Below, is a draft of a letter I am going to send to my WW OM. Any suggestions/comments?

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XXXXX,

You don’t know me, but let me introduce myself, my name is xxx, husband to xxx, and father to xxx. You might be wondering why I would write you a letter? The simple answer is I hold you mostly responsible for the break-up of xxx and I relationship, and also for the break-up of xxx parents. Whatever the relationship you are having with my wife, whether it be physical or emotional, is completely unethical and something you should not be involved in.

Since early October, you have re-entered xxx life. Why I did not have a problem with xxx talking to you, I did have a problem with the secrecy involved. You knew that xxx was married; you knew that we had a son together, why would you continue to be an unhealthy part of her life? She crossed the line, when she (and you) decided to spend the night together under your roof. You can justify it as much as you like, but the simple answer is that line was crossed. As a third party to our marriage, you should at least acknowledge that. Most of our friends, and xxx family know what is happening between the two of you, so if your objective is to hide it as much as possible, that is not the case anymore.

I love my wife, and I love my son, both very much. With your continued involvement in her life, you are stopping us from reconciling and fixing any problems in our marriage. You don’t know me, and you do not know our relationship. I am sure xxx has told you much about it, and I am sure you agree with everything that she says. Unfortunately, xxx is not the same person she was 5 years ago, as I am sure you are not either. I am a excellent dad, and I think I made a good husband. Yes, we did have some problems in our marriage, but until you came along everything was manageable and we were working on it.

Basically, I want you out of xxx life, and I want you out of our life. If you have any sense of morals, you will realise you are putting a wedge into our marriage, and if it does come to the point that we need to divorce, and our son needs to have two separate parents, you can be assured that it was your fault, and your fault alone. I am sure you have my number, so if you wanted to speak about any of this, that would be fine. I have no doubt you will pass this letter onto xxx, and so be it. I cannot control what either of you do, but I do have a say over my sons involvement – to which he is to have no part in your relationship.

XXX
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Well, I don't know your story, but from what I've seen, it's a waste of time.

Far better to write your wife a letter expressing how much you love her and value the family that you and she provide for your child. Tell her how hard you are willing to work to help repair your family. Send her the letter and cc a copy to OM.

Not saying it'll work, I just think it's got a better chance.

dewt

Yep, already written a letter to my wife, in fact 2. They were done just under a month ago - 1 was about a week after she left, the other was about 2.5 weeks. Both did nothing, she didnt acknowledge them, and in fact tried to use them against me.

I thought that if I can get this letter to the OM, at least that way it may throw a bit of a spanner into the works ...

I don't trust my wife, and that is something which is based on what she has done, and how she has gone about it. I cannot talk to her either, and even if I do send another letter to her, it will do no good.

I'm talking about affecting OM with a letter...

I think it would do more good (if any) if he got it but it was addressed to her...

Anyway, either way... do me a favor; don't send any letters or do anything to till you think this through...

Come talk about it here first.

Take it from me; rash actions or decisions made emotionally can put you back tons.

dewt

I agree with dewt.

The ONLY reason to communicate with an OP is to inform him/her that the WS is actually married, not getting a divorce, has kids, is not married to an axe nurderer, etc. - if you suspect OP doesn't already know this.

I understand you desire to write to the op. The problem is the om doesn't care about you, you child, or your m. If he did, he would have been out of the picture a long time ago. op's are selfish cake eaters who couldn't give a rat's @$$ about the spouse. Don't send the letter. Don't give your power away to him. He's not worth it.

I know that, from an emotional point of view, it makes sense to contact the OM. You want to make him aware of how his involvement in this triangle makes you feel. The problem is, the OM is not the person most responsible for the destruction of your marriage. That person is your WW. She is the one that made vows to you, she is the one that promised to love you for better and for worst . . . The OM made no such vows to you. She is the one that is risking her marriage and the future happiness of her son.

It sounds like he knows that your wife is married and that you two have a son. He obviously doesn’t really care that much. If he is married I would tell his wife. If they work together, I would tell their boss.

You probably won’t accomplish what you wish by sending this letter; it may make you look pathetic and weak. I can almost guarantee that he will show the letter to your wife. Write all the letters you wish then burn them . . . pretend it is the OM.

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 09:25 AM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]</small>

First off, I am sorry for your pain, this is all terrible any way you slice it. Hang in there.


I echo the sentiments above, but I also have a question for you. Why did you write in that letter that you hold the OM most responsible for the break up of your marriage. That is NOT true in any case EVER. Your WW is the one who gave him any say in your marriage and LET him into your lives. I don't think I will ever understand the thinking by many here that the OP is somehow responsible for making the WS commit adultery. This is such a faulty concept, but is brought up time and time again.

I hope you understand this. I know that many others don't see it that way and think that an OP is a major cause for the marital problems, but you will see that this is NEVER the case.

Good luck in your struggles with this.

LM

Confused,

I am sorry for your pain. Is the OM married? If so..it seems like you'd be better served sending a letter to his wife.