the cell phone bills and going through his calendar, without exaggerating, during the 5 month period, he called her about 900 times. That's not counting how many times she called him. He met with her at least 3 times a week for lunch and kissing. They slept together on 4 occasions, etc.

How do you go from that to never talking, seeing, emailing, etc. again? How am I suddenly the most important thing in his life, but he couldn't tell me the truth about anything unless I asked specific questions, and then he pauses, hesitates, and with coercion and patience on my part, he tells the truth. I feel as though he is pretending that I am so important to him. I think he is still a sick person. We are going to MC, and last week I saw the old husband coming through. He got defensive during marriage counseling and started accusiong me of pushing him away. When in reality, I suspected something at the very beginning of the affair and begged him not to fall for anyone else. It wasn't me doing the pushing. It was him.

He also tried to manipulate me with a few half truths about going into the office where she would be there. After much discussion, he decided he didn't really need to go into the office.

I don't know what to believe anymore. The OW confirmed that she had not talked to him since the day after DDay, so I guess he is telling me the truth about that.

Anything that might help me through this, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks,
srdd

Well, in my situation, I caught an email in which the OW said she was thinking about my husband, and he responded that he was always thinking about her.

H admitted that they had kissed on 3 separate occasions, but that was it. After about a month of trying to believe this, I contacted the OW's husband. I asked him if he suspected anything between his wife and my husband. He said he did not. Then I told him about the kisses, and asked him if he thought they had sex. After my telling him this, all the problems he was having in his marriage started to make sense to him. That's when I finally began to learn the real, ugly truth.

So my answer to you would be to carefully ask the husband of the potential OW. Tell him the truth, and that you're not trying to ruin his marriage. Let him see your pain in even having to ask him.

But please, I'm certainly no expert in this, but I have found that usually my gut instinct is correct, even if I refuse to admit it even to myself.

Good luck. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I do have to say that this is the absolutely worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. I only hope that God is not preparing me for something even worse. God bless you.

srdd

srdd,
I don't know if your reply was for me but it sure does help to hear anything related. I still don't know if I can contact the husband because if I am wrong about her being the one, WOW what a mess I would make for all involved. But at the same time I am dying inside wanting to at least ask him if he has any concerns about his wifes behavior. And then how do I reach him other than the only way I know their home #, which she is likely to answer and catch wind of.