My husband is off being with the OW.Even though he says he is with his friend and will be with him the whole weekend. I know he is lying. Letting me alone with three kids. I guess I am the babysitter while they enjoy a weekend together.

This will be my first New Year's without him in over 6 years. Also it's his birthday. I guess no need to buy him anything. He has what he thinks he wants.

Course even as he was leaving he was hinting that things may end with them. Course if I say that to him he denies. He left saying "What goes around comes around."

So I guess it's just my children and me for the holiday. I have been trying to keep busy and not let it get me down. But it's hard. I can't even imagine how two people can be so addicted to each other that they don't care who gets hurt in their path. Even the children.

The strangest thing is for the last three weeks or so that distant look in my husband eyes is gone. I hardly hear any of the foggy garbage, unless we argue about her. He is back doing the little things he use to do to show he cares and he has been doing a lot of hinting about possibly trying in the future.

On the phone earlier he said that his resolution for the New Year is to be a better person. And work on himself. He said he doesn't really like himself and before he can truely love someone else he has to love himself first. Which I am all for. He said he may even go to IC.

I don't know what the new year holds for me. I see a lot of hope but I am still preparing for what I need to do. I won't go into details since I think the OW is reading my posts. But I do have a plan in place. I still love my husband. He is a good man. Just this part of him is nasty and so unloving. I hope he removes himself from the OW it is bringing him down and he is setup to lose so much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SadMarylandLady:
<strong> I hope he removes himself from the OW it is bringing him down and he is setup to lose so much. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, sadly SML you have enabled his behavior. He, I am sure, knows that he is not "set up" to lose anything. He does NOT respect you and he does not fear you have the backbone to do anything. You talk about him losing stuff? WHat stuff????????? Your actions speak volumes to him. He can do what ever he wants and you are there for him. He can even tell you he wants to be a "better man" for the future all while he gets ready to ring in the new year screwing the OW while you take care of his 3 kids. What do you say about all of this? YOu see it as hope that he wants to change <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Can you fault the OW for thinking what she does about you. You talk a lot about her, but what about you? YOu are the one who is accepting this from your husband, not her. If your daughter is in your situation 20 years from now, do you hope that she follows your current plan and mimics your actions? If you do, then I am wasting my breath here, and perhaps you should stop reading now. Do you see what I am saying?

Your posts always ring up with "I hope for a better future"...well hope is not enough. What you are doing now is not doing anything but making you be a doormat. Is this harsh by me?....Maybe, but you need tough love here. How can you expect your WH to respect you when you don't respect yourself? "Hoping" that the OW leaves him alone so that he can "come back up from being down" is sure not yielding you much now is it?

I think you are fogged yourself here, but at this point you know that, so I just will end this with a best wishes and hope for a better year for you and your children. Hopefully the new year de-fogs you and you start loving yourself and demanding better...more like humane behavior from your husband for your children. Only you can decide this, "hope" won't do anything for you here.

lemonman,

Did you read the other thread specifically to you by FaithfulNewCJ?

I suspect not...it is in GQII addressed to "sourdude/sourperson"...it is very good. It hits the nail on the head.

It explains exactly this type of post from you and how to tone it down a bit. While what you are saying makes a lot of sense..the reciever needs to be able to hear it..at a place in their own journey to absorb it.

What gets me ticked is your seeming impatience that some of these gals aren't where you think they should be, and where you think you are, so they are somehow, what, wasting your time? Their time? Their life?

As for SML, I'd say you have NO IDEA what it is like to have children, never mind being a mother. How can you judge so harshly her situation? My heart bleeds for anyone who has to deal with infidelity, but as she is giving birth? Good grief lemonman, lighten up. She is going through so much emotionally, and then the physical recovery from childbirth and 2 other children. Go give it a try, it ain't easy.

She is starting to show strength and with that she will make the choices that are right for her..not you..and then have to live with them. But, it's never to late to make new choices either.

I hate to think what you would say about my story...I've often wondered, really..it's equally tragic.

Go read that other thread...it's very good.

adding...SML..I have been following your story and think of you often. You are making progress and getting stronger all the time. There is no right or wrong way to deal with all you have on your plate right now. Just do the best you can! I guess Love busters would be wrong so be careful of them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

Happy New Year...don't let it all depend on WH. Make a few snacks for the little ones and watch a movie or something. Or nothing at all. I don't get too worried about it all....of course I can't stay awake till midnite if my life depended on it.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ..

