Can anyone please help me deal with this? It has been over a year since my wife left me and our two boys, 14 and 5. She had a Physical affair with my 14 yr old's Tae Kwon Do instructor from Nov. 03 thru Dec 03. She claims it was no more than 5 times. Then another PA with some other clown that she knew from her past. That one she said was just once, it was Easter Eve. I used to just think about us and the kids and just trying to deal with that pain, but lately I can't get the affairs off my mind either. I sometimes feel suicidal/homicidal. I would never do anything like that because I love my children too much for that to be an option. I just tell you that to give you an idea how desperate I am for help. Months after the affairs, one day when she was here, I told her that she never said that she was sorry for what she did to me/us. She thought for a minute, then looked up at me and said "I'm not sorry, I have no regrets." I will never forget that moment and what she said as long as I live. She lives in town, but has little to do with us. I own a business and have to do all the things she did as a "stay at home Mom", AND all things that I did. But I don't have the mutual support that we provided one another.

I was putting my 5 year old to bed awhile back, he likes to stand on his bed to give me a hug goodnight. As I was hugging him, I realized he was shaking. I pulled him back and saw that he was crying. I said "What's wrong sweetheart?" He said "Why doesn't Mommy live with us, doesn't she know we love her?" I assured him she does know and that she just needed some time by herself. He did a very similar thing more recently, but the question was "Daddy, you wont ever leave me, will you?" Of course I assured him again that I would never leave him. In fact, that night I layed with him until he went to sleep.

This whole thing has just been so difficult on all of us. The holidays this year were almost as hard for me as last year. In some ways worse. But I worked very hard to ensure the boys had a happy and as normal as possible Christmas.

I just really expected to be somewhat "healed" by now, but I swear I am getting worse. I think about the PAs in more detail til it hurts so bad or makes me feel so angry and betrayed. I have trouble sleeping. I have trouble focusing on anything. I can hardly read a newspaper. I would love if someone could offer some suggestions.

Thank you in advance,
Chris "CJ"

Chris,

Sorry you are feeling so down in the dumps. MB is a good place to get support.

Can you expand your immediate support group? Friends, relatives, neighbors, doctor, minister, co-workers, etc.? Do you have a MC or IC you can visit? See if you can do some phone counseling with Jennifer or Steve @ MB.

Your fears and anxieties are quite the norm when dealing with the A. Also most WS at first are obstinate and don't feel sorry. That is what my WS told our elders who came less than 24 hours after d/d. Now he is truly sorry. But the horrible path it took us on was beyond what either of us imagined.

Your children need the truth. They realize their mom does not care about them as much. That fact can not be hidden. It should not be minimized either. Reassure them you will not abandon them. If they question their mom's loyalty, tell them to ask their mom. Don't cover up for her. Your children will not respect you for covering up for a WS. What they will respect you for is showing that they are important enough in your life t/b honest with them.

I told my son that his father does love him but his father was confused if he loved us as a family. My son could understand that. It was confusing but our son learned each person makes their choices and lives with their consequences. Vital lesson he remembers to this day. I told our son that I would answer what I could but when I could not, I would tell him and give him direction where he could find the right answer.

This encouraged our son who at 6 years old wrote a letter to his dad that punched a hole right through the fog. Not enough to end A but enough to make an impact.

My son was one of my strongest supporters in his own little way and made me very proud of him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If you'd like, you can let us know your approx location and we can see if there are any MB dads in your area.

take care,
L.

Chris,

You need to greif your losses. You might have to put an end to this so that your kids knows that there is closure to this 'coaster. What stopping you from getting Dv ?. Who support your W ? you ? to let her w/ OM ?.

Time never heal anything ... it just make you older !. What you do is important.

Now, have you plan A ? ... have you expose A ? ... have you plan B ?. Are you enabeling her A ?

Not all M worth saving and certainly not at all cost.

-rh-

intruder,-
sorry to find you here, but it is the place to be in your situation.
i guess my 1st question is are you are any AD'S?

i know that sometimes we men don't think we need medicines, that we are strong enough w/out them, but since i got on AD'S, i feel a lot better. they will help. my dr. told me that they would help my mind from wondering so much and help with the recurring thoughts of my wife's A. i am not sure if it was them or just time, but i do feel better, and the thoughts don't just pop in my head out of the blue so much anymore. it has only been10.5 weeks since our DD, so i suspect it is the AD'S.

at any rate keep your chin up and keep being the great dad it sounds like you are, because that is what your kids need.

read all you can on this site, and come here to vent/ question.

good-luck

arjdad

Hi {{Chris}},

I was surprised to go back and reread your old posts and see that I posted to you way back in June along with some others.Then you kind of disappeared up until now.

You don't sound much better so what is your plan? Have you been to counseling at all? What books have you read? Is your WW living on her own? Have you thought about antidepressants? If you are having trouble functioning during the day you should talk to your doctor about this.They helped me a lot during the 10 months I was on them.

O

Hi Orchid,

Thank you for your reply. I don't really have an "MC or IC" In fact, I don't really understand all the the PA WS DD SD ect. Sorry. I was here in the spring and have been through a lot since then. This is my first time back and I am desperate. I guess I should have done a lot more "lurking" , but I don't have time. Things took a turn for the worse lately.

As far as "The children need the truth." No way, I am not going to do that to them. I would like some more input as to what others think, but I am of the belief that 14yr old son will never know of this as long as I have anything to do with it. There are times I want to tell him what she has done, but I know it is not good for him. My 5 year old no way, for any reason. He just wouldn't understand.

Thanks Orchid,

For writing to me. I appreciate your time and thoughts. My area is Central Florida. I have family and a few friends, but during these times, it has been very tough. I don't like to burden my friends and fam with this all the time.

RH-

I don't understand alot of the abbrv. I appreciate your input and want you to know (right or wrong) that my marriage is something I would give anything for.

Ajrdad--

Thanks man, but I have a very high reluctance to AD. I appreciate your thoughtful advice. I am sorry for what you have been through..

redhat-

I am to sure how to respond. I don't quite understand your reply. I think my marriage is the most important thing besides my children, in the world.


octobergirl

You are SO SMART!! You are impressive! You know what's going on. I don't know what I had to say back then (June), but I can tell you that my life was (and is) a blur since then. Thank you so much for your reponse in June and now. No, I have not been in counceling or anything. I have read "Divorce Remedy" by Michele Davis. No, I don't have any plan. I am just doing what I have to do to keep things going. I think you were very kind to reply so thoughtfully to my post.

Thank you,
Chris "CJ"

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 02:54 PM: Message edited by: Intruder800 ]</small>

Chris

I am a FWW - eg I cheated on my Husband - you an find out what the Abrev mean by cicking here
Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes

Ok Kids DO need you to explain things in simple terms. NOT Mommy is chaeting on me blah blah no.. Mom is not sure she loves us as a fmily but she loves you a lot. etc etc
ls rethink this or else what the kids will do is make up their own reasons why Mom is not home and usually this revolves around them being the cause of it in their beautiful little minds...dont let that happen Chris!!

As for you and your wife well you need a plan, a plan to either work on recovery or a plan to exit the Marriage.
If its recovery then you need to consider Plan A or Plan B as decribed here on this site.

Here is a good quick start up thread to follow:-

The Path to Recovery: Johnh39's complement to WAT's quick-start guidelines

Now from my own hell I can tell you pls pls pls get some counselling and AD's......yes I know you are a tough man and dont need AD's horse droppings Chris!!! anyone can need some help when something traumatic happens. My H is in the Army and has just got back from his 4th combat tour in a few years.... he has PTSD and is quite frankly a mess in many ways. So dont tell me you want to avoid Ad's I can handle it all etc etc...

however an alternative I used to Ad's was St Johns Wort from a health store, its very effective and costs little and you dont need a prescription. There are also so few side effects that its considered as having none. Except if you are a female on the pill you may need to swap over to another type ....... which is why I'm prego's now with H & I new baby. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Please read read read, if possible what about speaking to Steve Harley here via the phone. Hes very good at setting out a Plan for YOU to work on the M..... no guarentees but there never is.

Hope you can get through this with your kids ok.

Remember to vent here, ask questions, seek opinions and dont give up yet.

Central FL? I think there are a few MBers out your way. Let's see who they may be. I will setup a separate thread.

I respect your response about how you plan to handle the children. I may not agree on how you do it but respect you as a person and parent.

My son told me that children don't like t/b lied to. Pretty impressive from a 5 year old. That was B4 d/d. So when d/d came.... I knew I would have to somehow let him know the truth but in as tactful a way as possible. I couldn't do it without the tears but through it we have gotten even closer.

Children handle it better than we think. They are resillient. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If you don't have a Mc or Ic, check out the phone counseling. Definitely worth the $$.

Make sure you read Surviving an affair and His needs/her needs ASAP. Then identify your boundaries. Implementing them will then be part of your plan. We can help with the support when you post.

ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

Hi Chris,

I hope you will check in with us today and stick around now so we can help you.Let me start by saying that I know many of us here understand feelings of suicide and wanting to hurt those that hurt you.As mad as I was toward my WH,it wasn't nearly as bad as it was for me toward the homewrecker.It took me a LONG time to get to a place where I didn't think about hurting that person every day several times a day for the pain she caused me and so many in our families.Yes my WH cheated but it's different,I loved him and we had a life together and children,a home,dog,etc.I felt that, "Who is this person,this "woman",having sex with another woman's (MINE) husband"? How can that be? Why? What kind of immoral sick person is she? It was too much to wrap my brain around.

All I could think of for a long time was that single bullet,by silencer,right into the head of the homewrecker.No mess,no fuss,quiet,quick.Done.But what kept me from doing that is knowing that I would go to jail,my kids would be without me and that was infinitely worse.I also posted here with my feelings and many people came and talked me down.Do I still think of these thoughts? Sure,from time to time and less so but they pass and I remember what is important: my children.You need to talk about how you are feeling Chris so you don't do something you will regret later on.I know you said you wouldn't do anything but those revenge feelings can be pretty strong sometimes.

Also,I am not sure exactly why you don't tell your friends and family what is happening to you.If they love and care for you,they will want to help.Please use them(someone other than yourself) to help you through this crisis.You cannot do it all alone.Of course we are here too.

Remember,your WW is a sick woman.She has been involved with more than one man,is indignant right now at what she perceives is your fault and is throwing everything away and for what? She has no idea I am sure.What does she want at this point,do you know? Are you in the Military? Just curious.If so,Mortarman is someone you must talk to.

How are your parents by the way? I know your plate is full with a lot going on and it's no wonder you sound like you are sinking.

O

<small>[ January 01, 2005, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

AW & Orchid,

Thank you both for your thoughtful advice. What are you saying I should tell the boys? Not that Mom had an affair or two. I mean, other than that they pretty much know why Mom isn't here. She has told me with them right there that she does not want to be married anymore, that she does not love me. She has told me with them right there that she wants to be on her own. They have heard it all, except about her adulterous behavior.

AW, as far as the tough guy doesn't need ADs. Well, let me just say this. It isn't about being tough, it's almost the opposite. I feel so weak and fragile, that I am afraid of losing control. I feel like an aircraft that has been hit and is damaged badly and spinning towards earth out of control. I don't want to give up any more control. I know exactly what you are talking about with PTSD. I was Army Air Defense for nearly 10 years in 4 different countries, My Brother was a scout (Air Cav) and was shot down, missing for 23 years and finally recovered. He is buried at Arlington National Cemetery. But I know people that have lost control on AD. Closest is Daughter. Her mother, put her on AD when she was 14!! Now she is battling addiction and is in the hospital right now. I tie those two things together (AD and her addiction). I am not the only one. She does as well. I am NOT trying to sound argumentative. I also have an addictive personality you might say and I am afraid. So it isn't about tough, it's more about weak.

