Folks, I have been offline for a while, but as predicted by many on MB, after applying MB principles, it appears that WW is now wanting to reconcile. It has taken over 6 months but it has happened.

Ironically, this situation is causing me so much mental anguish that I am having trouble functioning as a normal human being. I had all but decided that the M was over due to WW's refusal to stop A for over 6 months knowing full well what effect it was having on me, now she wants in again.

Christmas and the New year have been so tough for me. I cry at the drop of a hat, can't focus on anything for too long, suffering hot cold sweats. I feel like there is a knife in my gut and one in my heart, both being slowly twisted. everytime I see OM (as he live close by) or a reminder of him it makes me feel like screaming and doing him some harm.

What the hell do I do? My life seems so sh1t lately that I am struggling to stay sane!!

I know that I could take (what seems) the easy way out and try to reconcile, but I also realise that I am never goping to fully trust my FWW again. It sickens me to know that her and OP had PA. I need physical contact (i.e. sex) but it sickens me to know what they were doing. I also struggle knowing that I was second choice to WW as the OP dumped her once his spouse found out about A. Until then, I was never in the race!!

Any support greatly appreciated folks as this is killing me!!

<small>[ January 01, 2005, 03:13 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Hi RM,

I am sorry you sound so upset.I had a moment like this many months ago when I thought my WH was going to come home and reconcile(the third false time).I was freaking out and I came here asking what should I do? Turns out he was only telling his Dad this because he had lost yet ANOTHER job and needed a place to go,so why not the wife? That truned out to be a big ole mess.I didn't really want him back either at the time.

Anyway,do you know anymore sepcifics about why she is wanting to reconcile? What has she said to you? PLEASE don't let her come back home without DEFINITVE proof and committments to show you she is serious about this.The board has been flooded with false attempts and BS's letting their WS's come home too soon without a plan and certain conditions lately.

Can you fill us in on what has happened more specifically?

O

I think that this would be the hardest thing of all, when they want back. What a decision.

My sister once told me that making the decision was the hardest part of all, after that came the easy part.

I don't envy you, nor do I have any advise unfortunately.

Take it slow, you don't have to make a decision right away. Just breathe. Thats all RM, just breathe.

Hi Octobergirl - Thank you, yes I am concerned about false recovery, but also about knowing that I still have strong feelings for WS, but can't live with one eye looking over my shoulder all the time. My main problem is do I want to reconcile in the first place?

She has started to tell her mum / dad / me / anyone else that will listen that she misses me, loves me, and has realised that she screwed things up.

I am such a basket case right now that I do not know what to do just to get by.

BAckground- She started a EA six months ago, led into PA. Exposure to OP's spouse 2 months ago, at same time I asked Ws to move out. OP then promptly dumped WS to try and sve his M. Since then, virtually no contact between OP and WS except WS making a few phone calls to OP. On two occasions, OP's spouse contacted me to tell me that WW had tried to contact OP. That's it in a nutshell.

RM,

As sick as you feel, you need to realize you have the upper hand in all this. NOw how much she wants to recon and the real reasons are what you need to determine.

The reason why you are feeling so down is that your resolution and your deep feelings are still in conflict. That separated heart and mind syndrome commmon to many of us.

Sync it up. Time will come. Let her earn your trust back. Have a plan B plan and keep it in your back pocket should you chose to give her that chance.

The decision is now in your ballpark. Don't be foggy. You need that clear mind and calm heart more than ever right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Pray for it.

In reality you have more going for you than you realize you probably are just knocked down tired of all this A mess, right? Yep, I know, we know..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Keep posting and don't get sucked in by the fog babble.... ok? Watch her actions. Then watch your reactions.

L.

<small>[ January 01, 2005, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

WEAVER- Thanks, yes this is a very tough decision to have to re-make given I had decided to move on. I realise many on MB would envy to be in this situation right now.

Orchid - Yes, I am tired. I am angry, and a somewhat broken man right now. My heart and mind are still very obviously in conflict right now (and have been for some time. Many of my best friends have been doing the best to help me get by and I know that they would probably be disappointed at me feeling this way right now. And yes, I do realise that I have the upper hand right now, but it doesn't seem to make it any less painful.

I watch WS's actions, but only from a distance as I have asked for NC unless in emergency or if she genuinely needs something from our home. What things specifically should I be looking out for? Everything read is down the toilet at the moment, my world is upside down and inside out..

<small>[ January 01, 2005, 03:50 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

RM, I envy you. Yes, I do. You see my wife also had an affair, but in the end she chose to divorce me to be with the OM. As a results TWO families were destroyed. I am envious that you have a fighting chance to build a new marrige with your wife. I would have given anything for that opportunity.


As I recall there is a similar story in the book "Surviving an Affair". The man's wife had an affair and it ended only when the OM rejected her. So when she returnded to her husband, he knew it was only because the OM didn't want her. Not a very good feeling! I also recall that in the end, they built a new marriage and made it better than the old, dead one. A very good feeling!

Obviously, for your wife to return several things have to be in place.

#1, is 100% no contact with the OM. No exceptions. Not even a hi or hello if they accidently run into each other at the store. If he contacts her or she just bumps into him by accident she must tell you ASAP.

#2, She must be fully accountable to you for her actions. What, where and who? She must let you know all of this. All cell phones records, etc, must be avialable to you, and above all NO Secrets. No secret e-mail id's or any nonsense like that.

#3, she and you must be ready to go into counseling with somebody who knows his stuff and who is dedicted to helping you build an new marriage.

If you haven't read Surviving an Affair do it NOW!

RM -

Well seems to me, you now hold all the cards. There is no hurry to do anything. Yes, it would be more pleasant to get over the indecision, but please take your time.

First I would insist on some counseling for the two of you. See if she shows up and is willing to do the work. That will tell you a lot.

Lots of folks get back together after the WS is dumped. Don't look at that as a problem. It is very common. But you do need to look at how willing your wife is to look at issues and work on them. Otherwise, you will have the same old marriage you had.

JustinExplorer - Thank you. I realise how selfish and stupid I must seem to some (most here). That feeling of being second best is with me every day in every aspect of my life.

OP is not good looking and WW is stunning, which made it difficult for me to understand her choice. I know there are dozens of guys that she could have had and were / are interested in her, but instead went for that dirt bag. I realise that no matter what, an A is an A and it would have hurt irrespective of whom it was, but I knew this guy so it hurt even more.

Life is so complicated right now. Was actually doing better when I thought she wanted out and that's where I was heading. This U turn in her emotions has thrown me. One day at a time, one day at a time!!

believer - Thank you, I know I should be grateful, but I feel like I am being smothered under this great big blanket of misery / depression.

WW has stated for the first time that maybe we should go to MC together, God knows I tried to get here there with me earlier, wht didn't she agree then!! (probably not ready I guess)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Lots of folks get back together after the WS is dumped. Don't look at that as a problem. It is very common. But you do need to look at how willing your wife is to look at issues and work on them. Otherwise, you will have the same old marriage you had.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And that is so accurate, will I have the same old marriage as before? Hell I don't want many parts of it, especially the memories of the A that will obviously haunt me for a very long time. All the little and not so little lies have made it difficult for me to beleive anything that WW is saying at present. Thinking of WW and OP wirithing around intimately together just kills me and makes me sick!!

I keep asking myself, how will this be able to change?

RM,

You can now play back some of that fog babble you received before.

Let her convince you and you think about it. If you like what she is offering, then work with it. If not, then tell her you will think about it.

She maybe now fighting for her M and you are too tired to fight. So tell her not to fight but to help you see hope in the M.

Then let her do most of the recovery work. You have done a lot already. When you strength to recovery improves, you can partner up and recover together.

Sound doable?

L.

Hi again RM,

I just wanted to say I agree with believer in that you have the "luxury" of time to wait and see how you feel.Your WW must understand how difficult this is for you so she will have to give you at least a little time to adjust and think about what you want.Afterall,you waited for her all this time without running off to the nearest D lawyer and cutting her off completely.She must extend the same courtesy to you now.

O

Orchid - Thank you. I will try. I guess that I don't have to make a call right now on what the future holds as beleiver, octobergirl and others have said. Impatience / desperation / frustration / and hurt are causing me to fix the problem right now. I have been "dying from a thousand paper cuts" as it was put to me for quite some time.

Yes, WW may have to make the effort now as I am very tired.

Any views on this next point - Do you think that joint counselling would benefit me irrespective of wether I chose to stay in the M?

<small>[ January 01, 2005, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RenaissanceMan:
<strong> ..Any views on this next point - Do you think that joint counselling would benefit me irrespective of wether I chose to stay in the M? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I do. Again go with the flow and realize you don't have to carry the burden. It is more in her court as to the recovery efforts. If you have done a fair plan A and B as needed, then she knows she has to win you back. Anything less should not be accepted as enough.

Why? Because joining in the MC will have a positive effect on you as a person. T/b used in this M or later.

L.

Orchid, thanks, thats what I thought. Will float the idea about her organising MC and see what happens.

I am going offline shortly and don't know when I will have access again so sorry if I do not respond promptly.

Happy new year, RM,

I have been wondering how you are doing and am glad to see you posting. I am not surprised that WS has decided to recon....maybe she saw her mistake and now wants to try to make it right...if she is missing you...then pat yourself on the back...it means you did a great Plan A (love deposits and no LB's) and Plan B (went dark--remember how we struggled with that).

I understand your confusion...about recon...I have been in recovery for two months and I still feel torn. There are some moments when I know it is the right thing to get back together...I can always still leave if it doesn't work out, but I don't know if I can always come back. I hope you will give M a chance when you are ready as I know there were so many postings that is what you said you wished would happen. Now that time is here. Here are a couple of random thoughts:

*Go slowly with the recon, I think I let xWS back too soon and it lead to a false recovery/Plan B #2. If I had to do it all over again, I would have let xWS express desire to come back and then continued to meet/talk over conditions for two weeks before letting him back into house.

*Think of boundaries---NC, of course; opening up life eg cell, Visa bills, accountability for time; and definately MC--6 months? (with MB if you can afford it) or how about MB seminar.

*I think there will be those ambivalent days....I still have them. I think there will be days when you feel very damaged...I still have them. Sometimes I force myself to be caring for WS because I'm trying to fake it until I make it. You will need left over love to save M.....I still have some....but it is running dry so xWS probably has to get on the stick pretty soon to make a deposit with me...not enough reserve to save M by myself anymore.

*I don't want foggy WS or old WS.....I realize now how unhappy I was even with old WS which lead me to disconnect and lead him to wander. I want new and improved M and I must continue to work hard for it.

I just want to send my support and hope you will choose to retry M when you are ready. Go slow and seek IC and MB board to help sort out your feelings. Take care and happy new year.

Regards, SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RenaissanceMan:
<strong> My main problem is do I want to reconcile in the first place? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe you don't need to decide this right now. Maybe you can take some time, get some joint counseling and see if it goes anywhere. Put the decision on the back burner until you feel comfortable making a decision. If it was meant to be, it will be - and if it is for real, it'll still be there later. As long as you don't burn bridges and don't LB in the meantime, you should be able to take the time you need without jeopardizing things. If it is for real, that is.

Good luck with your decision.

RM

from a FWW point (me) of view I don't think YOU need to decide anything any time soon.
It is really up to your FWW to show how committed she is to a 'new' M or is she just wanting a haven because she was dumped.

Your distrust will be immense, dont hide it be open about it. She really needs to know how high is the mountain she has to climb.

She must be totally open to you with accounts, email, credit cards, bank accounts, cell phones, etc, etc, all those things where she can hide the actual affair or contact.
EVEN IF LIVING PART
I have NOTHING in my own name its joint or in my H name, I have given him TOTAL control, is that good or bad??? Don't know but just as he has to begin trusting me slowly I have to trust him.

Counselling is a must I really feel that for both of us. Helped his resentment and 'hate'- perhaps not too strong a word - and my immense guilt and remorse.
He has stopped going but I do still go because we have a VERY good IC/MC who knows us so well and the situation. Its hard, it hurts but it does work.
He felt and feels with some justice that I broke it and I must fix it... which is correct up to a point. But then he has to take my hand and walk forward with me side by side ......or walk away.

Not that either of us see the other one walking away...........no we are in it for the long haul, despite the pain and hurt.

And even should you decide to work on the M you dont have to invite her back to live with until YOU are ready if you ever are.

The whole ball game is entirely in your hands, YOU decide where, when and how or even if. A FWW has to show ACTIONS, words are nothing and have been used against you previously.

Again I think the first thing is to let her know how BIG a mountain she has to climb... see if she really wants to...you dont need to be hurt any more....and if she does and you do give it a try, remember she can come here and speak to a number of other FWW because during this process she will also need to vent & cry and all the rest.

But think about what YOU want. Its your time now.

Wishing you a muuch better 2005.

RM,

I agree with Orchid and many others here. You have NOTHING to worry about. What your W says means nothing, it is what she does.

So continue on your course, but allow her the opportunity to show you that she is worth having back. You are worrying about things before there is really anything to worry about.

As for the second choice thing??? Well, it is all in how you define it. You were her first, first choice, she choose OM, and now she has to make another choice currently it is you. But RM it is not the reason for the choice that is so important, it is that you two have an OPPORTUNITY to determine IF the marriage can work, IF you and she have learned enough to make a good marriage, and IF she has done too much damage for the marriage to survive.

If in the end you decide to leave you will know it was because you wanted to. She is offering you a chance to clear things and settle things in your own mind and life. I say be kind, be open, and be careful, but allow her to show you what will work.

God Bless,

JL