My husband is terribly hurt about the affair that I had and it's been over a month now since he found out, yesterday he just lashed out at me calling me all sorts of names. I love him but just don't know what to do when he reacts like this. He constantly asks me the same questions over and over about the affair. any advise would be appreciated.

A month isn't so long as these sort of things go, he's hurt and needs to vent.

Are you in Marriage Counseling? If not, you should be...you need someone to guide you back to the shore, otherwise, he's going to stay hurt and angry, and you're going to get tired of being badgered.

I can only comment on this from the side of being cheated on, but it sucks big time....it's the worst feeling I've ever felt in my life, like the rug was pulled out from under me, and I did the same thing you say your husband is doing, I asked the same questions over and over and I made him give me every gory detail of the relationship, including the sex....nothing he could tell me was worse than what I was seeing in my head.

We went to marriage counseling briefly and for about a month the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife, I usually drank a beer or two just to be able to tolerate the feelings I was having....but that passed. I don't think we should've sotpped counseling so soon, as now we are in a similar predicament again, I'm telling you this because you need to make sure that EVERYTHING gets cleared up, that everything is on the table, no skeletons to surprise you at a later time.

In any event you're in for a rough ride, you'll have to be understanding and patient with him.

Definitely get the Marriage Builder books: His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair, they will help immensely.

Good luck and God Bless,

-Caren

Thanks Caren,

I'm just so sorry myself that I let it happen - sometimes i wonder why I walked that path, but no use living in the past. I have suggested couselling but he does not think it's a good idea at all and right now I feel that I do not want to pressure him. He has been pretty good but it's the times when he lashes out that I just don't know what to say because I know I am the cause of his pain. I want to so much tell him that I love him but I am afraid of his reaction as it will probably be negative. Is it a good idea to do this. I just so much want to say those words to him.

C2:

I think you should absolutely tell him you love him, be prepared for him to say "No you don't" or "How can you say you love me", don't argue with him about it, just tell him that you do love him and that you are sorry. He needs to hear it from you, he's probably dying to hear it from you. Don't be discouraged if he can't say it back or if he comes at you with something like "You wouldn't have cheated on me if you loved me...", you have to let him feel what he's feeling....and let him know that it's okay that he's mad, and you're still going to be there when he's done.

-Caren

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He constantly asks me the same questions over and over about the affair. any advise would be appreciated.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband hated the questions, still does and it has been 2 years. I think the reason for questions are:

1. An attempt to understand your affair, how did it happen? Why did you choose someone else rather than try and work things out? What about that other person made them more important than the BS? Did you feel regret? Did your stomach turn when you did it? Did you think of the BS when you were with the OP? How did you feel when you came home to them after being with the other person, did you feel happy, guilty, anything? etc...

2. Questions can be a test of honesty. Do you answer that same question asked over and over again the same way? If there is a difference, why? After the affair my husband had amnesia for a long time, he couldn't remember anything. I don't remember what his most common answer. In the last year he has opened up more and more. Most of their relationship was not that great. After dday they still talked for about 3 weeks. She sometimes would be very sweet and nice and other times she would ream him and call him every name in the book. But he didn't feel safe about talking about it for a long time.

3. It is part of the healing process. The WS understands every aspect of the affair. What was said, what was done, what happened, how they felt, and why the choice was made to stay with the BS. The BS has no first hand knowledge of that. All they know is what the person who lied to them, betrayed them, and hurt then tells them. How do they know what to believe?

If you want your BS to heal. Be truthful, but not hurtful. Be patient. Hold them when they cry. Tell them you love them when they are angry. Understand that they are in immeasurable pain and you are responsible for that pain. They didn't cause the pain. They probably contributed to the breakdown of the relationship but the choice to choose another was not their choice but yours. Work on the marriage. Both of you need to figure out what went wrong in the marriage and work toward fixing it.

This is not going to be easy for either one of you. There is pain and guilt on both sides. There are going to be times when either or both of you want to just chuck the relationship and get out. There will be calm moments, loving times and moments of despair. Expect it, and work through it.

What do you get on the other side? Hopefully, a happy loving relationship where you both work toward making the other happy, content and loved.

Cathy

Excellent post Cathy

-Caren