Gee, my H used to joke around with me and ask, "Are you talking to your lover?" while referring to the OW (I'm the FWW). Also, my sisters used to jokingly refer to my friend as my "lovagirl" (they didn't know about the A; they just knew that she and I were extremely close).

I think that when I first started posting here, I might have referred to her as my ex-lover. I didn't know what other term to use. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

CC

BTW, I'd NEVER refer to her as my "lover" to anyone!!!!!!!!

I'll just be honest and say it. I HATE the OW being called lover. Hate it! About a month after d-day H was posting here and someone on MB gave him the name of a site where I guess WSs can talk. That was when I was still checking his e-mail and came across an e-mail he sent to this MB person. In the e-mail he was asking the MBer for the site because "He was really missing his lover." For some reason I read that e-mail again a few days ago. H forgot to erase it. Both times the word "lover" was a kick to my gut.

Why? Maybe because lover doesn't have a negative connotation. It's romantic. Maybe because the sexual betrayal is harder for me to deal with than the EA part, and lover and sex go together. So it is one more reminder that they had lots of sex. I guess I am where Mulan is. I should have remained his lover, not replaced by someone else. Seeing him put it in writing just showed me that yes, that is what H thought of her as, his lover.

Ark, just curious. What do you mean that the WS and OP use sex as a "weapon and conquest/imagined contest"? Will it help me get over the sexual betrayal to know what you're talking about. Because God knows, I need help in that area. Thanks! CV

WoW! This thread very unexpectedly triggered me! Lover? Adulterer? Big difference to me. A lover is a best friend. One you can trust. A long relationship that you build one step at a time. WITHOUT hurting anyone else in the process.

Adulterer is what a WS is. My WH told our DD he was "dating" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Are you kidding me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

IMVHO, To say Lover when WS are commiting adultery is enabling/acknowledging their actions. It is a way for the foggy WS to excuse their thievery/rape/destruction of a M and
a denial that their actions are just plain wrong!

I cannot say OWs name without choking. I cannot say they have SF. To me they are fu*****. Fu***** each other and Fu****** me and my family over.

Am I right? Yes. Do I want to save my M? Yes. Can I be right and save my M? Don't know. I do know that for me, to stuff how I feel and what this PA/EA has done, would be too damaging to me. This is not a DJ to me. THe DJ in this would be for WS to think I will accept this. A DJ would be me assuming that WS have any sense of right and wrong and morals.

I do not constantly call WH Adulterer. I do not call her his who**. But to pussyfoot around their actions by calling them lovers would make me ballistic!

I Plan A as best as I can given our distance. But to deny how the BS feels is to diminish them and their right to feel betrayed. Becasue they are Betrayed.

Of course this is just my opinion. BUt boy, this thread really threw me! Sorry don't mean to offend anyone.

CV,

Maybe your H just referred to her as his "lover" because he couldn't come up with another term? I realize how hurtful that term is and that's why I would NEVER refer to anyone as my lover, other than my H.

CC

I agree with native on this one.Let's not be so PC as to ignore the actions and definitions of those that do these things.That to me is just ridiculous.If you are in recvoery though,I think it's safe to assume that most people then refer back to using each other's names and titles(husband,wife,etc) and the OP as just the OP so as not to incite anger.But here,where many of us are not ever going to have marital recovery,well,my WH IS an adulterer,the OW IS a homewrecker and always will be.No excuses.

Lover to me now is a sickening term used by an adulterer and an OP in a sick romantic way that I just would not asscociate with.

O

TMCM, I believe it was you in Sept. 2003 when I first posted here who told me to pick up my sleeping son and follow my gut feeling to check on my H. I never did. A few days ago I found out the extent of his A. I had always believed him (sort of) that it was an EA. At that point when I posted here he was already into his 7th month of a PA. I should have hired that private detective long ago. I was stupid....but not anymore. Check out my post if you want to see what has become of my M.

I won't use the word "Lover". In fact Squid uses that as a term of endearment for me : " My lover".

"lover" is not accurate for OM either as he is right now cowering beneath his GFs righteous boot, slagging off my Squid to her every second he can so as to ingratiate himself back into her affections.

OM seems to be a 'value free' term that does not cause offense to anyone, neither BS nor WS so I use it.

In discussion I call OM 'him' or occasionally " Keith Chegwin" ( A washed up z-list UK celebrity and ex-childrens TV presenter that OM almost PERFCETLY resenbles in height, looks and physique).

One day Squid will tell me why she chose such an utterly pathetic man as a 'lover'. Until she does I am completely at a loss to know why.

Og dear this post has gotten me thinking about OM again and my wanting to damage him.

Time to go to the gym I think !!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Something just came to my mind as I was reading some more posts on this topic.

When my child makes a mistake I don't call him a "bad boy". He made a mistake, he is not bad, his actions are bad. However that said if he continues with his bad actions, he then BECOMES a bad boy.

I can forgive a mistake, a slip. However when you don't learn from your mistakes and continue with doling out the pain, that is when you become something.

I call it, MY ADLUTEROUS WIFE, in fact as much as it actually hurts ME to think it I've been kicking the term "slut" around in my mind. Of course I don't think I could use that term to WW.

I agree that "lover" is a term that has no negatives attached to it. An A is wrong and the participants are wrong, at least one of them is. And if the behavior continues those people/s become wrong and have to live with the title that is associated with their actions.

My thoughts,
Native

Why wouldn't I refer to my exWW's OM as her lover. After all, according to her he is the best lover imaginable. None better, certainly not me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Such is life in fantasyland.

Lover? Never, I could never use that term for OW. Slimeball homewrecker, yeh that's the current one. To me, the term lover denotes something good and wholesome.

Oh course, to WH "lover" is probably just fine. Wife seems to mean household appliance.

The thread was amusing to me, but also at times made the hair bristle on the back of my neck.

TMCM... I also liked what Spidey had to say about using the "friends" term. I often wondered what kind of a woman my STBX was if she could behave that way with someone who is just a friend.

But then I read your post... Ah yes,,,, the old "Friends with Benefits" My STBX has had some of those. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

EWWWWW! Another dose of reality to slap me in the face!

So the OM and I are e-mailing each other and he asked if he could call me his girlfriend.

Ya know what I told him? "We could be friends with privledges!" AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I can't believe it!!!!

I need a bath - I feel icky!