Hello all of my MB buddies. What a wonderful little community we have created for ourselves over here. This place held me in my darkest hours, when my heart was so low it felt as if it had dropped out of my body. I was so overwhelmed by betrayal, my own anger and shame and disbelief. When I look back on this day a year ago, it is very dark indeed.

A year ago, my life seemed over, doomed, it seemed I had lost everything I valued ~ my H, my family whole and together, my best friend (both of them).

On 12/30, last year, my H went to cousel with his mother. I was convinced she would tell him to stay with the M. She told him to do what he needed to do to be happy. He came home that night and told me he was leaving me and the boys. I begged him. I tried to remind him of our commitments to each other, our promises. He said, "I felt that way then, and I feel this way now."

He spent that night, begrudgingly, because the weather was so bad, I didn't want him driving after dark to his parents' house in the dark in the mountains. On this morning one year ago, my H wouldn't get out of bed. He was supposed to go sledding with the boys. His mother told me to take him to the ER and she would meet us there, that he was suicidal.

I dragged him off our closet floor, took him in a blizzard, to the ER. And that is where he confessed the PA to me. And made it clear that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I was devestated. The A was with my former best friend, so I called my aunt. I was too embarassed/ashamed to tell anyone else.

She came and got me from the hospital, and we went home and packed up some stuff and spent the night with her, brought in the New Year with her family, as best I could for the boys. My H went to a halfway house for 5 days. All I got from him during that time was anger, rage, blame, a horrible horrible time.

Then he moved to his parents' house. He clearly had no interest in my at all. Unfortunately for him, the OW dumped him after D-day, because he had "betrayed" her by telling me (they had agreed to never tell). She still took his phone calls, returned his emails, and gave him mixed signals. I don't think she wanted him, but I don't think she wanted him to come home to me, either. I still don't know her motivations, and I never will.

The drive to the mountains was brutal, so I told H to get himself an apartment. He LEPT at the opportunity, which broke my heart. He ate through our savings, all extra cash, with his apartment each month. It cost almost as much as our house payment! He said he wanted to be close to the boys, which is why he chose where he lived, but it is a small community and he was also very close to OW.

Ugh, then there were Scout issues to deal with! That was a pickle, I tell you. And can still be the source of arguments. We both understand the others' point, but it is hard to tell which would have been worse. OW's S and my Ss were both in H's Scout patrol, he is the leader. I didn't think my boys should be around him and her (even though they pretended nothing had happened, I thought that was messing with my boys' heads! They knew he loved her, yet they pretended nothing was different), and H didn't think it would be good for us to change Troops. Keep what normalcy in the boys' lives that was left. It is a tough call.

Anyway, in February, H agreed to "group counseling," otherwise known as MC. He couldn't say anything that implied he wanted our M. It was almost comical ~ thank goodness we can laugh about it now. At first he was going to make the D better.

Then in March, I was finally able to move forward again with my life. I realized I can only control me, I didn't want a D, and I was going to take my time alone to do things I needed to do. Like figure out what I like to do. Figure out how to communicate more effectively. Figure out what I want from my M. Basically I prepared myself for 1)H returning home and rebuilding the M, or 2)how to have a successful relationship after the one with my H had ended.

And just like everyone here says, that is when it all turned around. H and I went to MC for 8 months. We have a new, better M, and we are both more committed to it and each other than ever. We understand what a healthy M is, we understand that we each as individuals need to be healthy to support our new M.

And this year, I am bringing it in with my family, whole, complete, happy. And I wouldn't have it any other way. We all worked very hard for this.

All of you out there, your sitch looks hopeless, it seems that it cannot ever right itself, know that it CAN. Follow the MB program, work on YOU, post here, seek answers, seek knowledge, read read read. Keep your hope if you feel it ~ don't give it up to people who doubt.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Spidey

Congratulations SS. That is a big change in just a year.

I'm so happy for you and your family. You are truly a wonderful person, wife and mother. Your advice to me this year has been invaluable and got me through some of my darkest moments. Best wishes and happy new year to you!

Thanks, ff, yes, a lot has changed this past year. A lot of growth, both personal and in our M.

Kloe, thank you. I wish you would post more about your own sitch. I get little glimpses here and there when I read you post to others, but . . . please give us an update on your own thread. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are donig what you believe is right for you and your family. You don't have to be working on your M actively to post here. Just hanging out and enjoying each other is wonderful. Please post. I think you are doing wonderfully.

Spidey

Hey there SS!

Boy,I remember those tough days you had and I was also trying to remember what your old screen name was.Lol.Oh well,not really important.I am SOOOO happy that you are in recovery and doing well! It's great to hear some happy endings here once in a while to remind us that there is hope and that is why we are here.

*Happy New Year* to you and your family too and the best of all that life has to offer!!

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you, O. My old screen name was Amy Maree. Then I became concerned that my FWH was reading here. I remember, I think Star, asked me if H would recognize my name if he was reading here.

Uh, YEAH! So, I changed it. Just so happened that the night before, I had faced one of my worst fears (#2 behind losing H), and killed a HUGE spider that was right by my headboard in my bedroom. And I took care of it all by myself, so that I could sleep. If I had let that spider go, I wouldn't have slept for a LONG time in that bed.

And I remember when I chose that name, I think it was YOU that was concerned I was slaying all the spiders in the world. I think your house is strict "catch and release?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyway, my H catches and releases. I am too chicken to hold them. The one time I tried to overcome my fear, I was about 10. My friend had me hold a spider she had caught. It was crawling on my hand, a little hairy black one, and I was thinking, "Hey, this isn't so bad." Then it JUMPED onto my FACE!!!

Yeah, didn't get rid of my fear on that day. And I let them be if they are just hanging out ANYwhere besides right next to my BED.

Thanks for thinking of me, and remembering, O.

Spidey

EEEK! I don't like spiders either but I also was a squasher way back when.Then,I started to feel badly about killing one of God's creatures and then I decided to start putting them outside.Yeah,I hope I didn't make you feel guilty or anything .HA! Of course,I have no problem killing flies and mosquitos.I wonder....Not there yet with the compassion for flies,mosquitos or OW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


O

Slayer,

Thanks for the encouraging post.

-AD

SS,
Thanks for all the wonderful encouragement and advice you have given me over the last few months. Your situation has always given me hope even when there seems like there isn't any.

You are wonderful woman. With a big heart and good advice. I just need to learn to listen to it. Instead of holding onto fear of the unknown.

Have a Happy New Year!!!!! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I posted this in recovery also:

Spidey, I have seen many of your posts and I don't think I've ever replied to any of them but this one I just had to!

I have never seen a post that marks a dday anniversary in the fashion you have. Usually dday is a time for horrible memories to flood your life. You have taken a very different and refreshing attitude about this day. A celebration that you have made your M work for another year!

Our one year anniversary of dday isnt for another 9 months or so, god I hope we can view it with your clarity!

Kudo's to you Spidey..Your AMAZING!

SS,

I am so proud of you and for what you've done to restore your marriage. You are truly one of the success stories! It's so good to read that things are continuing to get better and better for you.

And I'm darned proud of you for squishing that spider that day, too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (Sorry O, I'm an animal "softie" and I feel compassion for some mighty weird things, but if the spider is in my house, that was it's mistake! It should have known to stay outside where I won't mess with it.)

LL

Happy New Year !

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />