wife has had 3 reminders of FOW in the past week. One was an old envelope that she found in my car, one was a comment youngest son made about FOWs daughter, then this morning she saw FOW in a parking lot.

She is now saying she is better off without me. I am not to call her. If I do she will file a restraining order.

Think its time to give up?

John, I don't think you really need to give up yet. But do take your cue from your wife and back off from her a little. Are you two in MC? Is she in IC?

I back off she pulls me closer. We get closer something happens and hse tells me to take a flying F>>>.

Guess what makes this one so bad is we were doing so well, and its over things ( except the envelope ) that I had no control over. Well as she said, I did have control over them. I didnt have to have the affair.

I do truly regret the affair, more then she will ever know. I wish I could go back in time and change things, but I cant.

John, this is part of the bumpy ride of recovery. Is she letting you meet her EN's? Don't throw in the towel yet. I think she may be testing you some to see how serious you are. ARe you an open book to her? Does she have full access to all areas of your life?

FF

She is letting me meet a few of her needs. An open book doesnt even come close.

She has told me she has people watching me, including the boys. She knows that I have maintained NC with OW except for a couple fire scenes. She has free access to my email, cell phone, pager, home phone, you name it. Even my checking account. ( And she could lose her job over that one, but I dont have a problem with it. )

John,

I remember well when I'd have a trigger reaction followed by the statement, "I want you out of my life."

What I really was saying was that I was tired of the pain that never seemed to end. I was sick of thinking about the betrayal and felt helpless to stop thinking about it. I thought that maybe, if I got rid of the source (my FWH) then the pain would stop.

But it wouldn't have. I know that now. Intuitively I knew that then, but I didn't want to believe it. Being able to walk away any time I wanted helped me feel in control. I needed that.

At those moments when I told my FWH, "we need to end this," he would wisely tell me that he understood my need to feel done with the pain. He'd apologize, again, for the pain he'd caused me. And he would reiterate, again, how much hope he had for us. We sang and danced this number I can't tell you how many times, but every time he apologized and said he loved me and wanted it to work, the more I would relax. I'd come around. We'd draw close, until the next trigger. Then we'd go through it again.

We never dance that dance anymore, but it took a lot of tears and time to get here.

Don't give up.

~ Snow

Then just give her time and space John. It really sounds like you two are moving in the right direction, it is just these darn triggers that are getting to her. I would be encouraged that she feels safe venting to you. Hang in there.

Heck no! You are waaaay too early into this to give up, John. I cannot tell you how many times I waffled back and forth, depending on the triggers that day, as to whether I wanted to work on the M or not.

Hold onto the rollercoaster! Lead by example to your W, show her how to strap herself in and take it one day at a time, not reacting to every twist and turn.

You BOTH can do this. I see so much hope in your sitch.

Spidey

Hi snow,

As a FBS how many triggers would you put up with? I have to admit 3 in a week is a little much.

I also have to admit I am getting discouraged. Its been 4 and a half months that we have lived apart. When I think we are getting close to living togeather again it all goes down the tubes.

john...did you get the book i e-mailed you???

i pray you did---its a roadmap to forgiveness and healing for the ws! READ IT, THEN DO IT!!!

i am three yrs out waiting for my ws to wake up and get it....dont make his same mistakes. decide today you will do anything....then do it!! i dont care what she asks---do it.

if you are in it for the long haul----prove it to her.

nikko,

Yes I got the book. thank you very much.

The problem is what she is asking me to do now which is give up.

Hey John,

This board has a way of me wanting to tell more and more of myself. Here is a new piece of info for you.

My husband and I didn't live together until just a couple of months ago. We moved back in together Nov 1st. He was ready way before I was. We bought this little house together and I almost didn't come with him more times than I can count. I think the house closed in Sept and I dragged my feet until Nov.

And I sort of fell apart when I finally did move in. I was scarred I was walking into a trap that I couldn't escape if I had too. I was afraid he would stop working on *us.*

At one point he told me he was willing to throw away all the money we had already put out for the house because I was worth it to him he said. I melted right there into a big puddle. Went from, I can't live with you, don't trust you, can't do this again, it will kill me--to feeling very loved.

I have had more rants than you can imagine. I have even wanted to leave since I moved in. I am learning that what I keep saying to Dalton is true. These feelings are temporary and if he does cheat again I will know how to deal with it. It really won't kill me.

Patience John. Patience Dawn. I know 4 1/2 months seems long but we did it longer and my husband got frustrated too. I actually had promised myself I wouldn't live with him until a year had passed and here I am living with him a couple of months before a year.

You two have come along way. You can make it.

Tiggy

When did you move out Tiggy??

And what made you decide to work on the marriage instead of calling it quits? what did HE do that made you feel secure in comeing back?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also have to admit I am getting discouraged. Its been 4 and a half months that we have lived apart. When I think we are getting close to living togeather again it all goes down the tubes.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are entitled to feel anyway you want... but keep your feelings to yourself, away from your wife.

Behave as if you did not feel discouraged. Behave as a man convicted that his good efforts will bear good fruit.

