I just got home from finding my partner at a strip joint when he went out today to play pool iwth some friends. One was celebrating his birthday. I was supposed to meet up with him at our local bar and when I got there I was told where he was and I went there. This is such a major thing for me as I am trying to trust him and give him some freedom. I am sitting here smoking (I have been on the patch for a couple of months) and drinking to numb the hysteria rising in me. I went into the strip bar and confronted him and all he said is this is what guys do!! I majored LB and left and came home. I imagine he is going back to our hangout when he leaves. I don't know what to do when and if he comes home. I probably be drunk by then so I guess the question is mute. Just had to vent or go crazy. This day was a test and we both flunked.

Oi! I don't know your history but it sounds like you've been having problems. Please, don't try to drink yourself into oblivion. It never really helps. Tomorrow, you'll just feel horrible, be even more depressed and will have possibly said or done things you normally wouldn't.

I'm not fond of strip clubs. I think they are sad and lonely places for men to be. If that's what men do, he's probably hanging out with the wrong men. Has he had a history of going to them? And has it caused trouble? Was this a boundary you set, not going to strip clubs? Are you more upset about the club or the fact he wasn't honest about where he was?

Keep venting to us. We're save. The people here give good advice and comfort. When he comes up and if you are still functional (I hope), just say "I am angry and disappointed. I don't know exactly how to deal with this now but I need/want/must talk about it in the morning."

Tell us more of your story so we can help you better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by yokohamarose:
<strong> I just got home from finding my partner at a strip joint when he went out today to play pool iwth some friends. One was celebrating his birthday. I was supposed to meet up with him at our local bar and when I got there I was told where he was and I went there. This is such a major thing for me as I am trying to trust him and give him some freedom. I am sitting here smoking (I have been on the patch for a couple of months) and drinking to numb the hysteria rising in me. I went into the strip bar and confronted him and all he said is this is what guys do!! I majored LB and left and came home. I imagine he is going back to our hangout when he leaves. I don't know what to do when and if he comes home. I probably be drunk by then so I guess the question is mute. Just had to vent or go crazy. This day was a test and we both flunked. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would say he flunked.........you just reacted to his "F". Alcohol will 100% make things worse.

We are 1 1/2 years past D day. I am having a hard time letting go as the person he had EA with is still at our workplace and I bump in to her occasionally but have never spoken to her. She goes into his workplace every day but he now leaves. He says that I am the one keeping this going. We had a very nice xmas and he gave me jewelery for xmas. Never gave me anything last year... Doesn't remember that he didn't. Found out at my sister's xmas day and couldn't believe it. How can they not remember???? Strip clubs we4rre never discussed as he hasn't gone to one in many years. We have been together for 17 years. He is 13 years younger than I but I have very low self esteem and he knows this. If he thought about me at all, he wouldn't have went there even though I don't think that was the problem. It's just that I thought I was doing a good thing by trying not to freak out by his going out today without me. The only time he goes to a bar is with me on Wednesday nights to play pool. This place is a trigger as the OW met him there. He thinks that I should be over all this by now, but I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't get over it. I am 55 but look good, I guess for my age. Other guys have sent over drinks, flowers etc. when I am there and he just laughs it off. He doesn't have a jealous bone in his body or he is just too confident. I have totally changed my attitude since D day and just the other day he said how he didn't think I could do it but I had. He doesn't fulfill my ENs though. I think he thinks that he is doing enough. I just swallow it most of the time. Now I am really scared because besides obsessing about contact with OW (which he tries not to - have contact that is) but says that in the New Year he is not going to hide from her as he feels stupid, (I said did you feel stupid walking around with her in public at work with people knowing he was with me)I usually don't come clean with the anger I am feeling. I guess there will be a major confrontation tonight as I allowed some of my anger out. I guess it was a bad thing since he wasn't with the OW. I should just have come home without going to the bar but I panicked and wanted him to know that I knew where he was.

We had been doing so well...what is going to happen now? What is the right thing to say when he comes home? He says that the EA was a good thing as it brought about good changes. I don't care, I want it back the way it was. Why do I have to go through this???

If he was really caring about me he would come home now not stay out. I guess he doesn't care.

Three drinks in 20 minutes. I may have a record. Funny, I only had a drink twice a year before D day. At least I get drunk fast. I will probably pass out soon and consequently, hopefully won't be conscious soon. I hope I don't wake up until tomorrow...

YokoR, where do you live ?. are you in Japan or in the state ?. Stay away from the drink and get some rest. Post some more later when you are sober.

-rh-