Hi.

Did my Plan B letter yesterday.

I found out about A in the summer. Gave him ultimatum me or OW. Kept changing his mind. Finally choose OW because I "made him choose". I guess I was LB at that time, but had not found this site. Once he chose OW (20 years younger than him), I accepted things and started to move forward toward new life. Plan A all this time until now. Meanwhile, House for sale, own checking, credit cards etc. Still being his best friend. Told me about their conversations. Told her she had to get along with me because I am and always will be his best friend. I was crushed, but I love the man and don't want to loose memories of almost 20 years. Did not want to end things badly. Wanted him to remember all of the good.

Anyway..... she ended things (to go back to her husband, wants kids and WH does not etc.). He told me it was a mutual decision, she said no, it was her choice. So now I know he wanted to stay with me because OW ended things, not because it was mutual. I try to keep on Plan A, because I want to save us. No contact for 1 month, then she calls on XMas Eve just to say Merry Merry. He hides to talk to her. Trys to comfort me and say it was nothing after their talk. I am totally distraught again.

Now check his cell and they are talking again. He erased call history, but I could see a 45 min call on his timer for last call. He is acting totally different again. Had started to get through withdrawl, totally back to square 1.

I talk to marriage coach, what to do? Was planning to Plan A for a while longer, but went to Plan B. Yesterday at noon had talk, anger on his part (why was I checking his cell phone), sadness etc. I asked for a promise of no contact and he would not respond, finally said NO, I CAN NOT PROMISE THAT. I told him I would be home after work to take care of pets, but would not be home when he got home from work. I would stay somewhere else. I did not give him ultimatum, said it is your decision to not promise no contact, but I have to remove myself from the situation as it is too painful for me.

Left the Plan B letter. After work did a few things at home and went to stay at brothers. So odd not to be home.

Can not imagine NY Eve without him. We have ALWAYS been together for it (19 years) and have only been apart a handful of weekends in our entire 20 years.

I am fine for a while, and then sitting here (at work) then totally freak out thinking about not being with him. I can not ingaine my life without him, and I don't want to.

I know (with help of marriage coach) this is the correct thing to do. But it is SO scary. I don't know if I can stay strong.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LibbyAnn:
<strong> Hi.

Did my Plan B letter yesterday.

I found out about A in the summer. Gave him ultimatum me or OW. Kept changing his mind. Finally choose OW because I "made him choose". I guess I was LB at that time, but had not found this site. Once he chose OW (20 years younger than him), I accepted things and started to move forward toward new life. Plan A all this time until now. Meanwhile, House for sale, own checking, credit cards etc. Still being his best friend. Told me about their conversations. Told her she had to get along with me because I am and always will be his best friend. I was crushed, but I love the man and don't want to loose memories of almost 20 years. Did not want to end things badly. Wanted him to remember all of the good.

Anyway..... she ended things (to go back to her husband, wants kids and WH does not etc.). He told me it was a mutual decision, she said no, it was her choice. So now I know he wanted to stay with me because OW ended things, not because it was mutual. I try to keep on Plan A, because I want to save us. No contact for 1 month, then she calls on XMas Eve just to say Merry Merry. He hides to talk to her. Trys to comfort me and say it was nothing after their talk. I am totally distraught again.

Now check his cell and they are talking again. He erased call history, but I could see a 45 min call on his timer for last call. He is acting totally different again. Had started to get through withdrawl, totally back to square 1.

I talk to marriage coach, what to do? Was planning to Plan A for a while longer, but went to Plan B. Yesterday at noon had talk, anger on his part (why was I checking his cell phone), sadness etc. I asked for a promise of no contact and he would not respond, finally said NO, I CAN NOT PROMISE THAT. I told him I would be home after work to take care of pets, but would not be home when he got home from work. I would stay somewhere else. I did not give him ultimatum, said it is your decision to not promise no contact, but I have to remove myself from the situation as it is too painful for me.

Left the Plan B letter. After work did a few things at home and went to stay at brothers. So odd not to be home.

Can not imagine NY Eve without him. We have ALWAYS been together for it (19 years) and have only been apart a handful of weekends in our entire 20 years.

I am fine for a while, and then sitting here (at work) then totally freak out thinking about not being with him. I can not ingaine my life without him, and I don't want to.

I know (with help of marriage coach) this is the correct thing to do. But it is SO scary. I don't know if I can stay strong..... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the RIGHT thing to do. It is hard I know, but you have to see it through. IMO this Plan B may be the only thing you can do to save your marriage. It may lead to divorce, but you know this already I hope. Being his best friend while he has an OW is not being a friend at all. YOu were enabling him and the affair.

Ofcourse he is mad and pissed you checked his phone....read this web site and it's stories, the script to all of this is all here. Your husbands actions are predictable. Sadly, if you break the Plan B too soon before a true ACTION COMMITMENT has been made, then you can also see what will happen. God, I wish you luck in all of this. Have you exposed the affair. DO you have children.

LM

LibbyAnn, you have some control over your life now.

My advice to you... be absolutely strict with your plan. Go to any reasonable effort to avoid him completely.

You will start to feel better. My plan B (10 weeks now) has not been a picnic, but my circumstances are different from yours. Whereas my W seems okay with me having nothing to do with her, I believe your H is definitely going to miss you and have a difficult time with it.

Good luck. Try hard as you can not to break your plan, and if you do break it, go right back into it.

GC

Once you get the hang of Plan B, it is very pleasant - no more obsessing about what THEY are doing. Just be sure to keep very busy, and do some things that will help raise your self-esteem, which is probably in the toilet.

It'll get easier. After a few days I hadn't felt so free since I stopped wearing underwear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

When you feel the urge to break radio silence, talk to this forum instead. We'll make a LOT more sense.

BE SURE to expose the continuation of the affair to OW's husband!!!

This should have been done before you began plan B ... but, This exposure needs to be done NOW if you neglected to do it before.

Stay strong.

Pep

Libby Ann,

Here's the great thing about Plan B:

You get to emerge from this awful mess that's been created around you.

I think it's great that you were able to identify how non-productive the cycle you were in was.......and you removed yourself from it.

Good.

And what you'll find, is that there IS a whole big life and world out there for you to enjoy....and you'll have all this crap away from you to be able to see it.

Stay strong, and don't allow yourself to be sucked back into the middle of it all again.

And you'll see that world around you. I know what you mean about never spending a second apart from your love. I spent 7 years with my WW in the same way.

But I can honestly (and easily) say that I feel absolutely free (ok...96.45% free!) from the chaos now.

You'll think about him..... that's ok. But stay strong. Not for him, not for your M, but for you.

Good luck.

Ethan

Lemonman, Graycould, Believer, Worthatry, Pepperband and the Furnitureman,

Thank you all for your responses (I am posting on SYMC too). I am sorry I could not post sooner. I only have access to the Internet at work, so the weekend is going to be REALLY tough!

The reason I left home instead of him leaving is because WH will not leave (we are not actually married but have lived together for 19 years in May and went out for a year prior to that). He is a very stubborn person and I know that he would just refuse (he has some anger management problems).

When he was leaving me for OW previously she told her husband she wanted a D. He promptly changed the locks and told her to find another place to live (he did not know about the A then). She called the police and they said as long as her name is on the house as well she can go and do whatever she wants and will not be in trouble with them (i.e. break a window to get in etc.). WH knows this because she told him and he told me, so I KNOW he would do that (break in to our home etc.).

We live in our dream home we built 11 years ago in May - 15 acres, golf green, creek and woods. It is amazing. I worked two FT jobs for years so that we could afford to build it. He worked hard for it and on it too. We did tons of the work ourselves, lots of tiling, plumbing, electric etc. We are only 6 years from having it paid off. WH is 44 and I am 38. OW is 24. She has a child and her H has a child they are raising.

Got home last night to take care of the dogs (3 dogs, no kids) and looked at caller ID. OW had called our home 5 times yesterday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I went to our bedroom and the sheets are changed, WH has never changed the sheets. The bed had obviously been "used". <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Looks like he really felt bad after I told him Plan B. Less than 24 hours later OW is in my bed. I just get sick thinking about it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thank goodness for Starfish, as I called her in a panic and she spent a good portion of her evening helping me (again). She said I should not stay and confront WH about what I had found. I decided she was right. It would just be a big mess. I packed up some more stuff and left a note on the bed.... Thank you for changing the sheets (note was left next to the stains). Please make other arrangements for the dogs, as I cannot return here, as it is too painful for me. Then a little about what bills I would plan to pay so we do not need to contact each other about that.

I contacted OW Husband and told him they are in contact again (I didn't tell him about the sheets... protecting him and WH I guess??? I know I should have). He did not say a lot, but did thank me for telling him. I apologized for not telling him about the A when I found out. I know now that I should have, but at the time I was hoping they would come to their senses and wake up.

I know OW H will be talking to her about the renewed contact, as he was still under the impression she was working on their M. As soon as he does that I am sure she will talk to WH. I am expecting my cell phone to get some yelling at today. Don't worry, I won't be answering it. Maybe he won't call though... he was very upset I was leaving (Why are you doing this to me if you love me???, threw things around, screamed, said I was trying to kill him). He is also very prideful, so maybe he will not call me. I gave him M Coach phone for contact, but I know he will not call her. He said all the books I have been reading to try to fix us are stupid. He does not believe in counseling. He said it would just take time.

When he was leaving me for OW I felt some relief. Not that he was leaving, but that I did not have to check cell phones and caller ID history etc. and be worried all the time. Once she left him and he wanted to try again (by that I mean change nothing, but not sell our home) I had the stress return, of the trying to get back the trust.

I kept on Plan A. He said it would take time; he could not just shut off his feelings for her, but that he loved me. I do believe that. I think he loves me because of our 20 years together, but I think he is "in love" with her.

Anyway, the point of going to Plan B for me is: Hopefully I will be able to get back to how I was when I knew he was leaving me. Moving forward. Planning a future. Not checking caller ID etc. (even though we were living together still because of finances) and being nauseous and stressed ALL the time. Maybe I will be able to sleep again.... If I am not there to worry about everything.... at least I hope so.... or maybe I will just sit at my brothers worrying about everything.

I am sick to think OW will be in MY home celebrating NY with my hubby. Maybe since I told her H there will be some change???? As soon as her H found out about the A previously is when she told WH that she was going to work on her M. Maybe now that her H knows they are in contact again she will be pressured to make a decision. I don't know.

Things had really seemed to be improving... until the XMas Eve call from OW. Now back to how it was before.

When he wanted to stay together and not sell our home I asked him if he was playing me. He said no. I asked how I could be sure that this would never happen again, he said because he would kill himself before he would let it happen again. Hum, one phone call from her and all of this has changed.

He is in major MLC too. Dying hair, working out way more, new truck, tanning bed etc. So I guess it is a double whammy to his system. He is in the attraction phase of love with another woman and having a MLC at the same time.

So, I am worried by going to Plan B, I pushed them together. Now back to calling each other ALL day.... and being together physically too. He had not seen her for 40 days prior. Sadly he told me that when I told him Plan B... that he new exactly how long it had been. Can you stick a knife in my heart???

So, trying to stay strong. Slept for about 3.5 hours last night so I sure I am scaring people here at work. Yikes!

I like the idea of arresting the offending parties. I think that I should be able to stay in my own home, but if I want to go very very dark I cannot. He would NOT go elsewhere.

We had a full price offer on our home we were going to take (bad market here too!). Then OW dumps him, I take him back thinking Plan A and things will work out. Now all this. I keep wondering if those people who made the offer would still want to buy house. I can't imagine paying mtg. for him to live there with someone else being there half the time in the home I worked my butt off to be able to have. I make double what he does and he could not afford to stay there alone. She makes nothing and is shopaholic.

What should I do??? I want to keep Plan B'ing, but in a way I want to call and sell, as I am afraid they will stay together and then we will have to go through the ordeal of listing home again, and if I don't live there it will be a mess when shown.

We will never get an offer like the one we got.... But I think if I say we should sell it if they still want to buy, that I would be sabotaging our chances of working this out. It is both of our dream home. We both worked really hard for it and on it. We could never afford to buy a home like this now... it is just from years of doing the work ourselves etc.that we have it.

How can he be SO SO SO stupid to throw it ALL away??? I know it is partly my fault too; I am en enabler and partially co-dependent. I just wanted him to be happy. During all this I even helped OW with her D papers. I thought there is nothing I can do to keep them apart, so I will do what I can to get along. I don't want to loose the memories of all those happy years we had together by having an ugly end.

Anyway, I know this is long and rambling - but thank you for listening.

LibbyAnn

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LibbyAnn:
<strong>So, I am worried by going to Plan B, I pushed them together.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's part of the logic. A BIG part. Do not dread this. It's all about seeing the "greener" grass.

Dying his hair? Tanning bed?

Sheeese! Totally self absorbed. Think of OW this way > she's just another vanity item. She's his useful idiot.

OK, a few things.

Please think of Plan B as you seizing control of your situation. You can see it in his reactions. He has lost control of you. I bet he has even accused you of being "controlling." Am I right? If he hasn't, he will. This is actually his sense of loss of control over you.

In effect, you have made a loud statement that he decided to force you two apart, now you have decided to keep you apart - until he gets his head outta his butt. Now, you're calling the shots. Get it?

About your home. Who's paying the mortgage? Even though you're not married, my guess is that you could secure some legal arrangement that he is responsible for the full mortgage (assuming you're both on the mortgage and the deed). Maybe I'm wrong. Have you consulted a lawyer? If you have to sell you'll need a lawyer to sort this out. Get your own, don't share one with him. But hopefully it won't come to that.

Other than the house, have you re-established separate finances?

This brings up another important aspect of Plan B > it provides the necessary opportunity for the WS to fully feel the consequences of their decisions. Perhaps you should leave taking care of the dogs entirely to him. He wants to stay in the house, do not deny him of fully "appreciating" the results of this choice.

The likely outcome is that this will all fizzle in time. Hopefull OW's H plays his part correctly. What have you communicated to him about getting help here? Does he know about the value of exposure. Have YOU exposed enough?

WAT

posted December 30, 2004 09:12 AM
WAT,

That's part of the logic. A BIG part. Do not dread this. It's all about seeing the "greener" grass.

I know.... but it is so tough to just wait it out. Maybe it will get easier as time goes on.
__________________________________

Dying his hair? Tanning bed?

Sheeese! Totally self absorbed. Think of OW this way > she's just another vanity item. She's his useful idiot.

And she really is (idiot. She and her H did stuff with us and I saw that every time. I can't believe her level of intelligence. Not trying to be mean, but we watch Discovery, A & E, History channels as a mainstay. She said the only thing she will watch is reality tv and soap operas... not that there is anything wrong with it, but it is TOTALLY incompatible with WH. Her H said he could not pay all the bills a few months because of her clothes shopping and overspending. Again incompatible. But I guess none of that matters since she has a pretty face.....
_________________________________

OK, a few things.

Please think of Plan B as you seizing control of your situation. You can see it in his reactions. He has lost control of you. I bet he has even accused you of being "controlling." Am I right? If he hasn't, he will. This is actually his sense of loss of control over you.

Yes, he says I am trying to "make" him do things. I said no, you can make whatever decisions you want, but I will have to base my reactions to them on what I need to feel peace. You do not have to say you will stay out of contact with OW, but if you can not say that, my decision is to remove myself from this painful situation.
_____________________________

In effect, you have made a loud statement that he decided to force you two apart, now you have decided to keep you apart - until he gets his head outta his butt. Now, you're calling the shots. Get it?

