i have been doing a good plan a now for some time.i think it is time to change my strategy a little. she insists a d is what she wants.

i call at every night to tw my kids and me and her usually talk for 10 or so minutes. i also e-mail her at work a couple times a day and sometimes call her at work to see how her day is going. she knows im wanting to work this out,

i told her last night that i was just going to throw in the towell and i still love her but i am just going to move on with my life.

im not going to call her or e-mail her or have conversation with her when i call the kids, ill be nice polite and chipper.

is this a good move or not.
kind of a modified plan b,

I am not good with the whole advise thing, but is sounds to me like you are doing better. There is only so much plan A a person can take. However can I as what is holding you back from a full plan B? Because sounds to me that a partial plan B is just giving her everything that she could want....

my kids i have to talk to them every night or i would go nuts.
also she hasnt had contact with om in over a month. i just think i need to back off a little, give her space and show her im not dependant on contact with her, which she thinks i am.

with that knowledge, then I think your plan might work.

With her stateing that she can not work things out because you told others, my H said the same thing. THey just do not want to face what they did, my H still does not like going around my family because of it- and still looks for ways to get out of it, blaming them for things and what not.

I hear you about talking to your kids. Is there some way you can get custody of them????????

my d is filed i filed on 12-17 and am going for full custody. the reason i filed is because she moved to a diff county and if we do get a d the judge in this county is pro kids not pro mom.
so my chances at custody are very good.

Wait a minute, dalson.

There is no such thing as a modified Plan B.

Catch me up a little > what are the particulars of the separation? Who lives where? What legal arrangements were made including custody, property, and money?

But more importantly, what have YOU accomplished in your Plan A and what exposure has occured?

wat
i have the house d is filed per above, she has the kids i get them every other weekend and every thursday, as for money she took most

as for what i have gotten out of plan a is control. control of my emotions,anger and my self

i just think it is time to back off a bit and let her not have me there to talk to vent to. give her a taste of how d will be

wat
sorry missed the exposure part, i think i might have over done it.
my family, her family (who blame me) and the om's w, and some friends

Of those current arrangements, what is legally binding?

How old are your kids?

Exposure?

Backing off a little from her can be a good move. A full on Plan B should be seriously considered.

When you filed, what were the grounds? Did you specify that reconciliation was your first preference?

WAT

If you over did, then so did I. In the first 5 hours of this happening, I flipped out. I told his family, my family, her family, my co-workers, elouded to H that I told his- which I had decided not too, but H ran up and told his "side" which is the first that they had heard of it, and told out two closest friends. I had sent the 2 older boys out of town with Nana and Papa, and kept the 3 month old with me- and I was distroyed. Even writing that brings back pain and tears. You did not over do, you did what you felt was right. The thing is even if you only told the family pet the WS would still think you told to many people because it is not something that they are proud of nor do they want people knowing. They want to eat cake and not gain any wieght. Does not work that way.

wat
ireconcilable differences, and it is all in the temp orders. no i didnt specify that reconciliation was a first, i didnt know that was possible.

as for plan b my kids are 2 and 4 and it is so hard being away from them more less not talking to them every day

OK on exposure.

What's the current status of the affair?

99% sure of nc
after exposure

Why are you so confident that you'll get full custody? I understand about the judge variable, but why would any judge give full custody to you if the reason for the divorce is "irreconcialable differences" and the filer - you - don't want to make it work out instead?

Did your attorney advise you to do this? Do you not have "proof" of adultery?

WAT

yes i have proof
she also works out of town 1 week a month.
yes he did advise me to do this.
i am not sure if you can put that in my state i think in tx there has to be no chance for reconciliation for a d to be granted.

Disclaimer: I am not an attorney. Don't wanna be!

If not for the custody play, I would advise you to stop the divorce.

But if you're gonna follow through with it, ya gotta play hardball. Custody is worth it.

Did you not file on grounds of adultery because you believed your wife would be even more resolute and you're hoping for an epiphany from her?

Seems that filing on grounds of adultery and having good proof, but preferring reconciliation would make a better case for getting custody if the judges have that much leeway. Must be something I don't understand.

In any case, have you considered writing her a Plan A letter? This is the same as a Plan B letter, but without the punch line. This would accomplish two things. 1) You make your desires crystal clear and provide her something to refer back to, and 2) You get in writing your argument that you prefer reconciliation that can be entered into the record if the divorce proceeds. Can't hurt you "moral" standing with the judge.

WAT

it isnt ireconcilable diff.
i just looked at my papers it is discord or conflicts of personalities between me and her.

and i told my attorney that i would reconcile at all costs.
he also knows of the a, he is also one of the best custody lawyers in the area.

i just wish she would wake up.

epipha would be great but so would winning the lottery.
what do i say in a plan a letter. and wouldnt it look like i was not sticking to my prev word

Well, if the affair is over - 99% chance of NC per your estimate - Plan A/B don't apply to you per se.

But a Plan A-type letter can't hurt. See the Plan B letter in SAA and modify it to be only the love letter part, removing any references to a continuing affair and going "dark" until she ends the affair.

Here's the essence of the one I used. Of course, it didn't work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , but maybe you can break the streak:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear <Wife>,

We don't get many chances to talk, so I'll write this instead.

As I've said before, I still love you and want a chance to repair our relationship. This is despite knowing your affair with <OM> is continuing. I am painfully aware that I was not meeting your needs as a husband and I apologize for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with <OM> possible.

I have grown tremendously from this experience and I ask you to open your mind and see the changes for yourself. <Son> and I are closer than ever and I acknowledge that I did not always show him the respect he deserved. He has told me he loves me more than ever before. I have looked at myself from your perspective and have recognized that my emotional outbursts of the past were judgmental, insensitive, and counterproductive. I have a new appreciation for your need to be able to freely express yourself without hesitation. You can feel safe voicing your anger and concerns. Whatever happens to us, these changes are permanent in me and I am a better person because of them. I am soon starting with a therapist to explore other aspects I can work on. I feel much better about myself as a person and as an individual, I am strong and well along in my recovery. My life goes on.

During this experience my efforts have been on changing me, not on blaming anyone else expecting them to change. I am the only person I can change. I know I have other improvements to make - and you can help me. Similarly, I can be the best person to help you make changes - if you allow me in. In short, I will avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and we can create a new life for the three of us that will meet all of our needs. It won't happen overnight and it'll take a lot of work, but we owe it to <son> to try hard to make it work. Choosing not to try is the blind way out and it leaves the same problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones.

<Son> and I are the two men who together can help you become happy for the rest of your life. We are a permanent reality, here for the long haul, and we have a lot of good memories for the foundation of a family. Similarly, you can make the two of us very, very happy. We want you and need you. I will support any need you have in a non-judgmental way when or if you decide to end your affair. You can come to me in safety, knowing I will embrace you. Even if you're not sure, I will understand and provide empathy.

Whenever you are ready to talk, I'll be ready to listen. I loved you when I married you and I love you to this day. I am willing to do whatever it takes to put our family back together. I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage so that we meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new relationship in which everything we do makes all three of us happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate.

I am here for you and I love you,

<Me>
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

that is good, ill work on one. i may plagerize some of your work.
so did you get any response at all? or did she yeah whatever.