Well a new Year and I wonder what it will bring, peace within ??? No idea but AW is trying so hard and its more me then her being the problem.

I find I have such immense anger that comes out of no where and is directed against her, kids, people around me, anything. I actually tried to get on the relief teams to Thailand so that I could get out of here for a while.
Just feel so detached from her, the kids and trying so hard not to show it.
When she rang up the CO to say I couldn’t go because I had a broken leg I went right off at her then shut up, not her fault - mine, had to stay quiet before I said something to really hurt her.

Finding it very hard to feel much of anything for anyone and kinda lost, drink to much, feel too little.

Broken leg? Well I think it was nicked in Iraq and then a week or so ago I ripped the front security door off and kicked the front door in with it because it was 2.00am and it was locked and then wondered why I did it. The side door was open and the lights on. Pretty sure that’s when I broke it.
I think she was too ashamed to tell anyone it was me or thought it was all her fault again …. Doesn’t matter if I say its not she thinks her actions have caused everything to us where its just one thing amongst our battered lives since the war began. Pretty sucky thing but just one thing.

Perhaps our new baby will help me find some contentment and joy in home life. Sometimes I can just feel it there and it slips away. All this just doesn’t feel real to me. Maybe I’ll just finish my beer and shut up.
I really don’t feel alive here.

Ok A2,

Did you ever read that thread about the 5 stages of grieving? You seem t/b stuck in the middle of them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Why is that?

L.

Hi Aussie,

Don't know if my words will have any meaning here or not, but I feel compelled to share them with you.

I watched my Dad slowly die after he came home from a two year stint in Nam as a search and resue pilot. Well when he wasn't in Nam he was always away anytime there was a tragedy which was most of the time.

We loved him so much, us kids, my mom, everyone loved him because he was just that kind of a guy, but something slowly changed him during the years in the service. Something died inside him and he never got it back.

He spent most of his time after, golfing and drinking. During the last five years of his life I took care of him and got to know him quite well. He at one time had studied to be a minister, well actually for four years before becoming a pilot. But after nam he no longer believed in God. It all died in him, although even on his deathbed he was concerned with everyone other than himself, but even so he still killed himself with straight vodka and nothing else, it took days but I suppose he thought that would be easier to clean up than a gunshot through his head.

You are different in that you are reaching out, talking, searching...trying to find that which you have lost inside you. Don't ever stop, you will find it again - that peace, that ability to find joy in the things that your wife and home bring, you will be able to feel that love again...it is all around you, in all things.

It'll all come back, if you just keep looking for it and don't shut down and drink it away.

Happy New Year Aussie - all the best to you.

Orchid yes I read it and I really dont know.

The anger is not focused on anyone its just is...that time it was the door.
I haven't let it get out of control since.

I thought it was depression but it doesn't seem to be that, if anything I feel little ..Weaver explained very well 'Something died inside'
I thinks that me.

Aussie, nice to hear from you kidder.

You have been through stuff that few men do br'a. That you're here and compos mentis is a testament to your strength and spirit.

Be easy on yourself, you deserve better than the beating up you are giving yourself. Even I can relate to many of your emotions : anger spasms for example and I didn;t have my recovery complicated by war and a new baby.

Your girl loves you a lot and you have the framework of a great 'rest of your lives'.

Breathe a little and enjoy the peace. As a soldier I KNOW you know how to relieve the anger physically, but thats gonna be hard with a broken leg right ?

All blessings mate.

If you need to ***** by mail I'm on "purebob at evomail dot co dot uk".

Glad you're OK mate. You're one of the homeboys who kept me sane.

Thanks Bob thats very good of you.

maybe I need the time to veg out perhaps that will help

A2,

Thought I would jump in here. Time to cool it and take stock of the situatioin.

Take care of your leg. If you really mess it up, they won't let you jump any more.

Take care of AW. Did you read her posts while you were gone? Your woman not only loves you, she is in love with you, and she adores you. Not only that, she is giving you another child. You are one lucky man.

Take care of DD & DS. Even though they are older, they will always want and need you.

You can't change the world. But you have your world in your hands. May 2005 be the best year for AW you ever.

A2...
Not many here or anywhere for that matter has been given a plate as large as yours and with so many different "courses" at one time. (And then on top of that, AW's givin' you her liver and broccolli, etc.!)

Only one thing to add...you are hurting tremendously...have so many things going on at once...it's OK to ask for help! (I, too, used to be one that refused IC--it's not a weakness, it's a strength to know that you have to get this out safely.) For me, I eventually realized I needed to get ot out/vent to someone who can steer me/listen to me in a safe environment. Not that brown hasn't, but she doesn't have the tools to sort all of the crap that was spewing from my mouth all at once. And, she's not a man! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Let's face it, we process things differently! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ) It's just a thought.