Yes. Hopefully I will start to feel good about it.
______________________________

About your home. Who's paying the mortgage? Even though you're not married, my guess is that you could secure some legal arrangement that he is responsible for the full mortgage (assuming you're both on the mortgage and the deed). Maybe I'm wrong. Have you consulted a lawyer? If you have to sell you'll need a lawyer to sort this out. Get your own, don't share one with him. But hopefully it won't come to that.

As we were going to be "back together" we were going to use all of "our" money as "our" money. Now that he has decided he needs to be with OW again (as of two days ago), I told him (via note) to pay other bills and I will pay mtg. The house is in both of our names. I don't want a problem with house payment being paid - and he can not afford all the bills. I make 2x him. I have not talked to a lawyer, but am getting this advice so will look in to that today even though we are not legally married.
__________________________________

Other than the house, have you re-established separate finances?

I started to do this when he was was leaving me for OW. I started my own checking account for my direct deposit from work, got my own credit card (that his tanning bed is on!), started to cancel our joint accounts and opened him his own accounts. I still have my own CC and checking, but we still have many joint accounts. Only a portion of this was completed when OW left him and he wanted us to "try", so none fo it was completed.
______________________________________

This brings up another important aspect of Plan B > it provides the necessary opportunity for the WS to fully feel the consequences of their decisions. Perhaps you should leave taking care of the dogs entirely to him. He wants to stay in the house, do not deny him of fully "appreciating" the results of this choice.

When I started Plan B and came home 24 hours later to all of the OW phone calls on caller ID I did just that. I told him (via note) that I will not be returning home as it is too painful and he will need to make other arrangements for the pets. He will get to do housekeeping too, hah! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He cooks, but that is it... I do all else. Dogs are all getting low on food, which we purchase in another town. Was going to get it today as I am going there for an appt., guess I shouldent huh? It just seems so silly not to as I will be there....
_______________________________

The likely outcome is that this will all fizzle in time. Hopefull OW's H plays his part correctly. What have you communicated to him about getting help here? Does he know about the value of exposure. Have YOU exposed enough?

I told him that I was talking to people here and a M Coach and that he needed to know. That I want to save my relationship and I know that he does too. I guess I should have told him about the sheets I found last night... that looks like WH and OW slept together sometime in the last 24 hours in my home. I just told him about the renewed contact and all the calls. I told him to call me if he needs me for anything.

WH sisters know now too due to wine and an inquisitive BroInLaw at XMas wondering why I was sad. None of his family new anything about it all this time. I told them not to say they know anything... maybe I should tell them to do what they want. I did not want WH mad at me for telling them, but now what do I have to loose really? What do you think?
_____________________________

Thanks so much for your time and thoughts....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LibbyAnn:
<strong>I told them not to say they know anything... maybe I should tell them to do what they want. I did not want WH mad at me for telling them, but now what do I have to loose really?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Conventional wisdom is to let the exposure cards fall where they may. He WILL be mad about any exposure. (This is straight from the WS script.)
How often are you in contact with them? If frequent, let it come up again in conversation and if they are supportive, you could state that you have learned that exposure is a counterintuitive benefit to ending an affair and you resind you prior request to keep it mum - "let your conscience be your guide."

Do inform OW's H of the PA evidence.

Poor dogs. If these were children, the approach would be obvious. I suggest you not help with them until - in your judgement - you want to check up on them and have a look when you know your H is not around. Maybe lead the dogs to have a nap on the "clean" sheets? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Having access to the home can be a tactical advantage or a curse. You can get good evidence for exposure at the cost of more pain. Tread lightly here.

WAT

WAT,

His sister has been emailing me and I told her the M Coach said that she should/could talk to WH if she wants to, and that I should not tell her not to do it. I asked what she thought about it. She knows what a temper WH has and I think she will decide that she does not want to as he will just cut ties with her for "butting in". I have not heard back from her yet.

