My wife had an affair a few months ago.

I cannot seem to find it inside me to move on. To get over the pain and hurt she has caused me.

I try. But, after a few days I end up steeped in a depression that is drowning me. Then I get past that rough time. I am okay for another 3 or 4 days. Then.. BANG!!!!!! I get knocked over again.

This cycle is killing me. I don't use those words lightly. I really have gotten to where I can stand this any longer.

My wife, she would like things to be back to normal. She would like to move on/forget/get over it/not-dwell-on-it.

I just can't. I see her affair everywhere I look. In every movie, TV show, song on the radio, in her every word, on the calender.

If I stay married to her, I won't even be able to celebrate our anniversary, as it will remind me of her "summer of fun". All the while I was the sitting at home and work.

This isn't new.

I just wonder, again and again; is it worth giving my heart and soul to this person again?
I did trust her. But, hurt so bad inside over this. And I keep thinking, shouldn't I be getting beyond this by now.
And I can't. I thought I forgave her but, I want to scream and yell WHY!!!!????? I've never raised my voice over this. She has yelled at me more on this topic than I her.

Go to your dr. and get on some anti-dperessant meds now. Then it takes time, time to sort this out in your head and decide what you want. Whether it is to try and save this marriage or move on. Only you can decide that.

In the meantime, as is customary, read this site and absorb as much knowledge as you can. Post here and others will help you through this tough time.

Good luck

MIF

I am sorry for your pain. Maybe you should express your feelings fully to your wife. It is essential that she understands how you are feeling and the pain it has inflicted on you. It is important to let her know that one option for you is to leave the marriage. Marriage counseling is a must. Her desire to simply sweep this under the rug will not work. She must be allowed to know what this has done to you and is doing to you. Unless she understands this and works overboard in showing remorse and working on your recovery then the alternative may be the dissolution of the marriage. If she does not know this from you then she will go on thinking everything is fine and you will be boiling up inside until you can't take it anymore. Again please express your feelings and make her realize that the survival of your marriage is at stake. I wish you luck.

I tell her how hurt I am. How it hurts me, how scared of being apart from her I am, how I've got no trust for her. Yet, these things to her are "mine" to deal with. She had/has her own stuff. And my stuff should be done.

SINCE: "haven't I bent over backwards and done everything you've asked."

She has in a physical sense.

But, emotionally. I am so empty. I hurt so bad. I cry most days for 1/2 an hour or more. This is all from a mid-summer d-day.

I've read a lot of the things around here. I know what I'm going through isn't unique. But, I read about others, who are on similar time-lines to me, they are moving on.
I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Marriage counseling isn't in the cards for us. We sort of live far enough out, or in too rural an area for anyone who would be able to help us in that respect.

I feel like I've given this a shot. I feel like she has too. But, I just don't think she is meeting my expectations.

Does that last bit make sense?

She isn't meeting my expectations. No she's isn't meeting my emotional needs. But, she is there to comfort me and my pain. She isn't there for me to hold. She is tired of my affection.

Another thing that really hurts. Here I am trying to be affectionate to her, and she is pulling away. Oh god that turns my stomach. Make me feel she wants to still be with him.

I really do feel like there is no point. Here almost six months later...and I still....

well... I still have all the hurt, pain, anger, and thoughts of hurting them or myself.

I keep hoping tomorrow will be a better day. But it isn't.
Tomorrow is worse. And I look at myself, I'm disgusted with what I see. I hate myself for letting my wife walk all over me. For loving her.
For getting up.

pokedad...

first and foremost....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well... I still have all the hurt, pain, anger, and thoughts of hurting them or myself.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU NEED HELP, if you're considering "hurting" anyone. End of discusion. I do not think anyone here will disagree with me here. Get to a doctor and get some help. It's OK to need / want help. You're no good to anyone in this state including yourself.

YOU NEED COUNSELING!!! I for one refused it during my marriage and I ended up divorced and experienced that pain first...then.....I found out about affairs AFTER we began to reconcile!! I know all about the pain...I "lost it"...had me a clinical "nervous breakdown"....and thanks to heavy counseling survived...

You need to know your feelings of desperation are normal.....how you handle them is what is important. This place is a great resource ..use it...and keep us posted. Good luck...

Okay...here's what I see as the #1 issue...

what is your support system ?

You have none right ?

You and your W are trying to maneuver your way through a MIND FIELD. This is all unchartered territory for both of you.

We aren't equipped with the coping skills to overcome this stuff...it's all learned behaviors.

Don't compare your timelines to anyone else's, your situation is unique to you.

Secondly, just because your W thinks you should just "be over it" doesn't mean you SHOULD be.

Don't be so hard on yourself. If you're not being mean and vicious to your W, she has to extend you some flexibility to heal. Unless she knows first hand the pain of infidelity, she can't make these types of judgement calls. Don't repeat this to her, ..by the way...just for your own purpose.

Definately seek anti-Ds if your doctor recommends them, but mostly... ACCEPT the fact you've suffered a terrible betrayal..and it HURTS...and yes...you'll have horrible, horrible days...maybe YEARS from now...you'll just have a horrible day, and you'll feel sad and depressed over it....I have to remind my H from time to time that this didn't HAPPEN to him...so please don't assume to know the right way for me to handle it.

Talk to us..if you can't talk to your W right now.

Nobody is without error...we can help you through.

Hey Pokedad,

What is preventing you from evolving to the next state?

It sounds to me like the same issues that were there before are still there. Unless you get to the root cause of the affair, understand it and deal with it, you will always feel like the book is not closed.

She pulling away from you. That, to me, is a bad sign. It may not be issues with OM, but is it possible that you are so needy (Oh damm, have I been there...) that you are driving her away? Maybe you are grasping for the wrong things and because you aren't getting what you really need, you keep grasping for more... but missing the mark...

Read up on this site. Here are some articles to get you started...
Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?
How to Meet Emotional needs

Dude, in some respects, I really know how you feel. Some people take longer to get over this than others and if you try to rush it or bury it, it'll keep coming back.

So keep yer chin up and let's deal with this, ok?

dewt

Read the suggested items. Phone counseling with Jennifer from MB can be done no matter where you are. Both Steve and Jennifer are great. Cerri is also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Read Surviving an affair and His Needs/Her Needs..... both are by Dr. W. Harley.

What you are going through are part of the stages of grieving. Please click on my sig link and read that thread.

You need both counseling and probably anti-deps.....also you need support. You are not abnormal, quite the contrary. Sad but true how many are suffering through an illness that appears beyond their control.

From what you have said, your W still has a ways to recover herself. She will need to be ready to accept that help or she will never recover.

You work on you. That much is doable for you.

take care,
L.