Ok DD,

Here is your new thread. No more talk of suicide ok? Let's hear what the experienced folks here can do to help you protect your love for you WW and be a dad to your kids. Let's get YOU strong.
Anyone care to start?

The best thing I was able to do for myself was make a PLAN. So this post is a good first step <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Plans allow you to not react with your feelings...or to pre-plan alternative reactions to things.

-This sounds so simple--but what about a puppy? My little angel-dog got me through the worst of this. As long as you feed them, walk them and pet them once in awhile, puppies love you no matter what. Plus they make you laugh with their antics and make you groan with exasperation when they pee on the floor. Best of all, they make you FEEL.

-Once a week hang out at Barnes&Nobles or other similiar bookstore, get yourself a latte, sit in one of the comfy chairs and read. Don't need to talk to anyone..but there's something about being in a comfy setting, having something to do, seeing most other people there are alone too. This REALLY helped me a LOT. If you're up to it, could even do a book-club kind of thing there.

-yoga or some kind of class-work out like martial arts or weight class. Same principal as bookstore. You do not need to socialize, but there are still other people there. Or even one of those Home Depot classes.

-journaling. Heck, half my journal is ripped out because I couldn't believe some of the venom and bitterness I wrote, some of the heartbreaking lonliness. But it helped to get it out at the time.

DD,

I saw that you are having trouble concentrating at work. Are you on AD's? I know that helped me get my focus back and be able to be calm during my H's A. Just a thought.

DD - I'm sure more experienced people will be here soon, but I wanted to say that after reading your last post, maybe a Plan B might be what you need? The purpose of Plan B is to help you save any of the love you still feel for your WS. It is to protect you from the hurt their flipancy (?sp) causes.

Good luck to you and God Bless!

PS - there's no reason to feel like you are less than any one of us here - We are all important and special in our own way...God made us everyone, and He doesn't make junk - I'm really glad you decided to post here last night, and that you talked with someone to get through the awful pain you had/have. Please keep on posting...talk through your fears and pain now, and eventually, you'll have your own success and "good day" stories to tell...it's all in the details man, honest - it's not about how bad it's raining outside, it's about how the flowers smile after the rain, or about getting to wear your new rain slicker and boots. It's not about how high and cold the snow is, it's about the snow angels you get to make again with your kids. If you put your hands to the sides of your face (sort of like blinders for a horse) all you can see is what is directly in front of you, and right now, what is in front of you is a lot of pain, but God see's all of the picture, and those of us who have made it through what you're right now experiencing can see more of the picture than you - we're on the outside looking in, and the view is always wider from a distance - hang in there...we're not saying it's gonna be an easy road, but this is the one we're on whether we like it, or chose it, or not...let's make the best of it.

DD:

It is a truth that the last thing a person in deep pain is able to hear is principle. Or a plan. So I’ll keep this short. Promise you’ll wait until the end of this one day before you do anything, During this one day pretend that what all these good people are saying is the LAW, and ride this out. At the end of the day, simply decide to do it again--for just one day.

That’s what got me off of that roof, into that hospital (two weeks) on those anti-depressants, closer to God and my real friends, surviving her A, and adjusting to her leaving. Pain’s still comes, but I’ll never threaten my own life again. You’re so lucky to have found this place. Accept the blessing—just for today. YOU. CAN. DO. THIS.

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

I don't have a plan.

Nor do I know how to go about getting one.

Let me tell you what I have.

I have love in my heart for my wife. But that is fast running out. THAT SCARES THE SUGAR OUT OF ME!
I love my children.

I think i answered the EN question for everyone else. I don't know what I want.
I support finacially my family. I would like help with that: wife got a job had an affair.

LIKE I WANT HER OUT OF THE HOUSE WORKING AGAIN.

Conversation:
I'm scared to answer these question honestly. My wife won't ever meet my expectations.
I want to have a conversation about the things in life that mean something to me. Not trival baloney day in and day out. But also not heavy conversation all the time.

I'll write more in a min...

recreation:
I love doing things with my wife...but after 3 kids 4-7....I don't even know her any longer. Nor she I.

We cook good together.

The problem.....no matter how late she sleeps in in the morning. As soon as I put the kids to bed at night, she is out like a light. She won't talk, won't curl up and watch a movie with me. She conks out no later then 9pm. BUT when she was out screwing OM....she didn't get home til 4am!

The hell with this...why should I even bother.

I can't do this.

