Yup...over the Christmas break....to go skiing....called him mommy's friend....How do I teach him right from wrong if this is not addressed!! Advice needed.......

I'd be furious if I were you. Have you explained to him what is going on with you and your WW?

MIF,
She has her own house....since may.....he doesn't know about the affair. He also tells me he's stayed at her house after one of he parties....saw him in her room.

I want to see this poor excuse for a man again. Badly.

Well,unfortunatley your son has joined the ranks of the children who were introduced to the homewrecking OP and have no idea what this person is doing to their parent's marriage and to their family as they know it.ARGH.

I know here in the US some states,or most,have legal avenues you can take to prevent children from being exposed to such situations.It is rather serious.This OM has already shown his true self and it's not appropriate that he be around your kids.You have no idea what could happen.This IS a safety issue and IMO I would have no trouble calling your WW to tell her how upset you are and that you WILL NOT allow this kind of behavior to affect your kids.If SHE wants to go out and act this way then that is her choice as an adult but as your CHILDRENS FATHER,you do NOT APPROVE.Not only did she not ask your permission but she blatanly chose to put your son in harms way.She is not thinking about their best interests Binder.You should not be finding out about these trysts from your children.Your WW is lying to you(by omission) and you are still married,legally.

Right now,it is paramount that your WW understand that your kids are too young to speak for themselves regarding the OM and they do not know the nature of her relationship with him,therefore,it is up to YOU to make it crystal clear that you will not accept this behavior in front of your children anymore than you would let her expose them to some drug dealer.

O

<small>[ January 01, 2005, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

binder, I agree with Octobergirl. I told my WW that her boyfriend better not be around our children as long as we are still married. If, after the D, and she is serious with the OM, then that is entirely up to her if she wants to introduce him to our children. As for what to tell your son, I guess I wouldn't try to explain the affair to him.

MIF

Binder,

My WW has been doing the same thing for about two weeks. Ever since I told her that if she wants the D, that I will be getting a lawyer. She says why can't we do it the "easy way".

Anyway, my WW disappears with the kids before I get home so I cannot stop her. However this ends now. Since we are still married and WW hasn't got an appt. yet (I think she will at the start of Jan). My kids will be staying at my house.

Of course I don't want to take the kids away from a good mother. However right now my WW is not a good mother. The kids are with who knows, and I believe they have been exposed to my WW's OM#2.

I have taken time off work and will have a talk with my WW the next time she tries to take the kids. I will explain very calmly that the children will be staying in our house.

If she tries and takes the kids, I call the cops and expose her affair.

If she starts yelling and getting angry, I call the cops and expose her affair.

Since you are still married you have just as much right to your kids, until there has been a D or separation that provides custody schedule.

Native.

Thanks for the replies.....I have to think......I've told her not to do this at least till were divorced......there is no legal means here to prevent this......

I think maybe I should E mail his business associates.....fellow proffessors and Dr.s.....surely thay know the negative impact of this on children......maybe they can convince him. Publicity can be a powerful motivator.

This 2x4 is not for you but it is for other BS that has not yet expose the A to the kids !. Exposure is a must !. The first thing is family, yes ... this includes children. Of course just info and no detail unless they ask and w/ age appropriate answer.

Affair Exposure

Binder, I would check w/ local law and see what you do about it. I am able to put down in my Dv decree that my kids would not left alone or under the care of OM or his mother !. I pettition for not to be around at all but the court allows it if is around. I lost that battle. Please check OM back ground. Know your enemy.

-rh-

RH.....I thought she agreed not to do this until we divorced if that was going to happen. It's not included in the separation agreement.

OM is a prominant physician/ asst. professor/ Air ambulance pilot......not good enough to carry my jockstrap though.

I felt the children were too young to tell.....maybe I was wrong not to do so.

I need to think.....I'm taking the kids to see their grandmother.....I appreciate all opinions here.

I won't do anything rash........yet.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Binder:
<strong> RH.....I thought she agreed not to do this until we divorced if that was going to happen. It's not included in the separation agreement.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

Never trust WS ... they will stop at nothing to satisfy their selfishness.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>OM is a prominant physician/ asst. professor/ Air ambulance pilot......not good enough to carry my jockstrap though.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OM is an OM ... stink, I would expose A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I felt the children were too young to tell.....maybe I was wrong not to do so. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They already know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Mine knew before I do. They need to be told by you. Again don't trust WS ... you are confusing WW with W !.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I need to think.....I'm taking the kids to see their grandmother.....I appreciate all opinions here.

I won't do anything rash........yet. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good. Explore all options within the boundry of thr law. Remember WS is not out to get you or to destroy your kids, it was purely an act out of her selfishness. Her selfishness is destructive to others around her.

-rh-

Binder, listen to what RH has to say. He's actually helping me with the same thing.

I also agree that your kids already know. My oldest is 5 and he understands what is going on. Mommy doesn't want to live in the house. I've tried to explain to him that Daddy does love Mommy and that mommy loves him and his brother and sis very, very much. At the same time I tell him that what is mommy is doing is wrong. I won't sugar coat it for him. I also tell him that Jesus can help mommy and that we need to pray for her. My kids love to go to church so my son likes to hear that we can pray for mommy.

If there were rules setup in the sep. papers and she's not following them then why can't you stop her? Or did I misread your post.

Native

Hi Binder - wish I had the perfect answer, but I don't.

I think the best you can do is to explain to your son that you disaprove of Mommy's friend and that they are doing something very wrong > Mommy wants this friend to replace you. Emphasize that he can call you if he wants to ask you questions or feels confused.

