Ok, I post here under another name but my WW lurks so I opened this new account. I am in the process of getting a D, but still had hopes of a possible reconciliation. My WW and I have been separated over the holidays and passing the kids back and forth as she has been at her parents for the most part and I with my brother.

Last night, I had a ONS. I feel a little bit guilty because I had a little hope for a reconciliation, but then again, I am not over ridden with guilt since we are getting a D.

I know most are going to tell me to tell my WW and that is probably the right thing to do, but I mean with my situation is it really? With a pending D do I need to tell my WW?

What happened was we went out to the bar and drank. First off, I kissed some strange woman at the bar, but went home with a different one and had a ONS with her.

Do I tell my WW/STBXW or not?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
NBTH

<small>[ January 01, 2005, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: no better than her ]</small>

No. Your M is dead. It is time to move on.

Until you are legally divorced you are STILL married so consider yourself a WS now and just air all the new dirty laundry unless you cannot bear to hear what your W would say.I hope you used protection.You used someone and were used too.Add yourself to the unfaithful list.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but it's meant to be.All you did was lower yourself and your standards to the level we are all trying to help other's rise above.

O

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Everyone makes mistakes especially when you involve alcohol. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

If I were in your shoes and tried everything I could to reconcil and was hurt over and over again, it would be easy to see that a temporary feeling of having someone want me would be very tempting. We all want to feel loved and wanted, don't we. Can't judge you if I haven't been in your shoes and made a different choice. It is not like your wife is at home waiting for you. She is still with OM, isn't she?

Go get yourself tested for STDs, forgive yourself and make better choices the next time. Divorced or single, taking someone home you don't know just isn't the safe thing to do.

I hope this New Year will bring you closure, happiness and new beginnings and an end to your despair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cathy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Until you are legally divorced you are STILL married so consider yourself a WS now </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Completely disagree. Once the spouses have split and one of them has declared that he/she doesn't want to be married anymore (like your WW), all the legal formality in the world doesn't change the fact that the couple are de facto no more. Marriage is much more than just a couple of signatures on a scrap of paper. It's a commitment between two people, and a pledge of fidelity and honesty.

There are many couples who separate and stay separated for years without any immediate need to go through the formality of the divorce. If neither of them cheated when they were together, are they suddenly both WSs just because they enter new relationships a couple of years after the split, though they have yet to go through the formality? That's absurd.

I didn't marry my TBXWW to get a legal commitment from her. I married her because I felt that she was my soulmate and that I wanted to spend my life with her. She assured me of the same things. My marriage ended the day she and I parted ways at her insistence, not the (upcoming) day the actual divorce paperwork is accepted by the court.

NBTH, I too held out a glimmer of hope of reconciliation in the months after the separation. Almost everybody going through this does. That doesn't stop us from having to accept the cold reality of the situation.

Given that your STBXW doesn't want to be married anymore, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. So what that you had a little bit of hope left for the marriage? You'd be less than human if you didn't, even after what she put you through.

You don't owe her an explanation. You are no longer sexually accountable to her in any way. Of all the emotions you're having to deal with right now, guilt over your ONS shouldn't be one of them. Don't be so hard on yourself, brother... give yourself a break.

Oh, and get rid of the new handle... you're STILL better than her.

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 01:39 PM: Message edited by: reservoirdog1 ]</small>

Jimmy Mac, I think you may be right.

Octobergirl, That's fine. I understand you anger.

Cathy, Thanks I guess that was how I kind of felt. But the more I sit and think about it I feel more and more guilty. If my WW and I were able to work through our issues then this will definitly eat me up, if not I guess it doesn't matter.

I am supposed to go out tonight with a friend of my brother's (who is going through a D too) and 5 women in a stretch hummer limo. Now I am not sure if I really want to. I am afraid given the opportunity the same could happen tonight.

NBTH

reservoirdog1,

I filed for D from my WW because she has no intentions of giving up her OM. I couldn't be with her if she was not going to get rid of him.

I still, as I mentioned above, had a bit of hope for my M. Now, if we were even to try and reconcile I think I would have to tell her about this ONS. I'm sure that would be the deal breaker so as Jimmy Mac said my M is over. I now need to realize that is the case.

NBTH

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now, if we were even to try and reconcile I think I would have to tell her about this ONS. I'm sure that would be the deal breaker </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If she were to regard your ONS as a dealbreaker in any future reconciliation, that would be pretty much the ultimate in hypocrisy. It would tell you a hell of a lot about her character and her degree of moral fiber.

If you were to reconcile, I do agree that you'd be well advised to tell her about it... but ONLY so that everything is on the table, not in the form of an apology. As I said, you have nothing to apologize for, least of all to her.

Don't tell her now. It served no purpose than dumping your guilt on someone else. Don't make the same mistake putting yourself into venurable place.

You could tell her if she want to rebuild M and when she is out from her fog.

