I have a question for all WAW's or former WAW's. My wife informed me last nite that she is mad at me because I havent treated her like she wanted to be treated in the last 11 years. I havent given her the respect and put her above everything and everyone else. She said that we could have had a perfect life and marriage, if I would have done that.

She is mad at me because she went and had an affair and she doesnt know if she can get over that. She is also mad that it took something like this for me to realize that she is a good wife.

My question is? Is this normal for WAW and how should I treat this.

I am not a WW, but a BH. My WW told me the same thing. She is angry with me because it took something like this to wake me up. She hates me for that. I just told he that I too am angry that it took something like this to wake me up and I too hate her for what she has done to our family.

This kind of thing drives me CRAZY!!!!!! Because they had the Affair, and we felt desperate we took blame for everything. Now that the affair is done they are throwing everything they can at our direction to redirect the blame to us, so the guilt is not so bad. Yeah we do play a role in how our marriage is, how ever we are NOT mind readers, we can not fix what we do not know is broken. I am not saying that we are with out fault here, however the WS dealing with there guilt and withdrawl by blameing us is crazy talk. Do not take it. If you must nod so she/he knows you are listening and then let it blow over. WE did not force them to take off their pants, we did not force them to get emotionally attached to someone else. WE may have helped make it seem easier, but they made the choice. WE were hurt 10 times more by what they chose to inflict on us, they messed up their bed, now they need to remake it.

SOrry if this does not make since or if I rambled, I am just tired of WS thinking that what they did was justified somehow, and that they have the right to continue to wipe their feet on the BS to make themselves feel better. I mean really!

dont worry about what she is saying its all babble to justify what she has done. i along with every other bs on this site has heard the exact same thing probably word for word.

just read up on plan a. and dont react to what she is saying in a negative way. you cant win a battle of wits with an unarmed person

Yes KMEJ,

That is exactly what I just did last nite was nod my head that I heard her. This is the reason that I asked this question to WAW so they could explain their thought process. I am not taking blame for the affair, I will take blame for my part in the marriage that I could have done better but not for her affair.

Some times I wish I could hurt her in the same manner that she hurt me so she could see how it feels. But I know that this is not right and I will not stoop that low.

oh sucky your d-day is my birthday. Sorry!!! I guess while I was out haveing a great time, your world was falling. I remember my d-day like it was yesterday- all the way down to the smell of the candle that was in my house. I had to throw out that candle because it caused to many memories.

Well I remember my dday also because i brought home a bouquet of flowers that day for her. She was supposed to go shopping with her girl friend that day. I found it kind of funny that she told me she went eat at a certain resturant that day and she wanted to go eat at that same resturant that nite. Little did i know that she wasnt shopping and did not eat at that resturant. I caught her by listening in to her phone converstation. I told her I knew about the affair on July 6, after I had all my information about the om.

Is the affair over?

Yes the affair is over and we are in the recovery mode. I am pretty much off of my roller coaster ride.

BS here too. What I can tell you is that now well into recovery I have been through what you are going through. My FWW never told me she was angry with me for the A but would get very angry each time it came up. This made me angry! because I thought it meant she just wanted to forget about the whole deal or if not she wanted to blame me which of course in early FOG talk she did.

However, what I have come to find out is that she is embarresed, remoresful, and shamed beyond my comprehension for what she did. I don't have to rub it in her face, knowingly or otherwise because it is a burden she carries everyday. When the A or OM was brought up it brought all of those feelings to the surface and she lashed out. What I had to figure out was how to remember and learn from the experience whithout dwelling on it because I think I will forgive my W long before she forgives herself.

KMEJ... you sound so bitter and this is not a judgement only a statement because trust me I have been there... but I do suggest you go back and read your post... pretty much any of them on this thread and give special attention to your tag line.

Mr. E-
I am sorry if I came across bitter- I guess I am tired of the BS being beat down in thier feelings. Affairs cause so much pain and suffering, and I know that the WS has a hard time with their emotions, I just hate that they try to inflict even more pain to their spouse just to alieveate some of theres.

I have accepted what my H has done, and I do still struggle with it, as the rejection and betrayal is hard for me. My signature line is what I believe, and am trying to achieve. I guess I am having a hard time today more so is that I just found out a co-worker of mine is doing the same thing, and I hate it, I respect her professionally- but personally, I hold no respect for her, as she is planning on divorcing her H and taking her 2 year old daughter away from a good father- opened up old wounds.

