Nikko, A line in that book says to chose to see the BS anger as a sign of love. I fully understand that, because if s/he did love the FWS they wouldnt be hurting.

I have kept that in mind almost the whole time. If she didnt love me this wouldnt hurt her so much. I have tried to avoid an emotional response to her words, but then she tells me Im being cold.

How do you go about getting the FBS to see that the FWS isnt being cold, just trying to keep emotions in check?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do you go about getting the FBS to see that the FWS isnt being cold, just trying to keep emotions in check?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well...first I guess I'd want to know why you're trying to keep your emotions in check ?

I would seriously consider this..and speak to Dawn about it.

Let me tell you something my FWH told me right around the time we committed to recovery...

he told me he wasn't going to claim he had all the answers, and he wasn't going to try to stake claim into knowing what we should or shouldn't do...afterall...it was much to his OWN misjudgements that lead us down this path.

BUT...he asked me to work WITH him..and that he knew I'd have to be strong....because we would need to lean upon each other in times of need.

He said if I spent too much time "down and out"...I wouldn't be able to extend anything to HIM...if HE needed help.

BEFORE ANYONE 2X4s me...you should all realize by now..I'm not one to take up sides...BS/WS...I'm a firm believer in hard work by both in recovery. It's an equal playing field. It's not about "making up the betrayal"...there's nothing that can be done to "make this up to the BS"...but it's what actions you take NOW..that are of importance.

For the good of your M, your R.

Hang in there John.

ok----the oposite of love isnt hate. its indifference. dont forget that. if the spouse was indifferent at d-day---they would pack up, say thanks for freeing me, see ya and never look back. she cares, we know she cares...dont forget that or buy into the anger.

ok...onto the question...about keeping your emotions in check......if you knew my sitch(its so old you cant even look it up anymore..lol) you would know how funny it is to be asking me that question.LOLOL

the first counselor my husband talked to described him this way to me...you know those mechanical pets you buy for kids...they look like dogs or cats, can learn instructions and commands....but they are just emotionless???? well, thats your husband! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

and god forgive me if she wasnt and isnt to this day spot on..lol. i live with an emotionally crippled human being due to his history. so what im gonna tell you is simple.....dont protect her or you by keeping your emotions in check. just make sure your showing her the right ones.

when she comes at you, your natural instinc is to defend and get angry. normal but not really gonna help your marriage.(lets throw justify in there with them). what you have to keep in mind is the end goal....im sure you feel guilt, right? im sure you feel sorrow, right? im sure you feel love, right? show her these. when she comes at you in anger---you answer in love.Period! let her see your remorse, your hurt and pain also. then show her your strength...be her hero! pick her up when she is down. reassure her with all youve got---your life is depending on it. dont waver.

i hope this helps

binj

Its about keeping enotions in check when faced with an AO or rejection by the FBS.

Basicly trying to as it said " Fueling the fire".

John...
Do you consider yourself someone that keeps their emotions in check ?

I think I see something here.

Nikko,

When she is like she was yesterday she says I am hurt because of her actions and not my own.

Interesting...nikko is hitting on the same idea I picked up on.

John...in one of your threads..you said that you wished she yell, scream, SOMETHING...but was uncomfortably calm about these situations.

Have you ever stopped to consider that in your attempt to remain calm, you may be appearing "distant"?

This sounds familiar to me...I think I've walked this road once.

For years I have had a problem showing or voicing negitive emotions. I have started to address that in the past few months though.

Do you think she'd be interested in emailing someone ?

Maybe a less public forum ?

Someone that's been there ?

Someone anonymos ?

If you think she'd go for it..maybe she can email me...give her a sounding board ?

I'm willing to do whatever I can to help her.

when did i say show her negative emotions????

ok---another conflict avoider......lol

that is also hubbys title....the king lol

work on that but right now i want you to show her love and compassion...NO MATTER WHAT IS FLYING AT YOUR HEAD!!!LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

you are to do this weather she is hurting you or you did something or no matter what...got it?

Helmet and armor are on. No need for ducking or dodging.

I know everything she throws at me I deserve. I am able to do pretty good infront of her. I dont start faultering until I am alone. Then the doubts set in. Then I get smacked around by people on here, pull myself up by the bootstraps and get ready for the next round.

good----but you wont deserve it forever! thats the good news. once you do the things to gain trust and respect and be consistent, you will no longer deserve the anger. that is where i think the book helps the ws. to gain the faith that they've done all they can and stand proud. having that kind of pride is empowering.

yes you do have to work on addressing(notice i didnt say confronting..lol) negative feelings. but right now she may not be as open to it. work on rebuilding whats in the book.
i hope you realize im not trying to bash you or 2x4 you, its just so important to do it right from the start...makes so much more easier in the long run.

when did i say show her negative emotions????

You never said that.

When she lashes out at me like that, she EXPECTS a negitive reaction. When she doesnt get it she says Im cold because Im not hurting.

I think mine goes deeper then your " Normal" CA. Its related to abuse I suffered when I was a child, and the eventual outcome of it.

ok----when she does this she isnt looking for you to be angry back---she is looking for a response----respond with support and love. dont get into anger with her. i believe the book says that.

now---as far as the conflict avoidance...my husband has been stuffing and avoiding for 35 yrs. i know what the worst case scenario looks like----i live with it. we are going to a therapist on sunday.....this will be our fifth..at least. he has avoided to the point of he would rather loose me and our two sons than face it. he may get that wish...im three yrs past d-day and waiting for the most basic of things to happen or any of my needs to be met. am i healing---yes, alone. its sad really--even after all hes done i am still here trying to get him to do something, anything. ive seen him loose his family, friends, carreer and now maybe us because of his avoidance. the fact that you are even here looking for help lets me know you arent even close to being in his catagory.(good for you)

so nothing you say about CA or passive aggresiveness is gonna shock me.

how far into the book are you?

About half way. I keep going back to certian parts and rereading them.

ok---i go off to sleep and no one jump sin here.LOL

do you understand why i want you to let her see your anguish--not anger....very different. she will eventually realize your in pain too---and it will matter to her. the initial is gonna be hard to hear but most bs's want their ws to hurt. hurt just like them. and they want to see it. they want to have proof---they dont want to keep hearing from a very calm person telling them they are in pain. it doesnt add up to them. does that make sense. she will eventually pass this stage---we all do.

the worst thing you could do id say it didnt mean anything....to a bs that translates to...

"i destroyed you to the very core for nothing. you didnt even matter enough to me to realize that."

so lets wotk on her not feeling that way...and if you have allready said that or given her that impression we can change it.

if you want to discuss what part of the book you keep going back to let me know...if you keep going back it may be because you dont agree or dont like what it is saying. we can work on that.

oh crap--killed another one!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey nikko,

You are a pretty cool chick. And what did you kill anyway? I am not seeing anything dead laying around. Not even a smell or anything. Lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

John, I am going to email Dawn again and let her know that BIJ would be willing to be a sounding board. Me too for that matter. Hope you don't mind BIJ or John or Dawn. I feel like I am going off half cocked here or something. Hope to reach out to another struggling BS is all.

And John I hope you don't feel to beat up around here. You are one of the good guys. Don't forget that.

Tiggy

And John I hope you don't feel to beat up around here. You are one of the good guys. Don't forget that

If I was one of the good guys I wouldnt be here.

Dont worry, I dont feel beat up very often.

you are one of the good guys.
good guys do dumb things sometimes.

If Dawn wants to email me, please give her my addy.

I've had a bit of a tough time again this past 24 hrs. Not DFW related...much further back...but he of course takes the brunt of it. Cause he's one of the good guys too.

(((john & dawn)))