Dalton said On the plus side. I do feel like I can make it. I know who can help me make it: that would be me. I know I have support from everyone here (Thanks) I think I know that this isn't the end of the world...even if it still feels like it. I do worry about the next episode. I fear that. But I am still trying.
Hey Dalton,

That all sounds like you are coming out of that dark hole. Can I share this back at ya if you need a reminder down the road? It is all true. You can make it.
You can help yourself out of this.
You do have support here.
And it isn't the end of the world.

The next episode. Maybe that is where a plan needs to come in. What do you think you need when at your darkest? How can you get out of the pit next time?

Glad you are feeling some relief.

Tiggy

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 09:27 PM: Message edited by: Tiggy ]</small>

DD, I am very glad that you made it throught the darkness to a better day. Just keep reaching out, OK?

Tiggy, sorry if what I wrote hit you the wrong way because of your own personal experience with suicide. One of the risk factors of suicide is a family history of suicide. What I was trying to get across to DD is that by committing suicide he might be getting rid of his extreme pain, but it will be passed on to his kids. If that wasn't the case why would a family suicide even be a risk factor for the children? Plus the statistics you wrote down speaks exactly to my point of the far-reaching effects suicide has. Like it or not, if DD would have chosen suicide(which I am forever grateful that you didn't DD), all those statistics would at least be greater possibilities for his kids.

Maybe I shouldn't have said a "lifetime of pain." How about the suicide of a parent would be something major that a child would have to come to terms with in his/her lifetime? Death is difficult enough to deal with. Add on being a child when it occurs, and then add on that it was a suicide, which is difficult for anyone to come to terms with. I'm sure many factors help in the healing of a child, such as the parent who is left behind to help their children. You probably are a major factor in your children's adjustment. In DD's case the kids would be left with the fogged out W.

You're right in that guilt alone can't stop a person who has their mind set on suicide. However, I was taught in dealing with suicidal clients that we try to reach them in any way we can. Sometimes that might be the person's belief in God and that suicide is against their spiritual beliefs. Sometimes it is reminding them of the people that they love and who love them. Maybe those things might be enough to help the person contemplating suicide hold off for one more day. Maybe just long enough for their perspective to shift a bit so they will get help.

I'm glad your children are doing so well. People heal from all sorts of hellish experiences and are stronger for them. I guess as a parent I wouldn't want to put my children in a place where they would even have to heal if I had a choice. That is what I was trying to get across to DD. Again, sorry if I triggered any pain for you. CV

What is my plan for next time??????????


?????


That is right. I just hope to make it. I don't know where the triggers will come from. I can't see them coming round the corner. If I could I would walk the other way.

I am really happy!!! I know that sounds STUPID!!!! doesn't it? But I do. I feel stupid for being happy because I made it through the last storm! Dumb isn't it?

Well that is how I feel. Happy because I made it.

The next steps....who knows.

I'm looking at tomorrow morning. That is a goal.


I need to block out a bunch of triggers right now and "TRY...TRY...TRY" to goto bed and sleep.

If i can manage that, today will have been okay.

thanks ya'll

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: Dalton Dad ]</small>

DD, when you have triggers maybe try the following. First I'll compare it to what a person should do when he/she has a panic attack. The worst thing to do is to fight it. If the person can kind of detach and say to themselves, "I seem to be having a panic attack. My heart is beating faster and I'm breathing harder." In other words they acknowledge it, observe it, and it goes away."

Was that a dumb example? What I'm trying to say is that just like the feelings from a panic attack are just feelings, and they do go away, the same is true for triggers. They will happen. When they do, acknowledge it, vent on here if you need to, be aware of your feelings, and then let them pass on through.

Hope that made sense. It's late, and I babble when it's late. CV

DD,

Just checking in with you. You sound so much better. Day by day you are getting through. And boy I am with you on wishing I could see where all the triggers are going to come from.

And it makes sense to me that you are happy. You just got through a horrible moment. But just be gentle with yourself, k?

I think it was Sisf2 that used the control, alt, delete to dump triggers. Worth a try. I am going to give it a go next trigger I hit. Which could be any moment with me PMSing and all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Chin up and keep up the good stuff.

CV, Didn't hit me the wrong way at all, just disagree a bit. I got the gist of what you were saying. I just know that 8 years ago, if my kids had read those words they would have fallen in a heap of sorrow and tears, feeling like they were going to be sad forever.

It was hard enough that we had to fend off the comments about him going to hell. Brother, ticks me off just thinking about it that someone at church would tell a nine year old that their dad is in hell. An aside, that daughter has since decided there is no god. Makes me sad that she has chosen to be spiritually empty for now. There is time though, she is just 17.

I like you by the way and thought about that later. I should have also said I totally think you are right on 99.9% of the time. This computer stuff makes it hard to get across my meaning sometimes.

Totally agree with the stats. We have to be extra careful in our family. We have 2 suicides on my husband's side and then my ex. And I agree--reach them anyway you can.

I just know that it wouldn't have worked on me when I was suicidal. I had already figured out how to get my kids taken care of and figured they were better off without me. Of course, not true. But at the time, it would have just bounced off me. I had convinced myself that one of the reasons I was doing it was because I loved them, to give them a better life. So glad I didn't go there.

Can we make up now? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am sorry also if I was disrespectful at all. I am going to look at my post again tommorrow and edit if I catch myself being pompous, disrespectful or arrogant. I am still learning how to disagree without bashing at the same time.

Tiggy

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 12:36 AM: Message edited by: Tiggy ]</small>

DD,

You just gotta be strong! I know easier said than done but you got to do for you and your kids. It really doesn't matter what anybody else thinks... This times for you!

Come on, life isn't so bad on the other side. Get up the courage and see what's out there!

Cheers,

Miker

(edited to add) Oh yeah... DD, glad to see you still posting here. You will not regret the choice you made. I'm sure life will throw a kind light your way very soon!

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 02:14 AM: Message edited by: Miker ]</small>

You know what I find odd....

Ask me who my best friend is?


My wife. I could ask many of you that....even whilst in the middle of hell..It would still be the same answer. You WS.

My wife, in the middle of this has always said I was her best friend.

I just don't get it?


I'm not a person who collect friends. I don't really have any. It's not as though I'm a creature or a troll.
I just don't make the extra time, or put forth the extra effort it take to make and keep friends.
No....I'm not really a bubbly social type.

I'm exclusive in that respect too I guess.

I wouldn't call myself an introvert.

Hmmm???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am really happy!!! I know that sounds STUPID!!!! doesn't it? But I do. I feel stupid for being happy because I made it through the last storm! Dumb isn't it </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, it doesn't sound stupid. When you get over a really bad flu you always feel better than ever because you are so glad to have that sick feeling gone. Same thing here, you were near the bottom and now that you have overcome that feeling, you feel great! You will even out and you will have bad days again. What you need to do is have a plan for those bad days. Who are you going to call? What are you going to do to get through it?

Dalton Just checking in. How are you? Let us know what is going on.

Tiggy

DD, How was your NYE? One day at time remember?

Chiming in on wishing a good year for you, DD.

About the friend's thing. I think a LOT of us feel that way. I still think of my h as my best friend, but also acknowledge that he's not really deserving of that title right now.

I took a personality test and I am INFP..I being introverted. Now...I am not shy and can talk to people, especially if there's something in common. But I'm not outgoing either. Most of the folks I know are "acquaintance friends"...very few of them am I close to. It's hard for me to make close friends because I don't open up to people easily, except with surface things.

Anyway...I think that's one of the things that makes all of this so hard for me (and maybe for you)...since my circle of close friends is so limited, it's a real blow to lose the one I considered to be my best friend.

Plus, I always thought I'd be able to stay friends with him if we divorced and while that's a nice idea, I don't think I can. He just hasn't been a very good friend lately.

So don't feel silly about feeling that way about your wife, nor she feeling that way about you. It's pretty normal.

Maddy,

Where did you find the personality test? Was it something you could do online? That sounds like some fun.

Tiggy

Tiggy,

It was www.personalitypages.com I believe.

The test is $5.00. Not a lot of $$ and it was very insightful. I took the test several months ago and have never gotten "spam" or anything like that because of it.

