Been working on this for a while. Please read and offer/make alterations. Sorry for length. Thanks. FR

What is Enabling and Denial?

Most of us take great joy in helping those we love. It creates a mixture of chemicals in our brain that makes us feel good about life and at times can be quite satisfying. However, as in all of life there is a potential downside to this help. The downside is created when a person has ventured away from the “good path” and has entered a life that seems uncharacteristic for them and is highly damaging. Most of us have seen or at least heard of this happening to fine, upstanding people. (So and so left his family of many years for a young woman. Mrs. So and So drinks a bottle of wine every night and falls asleep drunk. Young Timmy stole a car and crashed it on the interstate, and so the stories go.) Common reasons you may hear include; “mid-life crisis, sowing oats, feeling stifled” and the list goes on. The common denominator in these “meltdowns” is usually caused when one or more stressful life-events have knocked the wayward person off-course. Loss of a child, spouse, family member, good friend, etc. are common stresses that cause this phenomenon. Others include; loss of business, divorce, loss of money, loss of home, etc. No matter the cause; these emotional and physical “meltdowns” are often be destructive to many.

A person acting in a way that is self-destructive also usually destroys other’s lives at the same time albeit unintentionally. They are in a state of mind that makes little to no normal sense and have no reason to change until major consequences are suffered due to their behavior. If they are continually rescued from these consequences (physical or emotional) by well-meaning loved ones, they perceive this as support to continue practicing their destructive behavior – which by the way is rarely viewed as destructive or even wrong by the destructor. To the person acting out; even a hint of acceptance of their poor behavior from loved ones is often enough to help them continue on their wayward path. This well-meaning, but equally destructive behavior by loved ones is called Enabling.

Many a soul has been lost due to enablement by loved ones. The loved ones show support to the person they care about by accepting the behavior of the destructor without regard to the possible consequences of their misguided acceptance and often without regard to the truth of the matter. When the wayward person and/or the loved ones do not face the truth or reality of a situation it is called Denial. Denial and Enabling are equally destructive to people and families.

Interestingly; a secondary level of destruction often begins when the loved ones “buy-in” to the inappropriate actions of the wayward; and actually enter the fantasy-world the wayward has created and is living in. What was once deemed by all as inappropriate action before is considered to be fine and normal. Now there are several who begin slipping down this path to destruction and once the ball starts rolling down the mountain it becomes very hard to stop. This is often how generations and generations of alcoholism, drug use, violence, etc. are created and continue for decades.

Enabling is always dysfunctional because it supports a person in continuing on a path to destruction. Helping someone to continue to self-destruct is not support - it is also not loving.

What the the wayward person really needs at this critical time is for their loved ones to look at the situation as objectively as possible – and make a determination based on the facts rather than information from the misguided wayward one. The reasons are complex but basically the destructor is in a way “reaching out” to loved ones in search of the answers to whether their actions are appropriate. (Am I doing right or wrong?) They are not only acting “out of character” they are also thinking “out of character” and in brief moments of sanity; they will reach out for guidance. It is important for loved ones of the wayward to recognize these times and advise based on the truth of the situation(s).

Are You an Enabler?
1. Have you viewed the behavior of the wayward person one as “wrong” but not said anything because you love them?
2. Have you loaned the wayward person money to aid them on their misguided path?
3. Have you made excuses for or lied for the wayward person to other loved ones?
4. Have you lowered your standards of life (values) so that the wayward one appears to be moral?
5. Have you avoided talking about the issues with the wayward one out of fear of their response?
6. Have you threatened to disown them?
7. If you’re a Christian; have you brought the issue (in truth) before the Church?
8. Have the actions of the wayward affected other family members or friends lives?
9. Would you be comfortable doing what the wayward is doing?
10. Do you believe that the wayward has (intentionally or unintentionally) lied to or deceived you?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you at some point in time have enabled the wayward person to avoid his/her own responsibilities. Rather than "help" the person, you have actually made it easier for them to get worse.

If you answered "yes" to most or all of these questions, you have not only enabled the wayward, you have probably become a major contributor to the growing and continuing problem and chances are you have become effected by the problem yourself.

As long as the wayward person has their enabling devices in place, it is easy for them to continue to deny they have a problem – since most of their actions are being "accepted" by those around them. Only when they are forced to face the consequences of their own actions, will it finally begin to sink in how big the problem has become. If the wayward is free to continue in the progression of their damage with their denial intact and they reach the point of hitting bottom, even the most convinced wayward person must finally admit there is a problem. But consider the collateral damage to those who love the wayward. God forbid children are involved.

If you answered yes to any of the questions above; it is important that you change your position and begin to show the wayward a different you. In the name of love – you must step back, re-think the situation, talk to those involved and together formulate a plan to help the wayward to recover from this downward spiral. Ask your church to help. Ask family members to help. Ask long time friends to help. You will need all the help you can find as you’ve inadvertently been helping to make the situation worse than it could have been. Good Luck.

FR...how are you? Hope things are going well for ya!

GREAT post. I'll have to reread it to *really* let it sink in, but one thing really stuck out:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">even a hint of acceptance of their poor behavior from loved ones is often enough to help them continue on their wayward path.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your post is great for *ANY* addiction, and *ANY* enabling action.

To sum it up, "Tough love." For survival.

Great post Fishracer.

I beleive that a lot of the enabling that we do is because of three things. First, we never expect that our spouses will be unfaithful to us because they do not fit into the stereotype we have of what a WS is like. Second, we are woefully ignorant or uninformed as to what is the best way to proceed once we discover our spouses's infidelity. It is because of these two, that I beleive that many a BS have a crisis of faith in themselves and of the world they thought they knew. And third, the fear of the unknwown if we choose to end the marriage, and a way of life that might span decades, right after d-day. I firmly beleive that if a BS comes to terms and positively resolves these three issues, he/she will be in a better position to move forward with his/her life no matter what happens to the marriage.