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: marriedandlonely ]</small>

LM,
Yes what you wrote makes sense. Yes I know that I have enabled him to continue to do this to me. Yet I will always have hope. Not for my marriage but for my life in general. With or without my husband my life must go on. I fear the unknown. It's hard to let go of something you believe strongly in. Yet today before he left I let him go. I wrote him a letter basically telling him that he is free. Since all I hear is that he feels like he is in a cage.

I have been through so much in the last year. Yet I have learned so much about myself. I am becoming stronger. Yet with all that is piled on me each day I still become weak at times.

I love my husband. And it breaks my heart to have his love all those years yet take it away so quickly. Yes it's easy to say do plan B do plan B... But I just didn't feel I could handle it at that point in time. Pregnant, giving birth, raising 2 other kids and all the hormones going crazy. Believe me my patience is wearing thin. When enough is enough then I will take that step to it. And that time is nearing.

A lot of times I just come here to vent. I do not have any close friends. My husband was my best friend really. I have my mom but she has so much she is going through right now. I am sorry if it feel like I am wasting anyones time. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You are not wasting anyones time...you are here for help like everyone else. You are worthy of that. You are growing and growing...don't give up.

Hang in there..keep posting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SadMarylandLady:
<strong> LM,
Yes what you wrote makes sense. Yes I know that I have enabled him to continue to do this to me. Yet I will always have hope. Not for my marriage but for my life in general. With or without my husband my life must go on. I fear the unknown. It's hard to let go of something you believe strongly in. Yet today before he left I let him go. I wrote him a letter basically telling him that he is free. Since all I hear is that he feels like he is in a cage.

I have been through so much in the last year. Yet I have learned so much about myself. I am becoming stronger. Yet with all that is piled on me each day I still become weak at times.

I love my husband. And it breaks my heart to have his love all those years yet take it away so quickly. Yes it's easy to say do plan B do plan B... But I just didn't feel I could handle it at that point in time. Pregnant, giving birth, raising 2 other kids and all the hormones going crazy. Believe me my patience is wearing thin. When enough is enough then I will take that step to it. And that time is nearing.

A lot of times I just come here to vent. I do not have any close friends. My husband was my best friend really. I have my mom but she has so much she is going through right now. I am sorry if it feel like I am wasting anyones time. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SML:

This is where you and the other poster married and lonely are confused. I don't know where anyone said you were wasting anyone's time. DO you really think that I would spend 15 minutes writing you an opinion of how to help you if I thought you were a "worthless cause" or were "wasting my time". Why bother doing that. Do you think I am just gonna write something to "kick you when you are down"? YOu obviously don't know me do you? The previous poster in this thread has once again taken great liberties to make judgements about me in what I may be thinking. Kind of ironic heh. The exact thing she accusees me off, she does to me.

I ONLY have the best intentions of hope for you. Your situation is grave IMO and I cannot imagine having to face this in your situation. ANYONE and I mean ANYONE is gonna feel "weak" at times, as you say you do. I am offering you an opinion, you are a big girl and if you want to disregard that opinion, you should go right ahead. Youl certainly will not be hurtign my feelings. The day that "I give up on you" is the day that you don't see any responses from me in your threads.

I think maybe I should not post to you, because maybe you just need "support" posts in a different manner, and in that case, that is ok. If you are just venting, go ahead, noone is telling you to stop that. This is an open message board, so if someone (me) offers you an opinion, you don't like or disagree with, you can easily just disregard it. It is all quite easy to do.

Please don't let my message get lost in the delivery.

Good luck.

Lemon -

I think SML both wants and needs to hear what you have to offer. I am speaking for her, but if I read her correctly she would most value your words, what ever they may be.

SML -

You seem like such a nice girl (well I am 45, so you are but a girl to me) and you have so much on your plate. You are doing great and I have a great deal of respect for you. You have so much to offer to your children, your family and to others that I know you will pull through this and be the better person for it.

You know I have a niece your age who has just finished her PHD at UOM and her world is so very different from yours, but her age the same. And I wonder if she could have coped the way you have, maybe but the point is you who could be completing a degree and living the world of the single, free spirited young woman but are in fact raising three children and all while going through the worst hell anyone could imagine.

You are an inspiration to young women and don't you ever think otherwise of yourself. You are going to be just thirty soon, and look at the woman you already are. It's amazing to me. I was a selfish little biotch at your age...children?... no not me I was way too into myself for that... yuck, puke. You are who I would rather have been, way back when. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

weaver

Weaver,
Thank you so much for your kind words...you made me cry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You don't know how much I needed to hear that. I am the person who tries to put up a good front. Infront of my family I seem to be fine. I seem to be taking everything that comes my way without much pain. But inside I hurt so bad.