I'm right back where I was yesterday. I can't live with this. I can't live with what she's done to me. ANd she doesn't give a rat's butt!

DD, you need a plan for YOU, not a plan for your marriage. You can't make a plan for your marriage until you've got YOU taken care of. Well, you *can* make that plan for your marriage but it's not going to do you any good.

Being totally honest....I have no clue where to start with that.
And to place one of my reservations on the table....it seems selfish to do any planning for me when my marriage is messed up.
when there is, as always, a 1000 things to be done. No real time for me to figure out my little selfish desires.

The family plane is crashing. You, the pilot, must put the mask on first, decide on how to save YOU, then you can help the crew. It must start with you, DD!


Read the link in my signature and know that I know from whence you speak.

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

DD,-
i gree you need a plan for YOU. you can't controll what anybody else does, only what you do. if you do the right things, when this is over, YOU WILL be a better man for it.
we know this is hard.

we are all here for you.

if you are not on AD'S, go see your dr. i didn't want to either, and was embarresed to admit that i was depressed, but there is no reason to be. more people are on aD'S then you or i will ever know.you don't have to go into detail about your depression with your dr. i didn't. i just told him the wife and i were having some difficulties and he was completely understanding. it took 7-10 days for them to start working, but i am so glad i have them now. not forever, but right now, i/you need them.


also, we are all here for help and support. you are NO LESS of a man or person then anyone else here!

keepyour chin up and take one day at a time.

YOU CAN DO THIS

arjdad

DD, that's what we want to help you with with this post.

You cannot do anything about your marriage in the state you're in. Let's be honest here. Would *you* want you back in this condition? You're placing the responsibility of your happiness and your very life on your wife's shoulders!! Who {i]wouldn't[/i] run screaming for the hills over that?

I understand that this may be hard to accept, but everything you do for YOU right now has a positive impact on your marriage. No one here can guarantee you that it will be enough. But what you're doing now can only drive your wife further away. Does she give a rat's [censored]? Well..who knows? But i'll bet you anything you're scaring the begeezies out of her. You are making her responsible for you...you are trying to give the SOLE responsiblity for you to her. Even if she were the perfect wife with no A's under her belt, DD, she can't do that for you. You're scaring her with this burden and only making your situation worse.

We know you're not feeling particularly strong right now. We know you're feeling even less strong for feeling that way. So let's start small.

Do you like to read?
Do you like browsing the internet?
Are you a nature person?
Do you like animals (in general?)

dleightonc,
I know this will sound negative, but it is the truth...

I read what you wrote. First impression. And Last for that matter...save them. Get them to safety. Parachute. Then figure out where I am at.

HAHA:
I'm guessing after they all get to safety, there will be a moth worn chute, with dry-rotted lines.

I find the last bit I wrote more funny, than serious. But, it is how i feel.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
it seems selfish to do any planning for me when my marriage is messed up.

No real time for me to figure out my little selfish desires.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DD,
You and I are both givers, married to takers.
When going through the Hell of losing my wife of 21+ years, one of the things I came to realize is that for so many years, I neglected myself. I gave and gave and gave, at the expense of me and my own identity -- I neglected my own needs, and I allowed my WW to neglect my needs.

That wasn't good for me, my WW, or our marriage.

The point is: thinking about YOURSELF right now is NOT selfishness. To the contrary, it's absolutely necessary, and probably way overdue.

DD

There's a big difference between a boat without a sail, and one that has a sail. One will flounder, the other will be guided with little effort.

You need a sail. Something to give your life direction. Your children should be your sail, reason to guide your life in a positive way.

Now is not the time to fret about your WW. Right now, in spite of the fact that you are M, she is not your wife. You cannot contol her, or her destiny.

You can, however, control yours. And the control of your own life and your own destiny may bring your WW back into your life as the W you once knew. But this cannot be accomplished until you have a direction.

Plan A is as much about improving yourself, as it is ending the affair and saving your marriage. Every BS has stood in your shoes. Each of us has felt the utter dispair, the sadness, the loss of the life we thought we had. Each of us has been devastated to the very core, struggling daily through work, taking care of household chores, other obligations. Each of us has lain awake at night wondering if we'll get 2 or maybe 3 hours of sleep. Each of us has lost 15 to 30 pounds because food has no taste, and our minds are overwhelmed by the emotions of the affair. You, DD, are not alone.

