For months now all I could focus on was the OW. I allowed it to consume me. My husband is still in contact with her and I can't seem to focus on anything else.

I am sure the nagging and such pushes him away more. When I force myself not to say anything and not to LB things are great between us. But as soon as I mention the A or OW then he gets distant again. Then we argue.

I have lots of things I wrote down to accomplish this coming year that will keep me busy. But I would like to find out what you did to keep your brain focused without LBing all the time about OW...

Things seem to change daily with him. One minute he hints about possibly trying. Other days he seems adamant about separating. Clearly he is torn but he feels he is not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SadMarylandLady:
<strong> For months now all I could focus on was the OW. I allowed it to consume me. My husband is still in contact with her and I can't seem to focus on anything else.

I am sure the nagging and such pushes him away more. When I force myself not to say anything and not to LB things are great between us. But as soon as I mention the A or OW then he gets distant again. Then we argue.

I have lots of things I wrote down to accomplish this coming year that will keep me busy. But I would like to find out what you did to keep your brain focused without LBing all the time about OW...

Things seem to change daily with him. One minute he hints about possibly trying. Other days he seems adamant about separating. Clearly he is torn but he feels he is not. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe Plan B would help you here. Not sure though if you are ready for that.

SML....I've been following your story and my heart breaks for you after reading each post. It is so difficult not to obsess and at times, two years post dday, I still wonder, what the hell does he see in this cretin? Unfortunately, the only option is to remove both your husband and the OW from the equation, and start focussing on yourself; hence, Plan B. You cannot force someone into Plan B, as it takes a great deal of strength (trust me, I failed miserably like at least 6 times..lol), but when I finally had enough, I was able to disassociate myself and move right on along in my life and that of my children. Filling our life up with "our" needs, wants, activities, etc., we, especially me, have little time to worry about the OW or WS. We've nicknamed him Wiggles as he tries every so often to wiggle his way in when he is sad and reflective. I even permitted him to wiggle in a bit at Xmas, but no sooner was it over, that I put up the barriers again and started to Plan B. I'm trying to work out a financial plan with my attorney so I can, in March, finally serve him and not require his signature for finalization.

Good Luck!!!

SML,
Nt to be rude or anything, but I really don't see what this GIRL wants with your husband!! She has her whole life in front of her and she wants to get mixed up with a guy with three small children??? I really don't get it. She should be out with friends having a great time, not comsumed with a married man with a family. Is she mentally ok?

TNBelle...it's funny, but I think the OW/OM think themselves the Guardian Angel saving their "man" or "woman" from the evil clutches of marriage to the wicked wife/husband. The funny thing is, that is all they want out of their relationship. I never thought I could say this, but let them have each other and wish them well. The fun is watching the drama unfold when the Guardian Angel soon replaces the wicked wife/husband when reality begins to set in. Popcorn, dots, and milk duds are a must...

Add dental floss to the list if we're going to be eating Dots!

I was so ticked off at OW that even 2 yrs later after their A ended I was still consumed with anger. My counselor said if I didn't work on processing THRU that anger I would end up living by myself in an apt with cats !!! Since I don't like cats that idea was not appealing. However I think intense anger that lasts IS normal- a friend of mine said if she was in my situation she would have finished off OW and ended up in the state prison for women! I am now 3 yrs past the A and although I still feel strong anger from time to time I have had an ongoing breast cancer scare this year and my cholestorol levels are way too high from eating too many comfort foods. So now I am trying to not focus on my anger to improve my health. Anger at OW is not worth ruining my health and sleep over. Take care- lifeismessy

I would end up living by myself in an apt with cats !!! Since I don't like cats that idea was not appealing.

ha ha lifeismessy..gotta love those smart counselors... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

sadmaryland...you can not discount your role in feeding in to these thoughts and normal revenge fantasys...and scenarios of her that play in your mind...

they will happen and trigger.....and your brain will pop the thought right in front of you...that's when YOU actively push the thought away...
immediately....

you reprogram your brain ...
Scarlett OHara was the queen of teaching us this....

"I will think of this tomorrow"..she said numerous times ...

and part of it is true..

the other thing you have to realize that attacking her and villianizing her to your husband automatically backs him in to a corner of defending her...because he is really defending himself...

her immaturity
her irrationalness
all of her traits is a direct reflection of his poor choice.....

and when YOU point these things out...
he will have to defend himself...

let him found out all that is true about the OP on his own..

let him decide...for himself....

not another peep about her to him...

but you can certainly verbalize your disdain of the insidious global characteristics of the affair....

I am a little lost though
are you in a plan......

ARK

Is your H still in contact with the OW? If so, it is understandable that you continue to be obsessed with her. She is a part of your lives. ARK is right. WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?

My FWH and I are in RECOVERY. I went through a recent bout of OW obsession. I found it helpful to really focus in on activities which I enjoy. This is what I was able to do during PLAN B. Now I also can focus in on spending enjoyable time with my FWH. This will be hard for you to do with him if he remains IN THE FOG and IN CONTACT WITH THE OW.

Tell yourself that this is not about her. This is about the R between you and your WH. Work on that R! She does not really matter. He is most probably only USING HER to meet certain ENs. Focus on meeting your H's ENs. That's all you can do. However, meeting those needs is essential and crucial.

TNBelle... A 21 year old OW wants him for herself regardless of the fact that he has little kids. The OW that age is still basically in adolescence and is narcissistic and self-focused.

SADLADY.. "She's just a young girl with stars in her eyes" (TEENA MARIE SONG). There is no way that she can comprehend what is necessary to be a successful, loving wife. YOU ARE A WINNER IN THIS IF YOU DON'T GIVE UP!!!!

YEAH, what ARK said!

Actually, in my case the first thing I had to do was hit bottom. Then after listening to the Doors song, "I've been down so long that it looks like up to me" multiple times I told WW the following. What you are doing is killing me, literally, and I will not allow that to happen. Each time my anger surfaces I say something dumb and that is driving you farther away which in turn drives the sword a little deeper into me, so from this day forward know that I will not respond in that manner not because I do not care or because I am not hurt but out of self preservation. If the anger becomes to much for me to bear, rather than verbalize it to you I may have to leave the house from time to time to cool off.

I don't know that it would work for anyone else but it worked for me. I'm pretty sure the key to the whole deal was the rock bottom part. At some point I think your self preservation has to kick in.

Always remember that IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE