Read the book Giver/Taker by Dr. W. Harley. It outlines how may of us 'givers' are hopelessly locked into the 'giver syndrome' of sorts and can't break that endless cycle of having t/d for others at the expense of ourselves. That often even means our H's and children get the goods while we get the leftovers. Then the fog rolls in and the WS blames us for having the WS having an A because stupid comments like:
1. You neglected me.
2. You let yourself go.
3. You never cared for what I wanted t/d.....
I am a major giver. I could blame my mom and my culture but it is something only I can fix in me. For me recovery included doing less for the WS and even the for the H.
My family expected me to do all, all the time. NO gratitude except when prompted for the most part. Oh yea, they say they appreciate me.... when I am ready to walk out the door. Too little too late. I deserve to be appreciated. I tell them I appreciate when they do good things.... without being prompted. Why should I be treated any less?
So when the WS babbled and sometimes even when the H babbles, I remind him I can always do less and in some cases do so.
Spoiling the WS or H included cooking, cleaning, picking up after him, thinking ahead for him, ironing his clothes, paying his bills, preparing his favorite meanl, buying his favorite things.....etc. You want t/d these things but it's like eating candy and ice cream when you have the flu. When what you really need is hot chicken soup and orange juice.
The more I pulled back, the more I got appreciated.
When the WS moved out, he washed his own clothes, got his own meals and came home a sad, sick and depressed man. I was MAD at the OW and him. Why? Because previously the Ow e-mailed me saying 'she' was going to make him healthier, wealthier and better than he ever was with his family. Well what I got back was anything but what she 'promised'.
Still I had to maintain respect for me in my home. That is why plan B stayed in my back pocket. It is still here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> When H says something stupid even now, I remind him that is his choice...wouldn't recommend it but it is his choice to do the stupid thing. Often that is enough to bring him to his senses. I don't back down or take his blame. If that's one thing I learned from here it is that.
Hope this helps.
L.
