I am on Christmas break and so I am only working one of my jobs. TOday is my only day off left before I go back to both. H is sick and just wants to go home after work and go to bed. I am currently babysittine my niece and nephew. Okay here is the question. My best friend called me this afternoon and asked me if I wanted to go out with her tonight. I said I had to wait and see if H was feeling better and if he wanted too. Well after talking with H and him restateing he just wanted to go home and go to bed I told him that I was invited out with friend. H said he would be mad if I went <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> but to do what ever I wanted. Basically saying he will not stand in my way but he will be mad and and use it against me.

I want to go out, do not see why I should not (we are thinking of going dancing- which I LOVE to do). I do not plan to drink, just dance. I do not see the harm. But I am stuck. Do I go out and have fun- or do I make H happy and sit at home and watch him sleep?

I want to go out, do not see why I should not (we are thinking of going dancing- which I LOVE to do). I do not plan to drink, just dance. I do not see the harm. But I am stuck. Do I go out and have fun- or do I make H happy and sit at home and watch him sleep?

Would you be ok with you if your H went out and danced with other women?

Use that as your "ok" meter.

committed

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 05:45 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

KMEJ, My opinion is you should stay home. If my H was not feeling well I would not ask him to watch the kids so I can go out. Plus, if I remember correctly the last time you had a girls night out made him pretty unhappy. I think you need to treat him the way you want him to treat you. Besides, you are a married woman..who would you be dancing with? Sorry if I sound harsh, I know your H has not been very good to you in the past but I think if he is making an effort you should show him the same.

I would not go out until the kids are asleep. I am trying to be respectful of H, but at the same time I want the same treatment. H goes out with the boys every Thursday night. I do not get a say in the matter. I understand the whole dancing thing, and I told him if that is what upsets him then we would not go dancing then we would go to a movie or bowling or something, and he still says he will be mad. Should there not be some common ground. I just do not understand why it is okay for him to go out and not me.

I appriciate your feedback, as you usually make me see things I did not consider and then help me do the right thing. SO again thank you.

Hmm why doesn't he want you to go? Is it because he knows men will be there? I know that I wouldn't like for my ex to go dancing without me, but I think more so because I couldn't trust him.

I've heard that in a healthy relationship, you should be just as happy by yourself, just as much as you are happy with your partner, and your partner should be happy for you. because he/she loves you and wants you to be happy. Personally my feathers would be a bit ruffled if I knew my bf was going to dancing, now if he were going out somewhere like a restaurant with his buddies or something like that, then that would be better.

Some activities are expected to be left behind when a couple gets married. Dancing in a singles environment is one of them unless you are going as a H/W couple.

As a H, I would find this highly inappropriate for my W to suggest.

As you suggested, there are other more appropriate activities that you and your friend could do together.

Whether the time is right (with your H being sick) is another story. Will he be able to manage the kids in his condition. It sounds like he intends to be asleep and will be of little help to a child in need.

I would suggest to your friend that you need to take a rain check. I would also suggest that you and your H POJA recreational time for each of you individually AND some time together.

Your H should be taking you dancing, not your GF. (Assuming that your best friend is female)

H will never go dancing, so what you are saying is that I should give up dancing because my H hates it? Should he not open up a little and try it? I do all sorts of things that he likes. I am not trying to be childish here, I am asking. Because if I gave up everything my H did not like, I would have no relationship with my famiy, I would not have many friends, and I would not go out dancing, I would not do much but stay at home. I respect the fact that a lot of people look at dancing as a way to meet people, but I go with a group of girls for a reason, we dance as a group and we "protect" one another. I can see your point I can, we are suppose to live for the other, and I would HATE IT if my H went dancing with out me, I would be very jealous, because I know how much he hates it and I would KNOW that he was going strictly to pick up girls. Catch 22 here. I hate that

H will never go out dancing with me, at weddings I barely get him out on the floor. He simply does not like it. I realize that it should be something very limited at best after you are married. However I married H at 20- been with him since 17- and he has yet to take me out dancing. I go out at least once a year usually while H is hunting and go dancing. I have asked H to do a POJA with me, he is not interested. Thing is H views all of his activities as exceptable, and typically makes plans and then just informs me of what he is doing, that bothers me. I wish I had a solution that would make us both happy.

Hey KMEJ...

I'm glad to hear that your Christmas was pretty decent. And I'm glad to hear that your H was on 'better' behavior. I will caution you, though, to just make sure you protect yourself. He is behaving better, and you should acknowledge that. But people like you and me tend to sometimes grasp blindly at those changes, and as soon as they notice we have 'latched' back on, then they abandon those changes for the old ways.