You need practice sitting with uncomfortable feelings and not acting on them. So, I guess you are getting that practice ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep

***As a FBS how many triggers would you put up with? I have to admit 3 in a week is a little much.***

You just answered your own question as to why your wife is still freaking out and refusing to work with you on reconciliation.

Excuse me, but since when do *you* get to decide what's okay and what's "a little much" when trying to recover from an affair??? I'll bet your wife thought your ditching her for some other woman was "a little much," too -- but she did, apparently, at least try to work with you towards rebuilding what you destroyed.

My H used to do the same thing to me. HE would tell me what I needed. HE would tell me what would help. And HE would get very annoyed and impatient if HE did not think things were going the way HE thought they should go.

You want to save your marriage? Listen To Your Wife. SHE will tell you what she needs. And guess what -- SHE gets to decide what's "a little much" and what's not.

How long does it take for a BS to heal? Well, as long as you are standing there tapping your foot and looking at your watch, it will take forever.

How long does it take for a BS to heal? It takes as long as it take. That's how long. And SHE gets to decide that -- not you.

As long as she is willing to talk to you and work with you even a little, you do not have the right to expect anything more. But if you continue to pressure her to "get over it," you can be sure that she will go right on running in the other direction.

Look up "emotional PTSD" on a Google search. That's what your wife is going through.

Sorry, but your post really pushed a button with me. It tells me that you still Don't Get It, and as long as you Don't Get It there is very little chance of your wife coming back to you. If you ever do Get It, you will understand why -- but it will probably be too late.

I hope not.
Mulan

My H used to do the same thing to me. HE would tell me what I needed. HE would tell me what would help. And HE would get very annoyed and impatient if HE did not think things were going the way HE thought they should go.

I have NEVER told her what she needed. I dont TELL her what will help, I ASK her what will help.

As long as she is willing to talk to you and work with you even a little, you do not have the right to expect anything more. But if you continue to pressure her to "get over it," you can be sure that she will go right on running in the other direction.

Continue to pressure?? I have not pressured her at all. I have done everything she has asked and then some and asked NOTHING in return except for her to be honest with me.

Sorry, but your post really pushed a button with me. It tells me that you still Don't Get It, and as long as you Don't Get It there is very little chance of your wife coming back to you. If you ever do Get It, you will understand why -- but it will probably be too late.

I think I do GET it. There are quite a few people on here who I think would agree for the most part.

I realize I totally messed up. I am working my butt off to fix what I have done.

Thank you for the bashing that I dont really think I deserved, but what do I know right, Im just a WS.

John - it was not meant as a "bashing." I hoped to say to you the things that your wife has been trying to say but that you obviously have not heard.

All I can say is -- as long as it still occurs to you to wonder whether three triggers in a week is too much, you still have a very long way to go.

Mulan

P.S. And for heaven's sake, clean out your car and anything else that your wife might have to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!

Mulan

Sorry I took it as a bashing.

I know 3 in a week is alot for her to deal with. I have no doubts about that. I have been in her shoes. About 10 years ago she also has an affair.

What is bothering me is she is holding against me things I can not control. Yes I know I could have cleaned out my car and the envelope wouldnt have been an issue.

Today she told me she loves me, is in love with me, was goingto move when I do next week, but now she cant. Wants to call it quits, just throw away the progress we have made.

Mulan,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As long as she is willing to talk to you and work with you even a little, you do not have the right to expect anything more. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will politely ask you to revisit this comment. IMVHO, it is an incredible DJ to tell someone what they have the 'right' to expect, think, or feel. My H used to tell me I didn't have the 'right' to have feelings, or to want my feelings respected, b/c of my A. This type of cavalier resentment can become somewhat emotionally abusive. And I would caution you to seriously examine why you feel you have a right, but another human being does not......find the source of this reaction.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sorry, but your post really pushed a button with me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mulan, I think your post really says more about where you are and how you are feeling than it does about John and Dawn's situation. You were very harsh. And in a recovering M, both the BS's and WS's feelings must be respected. Otherwise, it becomes (as harsh as it seems), an 'owner'/'slave' type relationship. And this kind of relationship, does not a healthy M make.

Please look at your post. If I read between the lines, I am seeing a lot of resentment for some of the DJ's your H made toward you....but I see it as agression coming out on John....who really didn't deserve such a harsh reaction for being honest with his feelings. I do hope that you are able to come to peace with what you are feeling. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> I wish you luck.


________________________________________________________________

John,

I do not really have any advice different from those who have already spoken. You are very early in recovery, and your situation is quite different considering your W's past family conditions. You will have to be patient, and remember that actions speak louder than words. She may say she wants a D - she may threaten, scream, cry, sob.....but support her, regardless (unless it is abusive - but I don't think you are in that kind of M). If she is triggering she is reacting instead of acting. She will at some point have to rise above that kind of reaction, but I have a feeling it may take her a little longer considering her past.

Stay strong, and just see it for words.....right now, that's all they are....just reactive words. Keep your head up high, and know that you are now doing the right thing! That deserves respect! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Thank you L.I.T, I am trying