It is hard for me to air my laundry here with strangers. It scares me too. I came here way before June, and just read. I think that's what you call lurk. Finally I posted, then I didn't come back at all until now. I feel pretty desperate, but I don't know if this where I will get the help that I need.

I may try the St John's wart. I don't feel it is very effective. I tried it once, but people tell me I didn't give it enough time. I have a lot going on in my life besides the tragedy that is my marriage/family. I help care for my parents. They are 80. My Dad has Alzheimer's and my Mom is HC (Bi-lateral knee surgery and hip surgery), my daughter and her drug addiction. There is ALOT to that story. My Granddaughter lived with us for nearly a year at the onset of her problems. Now, after battling in court in New York, her Father has her. We had 4 hurricanes 3 of which the eye passed right over our home. The boys and I watched in fear as trees came down all around our house. Those storms were very stressful. Each storm that came I thought we should leave but decided not to. It isn't easy to get out of the way when you live on this long, thin peninsula. The storms got so intense that I regretted my decision to put my most cherished loves in harm's way. We made it and the insurance company wrote a check to cover the damages. But it was stressful.

Orchid, I don't feel I have or do lie to my children. I have sat down with my older boy and told him that I know there is alot going on, some of which you might not understand. Please ask me whatever you want and I will do my best to answer. I would not lie to them, we get enough lies and deceit from their Mom. My 14 year old, I don't think I mentioned, is not my biological Son. That is SO weird to even say. He has been nothing but that to me and my family for his entire life. His Mom and I were friends before she was pregnant. His father never had anything at all to do with him. He knows this. Now I think he has to be thinking that first his father wanted nothing to do with him, now his mother walks out on him. At first, she stayed away with not so much as a phone calls for weeks at a time. Sometimes as much as two months. When she comes over now it is very tense and awkward between them.

Last night, after having a couple celebratory drinks I made the mistake of calling her. I think I screwed that up pretty good.

I'm sorry, I am rambling again. I do SO appreciate your thoughtful caring advice and please don't think I don't. With what is going on in my life I am REALLY open to suggestion on how to get things better. Even a little better because it feels as if things are getting worse.

Thank you all very much,
Chris "CJ"

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: Intruder800 ]</small>

Chris, can you give us a general idea of where in central FL you are?

I'm in Clearwater and know of people in Tampa and Dunedin and Bradenton area who are around. We've had a get-together back on October and it was so fun! No crying..promise...just fun. I hope that we do it again soon.

I understand your feelings but this is the absolute BEST place to air your "dirty laundry" because believe me, it's not dirtier than anyone else's here.

So you stepson is living with you? You might want to make a post to Sadmarylandlady. She also has her stepson living with her while her WH does his thing. I'll bet she would welcome the opportunity to give additional insight to the situation as I'm not sure it's a common one here at MB.

Hi Octobergirl,

Thanks for posting. I posted that last message before reading your last message. I would like to take a moment to reply to that. Your first paragraph nailed it. Her 1st affair, was with my Son's TKD instructor, he still goes to TKD. I TAKE HIM!! Pretty crazy huh? Lately, I let my mind wander a bit and I have to take my 5 year old and go for a walk. I have to get out of there when the thoughts you mentioned come to mind. I have a lot of guns. I asked my Brother if he would take care of them for a year or so. I to know better. Prison I don't think I could deal with. Being without my children and putting them in that possition I KNOW I couldn't deal with. But the way you put it was right (Although we have two dogs ;-) The miniature Dachshund was a valentine's day gift to my wife 3 years ago.) I feel like smashing his face in at times when I let my mind wander. Not the dog <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> The OM. But he is a 3rd Degree Black Belt ;-) I feel my anger would overpower his skills. BUT, I am way smarter than that and I have much better self control. I know that no matter what, the end result would be negative. No need for more negativity in my life right now :-)

As far as family and friends, I have worn them out! It seems that that's all I talk to them and vent about. But it is ALL I think about 24/7. In my sleep, when I can sleep. But believe me they have helped SO much. It has been over a year and I feel (Not because they make me feel) as though I am putting too much stress and worry on them.

