Ive been reading the postings on these boards for a few days now trying to make some sense of my own life through other peoples situations. And have been reluctant to post prior to now for fear of criticism and disgust from others - even if they should be strangers.
I dont blame my affair - on anything, anyone other than myself... but now need help from those experienced in the matter because I am just starting to face my responsibilities and live up to my Actions.

I fell in love (head over heels in love) with OM.
At first I blamed my wayward behaviour on my childhood, as I was molested by my Grandfather as a child - but I cant continue blaming him for my stuff ups.

That was my past - and only I have control of my future.

I was depressed, (and still am-but now being treated) at the time of marrying my husband. And I can truly say I dont know if I really loved him.
The sex had become almost non existent prior to our marriage - and we havent made love since we were married - which was 3 years ago now.

He is a wonderful man.. In fact he is everything you have ever dreamed of... suprising me with flowers, chocolates, limos etc - Well after we were married.
And I punish myself mentally for what I have done to this wonderful man - and he should be something I live for.

But alas 2 years ago, I became very close with a male friend, whom I could share my deepest darkest secrets with - including that of what happened to me as a child - and he understood, and inspired me to get help for myself.
Where as when I told my husband - he reacted quite badly, and was kind of like Ewww!
And he still doesnt know how to deal with it when I need to talk about things.

So as my conversations and connection with my friend continues - we fell in love.
And not just at a sexual connection - a deep love and understanding of each other.
And I know this guy knows me better than my husband ever will.

Now my Family see my husband as a prince - the way he treats me etc - and I know they will think Im crazy for what happened. (Hell someday I think Im crazy) But I know the OM knows me better than anyone ever could... and I have been sitting on the fence for too long now trying to get off it.

I love my Husband - but the fact is Im not In love with him.
We dont have children - thank god.. but after 7 years you still care enough for someone not to want to hurt them - so Ive been unintentionally avoiding the break.

Until the OM told me he would leave - as he needed to get on with his life and I understood that - but I couldnt let him go.
It was like someone had died. Part of me had gone with him.
I think he (the OM) is my soulmate.
But I dont want to hurt my husband - and Im tossing up forgoing my own happiness with the man I really love - for the happiness of my husband.. as I wish not to hurt him.

I am really just so confused

SadAingel,

Sorry I don't have energy right now but read this true’s heart letter to ws.

Give me your comment after you read it.

-rh-

SadAingel

I see a lot of problems from your post and a lot of avoidance with your issues. I suggest your H has some as well.

Its not really giving up the love of our life because if it was I suggest you would have left a long time ago. The OM probably FEELS like the love of your life I suggest and yet I SENSE between the lines some doubt on your part.

It would appear to me from your post - and that may be the way you have written it - that you encouraged and sought the OM's intimacy and shunned your husbands from day one of the M.


No sex since you M??? I mean didn't it sound big warning bells at all???
You would not/could not share your self with your H with SF but could with OM?
So is that his issue or yours?? you dont say.
I am assuming its yours & was related to the depression.????
It would appear on the surface that you have never met many of your H en's (emotional needs)and perhaps have never tried. I think he may have given up on some of yours though you do say he he treats you very well and with some thought so maybes he's trying. Maybe hes totally confused on what YOU want, maybe our are as well???

Truthfully, and I know this is not a MB suggestion here, if your H had been me I would have left or I'd be getting my SF elsewhere....do you know if he is or not???

OK you told your H about the abuse and he reacted badly...well maybe because you never approached him before, never trusted him before and he has and had no idea how to respond so he ran from it.
Yes he could have done a lot better but have you thought that not having ever meet his en's he may not have felt he should or could meet yours in such an important issue?? Maybe because of lack of communication he just had no idea how to??

Lot of things to work out here and accepting responsibility is just a start. The next thing is to tell him and see what HE wants to do. Surely after all this time he deserves that option at least and you should in the least allow him to try to meet all your needs as you should try to meet his if he wants to rebuild the M.

Now in the real world SadAingel Relationships that come out of affairs have a very small chance of succeeding for very long, you can look those figures up yourself if you want to, so think very very carefully before you think you can run of happily into the sunset with the OM.

So first thing first...
you need to tell your H.

2.. you should allow him the privledge of deciding if he wants to go on with this M

3 if he does YOU need to consider YOUR options and reality and be totally honest with your H.

4. you need to understand what is driving you so that you know why you choose to do what you do....that means some IC if you are not getting it already.

5 you really need a good pro marriage cousellor if you even have a thought of staying...and if your H is willing I think you should...but thats just my opinion.

Sorry you found yourself in this position and I realise its so much easier to be wise in hindsight isn't it. But welcome aboard the wild rollercoaster ride of active MBing.

Remember you can vent her, yell here take or leave any advice here, reply or ignore anyone but understand we are not professionals like the Harleys, just ordinary people like you who have been through the hell of an affair on one side or the other...me I was the BS, wife also posts here and it helps, helps a lot.