Please just put your WW out of your thoughts for a while, and work on you. She is of no importance in your life right now. Your children are in need of a responsible adult, you, to be in charge of their lives. Dedicate your thoughts and actions to being the best dad on earth. Give them all your love. Unconditionally. Plan activities, and have fun with them. They will give you back more than you can ever give them, trust me on this!

Please listen to the general theme of all who care so much for you, and get some AD's to help you though all this. It is not a sign of weakness, it is an intelligent move, to gain control of your life. Be proactive, and take charge. Empower yourself to be in control of your life. Your God will be there for you, just for the asking.

Dalton Dad, there are many people praying and caring for you. Please open your heart and receive the care.

You can do this.

Best wishes,
SD

maddyk

I've been a voracious (spelling??) reader from time to time. I think I did an over load on the self help stuff though.

Not much of an internet person. Just this site.
That gets us back to the self help stuff.

Nature and animals. love them.

Problem...I can't seem to focus on anything beyond my problems. I want to fix what is broken.
Looks like the #1 thing that is broken is me. And I can't fix that.

DD, I'm going to talk straight with you right now. Actually I've been talking straight to you from my very 1st post to you. This time around I would REALLY appreciate it if you would answer some of my questions, OK?

First off until YOU get YOUR SH** together it will be difficult to work on M recovery. In getting yourself together I mean you need to get out of this hole you're in. Get these suicidal thoughts out of your mind. Maybe if you can look at your W as being an addicted person it will help you not to take her bad behavior so personally. I know, that ain't easy! DD, 5 months is not that long. At 5 months I was still dealing with withdrawal issues from my H.

Now would you please listen to me? I am in the mental health field and you are in a major depression. You need help with this. There is no shame in being depressed. It is a classic symptom of the BS. I think the problem you are having is that you aren't getting help for it. My questions for you: Are you on an AD? Every time one of us suggests this you don't respond. Are you or aren't you? You want a plan, well this is #1 on the plan. If you aren't on an AD, get on one. If you are on an AD, then get reassessed for another one. Sometimes it takes a while to get on the right AD. (2) Are you in IC? If you're not, find yourself a therapist, NOW!

These are 2 very concrete things YOU can be doing for yourself. When a person is severely depressed it's difficult to have the energy to even make the phone calls they need to make. I understand that. But you did make that call last night which was couragious. Now take the steps to get help for yourself. Your thinking patterns now are very typical of someone who is depressed. Very negative! You don't have to live this way, and I'm not talking about suicide. That would be your way out, but sure as HE%% wouldn't be doing anything for the people who love you.

DD, please answer these 2 questions, then we can help you further with your plan. If it still isn't clear to you, I will point this out again. You have friends, real friends here on this site. I wouldn't be posting to you if I didn't care about you. You will recover from this hell you're in, but you will have to make some effort. Forget about worrying that you are bothering any of us. We all have been in the lowliest of places because of our S's As. As someone else said, time to give your M up to God, let your MB friends support you, and help you do what you need to do. I'm going to stop writing and hope to hear from you. CV

Dalton Dad,

Is that Dalton, GA?

I'm over in north Alabama.

You love nature and stuff.

What about you and I meeting over at Little River Canyon on Friday morning and have a little hike?

There's a concrete plan.

mb11094@yahoo.com is my "MB" email address.

Maybe I'll even bring along a bottle of AD's my wife refused to take.

-Paul

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD's:

I'm not a Dr. I don't play one on TV either.

I'm just a man. I tried taking prozac. Sexual side effect aside. It was making me feel 'odd'.
TO a Dr. that might mean it was working.
To me, each time I would take it I felt like I was going out of my head.
That could have been psyco-sematic or real. I don't know. After a while, I felt like i was in a fog. I felt zombie like. Almost the thorozine-shuffle thing. I stopped taking that after 6 weeks.

And no, I've not persued any others. Many Many times people round here have suggested it.

I guess, I figure, if my body is supposed to be making more of the feel good stuff, then a proper diet, or a resonable amount of exercise will do it.
So I try to eat well. TRY is the operative word there.

I try to exercise. I'm not a slug really. I'm in pretty good shape anyway. Just can't goto the gym...that place is a 1000 triggers waiting to happen. I couple of times I've walked to the door. Didn't even make it inside.

Taking time off work isn't an option. Wife quit work because OM was still working there. I pretty much MADE that happen.
I hate to whine about money...but I can't take an unpaid leave. Work schedual is too high, as is bill load at home after x-mas.

DaltonDad,

So, is that a "no" on the hike?

-Paul