TMCM

Great thread, I've been thinking about this for some weeks now. My wife told me 3.5 months ago that she wanted a divorce, told me she wanted to commit suicide.

She admitted that she "liked this OM, he liked her and she wanted to be with him and have Sex with him." I was a friggin basketcase for 6-8 weeks, started getting back to normal about 4 weeks ago, lost 52 lbs in 10 weeks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Still have no appetite.

My question is this, we have talked Zero about this OM. I was nervous at first because I didn't want to rock the boat so I started doing Plan A and providing a Safety Zone. If she is in a EA or PA she can only be doing it at work because she is always at home or with me or my children. She is Never alone outside of work. I believe this OM must work with her.

We have been getting along very well in the last 2-3 weeks, in fact I started sleeping in our bed 2 nights ago (no sex since July). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I hate to "rock the boat at this time" but I feel after reading this thread I need to ask her some serious questions about her so-called affair. SH and I are not sure if she is in a Fantasy EA or a Real EA (Steve talked to her for one hour), I have NO proof whatsoever and she is the one who told me. Many women here said my wife "was crying out for help and attention" so I'm not sure what to do.

Whenever I sit down and start to ask questions, very quitely and in a safe harbor type of atmosphere she gets upset and doesn't want to talk about it. She eventually gives in and answers my questions, but so far they have been easy. Now I think it's time for Tough Love.

Should I confront her ASAP?. I was thinking Sunday night because I don't want to ruin our weekend and she won't be seeing him anyways.

Since I started integrating this 180 change along with Plan A, things have gotten much better between us.

Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as
far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold, wait to see if spouse notices.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness.20.
All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk.
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on other parts of your life).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed
much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your
spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
These can help you become an attractive person by showing her that you do not need
her in order to be a happy person.

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: TA ]</small>

Hi LINY

Things are well - Thanks. How about you? Cold up there?



T00MuchCoffeeMan

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, we never expect that our spouses will be unfaithful to us because they do not fit into the stereotype we have of what a WS is like. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen to that one!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Second, we are woefully ignorant or uninformed as to what is the best way to proceed once we discover our spouses's infidelity. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh yes; I failed miserably upon & after D-day. I did not know that MB existed then. Not sure if it would have made any diference though!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is because of these two, that I beleive that many a BS have a crisis of faith in themselves and of the world they thought they knew. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was more upset at the world (post-modern world to be exact!) than I was at myself. I made mistakes in M for sure - but did not deserve A & all that came with it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And third, the fear of the unknwown if we choose to end the marriage, and a way of life that might span decades, right after d-day. I firmly beleive that if a BS comes to terms and positively resolves these three issues, he/she will be in a better position to move forward with his/her life no matter what happens to the marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right again Coffee! It's all about faith in God and in the "truth"! Thanks.

FR

This is a really good read and like LINY, I'm going to have to read a couple of times.

I am an enabler...with EVERYONE in my life. It is such a hard habit to break. I try to be too understanding and that is that "hint of acceptance".

Hi TA:

I read your post with interest as XW began her downward spiral with EA. A couple of things you say throw out a red flag as far as I'm concerned. (Please comment Orchid, Maddyk, PEP, etc.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife told me 3.5 months ago that she wanted a divorce, told me she wanted to commit suicide. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If she is in a EA or PA she can only be doing it at work because she is always at home or with me or my children. She is Never alone outside of work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SH and I are not sure if she is in a Fantasy EA or a Real EA (Steve talked to her for one hour) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am no psychologist and certainly not SH; but it seems that there is some fantasy going on here. The suicide thing bothers me more than usual too. I am normally a "let's talk it out" kinda guy, but I'm not sure if you should push right now. It may be that she has done nothing yet, but is thinking about it. Perhaps another call to SH would be wise before you push too hard. Patience may be your friend right now. Keep watching - there are some wise folks on here that will offer great insight! Good luck TA.

FR

I don't know TA's whole situation so do not want to comment to deeply.

I do know that I was probably at a greater risk for an affair than my husband was (even though he's the one who did it), I just did not really have the opportunity. Um..NOT that I was looking for one, mind you.

But it goes back to the other things. TA, your wife is obviously a very troubled soul and you know this. Some people can simulataneously work on their marriages by working on themselves and others cannot. I'm one of those who can work on some problems, but not others.

If your wife has truly felt suicidal I doubt it is over the OM or over you. There's something within her that is broken. Is she in IC? Has she reflected upon any of this herself?

I just want to add...

I second Fishracer's recommendation to ask SH about this...specifically asking your wife questions.

I feel that it's really important to ask those questions if YOU need it for healing...but you have to create a safe environment for your wife to answer those questions honestly. That is what I would consult SH on...creating that environment for her. I can think of a couple of ways, but SH would know best.

I had an Appt with Steve today but he called in sick. I rescheduled for next week. I'm not doing anything until then.

Guess I'll have to wait it out.

BTW, she talked of suicide on D-Day, not since. She told me she felt "Trapped" and didn't know what to do. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I then became suicidal after D-Day for about 3 weeks. Thank god I came to my senses.

Thanks

TA:

Most everyone here knows what you're saying and we're glad you came to your sense as well!

Would your W participate on here? That would be a great thing. Don't push - just ask. You (and she) might be amazed at the good that would come from it.

Until then, take care of yourself and make time to do something you enjoy. Good luck.

FR