Hi All....I don't post very often, but I thought since I'm exceptionally in a good mood today, I might just post on a subject which I feel very strongly about.

An affair in itself is one of the most devastating event in a person's life. Having to go into Plan B is even harder (trust me, I'm the Queen of Plan B Failures); however, it is not until I finally was able to do a proper Plan B was I able to "save" myself. I know you are wondering why I chose the word "save"...well, I'll tell you.

The disrespect and total chaos that is wrought by a WS's behavior, words, and actions is enough to make a rollercoster seem tame. It is a time where we, the BS, is emotionally killed. We work even harder to save the marriage and find ourselves losing a great deal of our self respect and our sanity. Even during my several attempts at Plan B I allowed my WS to dictate my actions. What a silly fool I was? Then, it hit me. The person who is suffering through this the most is me. The children are loved and cared for by both of us, my WS is being cared and adored by his little chickie, and I'm running in circles trying to figure out what I need to do to fix it. I may have contributed to the breakdown, but I certainly did not sign up for this insanity. I decided that I needed to save myself; and guess what....I did.

Does my WS still live with the OW? Of course! He still claims it is not about her, blah, blah, blah. He still claims that he wants his wife and his family back, blah, blah, blah. He still does the sad act and I even allowed him to spend Xmas Day with the kids. The difference between then and now is this....I permitted myself for so long to be a victim (by my own choice) that I assisted in depleting what little love and respect I had stored for my husband. I tried so many times to save "us" that I was killing "me". Now that I'm strong and resilient and independent (all that he wanted me to be), I have realized that he is not the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Essentially, I can be in the same room with this man and not have a single feeling; no loathing, no liking, nothing. He is the father to my children and I will respect him for their sake.

Therefore, my prayers are with each and every one of you who are going through what every BS goes through. It is a hell, I will not lie. But if you can take the advice, please respect "you" first and stop the insanity that can literally kill you. Plan B is to save yourself and if the marriage survives, it is a plus!!!!

Good Luck to you all!!!

WS - 37yo
BS (me) - 35yo
DS (18), DD (11), DS (6)
DDay - October 13, 2002
Update: I happen to work for the husband of the best divorce lawyer in the City of Philadelphia...yeah!!!!

BRAVO, I love to read posts like yours that let us all know that personal recovery is possible ater an affair.. Irregardless of your marriage ending , you became a better, stronger, and more independent person. That is what it is all about in the end. If the marriage is going to be saved, it cannot happen unless one recovers first. Just my opinion.

Thanks for the post and for sharing.

LM (aka sourmale)

hi karena,

Glad you drop by and you have earned your way out of your M. It takes a lot of pain and personal growth and time to get there. When BS is done with plan B ... there is no love left and by then you could make a Dv decision w/o anger, hurt or fear.

You have Survive an Affair <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong> hi karena,

Glad you drop by and you have earned your way out of your M. It takes a lot of pain and personal growth and time to get there. When BS is done with plan B ... there is no love left and by then you could make a Dv decision w/o anger, hurt or fear.

You have Survive an Affair <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

-rh- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Redhat:

Can you please enlighten me how one "earns" their way out of a marriage. I would like to read the guidelines. Perhaps you could provide me a link, I would be most appreciative. Thank You in advance for the information.

To clarify, perhaps I misinterpreted what you meant by "earn". I am not trying to be a smart A$$ here, just trying to learn a few things.

LM

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: lemonman ]</small>

Thanks Guys....it took a very long time for me to get the confidence up to actually post. It has been a long and difficult road for me, but yeah, I did it...I never thought it was possible. I believe that "his" final attempt (I say "his" because I really don't feel that he is a spouse, wandering or not, in any way)was a bit low; he spoke reconciliation w/o completing any of the necessary steps to ensure my or my children's security. He was worried about causing a problem with OW and her feelings...ugh. So long ago I would have jumped at the paltry and pathetic offer...now, I just basically told him, uh, no. Maybe if you would have at least tried to tell her you wanted your family, I would have gave it somoe thought....lol. His response, I have to do it my way. I said, "Well, your way is definitely not the right way, so go to North Carolina for the month (for work), and let my contact know when you will next see the kids. Of course, I the response I received was that I was this and that, and this and that...blah, blah, blah.

He needs help!!!...lol

I don't judge people and english is my 3rd language. "Earned" to me is a personal answer to "You can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you have explored every avenue available to you in an effort to rehabilitate the relationship ?".

Here is someone else guideline that I had use in the past ... Calling it Quits. Hope you could find the answer that you are looking for.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong> I don't judge people and english is my 3rd language. "Earned" to me is a personal answer to "You can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you have explored every avenue available to you in an effort to rehabilitate the relationship ?".

Here is someone else guideline that I had use in the past ... Calling it Quits. Hope you could find the answer that you are looking for.

-rh- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the link. I understand what you mean by "earn" now. I agree.

LM (aka sourmale)

Hi karena!! *waving* Please do me a favor and check in on Libby Ann who just entered Plan B! She could really use some support from the queen. *wink*

Hi redhat! I think your English is very good....and I like your reasoning behind "earning" your way out of a marriage!