Now I dont know if I should call OW H again to tell him. He seemed so crushed by just hearing about the calls. I know, he needs the full picture. Now I have to find out when he is at home, she is not, or when he is at his work. Dang, I should have just done it last night.

I know, my poor puppies. (Not puppies actually, all big dogs with the smallest being 65 lbs and the largest 165 lbs... the real baby!). When I left my notes on the bed last night the big baby was all snuggled up in the bad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I will go check on them sometime next week when WH is at work... plus I need to get a few things I did not pack (medication etc.). I will try not to look for evidence of the A, because of the pain it will cause... but I know I will.. who am I kidding?

I would really like to be there (in house)... just because I want to be in my own home, not to be a burdeon on my familiy, and just to know that SHE is not there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ... but if he won't leave, I can't go because then Plan B would be out the window. I just don't know how long I will be able to hold out thinking they are there together.... Hopefully her H will put a stop to things.

How long do I do this before I decide it is not going to work and I am not going to keep paying for a house I am not living in? Any suggestions? Last night I seriously wanted to stay and have it out with him and sell immediately. How can he do that to someone he keeps claiming to love???? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thanks again.... I hope I can find internet access over the weekend, everyone here is SO helpful. My sincere thanks.

-LibbyAnn

Forum activity slows over weekends - especially holiday weekends. Don't break your neck getting on the net only to find few here - I won't be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LibbyAnn:
<strong>How long do I do this before I decide it is not going to work and I am not going to keep paying for a house I am not living in?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Two questions here.

I think the one about paying for the house can't be answered until you get some legal advice. You shouldn't be paying for it right now. But your credit is at risk here, so you need to be smart about what you do. I think you understand the implications. The obvious answer is to sell the property or have him buy you out. But this obviously doesn't further restoring the relationship.

Which leads to the second question > how long before you decide the relationship isn't worth it? You'll know. I suggest you decide for yourself what you may need - from a conscience frame of reference - to allow you to have no regrets about moving on. In other words, what level of effort to preserve the relationship on your part will be needed before you can say in 10 years from now that you did your best? - so you won't be haunted by perpetually asking yourself "what if I had done..." this or that or waited a little longer?

The odds are very, very, very likely that in time he will regret what he's doing. Will this take longer than you need to move on without regrets - even when he seeks you out to tell you?

A tough decision.

You might find some answers in documentation regarding male MLCs. This certainly sounds like one.

WAT

WAT,

I am leaving for the day in a little bit. WH has called my cell phone twice BEGGING me to call him - saying we need to talk. PLEASE call me. I can't go to work like this. I didnt know you were serious about leaving home... Please call....

What do I do?

What if he wants to talk about selling the house? If he wants to sell, then I want to now before that offer is gone, unless it already is.

Or did OW H find out so she dumped WH again>>>

What do I do??? I really want to find out.

Should I call and if about house discuss, if not about house say call only when no contact for X amount of time.

HELP>>>>> I am just shaking....

LibbyAnn,

Sorry to see it going this way. I agree with Gray Cloud that your husband will miss you and Plan B will be very effective in your case. But I'm going to emphasize finances once again. In this state, your husband could wipe you out.

If your money is going into joint accounts by direct deposit, wait until the direct deposit is redirected to your own account. Then, in one fell swoop, on one day, move half of the funds from all remaining joint accounts into your own. Document this... keep copies of the last statement from each joint account and the withdrawal slips showing you took exactly half.

Talk to a lawyer as soon as possible about the house situation. That is tricky. You might also ask if you are required to help your common-law husband financially because of the length of time you have been together.

Finally, do NOT believe for one minute that you can trust your husband to do the right thing. He will be angry and claim you "cleaned him out" in vengeance. This, of course, is absolutely untrue. You are only taking half of the accounts when it could be legally argued that you put more in there to begin with. You will be being generous.

You have to protect yourself and your finances from him. If he and OW get together, in the house you helped build, they will both feel a sense of entitlement and expect you to pay to keep them happy. You are not obligated to any such thing. He may very well take his half of everything and blow it on this babe (ask believer about this, trust me, it DOES happen) and then expect you to give him more. Don't do it.

He will fall on his face and he will have nobody but himself to blame. Like a child learning to walk, you have to let him go "boom" sometimes so they can find their strength and equilibrium.

A prediction? When you cut off the money and he's forced to fend on his own on what he makes, honey babe will find him much less attractive. (Ask believer about this, too.)

And don't worry about the dogs. They'll be fine, even if they miss a meal now and then. They are his responsibility now, just like the cooking and the cleaning, and paying the bills you've left him. If you divorce he will have to do these things. Give him a taste of what it will truly be like. Give him a taste of her spending on clothing and junk the little money he has to live on. Before long he'll be drawing comparisons between the two of you, and she'll be coming out on the short end. But he's proud and won't want to admit he was suckered. Shouldn't take but a few months to break this thing to pieces.

By then, you will have settled into a quient, comfortable existence that doesn't include his mid-life chaos. Hopefully he'll still have a chance at winning you back.

Be strong. You can do this!

~ Snow

LA,
Can I just jump in here and commend you for your courage ! You have such a clear expectation of what is acceptable and what isn't.

I'm with GC...I think if you stick with this...it could be the best thing you've ever done.

Please reach out whenever you feel yourself waivering....you can be a real role model for some BS here.

Hang in there.

Get in touch with your coach and share my advice:

I don't know what your Plan B letter said. If it was typical, you stated the conditions for further communications: end the affair and establish no contact with OW.

But let him sweat - for a while. You're busy.

If you choose to answer his pleas, the ONLY thing you should communicate is whether he's ready to meet the Plan B conditions or not. If yes, ask him to write a no contact letter to OW and you're not gonna see him until he has this.

See what I said before about being in control? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Again let him stew. Turn off your phone. Usually these early attempts by WSs feeling Plan B are merely tests of the BS. If you too easily break radio silence he'll know you're not serious.

WAT

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 11:42 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

LibbyAnn,

DO NOT CALL HIM. Go out for the day. Turn your cell phone off. Do not listen to his messages. He has nothing to tell you right now that can make any difference. He is still in love with her and he still wants you. Nothing has changed.

YOU make the call to the realtor and see if the deal is still good with the couple who wanted the house. You don't need his help to do that.

Be strong! I know this is hard, but he has to realize the strength of your convictions -- ans so do you. If you cave now, nothing will change.

~ Snow

ed: Excellent addition by WAT. What did your Plan B letter say. Stick to your conditions. Then give him time to PROVE himself before you reverse anything you've done. And, please, separate the finances. You don't know this man. By separating finances you will not only show him you are serious about him ending his affair, but you will be protecting both yours and his financial future should you work out your relationship. Do it for both of you!

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Snow,

Thanks for the response. It is just SO hard not to call him back. He sounded SO sad. I know, he made me A LOT sadder than that and only feels (or pretends to feel) remorse now that I am moved out.

Financially I already have my $ going in to my own account. He does not have access to it. The $ in our joint accounts is not very much as I had changed my direct deposit some time ago. The money in there is negligable other than his cashed out retirement $ to which I have no claim. So, that part is good.

How long do I have to not talk to him????

It is WAY hard.

Leaving for out of town now..... post again Monday. Hopefully I will have nothing too dramatic to tell, somehow I do not think that will be the case.... think he will try to track me down.

Thanks again for your concern.

Libby Ann,

Then do as WAT suggests, keep in contact with your coach this weekend. If he is willing to meet your requirements (like No Contact) he would say so in his phone messages. If he hasn't said that, there is no reason to call him.

If you bend now, just because he is hurt, he has you in his pocket. Do you want him back if nothing has changed?

You do not communicate directly to him until your requirements are met. Have an intermediary call him to reiterate what you need to stay in the relationship.

Try to have a good weekend.

~ Snow