I recently DV and I started looking at these personal sites. I kinda met this lady on there and I thought she was DV also. Well, it turns out she is separated. Her husband has been shacked up with someone else. They have been apart for about a year. She's ready to move on but can't afford a DV and her husband won't pay for it either. I thought I'd never get involved in a situation like this after going through what I've been through, but I'm really starting to like this person... My question is, should I pursue this or should I run like heck?!!! I just don't want to get too attached and then have the world crumble around me, but then, what if she turns out to be 'the one'... So, let the 2x4s come. Maybe I shouldn't even be looking at this early time anyway...

Its been about a year and a half since my ex left me. I've been pretty darn lonely since then. I was doing good though, but then this had to happen. I'm not sure what I want either. I still wish deep down my ex would call back, but I doubt seriously that'll happen. I don't really want to get into a rebound relationship, but I ache for female companionship. My DV was only a few days ago and I never really thought I'd jump into anything this soon, especially this soon... Need advice quick...

Well you're divorced so really you are ok to find a SINGLE someone where you want to,if you are ready, EXCEPT, it may not be wise where this lady is not yet divorced.

Now you need not cut off contact completely right away but I would be very very cautous as like you said you dont want to end up being the OM to some other bloke do you??? Not even innocently.

What about some careful probing e.g. can there be a legal separation in their state, if so why not sought?
Search out in her state what the divorce costs are...maybe she is not aware of it? things like that.

And remember SHE may not want anything but friendship right now for those reasons anyway.

Just be so careful and if you can't get satisfactory answers or something does not feel right...yes run like He11
plenty of fish in the sea for a bloke who is honest, straight forward and only wants ONE woman. Man they should be lining up!!

All the best

May not be what you want to hear but you did ask....

If she is not DV, then she is STILL MARRIED, regardless if she's separated or not.

This, in my opinion, if you start a relationship with her, she is having an affair and you are the OP. Not the way I'd want to start a relationship.

LL

Agree with LL... if she's married she's married! Are you 100% sure she is telling you the whole truth about her situation? How many of our WS's started out their A's by telling OP some story that justified the A?

D's don't have to be that expensive particularly when there is already a seperation of property and if her and here H have been split up that long that should be the case.


I'm sure I would be as lonely as you if my M had not survived but you don't want to get burnt. You don't have to end all contact just don't get in to deep until she is single.

Best of luck to you and ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aussieswife, lordslady, and Mr. E, thank you for responding... I'm not sure still where to go with this... You're right, she still is married and I definately don't want to be the OM. I'm not sure if she will get the DV or not. I guess I need to do a little more probing. I don't want to put anyone else through what I went through. I just don't know why it had to be this way to begin with, is someone upstairs trying to teach me another lesson or something? Either that or I just attract the wrong kind of people... I hope the new year will bring me answers.

{{LWH}},

You are not in any shape to be getting into a new relationship right now.I have followed your posts for the past year and we have posted to each other off and on.You are hurting and lonely,yes,it's very apparent.But you also still hope that your XWW will call back.You "ache" for female companionship.I really can sympathize with how you are feeling LWH but you have the potential to be in a major rebound situation and I wouldn't want you to get hurt all over again.

You need to get to a point where it doesn't hurt to be alone first before starting up another relationship.Otherwise I just feel like you are going to need SO much from which ever new woman you come across that she may run for the hills.You need to heal LWH.You just got D'd.You should not be anywhere near a "separated" woman either.YOU KNOW how cryptic that is.What really is going on with this woman you met and her husband is anyone's guess.Please back away.DO NO MORE PROBING.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I kinda met this lady on there and I thought she was DV also. Well, it turns out she is separated.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did she "kinda" imply she was divorced? Or, did she out-and-out lie to you?

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LwH wrote:
I still wish deep down my ex would call back, but I doubt seriously that'll happen.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So this lady that you're seeing who is still MARRIED .... what makes you think she doesn't feel the same about her WH?

As someone else said, regardless if she is separated she is STILL MARRIED.

In addition, your divorce is VERY fresh, even though you state you've been separated for 1+ years .... your statement up above clearly indicates you are not ready to date.

JMHO.

God Bless,
Jo

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Hmmm. I would run like heck, if I were you. You might send her a polite note saying that you don't date married people and you wish her well. Heck, you could even point her to MB or one of the other marriage sites to help support her marriage.

But date her? Well, I wouldn't.

I have a cousin who's been physically separated from her husband for two years, legally separated for almost a year, and is now trying to figure out how to afford the divorce. She's dated some, and she finds that she can't really do it on a sustainable level -- the ties to her husband are still there.

I suggested that she wait until she was truly divorced, and I think she's finally realized that she can't move on fully until the old marriage is laid to rest and there's been a funeral and a wake and some mourning.