He will need to keep up those changes for a very long time before you will be able to trust fully that they are real. They may very well be, but only with the test of time. So see the changes, note the changes, but test them with time.

______________________________________________________________________________

As for your current problem, I went through a stage very similar to this.......please read my posts on the recovery board:

LIT's last bit of tolerance

In my post, a friend asked me to go listen to live music with her. It was to be at a bar, and I just really wanted H to go with me - so I asked H to go - he refused, but said it was OK for me to go. So I went. After I posted (and got a bit flamed here for going - duly deserved, I might note <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), I understood the message. My feelings of not wanting to be disrespected, wanting to do things I enjoyed, etc were not wrong. Rather I needed to refrain from doing things that would 'spark' controversy (such as going to a bar) while I was trying to earn his respect.

It was hard - incredibly hard to watch him go out to bars, talk intimately with his girl friends, spend time with his guy friends, and yet still know that I had to be respectful by not going out to do the same or similar 'controversial' activities. I was resentful. But that resentment also fueled me to realize how imbalanced our relationship was. He was allowed to do that, but I wasn't. I would have gladly given up listening to music if we could have replaced it with something we both enjoyed. But it was never really about the music for him.....it was about the control. And I was able to isolate that after a while.....

Honestly, KMEJ - going dancing is not wrong. I used to dance only with girlfriends when I was in college - I hated the whole 'meat market' attitude in clubs....but I did love to dance. BUT, this is also a very crucial time in your testing your M. You will need to be the model of good behavior - no LBs, standing firm on your boundaries, yet being respectful of his. And if he still does not treat you with respect, then you will soon start to notice that your feelings toward the M will start to change more rapidly.

Is this just a manipulative tactic from your H to prevent you from doing something (dancing) you like? Maybe yes, maybe no <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . We will probably not know. But if on another night (when he is not sick), you and your friend wish to go see a movie, and he becomes angry with you.....you will know that it was about control. And that will propell you further from him emotionally - a healthy response to that kind of R.

However, if it is real, then at the very least, you respected his wishes, and he will appreciate you staying home. Yet he will not balk when you ask at a later date to do a very 'conservative' activity with a friend. And at that point, you might be pushed to believe a little bit more that his changes are genuine.

Very wordy answer - sorry. Please read that post of mine. I have a feeling you might see some of your own feelings reflected in there.

Hope you have a Happy New Year, KMEJ. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LIT thanks for taking the time to post to me, and attaching your thread. I see a lot of simularities it is rather scary.

To update from last night- I decided to not go out per the advise on here. H came home from work and brought dinner for the two of us, he ate at the computer and I ate at the table reading the paper (sounds romantic doesn't it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) then we went upstairs and snuggled while we watched a movie. It was actually rather nice since we are both fighting a cold as well as the three boys. I woke up this morning to a bath drawn and H taking one of the boys out with him shopping. H rarely takes any of the boys with him, so that was a surprise. He took the oldest who is the easiest, but take one out of the equation and the whole equation gets easier- mainly because the other two like Barney <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am happy with my decision to stay home last night. Granted I would have loved to go dancing, but it would not have been worth it. Thanks to all who took the time to post to me.

K,

Just don't forget about yourself. If all else fails that's who you'll be left with. So treat that person well, and do what that person thinks is best.

You have will have the strength to do what is right! Remember that actions are stronger than words.

All the best in 2005!

Miker

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should there not be some common ground. I just do not understand why it is okay for him to go out and not me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ - It's not "okay" for either of you. I'm glad to read that you stayed home. Seems like the response from your husband was pretty darn good, too!

KMEJ - You are married. Period. It's time to put away the "foolish things of youth" and understand that "forsaking ALL others" is what marriage is all about....for both of you.

Undeniably you both have much work to do in understanding the roles of husbands and wives, so let me give you a starting point that you should discuss with your husband.

God created marriage so that each of you would be the "servant" of the other and thus "complete" each other. Pervert that plan with an insistance upon "me first" and there WILL be trouble.

Sacrifice...it's what we do when we love someone. We DO "deny self" and that's the way it is. If someone "will not" take on that mantle, then be single. In marriage, neither of you belongs to "yourself" anymore. You belong to you husband and he belongs to you...you are now "one flesh.

Let me suggest a book that might be helpful to the both of you. It's called Magnificent Marriage by Gordon MacDonald.

Once again, congratulations on the choice you made "this time," and the wonderful way that your husband responded to your giving.

God bless.