Yes Mr. E,

I think my wife is having some of those same feelings also. But she doesnt want to talk to me about the A. Like i said I am pretty much off of my roller coaster. I needed a lot of questions answered in the past but I do not need them answered as bad any more. I guess i have gotten past all that.

I guess the hardest part rt now is I feel like I am kissing her a-- and she is just taking it with nothing in return. No affection to speak of but she wants affection from me. I dont know???

KMEJ

Yes too true.

Yeah had that but in many ways I think its their own anger towards themselves. As our IC/MC said to me, who else can she yell at right now..that helped a bit to put it in context for me.
Still didn't LIKE it though.
We have got over that part now though I still have 'angry' thoughts I try hard to put them in context and not say something hurtful.
I just feel like doing it at times...hey I'm human.
Whats so hard now is my wife getting over her shame and remorse. She seems overwhelmed with it at times and in my mind it can be as much a threat to our M in its own way as the A itself.
Recovery HAS to be a two way thing and everyone says time, time will help heal it.

BS here...not only was it me that drove him to the EA, but how dare I make him end it and ruin the potential wonderful relationship with the OW.
Can you say WTF??? I have never denied my part of the problems in our M and he has yet to take responsibilty for anything. It would be paramount to admitting he isn't perfect.
At this time he gets angry anytime I bring up the OW. He says he still doesn't know what specifically caused him to do what he did... and because of that he can not promise he won't do it again.... Again a bunch of bogus crap.

And if your wife thinks she could ever have a "perfect" marriage and life she is not reality based. Marriage is hard hard hard and so is life.
I told my WH that if he wants the butterflies and pitterpatter the OW gives him I was sorry because after 17 years it is impossible for me to give that to him, it is the nature of the beast. He had never been in a relationship longer than 6 months prior to our marriage (at 27y/o) and doesn't understand that all relationships wane in terms of the "hot child in the city" phase.

And you know what...it is sad that it came to an A to get you guys to look at your marriage, but has she been really sitting you down and saying "I am drifting away from you and if we don't do something soon I may be looking for a divorce?" Why is it that the WS opts for the affair as the wake up call? All the A does is create havoc and a bunch of emotional crap you have to wade through before you can get to the real issues at hand...and sometimes that takes months/years. As Charlie Brown says " ARRGGHHHH!!!"

IC2, it does seem like there is a lot of booty kissing going on, and I know it gets old, but for the time being put on some chap stick and hang in there. Things have a way of working out. My FWW ended up buying me a 2005 Harley just trying to help ease her guilt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Hey, it worked for me.

KMEJ, that was no 2X4 I using... I wanted to reach out cause I feel your pain. Really!

A2, I think you are right on the money with the guilt and shame being a major threat to the M. Mine survived the A but had I not figured a few things out when I did we'd have never made it past that stuff.


Best of luck to you all and always remember IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just an FYI:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by imconfused2:
<strong> I have a question for all WAW's or former WAW's.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A WAW (walk away wife) leaves the marriage & doesn’t return as a “normal” WS (wayward spouse) does/might.
Your wife is/was a WS, not a WAW.

I guess the hardest part rt now is I feel like I am kissing her a-- and she is just taking it with nothing in return.
You should be negotiating (POJA) the problems, not kissing her a$$.

Thanks Chris,

That is exactly what my wife is a WS. She is trying to stay in the marriage and make it work, but she has all the problems that I mentioned before.

Chris,

By the way what is POJA and where can I find the meaning to all of these acronyms?

Thanks

POJA = Policy of Joint Agreement.
Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement from your spouse. You negotiate something until you are both happy with it.

Read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley.
Read the links below.

Acronyms are here Acronyms, Simlies and UBB codes

Ya know, every once in a great while I get to feeling at least somewhat smart and really feel that I'm adding something on here and then... CA123 cuts away all the fluff and gets right to the heart of the matter, that's why he is one of my alltime favorite posters, of course POJA is the answer... but until you get there, and it won't happen overnight, keep that chap stick handy and read all of the basic concepts on the main portion of this site. They are the map for the road to recory.