This lady is probably pretty similar. Don't be taken in by her saying that she can't afford it. She probably can -- filing fees are usually very low. It's more likely that it's the emotional investment that's problematic, rather than the financial.

Well, I asked for the 2x4s... I know you all are right. Hi Octobergirl, its nice to hear from you. I know... I realize I shouldn't be doing this right now. I even was giving a friend of mine a bunch of crap for rebounding after his DV. I just needed some male ego boost or something and this lady gave me this. I guess I should run now though...

I am in the military and have been for a long time. The longer you are in and higher rank you become, the smaller your peer group gets. I work with many people close to half my age. In fact, I think one of my coworkers was born about the same time I joined the service... That said, I don't have a lot of contact with people my own age. It is hard for me to make friends with people in my age group. I guess the online dating thing interested me because I could "mingle" with people my own age. I guess I got caught up in the fun and newness of the freedom I now have. And I guess I'm being dumb in the way I'm using it...

Pepperband, I have read many of your posts... You seem always to the point and very intelligent. It almost makes me mad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But, you are usually right... Well, she kinda implied she was DV. Her profile said DV in the marrital block... I don't think she would have told me different if I had not asked questions...

Resilient, I don't know if she still has feelings for her husband. I think she is still very hurt by it all in what she has told me about the situation. Am I ready to date? Probably not, but like I posted above, this lady certainly has given my ego a boost... I just ache for companionship.

Just J, I like the comparison with your cousin you used... Though I'm DV now, I still haven't laid my marriage to the grave yet, fully... And you are probably right, I'm sure she hasn't moved past all this either. As for affording a DV. I don't know. I live in Alaska and we have a little different type of DV available here, its called a dissolution. Where both parties agree to everything and it only cost about $150 with now laywer fees... I know this lady is living paycheck to paycheck raising 2 kids. I know how hard that is because I'm doing the same... Whether she wants a DV or not, I'm not sure about. And if she could afford it, maybe she would get the DV. I don't know... I guess I need to get my head on straight before I do anything else...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pepperband, I have read many of your posts... You seem always to the point and very intelligent.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It almost makes me mad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">... I think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ~LOL~

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well, she kinda implied she was DV. Her profile said DV in the marrital block...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here's some advice... any person less than truthful about something as important as their marital status ... is a person who you should not honor with your trust.

Be careful. Hold yourself to a very high standard ... you're worth it.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If it's only $150, then one can always find a way. That's a small enough amount that you can borrow it from a parent... or not buy beer for a few weeks... or decide to do without that diet soda you buy at work every day (five months later, you have enough money for the divorce). It may seem insurmountable, but it's not. It might take all of six months to pull it together if you empty your pockets of your pocket change each day. Heck, you could have a bake sale and get enough money to do it.

That she hasn't tells me that it's not the money. It's the emotional cost of doing it. And that means that she's not done being married yet.

It may be that you're not done being married yet either. That's all right. It takes a while and it takes some pain. And even when you're mostly done there are pieces that last for what seems like forever.

Don't rush it. Military or not, you'll find people when it's time to find people. If you want to meet people your own age, find out what those folks do... and then go meet the men in that age range. Develop some friends who can support you. And let the friendships with women come later, when you're a bit more secure. You'll be just fine. Really.

(First a quick little threadjack: "Hi, Just J!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

lost-without-her:

I have two thoughts for ya:

#1--RUN LIKE HECK!! You know in your heart of hearts that this lady is still married, even if they have been living apart. When a person is truly single, the divorce is final AND there has been sufficient time to mourn the death of the M and recover personally. For example, in my case, we were separated for a year, D was final 5-23-03, and I took a year and a half off to get myself and life and my kids "settled." I am JUST NOW thinking that I might be ready to actually be a good partner in a relationship. Sooooo...I know you are lonely and miss the companionship of a lady, but be a hero and do the right thing...be honorable.

#2--Sometimes I think instances like this occur to those of us who were BS so that we have a little compassion and understanding for our WS's. I'm not be righteous here--just that now that you have started to develop feelings for a person when you were so lonely and none of your needs had been met in so long...I bet you can somewhat sympathize a little with how it feels to be a WS. Your head knows it's wrong, but you don't WANT to give it up. You FEEL something, finally, and it feels good too!

Yep, personally I think these things occur just to remind us BS's that the WS's aren't monsters--they are just human beings.


CJ

Just J, she doesn't live in Alaska. I don't know what the cost is in her state... And I'm not sure she's ready for DV either...

FaithfulNewCJ, I do know, sorta, what a WS feels. Its like going out with the guys and dancing with someone strange. Alot of feelings mount, but then 'you go home' because that's where you belong... Yes, I just want to feel that way all the time, but I know I can't right now...

It's funny, I wanted to check out the competition on the personal site I go to and guess what? There's ex's OM... You know how that makes me feel? I'm glad this year is almost over... It can't get much worse!!!!