Some may disagree with this advice, arguing that it puts your son right in the middle of the mess. I counter this argument that he's already right in the middle.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">RH:
OM is an OM ... stink, I would expose A.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've exposed to OMW, my family, friends, some school moms, and the in-laws. I am willing to expose to the Pope now if it will save my kids from this. I no longer am concerned with marriage building.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">RH:
Good. Explore all options within the boundry of thr law. Remember WS is not out to get you or to destroy your kids, it was purely an act out of her selfishness. Her selfishness is destructive to others around her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the reminder, but right now I just want to treat the "symptom" any way I can....If it kills the patient.....oh well. (metaphorically speaking of course)


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Native00:
If there were rules setup in the sep. papers and she's not following them then why can't you stop her? Or did I misread your post. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry I wasn't clear...the agreement does not address this issue; she is not in violation of it.

WAT, I often seek and heed your counsel, I will consider that approach. I will likely speak to some child psychology professionals as well.

My gut tells me to destroy this relationship any way possible. Like I said, marriage building is not even a consideration presently.

I welcome all points of view on this.

<small>[ January 02, 2005, 02:14 PM: Message edited by: Binder ]</small>

^

Binder, are you concerned with the wellbeing of your son while he is with your WW and OM? I mean do they actually take good care of him? See that is the problem with my WW. She goes out all night and sleeps in while my kids are unsupervised in the mornings. Also I cannot trust the OM#1 or OM#2 that she was/is with. They are strangers and I will not have my children exposed to these types (night club types) of men.

So if the sep. papers didn't set up custody of your son, why does your WW have to have him? If your home and not her appt. is his primary residence, I can only assume that is the best place for him. Close to school, and friends and stuff like that. Do you have to give your son to WW so that you can go to work, or do you have daycare? I'm just wondering because in my sitch my WW is not looking out for the best interests of my kids, as somebody already said she is being selfish and only caring about herself.

Native

Native00,

WW has bought her own house less than 200 meters (that’s a yard with attitude) from my house. It even has the same floorplan. There is not even a street to cross to get there.

The separation agreement gives me from Thurs. PM to Tues AM one weekend, and Sat. AM to Mon AM the other. I work a 10 hour/4 day a week schedule. I need no day care to accommodate this. The part that isn’t addressed is the exposure to affair partner aspect, there is also no portion of family law here in Canada or my province to address this.

OM, other than a cheating, lying, adulterous, home wrecking philanderer has not shown overt tendencies to be a threat to the physical well-being of my children. He has a house now I guess, is a senior physician etc. I could not convince a court that my WW or he present a threat to the physical well-being of my children.

I have periodically read your situation. I hope you are seeking all avenues to get custody of those children. Your WW sounds like a threat to everyone she comes into contact with let alone her children. Your kids must be protected from her, the lounge lizards, and her present lifestyle. Document, document, document…then get a crack lawyer onboard.

Hi Binder,

Well I guess there not that much available to you legally, but since I'm no lawyer I won't say that definatively. I guess I don't have any advice for you then, except to tell your son, like others here have advised you to do. Your son (he's 7 right) is old enough to know what's going on, my oldest son is 5. So I guess if I were in your sitch I would just explain what is happening between Mommy and Daddy. I would also probably prepare your son for the obvious attempts the slimy OM will mostly likely do to try and replace you. Gifts, and other things.

Native

Binder,

I must agree with the others about opening up communication with your son regarding the OM. Since your WW doesn't have the good sense to keep OM away from him, and since the skunk doesn't even have the common decency to not present himself to your son.

Even though you are in Plan B, I would write a letter to your WW explaining the damage this would do to your son and appeal to her motherly instinct.

I would also write a letter to the skunk explaining/ appealing to him to not confuse your son any more than he already is by becomming a part of his life at his time. Too soon after the devestation of his universe as he knew it. Maybe someday when your son has had a chance to know that his world although changed is still safe, and will not continue to change with regards to new people being brought into it.

It is very important that children have a clear idea of who their parents are and that even given separation and possible divorce this will not change. Parents are NOT replaced and childrens emotional security in the issue is of vital importance.

I was lucky that my DD's dad and I agreed on this aspect of raising our daughter. I kept all boyfriends away from her until I thought I found "the one", and he did the same. She began her life with as much security in her universe as possible, and no contact with our romantic interests.

I feel for you...this type of thing breaks my heart because I know how fragile a childs universe in their mind really is, and they need to feel some control and some safety in it.

I would try the letters, written with as little disrespect as possible, from the heart of a dad. WW & OM must not get the message that this is a manipulation tactic, but is of the utmost sincerety for the emotional wellbeing of your children.

Oops nevermind.

<small>[ January 02, 2005, 05:10 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Weaver,

Appropriate advice.....too late.

She called to speak to our children.

I started by asking if she was out of her mind.

Good huh?

I told her I would have to tell my son what's going on as he will figure this out one day anyways. She said, it wasn't what I think...that OM slept on the couch at her place and S slept with WW. That they know he's "mommy's friend" and that's enough. I told her I will not lie to our children and they should not learn what her father taught her.

She went on about what my father (cold man) taught me (referring to plan B.) and the lack of conversation for 6 mos.

She went on that she doesn't want our son learning to hunt. I asked if she was comparing hunting to adultery.

"It's not adultery!!" she says.

I told her I will have to address this.

"Is that a threat?" and "Don't try and bully me!" Yadda Yadda Yadda.

So now what!

I cannot bring myself to write OM another letter. He has a copy of the plan B letter stating my preference for no contact with the children. I'm thinking of writing a letter more along the lines of an exposure letter, but addressing the children’s welfare. I’ll email a copy their bosses, the Dean of the faculty he teaches in, his fellow physicians and business associates.

I'm mad!