What does she want? I only really know what she has told me. She wants to be on her own. Although, if it wasn't for me she wouldn't have a car, phone, electricity, furniture, microwave ect. What gets me is that I was never abusive, I was never unfaithful and frankly, I am not a bad guy. I am not bad looking, I was probably better looking when I was 20 ;-), but I try to stay in shape. For me, I would stay married no matter what. I can see people not wanting to be married if there was abuse or infidelity, but otherwise I personally, would not divorce. When I married I married for ever. I knew that's what I was signing up for.

You asked if I was military, I am Ex-Army SSG.

My little one is telling me he is hungry. He just came and said "Are you gonna be working on my hotdogs?" So I gotta go for now.

Thank you SO much for your caring, thoughtful posts. Can I ask, why do you do this?

Chris "CJ"

He just came in and said "I see your not closing that up"

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: Intruder800 ]</small>

Intruder800:

There are some very good people working with you on here. My point to you is; please keep in mind that you are not quite yourself right now. It is natural for all who go through this to feel desparate - therefore, even as hard as it is to stay calm, it is essential. I would like to write back in more detail but have plans with DD. I will respond later.

To Orchid, Octobergirl, etc. - I live in Central Fl. and may be able to offer additional help with IC, church, etc. to Intruder.

FR

CJ,

Good to hear from you.

Here's the thread I started about central FL.

Central FL folks

So in addition to Fishracer, there are 4 other MBers. Now the ball is in your court. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

There is another MBer who has a 12 year old stepdaughter he helped deliver and raise as his own. He is also the single parent of 2 younger children, whose WS deserted all of them about 3 years ago. Right now he is scheduled to be deployed sometime this year and so he has lost custody of his children. They have been given to the WS and her couch potato BF. The older stepdaughter is living with her parents because the A provided 'such a better lifestyle' for the WS. NOT!!!!

My point is that this dad did explain things to his children. Not all the sordid details but enough to let them know their responsibilities and what was not their burden to carry.

Also children can be taught how to give the guilt back to their WS parent. In fact most of them are quite good at it, when they really want something. The hardest thing to teach them is that each parent is falliable and that it is ok to speak our mind in a respectful yet loving way to our parents to let them know we disagree.

Take a look at FAA's thread. Her daughter I think is 12 and the Ws tried to force her to meet the OW, then dumped his daughter leaving her stranded on New Year's evening to go with the OW. The little one was all dressed up and waiting for the WS dad who never showed up.

If you feel you have explained well enough to your children, then you have done your job. Reinforcing or reassuring them of your love is an ongoing process as well as keeping the lines of communication open. When they note that their mom is acting improper or immature, acknowledge it. They already know so and don't want to see double standards used by their parents.

take care,
L.

Hi Chris,

I hope those hot dogs were just right for your son.That was cute.Children are such little angels here on Earth.Makes you just want to pick them up and squeeeeze them tight! As for why I post to people here,it's probably the same for all of us: we want to help.It also helps to talk to other's who know exactly what you are feeling.Friends and family can help but unless they know the pain of Infidelity first hand,they just can't comprehend it.It's in my nature to want to help other's,even going through my own problems.I am sure that is why I became an RN.

As for your family,I was under the impression that you had not told them what was happening to you.If they know already and you've talked their ears off,then I can understand the need to hold back now.I have done that too.That's when I come here to talk.This place is always open,like an all night MB diner. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

There are many similarities that you share with us all so I hope you won't feel that you can't tell us anything.No one really knows who you are so the benefit is that you don't have to hide any information.Many of us would agree with you that we too married for life.But sadly,that doesn't always work out.It's a very difficult thing to endure,a marriage ending.You may end up needing to be the one to file for a D if your WW isn't going to do anything but be away,seeing other men and living a "single" life with her family left by the side of the road.