This whole A has brought me to a place I never thought I would be. I am so alone and scared. Yet I know that I will be ok. I have so much love to offer someone. Maybe it will be my WH maybe not. But in the end I will be ok.

LM,
I do not mind your posts. They make me see things the way they are. Even if I don't like to hear it. I need to hear it. Because usually your right on the money.

Sad,

Boundries! Read that again. Boundries!

Your husband is walking all over you, your marriage and your kids.

You need to start taking control of the situation as best you can. That may not be easy right now with the kids and all. I suggest finding some small thing you can do for yourself, some small way you can say NO to the affair. Start small. Don't bite off more than you can eat.

Also, take some time to assemble a support group. I did when my wife was having her affair, and they literally save my sanity.

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 06:55 PM: Message edited by: JustinExplorer ]</small>

Sometimes I often think that I don't have much to offer my husband. He seems to want the single life. The life this girl has to offer him.

But then I realize even if he goes with this girl. Reality will set in. He has custody of his son who is 9 who will be going with him. I think this alone will bust the fantasy they have built.

But even if I could go back to a time I was single and able to live the life of freedom. I would not change a thing. My children our my life right now. They are so sweet and innocent. And they are the ones pulling me through this each day. Without them I would be lost. I sit here holding my little baby girl. Just looking into her big brown eyes makes me forget for a short time all that is going on around me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SML..I think Justin summed up everything that "everyone" is trying to say....Boundaries. You must set them for your own sanity. Trust me darlin', I've been there and done that and it did me nothing but harm, mentally and physically. Take for example the "nomad" or "wiggles"...he informs me that he wants our marriage right...I'm supposed to be very excited and jump up and down clapping my hands. He says all the things he "thinks" I want to hear but you know...its all in the actions. Words are hollow, actions are what is the nitty gritty. So, he makes all these plans, promises, etc, etc., yet, he refuses to tell the cretin that he is leaving her to return to his wife and family, and guess where he is spending New Year's Eve...lol, you got it, with the abomination. Now, mind you I'm a bit unnerved that the "man" thought I would buy this garbage...hehehehe, so when he calls with all his pretty words, I tell him "Have a lovely month in North Carolina, my attorney will be in touch". He called me back 100x in an hour. I refused to answer the phone, he called my parents. They are under strict orders not to respond to his calls, he starts cell phones, then my sister, brother-in-law, etc. All were given the orders NOT to talk to him. The moral is...Respect yourself SML....the only way he will respect you is if you do so first. Pardon my French, but screw his plans...only your children and your plans matter now, what he does is insignificant, unless it is a very strong and convicted effort to work as a team to save your marriage.

Good Luck

My intention with my post was not to assume that SML doesn't want to hear what LM has to say...only that her post to me was just sadness. She sounded to me like she was incredibly hurt by what had just transpired at her home and now she was alone and sad because she will be without WH for New Years.

She, like the rest of us, needs to hear it like it is. She has heard it and is getting stronger all the time (my perception from her posts). It seemed like a time for a hug (which I didn't offer either) not a good ole' "you brought this on yourself" 2x4 . JMO of course.

I am sorry my frustration came out so strongly. (I don't have a very soft way with words...)
I apologize if I hurt anyone...and Lemonman, I in no way want you to stop posting either.

Faithful CJ said it very well....I only wish I could be so eloquent.

Thanks for listening.

P.S. SadMarylandLady....How are you today? I'm still thinking of you and wishing you well.

I woke up today angry. I thought I would be sad and thinking about them all day but actually I haven't. I have been trying to block the thoughts of them together out.

This morning when I woke up the baby's one eye was almost swollen shut. I called the doctor and they thought it would be best to bring her in to take a look. It was so hard getting everyone together in a hour. I had to drag all three kids with me. Then came more anger. Here he is doing whatever with his little college girl while I am here being responsible and living the life we both wanted.

This is it. No more of this crap. I am a person, his wife and the mother of his children. You do not treat someone like this. He can say I am causing my own pain or whatever. But he just doesn't want to accept the fact that he is doing things he never thought he would do and passing the blame onto me.

I know tonight will be hard for me. My parents are coming down later and spending the night. Then they are going to make New Year's dinner here tomorrow. In a way I want them to but in another way I just want to be alone. To crawl into bed and drown away in my tears.

SML,

Get a grip, SML. Stop crying. LOTS of people spend New Year's Eve alone. Really not a big deal.

Invite a few friends over for an impromptu party with champagne. Potluck.

Get a book you've been dying to read for ages.

