Was at MC about a month ago, and since then have had very little contact with WH. Comment was made something like " if talking to a female on the phone, and meeting her in public places is having an emotional affair then I must have had at least 5 affairs! Then he said something like "that would make me an adulteror and I'm not that" (sorry about the spelling)

Due to WH attitude, I coultn't get a word in.
We haven't went back to MC together got an appointment coming up next week though. This comment has bugged me. I want to respond to it. His response is always "we are just friends"
Letter OW wroted to me says "we have great communication and are very supportive friends, and WH can decide if he wants to work on your M or not until then I will support him".

This EA has turned into a PA, but since we had just filed for a civil seperation he says it wasn't an affair. I disagree...but another discussion.

I believe he had an EA due to:
a) I didn't know that they were calling each other
at least 3 - 4 times a week
b)they communicated only when I was at work or away from the home.
c)she belonged to the same volunteer company, when we were at meetings together they seemed to be only "casual aquaintences"
d)they met in secret several times (how I found out, oldest sons friends seen them "kissing" they say the 13 yr old boys are harboring bad feeling for them and just wanted to cause trouble...yeah right)
e)calls and msg were always erased. no one else knew they went to great lenghts to hide.
f)why was it a secret?
So...I have explained to deaf ears that I feel:
1)violated. He discussed marriage problems, personnel issues of mine, children issues and who knows what else with her.

I am enjoying little contact with him! I'm glad I have moved out. I'm having more good days now. Even though this morning at 5am when he dropped the boys off, he called afterward and actied like a baby, I held my tongue and told him to have a nice day.... I miss my H, do not want anything to do with WH. I have also told him that even though WE are MARRIED, I refuse to see "OW boyfriend". So, he knows how I feel, and he knows what actions I need before I will even discuss R. Such as NC. I have also told him, I will not make MC appointments, If he wants to go to MC he can make the appointments (if nothing else we are learning how to deal with children issues)

I'm tired of beating my head on a brick wall and refuse to do so anymore! The MC sessions are just him blowing off steam, he rants etc...I sit there holding my tongue with very little comments. The comments I do make, I like them to be like big buckets of cold water to him. I know he will only listen to what he wants to hear...

He makes me feel like I started all of this because of him "just being friends"....and the MC either A) realizes that he doens't want to admit and is waiting for the right time or B) doesn't believe in emotional affairs

words of widsom needed.....

He doesn't want to admit what he is doing is wrong. Any relationship done secretly from you is inappropriate.

Take the friends or emotional affair quiz to see.

MIF

Alli,

Per Shirley Glass's book (paraphrasing) Anything that is communicated by one spouse to a member of opposite sex that would make either one of the spouses uncomfortable or that must be kept secret from the other spouse because of same would be considered an EA. If the conversation between the two could not be conducted between the 4 (if there is another husband) because someone would be uncomfortable then it is an EA.

If your spouse is willing to copy you with all emails and text messages and let you listen in on any phone calls to the op then that might prove it is not an EA.

Words of Wisdom!??? Definitely an EA. But you knew that. Now he is deep in the fog, blithering to all that will listen that it is not his fault!!

k

Last night, my brother called from his home in another state. He was fishing for information that had been hinted from the family grapevine. Of course, he got most of the story.

One thing he said is pertinent to this topic. He said in their family they use the "Red Face" test for behavior. That means if you do something and you can tell people and not get embarrassed or get a "red face", then it's probably okay. If it's something that you are embarrassed or ashamed of and blush, then it probably isn't. Can our WHs tell people about their EA and A and not get a red face? I'll bet you not!

For some strange reason a high percentage of WS find great disdain being called adulterors

it is as if their own definition and vision of that "type" of person could not possibley be them... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It is the human brain need to deny and avoid in action.....

being called an aldulteror to them is a bad bad word....

therefor there are times when it is the EXACT term the BS should use..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

chips to the core of the veneer

like water dripping on a stone...

ark

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For some strange reason a high percentage of WS find great disdain being called adulterors

it is as if their own definition and vision of that "type" of person could not possibley be them...

It is the human brain need to deny and avoid in action.....

being called an aldulteror to them is a bad bad word....

therefor there are times when it is the EXACT term the BS should use.....

chips to the core of the veneer

like water dripping on a stone...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey ark^^

Kinda like a snake not wanting to be called a reptile. (pun intended!)

FR

Very true indeed...

I remember my last meeting with OM, it turned physical (kissing). Afterwards I drove home and all I could say to myself is that I committed adultery - I was an adulteror.

You want to blow apart the fantacy of an affair - call it for what it is - adultery. It's very sobering indeed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
For some strange reason a high percentage of WS find great disdain being called adulterors.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And rightly so, considering that the correct spelling is 'adulterer'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

But seriously, it's just probably a defensive mechanism because almost no one wants to be labeled as an evil-doer, even if the evidence is there.

Speaking of disdain, why do a high percentage of BS find great disdain calling their WS's OP, lover?

I would never call the op his "lover", but I do have some other pet names.

curse you toomuch...

I had originally spelled it that way...then went back and re-read how alirose spelt it...and I changed it..!!!!!!!

I'm so gullable...not to mention a really really bad speller....you should see how frayed my random house dictionary is that sits on my desk..
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ark

Dont' swweaat it Arq, forrtoonatlee y am a grreaat espeller. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

TMZM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

***Comment was made something like " if talking to a female on the phone, and meeting her in public places is having an emotional affair then I must have had at least 5 affairs! Then he said something like "that would make me an adulteror and I'm not that"***

Don't get sucked into this game. My H used to do the same thing. He would be furious if I dared to refer to him "dating" his "girlfriends." He was convinced -- as all WS seem to be -- that if you don't CALL something what it is, then that's NOT what it is.

As if semantics were all that mattered. As if semantics could change what happened.

It is not a DJ to speak the truth. He IS dating this woman and he IS treating her like a girlfriend. He IS cheating in his marriage by giving his time, energy, and emotional support to another woman instead of to you, and by shutting YOU out to let HER in.

Call it like it is. If he can't handle the truth, that's his problem. Don't let him silence you and force you to walk on eggshells and play The Word Game just so he can feel good about cheating in his marriage.
Mulan

He IS cheating in his marriage by giving his time, energy, and emotional support to another woman instead of to you, and by shutting YOU out to let HER in.

I have tried to explain this, in MC, IC and to him in the beginning. WH feels "can have more then one friend". I get no where! Its like circles...I know and hope that someday WH is ask, I will repeat it and a lightening bolt will strike and he will understand...but I'm not holding my breath! I believe his "happy thought" is I was just acting like an "emotional female" and was just jealous so everything then got blown out of the water..so to speak.

Since I have moved out... I haven't been walking on too many eggshells. But that does give him the "escape" when he don't like what I say, he goes off and it will not be discussed again until he can explain it away....and think of something else to accuse me of!

This is not new. He new from the beginning what I thought of his EA. I'm just tired of dealing with denial. Guess I've moved on to the Anger phase...or taker... So why am I going to MC?

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: allirose89 ]</small>