Hey everyone...it's been awhile...but after the false recovery FWW 2nd move out on 10/31 and me hanging with her during her resent kidney removal surgery...she told me Tuesday evening she still isn't sure she should move home or not? Says she loves me...misses her home, and when asked if she had days to live she would want to be with me...I'm truly tired and don't see her making any effort to save our marriage...I told her tonight that we need to make plans to end this. She moved out last Feb...and after ammitting of a EA that turned into a PA she stopped contact and moved back from July to Oct. but she had never committed to counceling or wanting to go to see anyone for help...I think...I want to start the new year different. Any thoughts?

Hi Welderboy, I am sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some great insight or advice for you. I am actually going throught the very beginnings of all this type thing. I don't know where I will be in a couple of years. But right now I would take back WH in a flash. One reason your post caught my attention is that he is a welder, and machinist. He works at power plants, and he has been in NJ working at a nuke plant for the past 3 months, where he met the OW. I will pray for you to know what to do, TTM

Thanks...we both need prayer. I work in the chemical industry...same type welding as in the nuke plants. There must be some unmet need your husband has...do you both know the others needs? My wife didn't take my physical need serious and paid more attention to her Mom that me...I pulled away witch then let to OM meeting her emontional need of just talking and listening that let to the physical part. I somehow thought that going thru the health promblems etc. would let the Lord put things in order...she now is only wanting to get well...to begin her work again. I've not ever been first...she even admits to her Mom being the one she loves most. Thanks and peace be with you.

Thank you. Yes, he told me that when he came home from being out on the road he felt like he was "intruding". Oh how sorry I will be for that forever.

BUT he was usually here all summer, when I would cook dinner nearly every night, make his lunches when he wanted, cook breakfast, etc. Support his hobbies (as well as go into debt for them). One big thing I realize I did and should NOT have done is put our child before our marriage, and what the HELL can I do about that now???

The 3 months he's been gone on this job, I realized my mistakes and have rectified them, then I found out about his A with OW. He says it's too little, too late. I had in essence done a 180 while he was gone, but now he doesn't want any part of it. Well, when he was here for those 6 days, we ML (well, actually, just raw SF) 3 times.

So I want to know if he can do that, how can he not still be attracted to me in some way, especially since he kept telling me how good I looked? AND I bet he lied to OW about our having sex. (He is a BS'er by nature). Anyway, we did have normal relations at least 3-4 times a week before, so I know it wasn't that. I am so confused and angry, to know he is up there wining and dining and spending money on HER, and basically living a new fantasy life while I am here takind care of the bills and house and OUR CHILD day in and day out.

I told him tonight I wish I could run away to a new fantasy life! He didn't reply, probably made him mad. I am so sorry you are feeling put aside, I think my WH felt this way too, and HE was the one to have the A. THe thing is, our D has never even seen us fight, so she will be in for the greatest shock of her life. "WHat happened?" If I wasn't a believer, I don't know how I'd get throug this. Thanks for your advice and suggestions, TTM

Welderboy,

Only you can decide what you want, but don't let the date influence you. If we used a different calendar, it might just be another day, and what then?

Where is OM in all this?

And where is Welderboy?

Does the presence or absence of OM have anything to do with what you want?

Remember now, I would support you wanting to keep your marriage. For many of us, our marriages are worth our efforts for quite a while. We have attachments, and we have faith in our wayward partners despite their behavior. But there comes a time, different for each of us... when preserving that attachment is no longer something that works for us.

Just remembeer, giving up means all your memories, all the beliefs you had in your future with her, are discarded.

What is it they say? There comes a time when you must give up the life you planned in favor of the one that truly lies before you.

Has that time come for Welderboy? Really has it?

GC

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 01:30 AM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

GC...thanks for your reply. In my heart, I want a future with Deb, but...I'm so spent on wanting something that she seems to just keep dissapointing me with her reply of not knowing what she wants. As for OM, she would say NC....but she only knows that one. Everyday brings new light....maybe the best thing for me is to relax and be cool for a few days...

I know how you feel. I want a future with my wife too. But such a thing is doubtful. And honestly, at this point, losing her would be easier. And having fought my best, I can live with myself as that outcome looms before me.

There must come a time when Deb not knowing what she wants no longer cuts it for you.

But you have to decide when that time has come. It doesn't mean the end, necessarily, but it might. And you need to be able to handle that.

Waiting a few days, that sounds good. But not so many. You need to have a plan. You don't need to be a slave to it, but a plan is good to have.

GC

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 02:20 AM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

I just got called out to work...I'll check in later. Thanks all.

Ditto for the plan...

Time comes when you have to make up your own mind and then hope the other pieces fall into place... but be prepared if they don't.

All the best,

Miker

Well, last night I sent her my e letter telling her of how I felt...she is here tonight visiting and asking me if she can try again...Time will show me if she is for real or not...

It's now day 4....we are still home together,1 day at a time I guess. Part of me was ready to be done, but I think this is what I'd been working for from the beginning.