Yes, with three kids ... can't imagine it. But the hard part of this NY's is that you are imagining THEM, with no responsibilities, having fun.

You have no idea what kind of a time they are having -- a thousand posters here will tell you it's not what you think. So concentrate on SML and her friends. Who would you like to have over tonight? Who else, for example, can't go out because they have kids? Have them bring their kids -- and a dish.

It's not that I am spending New Years alone. I could careless about that. I never really was into the big celebrations in the past. It's like you said.. Thinking about them alone together and doing whatever they want because they have nothing holding them back. They are living in their little fantasy bubble.

My parents will be here soon. I don't really have any friends to invite over. And most of my family lives far away. My SIL invited me to a New Years party but I don't know if I want to go. I know everyone will be asking where my husband is at and I know I will just break down into tears. I think for me just getting a book and reading till I fall asleep early will be the best thing.

I guess I wonder if he is even thinking of us. Does he have any guilt or remorse for what he is doing. Or are we just totally out of his mind.

Don't think about him.

MAKE a few friends, then. In the next few days (if not tonight) invite someone over. You'll be surprised how much pain there is out there.

Declare war on self-pity. Right now, that's your No. 1 enemy. I'm not saying it's not justified -- just counterproductive.

SML,

I feel for you. I'll be alone for New Years. Last year, I had to work on New Years Eve, he told me he was going out with some buddies. I trusted him completely. I actually took my break a couple minutes before midnight, so I can call him to welcome in 2004. All I got was his voice messaging service. I tried several times before the whole world was trying to do the same thing and no longer could get through.

I thought he might be in loud bar and couldn't hear his phone, instead he was kissing the OW at the stroke of midnight. Seven days later I found out about the A, only because OW told her H about the A. (The OWH filed for DV the next day) I felt like a fool dialing my little fingers off while he was busy kissing another woman.

This year, he is living in Las Vegas with the OW and gets to ring in the New Year once again with her. It breaks my heart. Fifteen years together and now I'm an afterthought. I'm trying to stay positive, thinking of it as new beginning for me, 2005 has to be better year than 2004. This year has been the worse year of my life but I'm a survivor and so are you. Find strength in the love of your children and think that this coming year will be fill with much more happiness than sorrow.

I too, still love my WH, I know he is a good man and he is being malipulated by the OW. (these women don't care about who they hurt to get what they want) That is why we have to be strong and positive and be very supportive of one another. Remember what goes around comes around. Keep the faith.

Went out shopping <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Haven't been able to do that for awhile. Got some nice clothes. Felt good getting into clothes that are smaller than I have been in for years. Also bought lots of books to keep myself busy for awhile.

Everytime a memory or thought of my husband drifts into my head I think about something else or start to do something to keep busy.

I think I will just end up going to bed early and forget the whole ringing in the New Year thing. I am doing much better than I thought I would. It's hard but I am going to make it through.

2004 Was probably the hardest year of my life. I never imagined being where I am today. My husband was a BS in his first marriage. He knows the pain I am going through. Yet he seems to forget the pain and willingly puts another through it.

Tonight though sad I can rest peacefully. He on the other hand has to lay his head down knowing how much pain he is causing his children, family and wife. He has to deal with the man he has become. There are still times he is the wonderful husband I knew. And maybe one day he will decide to change and be the man that promised me so much. I don't know. But I know that I cannot continue in his chaos anymore.

I can sleep fine knowing I am doing all I can. I am the one here being responsible for three children while he is running off like some horny teenager. I am the one showing our kids love and stablity. He has done many things he will one day regret. I have not hurt anyone. I feel sorry for him actually. His eyes are so blind he cannot even see the man he has become.

I look forward to the coming year. Even though 2004 was the worst year of my life. I can make 2005 a better year no matter who is by my side. My prayer tonight is for God to show me the path I am to take and to give me the strength to follow it.

Happy New Year everyone. Thank you all for your support, encouragement and prayers in 2004. It's nice to know that even people you haven't met do care.

SML...aren'a WS just ugh!!!...lol. I was so where you were and I feel so bad for you. There is a big party going on around me, but somehow in spite of my party spirit, something is still missing. His father called today, after 2 years and told me that his "son" really wants to work on the marriage....where is he tonight??? Guess with OW..."he" really wants the marriage huh? But you are doing the right thing...plan and look forward to the New Year...2005 is going to be great for you. You will overcome this and you will grow into a person you will not imagine; people who respect and admire you will respect your resilience and your spirit...not to mention your endurance. It is a painful process SML and if you ever want to talk, please feel free to e-mail me at **edit** I'm here...thinking about 2005...would love to chat.