And,does your WW work? If not,she may need a rude awakening to the financial problems that await her if she wants to start over with some other guy.Don't finance/enable her affair(A) ok? Start to review what the bills are and what you should and should NOT be helping her with.You need to get in the groove here and then start deciding what to DO.Follow Mortarman's posts or call him out directly.You need a plan.You cannot afford to keep things as is.It't time to kick it up a notch.

By the way,your WW's OM may be a black belt,but that's no match for a bullet's velocity.Did you ever see Raider's of the Lost Ark? I love that scene where Harrison Ford comes across that "Muslim" killer all dressed in Black and the crowd parts and it's him against this other guy who is waving his fancy sword around ready to start a fight,and Ford just pulls out his gun and BAM.It's over.It's funny but I should get off that topic,I might get edited by one of the Mod's.

O

*edited for pesky typos*

<small>[ January 01, 2005, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Hey all,

How do I "Follow Mortarman's posts"? I have never really done any of this forum stuff. I hope I am not breaking any rules of etiquette. I have a lot of trouble with all the abbreviations. I have to look them up a lot.

I'm not real sure I'm ready to meet folks. I appreciate you checking that out Orchid. I'm not saying I wont, I am trying to keep an open mind. But right now I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that. Not to mention, I can't hardly fit in a Motorcycle ride. I belong to a M/C club. I bought my bike in October and her EA began in September. I didn't know about it quite yet. Anyway, I bought the bike and now I can rarely ride it. The guys in the club (Southern Cruisers Riding Club) are great guys, I just don't have the time.

I want my marriage back. A lot of folks are saying I need to move on and such. I don't want to give up. Although it does look very hopeless. Also, if/when we divorse, things change for me in a BAD way. I did see an attorney back in February. I knew it was bad, but I had no idea it would be this bad. My WW came into this marriage with nothing. But she would leave with half the home, a large portion of the business, half of my retirement fund, and half of all other property and money (savings ect). AND she said I may not have to pay PERMANENT alimony!! I would surely have to pay for a number of years. I forgot how many, I was in shock by the whole thing. I plan to see another attorney now that it has been awhile and she has been working and living in her apartment. Worst of all, she said that My 14 year old I would have no say to because he is not legally my son. Even worse than that she said that no court in Florida would split the siblings. So she would get the boys and that is all I have left to give me reason. And yes, if it came right down to it, I think she would go for custody. She likes getting the child support check for my Son (understand he is my StepSon, I just do not refer to him like that). She has the nerve to come here to pick it up while I am doing all the supporting. Financially and emotionally.

As far as "kicking it up a notch", I am having SO much difficulty doing what I am doing now. The daily routine is more than I can handle. So much is not getting done. Like right now, I should not be here. I just finished mowing the lawn and I should be getting the launrdy going, getting the dishwasher emptied and getting dinner started.

Yes, she works now that she is "on her own". She works at Wal-Mart super center and has no idea how to budget her money. Collectors are calling here all the time. My attorney says it is likely that I will have some responsibility for that Sh-- too!

Well, I do have to get some stuff done. I do appreciate all of you and all your thoughtful posts. I am beginning to wonder how "help-able" I really am.

Thank you all,
Chris "CJ"

To read/follow a certain members posts just click on their number of posts and they will show the last 50-75. Or click on search and put in the posters member number for more.

<small>[ January 01, 2005, 05:19 PM: Message edited by: InLikeFlynn ]</small>

CJ,

When you are ready, those nearby can help. Of course this is a voluntary board so if they are available and want to, they can help.

The good thing is that most of those are BS dads. So you would have a lot in common, even if it is just chatting on the phone. We did this out in CA and a few other MB locations around the country. It has added to our individual support groups. There is a photo album where some have posted their pictures of some of the gatherings. I am camera shy so there are not any of the Bay Area gatherings but we are not an ugly bunch. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Quite the contrary......we here @ MB are a beautiful bunch, inside and out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep posting. You'll be ok. It will take time.

