The hits keep coming! Now, my WxW is engaged to OM. She keeps trying to make nice with me and the friends she abandoned or used during the A, but she doesn’t get it. You can’t do wrong by people and pretend it didn’t happen. I’m working on release and forgiveness, but news like this hurts. Fog or no, to feel such loss and to have my WxW and OM party to the altar (with my kids in tow) feels unjust.

It takes everything in me not to wish them ill. Focus on me and the boys, I must.

Things’ll get better, they must. But damn.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi dlc,

Sorry to hear about this news.I wonder if your XW will take the OM to the concert now? YUCK.I guess that's why I would not be friendly with your XW if I were in your shoes.I know you are trying to forgive and be nice to her but she is in her own selfish world and now "happily" engaged to the homewrecking OM.Whoopee.

I don't wish my WH ill will( I do for the OW still,argh) but what helps me is just not being anywhere near WH and his painful actions and statements.Things will get better if you disconnect from your X and all that she is doing.

O

Fight for as much custody as you can get.

Pep

dlc

please let it all go now. Stay away from her, dont speak to her except for emergency with kids.
Anything else let her send it to you inwriting or email or something else..just completely cut yourself off from contact its just hurting you too much.

Forgive her within yourself, if its whats good for you but stay away, dont even try to be friendly. You dont need it or deserve it.

Start 2005 off with a firm decision to not see her or talk to her except child contact and avoid that if possible...perhaps friend could be there to hand them over on visits etc.

Go find someone worthy of you.


wish you the best for 2005

I don't know your whole story, but am going through something much the same. I don't think it really works to be friends in these situations as much as we'd like to try and especially if you have kids. Be civil, but limit contact. I get tremendously hurt every time I try and be friendly.

The behavior is manipulative and selfish. I agree with Pepperband. Get as much custody as you can. I have an odd perspective on all of this b/c the first person I dated post divorce told me after a few dates that the reason his marriage had ended was that he'd had an affair with a co-worker when his wife was home with a 6 month old and 2 year old. I immediately stopped dating him, but we've kept an email communication open almost strictly about my exH's affair, his affair, what's happened since, etc. Long way of getting to this...sorry for the digression...anyway, he told me that it took having his xW (the betrayed spouse) take a really strong stand in the custody discussions to really get what was happening and her drawing really firm boundaries about their interactions.

I really feel for you.

We’ve known each other since we were 12 so there are so many connections. We have the same friends (except OM and 2 A enablers), live in the same neighborhood, go to the same church. Our families are close (hers doesn’t approve of A, Dv, OM, or engagement). We’ve even had the same employees in our workplaces. I can’t go through a day without seeing her, hearing from her or hearing about her. Our children keep asking for us to ‘be a family again’. I hardly see her for my sake, but all of this is killing me. Staying away hurts. Interacting hurts. Why should I cut my self off further from my life in order to avoid HER?

Why am I the one continually adapting, changing and sacrificing? Why can’t SHE go? She left the marriage, she lies to the community, she defies her family and abandoned her friends—all for this OM. Why can’t she leave? I’d wish her well, love our boys, and pray for her better good. I’m so tired.

DLC,

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We’ve known each other since we were 12 so there are so many connections. We have the same friends (except OM and 2 A enablers), live in the same neighborhood, go to the same church. Our families are close (hers doesn’t approve of A, Dv, OM, or engagement). We’ve even had the same employees in our workplaces. I can’t go through a day without seeing her, hearing from her or hearing about her. Our children keep asking for us to ‘be a family again’. I hardly see her for my sake, but all of this is killing me. Staying away hurts. Interacting hurts. Why should I cut my self off further from my life in order to avoid HER?

Why am I the one continually adapting, changing and sacrificing? Why can’t SHE go? She left the marriage, she lies to the community, she defies her family and abandoned her friends—all for this OM. Why can’t she leave? I’d wish her well, love our boys, and pray for her better good. I’m so tired. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am going to be very very harsh here. GROW A BACKBONE. You are whinning that you can't do this, you can't do that, you can't stand this, you can't stand that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> When will you stand up for your kids and your friends and show them what you CAN do? Huh? When? NOW IS A REALLY GOOD TIME TO STAND UP AND ACT LIKE A MAN.

You are whinning because your lives are somewhat intertwined, have you not heard of revenge? You have the absolutely most perfect OPPORTUNITY for revenge a man could have. All you have to do is </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Live your life well</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She will have to see it. Your friends will see it and cheer you on. Her parents will see it and never let her forget what a fool she was. Your parents will see it and be proud of you AND...your children, your children.

My God man what they will learn from you IF YOU GET A BACK BONE and live your life well.

So here is my New Years wish for you it is that you grow a backbone and live a great life with good friends, good food, a deep faith, and great children and grandchildren. If these things happen DLC someone worthy of you will find you never fear about that.

Now STOP WHINNING and START LIVING.

God Bless,

JL

dlc,

I have known my WH since I was 17.Not as young as you but a long,deep relationship nonetheless.Best friends,first major loves,first sexual partners,first marriage,only children together,etc.All of that that I thought was SO special.So,in a way,I understand what you are feeling and saying.It's hard to think about letting that all go and not having that in your life anymore.That was a major thing for me to come to terms with in counseling(alone) early on in the adultery.It was a swift but painful realization and possibility for me,it was crushing.

But,today,my WH is no longer the man I thought he was or one in which I want to be with and share my life.He is going through something so abominable and selfish I just cannot be around him.Our lives as we knew it are over.Whatever comes now is anyone's guess( or God's plan) but I can't live in the past or hang on to what was as painful as that is.It's still something I have to work on EVERY DAY.I do know for sure though that ending any contact with my WH as he is right now is best for me.

However,that doesn't mean that I still don't see my In-Laws when I want,my SIL and my niece and soon to be nephew.I still talk to and see my friends and even some who know both my WH and I.It's kind of an unspoken "rule" that we only talk about the A if I want to otherwise we have much more fun and easy going topics to discuss.None of that is changing for me and it shouldn't for you.Let people know that you don't want to hear about your XWW if it hurts.You have every right to continue on in your relationships despite what your ex did and does.You make *adjustments dlc.See your family when exWW will not be there.Same for friends.You just have to be saavy now,rearrange your schedule a bit to enable time to see whom you want when you want.I don't expect my WH to do much of this on his own but he doesn't see his family all that much anymore now that the A happened.He knows we all disapprove and that's hard to face.But,that's his cross to bear.I will not give up my in-laws and such after 20 years because we are d'ing.He knows that out ties are not going to be severed.A little changed but they support me now as much as they did then.And for that,I am grateful.Regarding the church,well,you may needto be the one to change that situation if she wil not but I am sure you will feel welcomed at anywhere you worship.If it makes you feel more at ease then it may be worth it all.

I cannot be near my WH too because it hurts and I am keenly aware of many walls going up to protect myself from him.But it's better than him being near me knowing he is not the same person anymore and not for the better.You would do well to do the same for your own protection,at least for now until you are stronger.JMVHO.

O

Disconnecting is hard, especially when there are so many ties. It seems that your ex doesn't want to fully disconnect either. Cake eating and all.

The thing is this: whether you never deal with her again or fully reconcile (a real possibility), you must first remove yourself from the person she's become. She is an anathema to you now. Boycott her for two years! There is no way things will be the same for you then. Hopefully for her either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

P.S. It takes quite a backbone to put up with the crap you’ve deal with this year. A weaker man would have given in to rage.

First, I agree that the best thing you can do is live your life well! She will see it. That's what I'm trying my best to do now. The Bible speaks of loving your enemies (not saying your XWW is exactly an enemy, but then again she rather is), because it's like heaping coals on them. Show her that you are above this mess by living a life to be proud of.

Like you and like Octobergirl, I also knew my XH from the time we were young. I was just shy of 15 when we met. We were both from small neighboring towns, so I got to know all his classmates, we shared friends, he was my first boyfriend, my first lover, the father of my children--he was my life. And now we're divorced.

And like your situation, it appears based on something that showed up on a charge card that my XH was supposed to close because I can't, that he bought her an engagement ring for Christmas. He denied, then laughed when I asked him what the charge was. (That's his typical action for "yep, I did it...but if I don't verbally admit it, you won't think I did.")

It hurt, because even though I don't want him the way he is, I still had this little smidgeon of hope that maybe someday he'd get his act together and we might reconcile. Getting engaged to OW (and I'm sure married as soon as her DV is final) sort of shoots that idea in the foot!

But I'm not going to let it get me down. God has a plan for me. He is allowing me to experience things for a reason. They're either molding me for something wonderful in this life, or they're getting me ready for eternity.

I'm trying to work more on my faith (something I tend to be weak on) and spend less time worrying or dwelling on things.

Try and find the good in your life. I know, you've had a really tough time lately. But 2005 is a new year. Try and think of new things you could do. Don't dwell on the past.

LL

D,

As is usual, the great and wise Just Learning hit the nail on the head. The ONLY person you can control in this sitch is YOU!! And if you change, EVERYONE around you has to change. They have to!!

If you live well, it is the greatest revenge. Nothing worse for someone to get what they asked for (the OM)...and then wake up and look down the street and realize they lost everything and gained nothing.

My man...JL is right. Time to make your life a shining example to everyone, especially your kids. In the end, your kids will look at you, what you have done...and they WILL compare it to what your WxW has done, what she has told them on why she did it...and they will come to a conclusion. You whine, and sulk, and become bitter...and you will prove her right in their eyes. You live well, keep your integrity...live a life worthy of those kids as their father, and you will so outshine her and the OM, that your kids will love you...and think she is crazy!!

Believe me, I know!!! My update shortly will better expand on this. But suffice it to say, time to find that backbone. Stand up and enjoy living a life that you KNOW she is going to kick herself over...that she lost. And she will do it the rest of her life. And you know what? Many times, it is that backbone that makes the WS come home. Maybe not in every case...but it did in mine.

In His arms.