Test is pretty in-depth. I think they said in a "controlled" environment, it is close to 100% accurate, and in an internet environment 75%

For me personally, the description if INFP is dead on correct. I was truly amazed. It goes into a general description (after you get results), possible career paths and the WHYs of that, relationship inclucing love, parenting and friends and finally goes into ways to grow.

Why should I even start to trust her again.

She eggs me on too. Yet, I can't bring myself to.
She inplies that is what is standing in our way. Yet, I see it as her ability to open up to me.

Here I am a guy! You know one of those emotionally devoid creatures! You know....the kind. Well that was never me. Nor am I a hyper-sensitive guy (think dramatic gay guy).

Anyway, I'm the one doing all the talking. My wife, who has never been at a lack for words....she can't even open her mouth.
I don't berate her, I don't prod her with questions.

We are talking simple stuff....."how are you feeling?" "what's up" or "can I have hug?"

See, she won't hardly give me a grunt sometimes.

If things "seem" normal. She reverts back to who she was. But, that isn't who she is.
She is keeping herself from me.

I'm so tired of knocking on the door.

I want to bust down the door, the walls, the shields!

That is what I want to do.
---------------------------------------

She wants to do something with me. Get in better shape. Not that either of us is in bad shape. just to improve eating, and fitness stuff.
That is really cool she wanted to do it together!!
So she picked up that "body for life" book.
She read it, asked me to. I'm a pretty fast reader. Figured I'd sit down, devour it in an hour or two. I got to like chapter 1:

Then the hammer dropped.

SET 5 GOALS

Sorry...I've only got one goal. Make my marriage work. Not just work, thrive. Make other couples jealous.
Now I know this book is more than about fitness and eating right. It is a mind set. That I could apply what the guy who wrote the book's (can't remember his name) pricipals to almost anything in life.
POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE.....Get a plan....Stick to it.
Hey, that is what the MB plan A and Plan B are about, right?

SO, I hit this massive road block. I've got a goal. I've got no plan.
So much of my plan revolves around my wife. What she wants and needs.
As for me. I just want to feel loved. Loved by her.
It sounds silly writting that. That all I really want is to feel loved. But that is it! I'd give my left arm for that! Not for the whole package...the house, the kids, my parenting, the car, the jobs,
Just for me....for who I am...
That is what every man and woman deserves. To feel loved by another person (and I'm not talking about your mother and father).

And that is all I want.

Okay that is two goals:

I want my marriage to thrive.
I want to be loved.

one is pretty reliant on the other. But, I guess, living is reliant on breathing!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay that is two goals:

I want my marriage to thrive.
I want to be loved.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you need to do to accomplish these goals?

DD, has your W read Surviving an Affair or HNHN? Have you both done the EN questionaire? Maybe the working to be in better shape can be seen by you both as recreational activity that would be $$ in both your LB's?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithful follower:
DD, has your W read Surviving an Affair or HNHN? Have you both done the EN questionaire? Maybe the working to be in better shape can be seen by you both as recreational activity that would be $$ in both your LB's? [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FF (HUGS)

Thanks!

You just spurred me in the right direction.
See I've tried to get her to get into "SAA", "Love Busters", and a Non-MB book "After the Affair"

She really wants to "get into shape".
She's upset about her body since having children. Actually, in the months of her affair she lost a lot of weight...she looks great.
I feel sort of bad. I always have tried to support her in weight loss. Working out. Eating right. I do those things without much effort.
So she gets involved with OM. Nothing like and A to want to make you look better right!?

Anyway, she still wants to keep this up. BUT!!!
Since D-day she's gained some weight. She's mad at me for losing 30-40 lbs!!!?? Not that I wanted to malnurish myself.

Back to my point here. She wants us to do this "together". I looked at that as an opportunity. Something we could do. That would be recreational.

Now I wonder, after your post if I could work the same thing into getting her to read these books.
Get her to work on our marriage with the same amount of effort as a physical workout.

In theory it sounds great (in my simple mind). But, I don't know that she has the same motivation to work on our marriage as she would to get in shape.

Funny, Love Busters....pretty much says marriage is a full time job. Same as remaining healthy.
That a healthy marriage needs healthy habit.

HMMMMMM???

maybe I can get this to work.

I do worry, in this season of resolutions...will it be discarded, like so many others.

Time to set up time with wife to talk.

HAHA she'll not like this one bit.