But like Bob said, your girl really is trying and loves you a whole bunch. I know you know that. Keep reminding yourself, and take it day by day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Perhaps our new baby will help me find some contentment and joy in home life. Sometimes I can just feel it there and it slips away. All this just doesn’t feel real to me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep this thought going Aussie. That baby is hope for newness in your and AW's life. There is nothing like the promise of a new young life. To help you feel new, young and needed. AW loves you. I know that seeing what you saw in Iraq doesn't help with your emotions, but try my friend to focus on what is ahead, not behind.

{{{A2/AW}}} all the way from the U.S. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Aussie!

I don't remember if we've every 'chatted' before or not, but I've been praying for you and AW...

I'm glad that you made it home safely. Recognizing your anger is really important... and it sounds like you're doing OK.... now you just need to look for safe ways to get rid of that anger.

If you ever want to e-mail me, you can reach me at rif902000@yahoo.com

Welcome home!
RIF

Aussie -

Your kicking in the door is very typical behavior for a returning war-fighter. It will take some time to get back from that war. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Please know that people all over the world are thankful for your sacrifice. We have men like you to thank for our freedom.

Now let us pay a tiny bit back by helping you through this. There is nothing wrong with you. It is a normal reaction to an abnormal, horrifying situation. At least that's what the Navy shrinks say.

I work at Camp Pendleton where we see similar actions all of the time. And at Fort Bragg, some men came back from Afghanistan (7 I think) and killed their wives. So realize that what you are going through is to be expected. But you can recover and be your old kanga shooting self again.

Thanks everyone

yes it does help to have people who don't think you are some sort of monster.
Of course the family on both sides are great but besides Mands - AW's sister the doc - I feel uneasy letting them know how ugly it all really is. They are pretty innocent you know and rarely see much violence even in the news.

Gonna have to work on getting over this, maybe let AW do the driving for a while.

A2,

I was in the Marines and had a few buds that couldn't let go. Some went and saw the base chaplin, some didn't. Of course the chaplin is not a counselor, but a counselor doesn't know what we/you went through. The chaplin has an pretty good idea. And I know that in the Marines the chaplins have been getting a lot of training on this subject. You ever thought about talking to one?

Just a thought
Native

native (and Aussie) -

The Marines now have a very proactive program where the shrinks are embedded with the troops. They are having much success, because the sooner these feelings can be identified and worked out, the better.

And Aussie - it is okay to have feelings. It's okay to wonder where God was in this mess. It's okay to think the counselors are talking a bunch of bullsh*t. You have been through more than most, and your feelings are valid.

I'd like to see you do something for Aussie. Stop worrying about fighting wars, saving Tsunami victims, and do something for YOU. See if AW will let you buy a Harley, or hang another Kanga on the clothes line, or whatever it is that makes you happy.

Hi Believer,

Well that is very good to hear about embedded CH's. I got to hand it to the Corps for always taking "Troop Welfare" very seriously. I know that I did when I was a Sgt. My fireteams, squads and platoon always came before I did. I don't think there is an NCO out there that couldn't say otherwise.

A2, I agree, time to let the battle die down. Take your focus off the world, you paid your dues. You know just like I do that the warrior spirit needs to be rested and refreshed if that warrior is to survive. Sleep deprevation anyone.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> time to take some Assuie2 time.

Native

Native (and Aussie) - I'm very proud of the Marine Corps for their forward thinking. We used to send the troops to do the fighting and not really support them afterward. Those days are gone. Thank God.

I agree. The Corps rock... Semper Fi, leave know man behind. This means physically and mentally.

Native

You're right I do need to just rest and relax, but being cynic these days cant help but think they have us exactly as they want us, only happy when doing a job.

But need to have a laugh at myself for a while I think so been listing all the stupid things I say to my teams like......

The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out...so you guys are stuffed. (cleaned up well didn't it)

and

Try to look unimportant the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

I would like to insert $.02.

When I was in the 101st Abn, we had Chaplins who were not only embedded, but jumped in with us. It is great that the Marines are doing it. But, we in the Airborne had the program for a long time.

Last week, there was an article in the local paper about the Army starting to have marriage building programs. They featured the 101st, showed a Chaplin, and he had both jump & air assult wings.

Little thread jack back there. Keep cool A2. After a while, with time and patience, and with all the love around you, you will be as good as new.

hey aussie--maybe its time for some real r&r. a mini vacation...just make sure the hotel has no sky lights! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />