Yesterday my husband finally asked for a divorce. In a way I am relieved. he insists that he cant move out, for financial reasons , and as our apartment is jointly owned , I have no legal recourse to evict him, unless he is physically abusive.

I will need to move away after our divorce to work in my chosen field (teaching) but in the meantime I need to stay here to get a quickie divorce on grounds of his homosexuality. If I was to move away first Id have to wait 2 years...

His refusal to move out is horrible. Since telling me of his decsion he has been trying to pick fights nonstop. I dont want the children to be in this kind of atmosphere. In the meantime I am making sure that I keep myself looking nice (hair and makeup done with adab of perfume) and just keepign oput of his way and carrying on with my day to day routines. I am trying hard not to bite when he trys to ruffle my feathers. I know he is looking for justification for his decision.

Id liek some imput on how I should act during this difficult time. Thanks everyone! And Happy New Year!

Deb, does his threats for divorce kind of ring like...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good job, Wesley. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dread Pirate Roberts, Pricess Bride

I think it's time for boundaries and the woman of strength within you to rise to the surface.

This looks like: Ok - so you want a divorce. I'm not at liberty to take action at this point, and since you are unwilling to move out, then you will just have to be nice. After all, this isn't just your home. It's our children's home and you are their father.

Then prepare to back it up with a call to your minister for an in-home intervention, if needed. Ministers can be very persuasive when one fears cultural "outing".

Thanks Kayla. I will talk to him about it first and then call in the cavalry if it does have a positive effect!

he was much better this evening. Emerged from the bedroom for supper and then for family prayer. I have had to go in a few times for things and hes been ok. Thanks:)

Debra,

Most WS ask for a D and say they can't leave. Fog babble.

Tell him if it is sooo important that he wreck his family to be with his BF or GF (can't tell which gender he is pulling towards - sorry), then he should be willing to:

1. File for the D himself.
2. Move out himself.
3. Continue his financial obligations for his family because that is required whether or not he is D, in an A, separated or anything else.
4. Not be threatening to you and your family's safety in all aspects (finacially, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically).


Whether you realize it or not, he has already been threatening. Call up an abusive women's hotline in your area and give them your scenario. Most WS think they can reek havoc on the emotional side of the family and NOT be considered abusive. Not so. If a 911 dispatcher hears him yelling at you and you asking for help but he has not hit you, they will still dispatch out police to check out any domestic violence issues.

Right now the A has been bordering on insanity. Real good choice he is making eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> His BF or GF isn't having a good effect on him now are they? Nope the A isn't either.

So tell him to zip his pants and before he changes genders to go be a man and let him do the work of filing. Don't let him talk you into doing his dirty work for him.

Sorry to be so graphic but you may need to have the right frame of mind so you won't forget he is a WS not your H right now.

Maybe one day your H can come back and then you can deal with him on a more compassionate level. Right now as long as he is being an azz, you have to protect you and your family's rights.

Plan A is about you soul searching and improving yourself. Not being a doormat. You take care of you but don't take the abuse part that comes from the WS. Identify your boundaries and implement them.

Get with a good MC or IC. If you can get a phone call into Steve Harley @ MB he may be able to help you setup a solid plan.

take care,
L.

Hi Debbra- I really feel for you having been in this same spot a few years ago. In my case my H was continuing his A (lying all the while) was frequently mentioning divorce and looking for apts.( I got thank you for visiting notes in the mail from the apt managers) but he wouldn't actually rent one. He claimed he wanted D definitely but wouldn't move out of the house( except for a few wks in the beginning) because he was told by his attorney that it could affect him getting custody of the kids. We live in OH- in OH you can file either on grounds or no-fault.I found an attorney thru a referral from an attorney I knew from church. That attorney told me he could have H out of the house in a few wks after filing some paperwork. We never actually got to that point though because soon after I found this legal information out my H did file for D and it was right after that he snapped out of his MLC coma and ended his A. If I were you I would quietly try to consult with a few attorneys on the phone to find out if you can get H to leave. I certainly wasn't going to move because my 3 kids were all on different bus schedules and activies and I was a SAHM with my hands full. Take care- lifeismessy

Orchid..thanks for your reply. My husband isnt actually having an A at this time. he had a very involved EA online last year which ran inton this year. The guy eventually realised how serious it was getting and saw no future with my H and ended contact. In revenge, whilst the A was dying, my H has a one night stand with a promiscuous married man who lives here, who he had met online. Since then he has become totally obsessed with homosexuality to the point of spending mst of the day thinking about it, reading about it, viewing movies about it. he has cut down on chat but instead spends his time reading online or offline and playing card games alone. In fine he is totally depressed, sees no way out of his obsession and will not seek medical help as the last 2 lots of antidepressants he tried did not work for him. his reason for divorce is that "I cannot stand you, everything has to be your way", and that "my feelings (towards homosexuality) will not change".

I have been doing a strong planA for a long time. I no longer lose my temper with him ever. He claims I give a counter argument for everything he says but I cannot stand back and agree that homosexulaity is acceptable, especially when it is breaking up my family. This morning we were talking and he became extremely agitated and I kept calm and asked him why he felt the need to get angry. I have asked him to pray for teh capacity to forgive me. he says that wont change teh way he feels about men!

He does seem to be being more reasonablenow.

Lifeismessy

Thankyou also. When we were separated before we went to see a lawyer and draw up a separation agreement. She actually told us that situations have arisen here where a couple have divorced and the wife wanted to evict the husband. Unfortunately in cases of joint ownership nothing can be done (unless of course he is physically abusive). The most I can hope is for the judge to order sale of our apartment when the divorce goes through (he seriously thinks at the moemnt that he can buy me out when his salary barely meets our family expenses living together, less when he has to pay alimony and child support!).

It is going to be in m,y hands to file. he would quite happily go on living here for teh indefinate future. He obviously has no plans to remarry. If we are to move on it needs to be me who files.I can get legal aid as Im not working. I have no plans on spending the rest of my life living in limbo with him withoutb the affection that I most dearly need above all else. Thus it is left to me to clear up the mess.....