-rh-

I agree that the piece of paper doesn't make the M over. My M was over when my H chose OW over me and my s. Once I proceeded with the D I knew in my heart I was done with the M. I would feel no guilt if I were you....you owe her nothing right now. If she were to want to reconcile, then that is another matter....tell her. You ARE better than her, remember that, okay? You had a moment of weakness and lonliness....your only human. Don't beat yourself up over this.

Said the WS to the BS.

RH, you are right. IF my ww came to me and said she wanted to work on us, and IF I too wanted to work on us I would have to tell her. I don't see it as an issue otherwise.

RD, you are right that it would be hypocritial of her to use this as a deal breaker, but she still claims she has not had SF with her OM. If that is true it may be a deal breaker, if not then maybe not. I don't know.

I've mananged to muddy the waters of my already clouded mind
NBTH

NBTH,

My personal opinion - I don't believe what happened was wise or right, and I believe for a number of reasons you should be very careful not to let it happen again before your DV is final.

You can't turn back the clock, though. It did happen. Deal with it.

However, given that you are separated and in the process of DV, I see no purpose in taking the initiative to tell your STBXW about what happened UNLESS you two ever do reconcile. If that were to happen, you would need to be upfront about what happened while you were separated. Otherwise, all it does is opens a new can of worms. (Unless she ASKS you if you've been unfaithful, in which case I think you'd need to be honest with her.)

LL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First off, I kissed some strange woman at the bar, but went home with a different one and had a ONS with her.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you think about your behavior now, in the sober daylight?

Pep

Yep, chalk another one up for the bar! My favorite place in the world. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I am personally avoiding the bars like the plague. I know myself enough to know that after these months of aloneness, I would be all over the first guy who came a sweet talkin like a fly on honey.

So I won't go! That is my personal boundary. If I were on a date I might go, or with a trusted friend who would pull me out the door at the first sign of stupidty I might go. A big might.

Alcohol, bars and being alone for too long...not a good combination!

NBTH,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I filed for D from my WW because she has no intentions of giving up her OM. I couldn't be with her if she was not going to get rid of him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has made her choice and moved on. How could she fault you for doing the same. You at least tried and if I am right you hung in there for quite a while. Hasn't this been going on for a while.

RD1 says:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Once the spouses have split and one of them has declared that he/she doesn't want to be married anymore (like your WW), all the legal formality in the world doesn't change the fact that the couple are de facto no more. Marriage is much more than just a couple of signatures on a scrap of paper. It's a commitment between two people, and a pledge of fidelity and honesty.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I, too feel like a governmental piece of paper doesn't make me married. It is the love and committment that we made to eachother. Part of me has a hard time calling myself H's wife because I feel like we were "divorced" at least emotionally when he told OW that he loved her. He might have been "just saying it because she said it to him and that is just what you do in situations like that," but to me our marriage ended there. I feel like we are just living together now, like we did before we were married. He doesn't feel like I do, he feels married, I don't. Eventually, maybe I will start to feel married again but I don't now. He sees no reason to remarry, so it isn't going to happen.

All of that is not to say that I don't feel committed to him or love him, I do. I just don't feel the security and trust you feel when you are truly married to each other even though in the last 2 years he has treated me better and been more loving to me than ever before in our relationship.

If you ever get back with your wife, it will have to be a new beginning with no going back for either of you. The slate will have to be cleared of your mistakes and hers. If you are doing the best that you can, you are being the best father and the best person you can be then there is not much else you can do. You are only human.

Enjoy you New Year and have fun. Celebrate that you made it through this awful year.

Cathy

What an awful year it was. 2005 has GOT to be a better year than 2004 for me at least.

Life sucks for NBTH!

Pep said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you think about your behavior now, in the sober daylight?

Pep </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think my behavior is deplorable. I am not proud of myself in the least. That is why I came here to determine what action I should take. Should I tell my WW now, or wait and see if we are going to reconcile? I guess it doesn't matter if we aren't going to reconcille since it would be my personal business and not hers. If we were to reconcile then she should know since it does have an affect on her live too.

Last night went off okay. I didn't do anything that would be deemed inappropriate for even a happily married couple. As a matter of fact I actually got depressed at the New Year rolled in since I was thinking about my M and what it has become.

NBTH

I would not tell her at all. You are going through a divorce which means the marriage is over and both parties are free to pursue other relationships. If you ever reconcile, you just got even with her, that's all!

Hurt1234,
I am not going to tell her. The thing is, I know my M is over. In my mind I know that but in my heart, however, that is a different thing.

I know I am free to pursue any other relationship I want, and I don't want a relationship right now. I told the woman that the other night, as I felt it was only fair. She said she was cool with it so we used each other for a night. As far as she goes, she is a friend of my SIL and she knows my situation so she knew going into it. Hell, she even saw me kissing the other woman at the bar and told my SIL "I thought he was going home with me."

NBTH