NOTE: My support is coming from way across the middle of the Pacific Ocean so I am limited in my help but the closer one, the more they can add to that help. Consider us one of your MB tools. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Aloha,
L.

Hey Intruder:

I'm back and see that some of the veterans and also "semi-rookies" here have offered insight to you.

Note that my situation had many similarities to yours. (You can read my story elsewhere on this board.) Please allow me to add just a litle more for you to think about:

1. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> AW, as far as the tough guy doesn't need ADs. Well, let me just say this. It isn't about being tough, it's almost the opposite. I feel so weak and fragile, that I am afraid of losing control. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The AD's will actually help you to regain control of your emotions and your life! Talk with your Dr. about them and how to avoid addiction. Prior to A and drama; my hardest drug -use was Excedrin. I talked to my Doc; also a good friend who immediately prescribed Zanax to be used as needed. It helped me through some tough, dark days.

2. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her 1st affair, was with my Son's TKD instructor, he still goes to TKD. I TAKE HIM!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unless I missed something; why does your son still attend this guys classes? There are plenty of good TKD instructors available who did not contribute to the disruption of your M. Get your son away from this knucklehead!

3. Forget thoughts of violence. Believe me; all of us have had those thoughts (some of us more often than others) but the potential loss is nowhere near whatever we would gain from it. Basically; he ain't worth it!

4. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want my marriage back. A lot of folks are saying I need to move on and such. I don't want to give up. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forget what others say. It's your M, your life!

5. Last comment: Schedule a phone conference with Steve Harley as soon as you can. He will have valuable input to your situation.

Good Luck and keep posting. This is a great place to vent, ask questions, vent, get advice, vent, get support, and vent! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FR

Thanks InLikeFlynn, Orchid & Fishracer,

ILF, thanks for the tip. It helped.

Orchid, Thanks again. I am going to try to stick around this time and keep an open mind. One of the things in the book "The divorce remedy" was if what you're doing is not working, it's time to do something else. Please be patient with me.

Fishracer, You said "You can read my story elsewhere on this board" could you show me where. I would be interested. I appreciate your views and I like the way you broke it down. There is a lot to think about there. I have printed the thread so far and will read it over and give some thought to all that was said. You all probably understand that there is SO much more to every aspect of this story that it would have to be a chapter book for me to express all the details of all of it.

You said "Unless I missed something; why does your son still attend this guys classes? There are plenty of good TKD instructors available who did not contribute to the disruption of your M. Get your son away from this knucklehead!" I know, I feel like an idiot and frankly, I am putting myself in a dangerous situation. But that is part of a lot of story behind the story. I/we have a lot of friends in that class. Students/parents. We have been there a long time. It's not the instructor but the people that we have grown close to. He has been attending there for many years. He is a black belt, that takes awhile. But you are right. As sad as it is, they screwed this up too, Bad. It is so DAMN depressing. But you're right, I think we will just have to be done with TKD. I thought it would be something good for my S to fall back on as he attends college. He could instruct and make some money on the side and keep fit. It was a positive thing in his life. Damn it!

You also said "Forget thoughts of violence. Believe me; all of us have had those thoughts (some of us more often than others) but the potential loss is nowhere near whatever we would gain from it. Basically; he ain't worth it!" I know, I will not put my life in that position. As long as I have my children anyway. If I lose them I am VERY afraid of what I would do. I feel so desperate now and have for over a year! But to lose them, I know I would make bad choices.

Octobergirl, you asked "Are you in the Military? Just curious.If so,Mortarman is someone you must talk to."

I am EX-Army Air Defense SSG. Nearly 10 years served in 4 countries. Why do you ask? I get that a lot in person but I attribute that to my haircut. It never left ;-) Why do you say "Mortarman is someone you must talk to."? BTW, they are little Angels, I wish I could show you a picture of my 5 year old with a picture he drew me with him standing by it so proud. It said "I (picture of a heart) U"

Anyway, I gotta go, Thanks to you all. I mean it.

CJ

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 03:16 PM: Message edited by: Intruder800 ]</small>