I want to know an applicable form of plan B for the BS who doesn't have the children with him, and is breaking under the weight of the depression, finacial chaos, and uncertainty I have been left with since my wife left to move in with the OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi Robert...Plan B not having the children w/you is the same as having them live with you. Everything is done through a third party, as regard to contact. However, your children (if they are of an age) should have full reign to contact you whenever and however often they please; it is your spouse (or significant other) who is the person whom you are disconnecting from.

Do you have a person who is willing to act as a neutral intermediary on your behalf. He/she can contact your wife and arrange for pick up/drop off, etc., etc. (if custody and visitation are in the works). That's it. All support and alimony (if any) should be finalized in court, and then payments made through court. If drop-off/pick-up are at your home, have someone else present to bring your kids to the door or to their mother's car. Stay dark. Do not answer phone calls (block the number), do not accept e-mails, (block the e-mail address), and whatever you do, and listen to me on this one, because I've allowed myself to be victimized by this...never give in to their half-hearted, feel-sorry-for-me attempts at trying to get to see you. The thing is, they do argue with the new "man or woman" and when that happens, they want you....at first, you are so eager to "fix" that you allow them their "fix"...time spent with you. DO NOT DO IT!!!!

Plan B is to save you, remember that. Like I said above, if the marriage is saved in the meantime, then it is wonderful, but don't go into a Plan B with the sole intention of "saving your marriage"....it will not work. It takes two to do that, and in most cases, especially in the beginning, they (the WS) are not willing to do. Heck, my DDAY was over two years ago, "he" (as he does not warrant the title husband) is still vascillating...could you believe it??? I think this Xmas was the icing on the cake and the push I needed to finally say, "Whew, I'm glad its over finally, I'm ready to file". And you know what Robert, I'm not sad, a teensy weensy bit hurt, but most of all....I'm free of the torture, anguish, and rollercoaster of his pathetic emotional screw-up. He is all hers now....I can only wish them both...the best of LUCK!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by karena:
<strong>

Plan B is to save you, remember that. Like I said above, if the marriage is saved in the meantime, then it is wonderful, but don't go into a Plan B with the sole intention of "saving your marriage"....it will not work. It takes two to do that, and in most cases, especially in the beginning, they (the WS) are not willing to do. Heck, my DDAY was over two years ago, "he" (as he does not warrant the title husband) is still vascillating...could you believe it??? I think this Xmas was the icing on the cake and the push I needed to finally say, "Whew, I'm glad its over finally, I'm ready to file". And you know what Robert, I'm not sad, a teensy weensy bit hurt, but most of all....I'm free of the torture, anguish, and rollercoaster of his pathetic emotional screw-up. He is all hers now....I can only wish them both...the best of LUCK!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Where did you come from? This is a nice breath of fresh air for the board. I am sure that many here will gain alot from your insight.

LM (aka sourmale)

lemonman,

Karena is from the school of hard knocks!!! She's not kidding when she said she's the poster child for bad Plan Bs LOL!! How many would you say we went through together K?

Hi LM...lol, I've been here for a long time and used to post a very long time ago...nearly 2 years..however, my lurking has remained just that until I felt strong enough to offer advice. Star*fish, Takola, Le, and others were so supportive of me, and in spite of and during the height of my madness and frantic behavior, they made me believe in me and that I was worth more than what was being delivered. I struggled through numerous Plan B's...heaven knows how many fish Tak threatened me with, and how Star lost her fine Southern composure, but they stuck with me. I struggle until today with the why's. Most importantly, I struggle with my trying so very hard and him not putting in any effort. But, the struggles have taken a back seat to school (for me and the children), Soccer, T-Ball, Football, Acting, Chess Club, etc., etc. Maybe and I say maybe, if I have a moment, I allow myself to feel sad, but not let it consume me. The worst of it really is having to overcome how he has treated the children. Just tonight he claims that "I'm a great Dad, you have made them hate me!". Funny...he'd rather spend New Year's Eve with his "girl" (I love how juvenile that sounds....matches their behavior) than his children. He's leaving to work away for a month, yet he doesn't make plans to spend every minute with them. Hmmm, maybe I'm wrong, but, uh, doesn't that sound strange to you...lol. Oh yeah, and the good Dad that he is...what a charm...hands us Xmas presents..unwrapped, no cards, and nothing we would remotely ever even contemplate buying. Shows how much of a great Dad he is. Ask him what are his kids likes and dislikes...he couldn't tell ya...ask him how they did in school this quarter....couldn't tell ya....ask him about their fears....he tells them to grow up...totally ignores his daughter instead of making her feel better....she needs to not hate him so much...ugh. At one point, this was a major problem for me...now I just shake my head and think to myself, "Boy are you going to regret this someday." LM...that's his problem...not mine....Let him stew in the juices of his own ignorance....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by star*fish:
<strong> lemonman,

Karena is from the school of hard knocks!!! She's not kidding when she said she's the poster child for bad Plan Bs LOL!! How many would you say we went through together K? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LMAO..........ohhhh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Well it is all the same to me, 2 years ago I would have bet my life and all of my patients lives that I would NEVER be on a site like this. That would have been a bad bet for all of us.

LM (aka sour male)