I guess I am just bumming hard tonight. Feeling really sorry for myself because I haven't dipped in a while. Boy I am going have to dip now and then because when you get used to the ups the downs feel harder or something. But that could just be me feeling major pity for myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Who knows.


Tiggy

Oops forgot to say you are right. We will get past this. I like the image of keeping my hands inside. I will do my absolute bestest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Tiggy

Bob:

Don't be so sad.

I used to get like that all the time. I felt the worst when I looked at the affair from my perspective. If you are like me you are not wired to have an affair. So whenever you analyze the affair by your wife you are overcome by sorrow. I go thru the same emotions Bob. When one is not a person who can lead a double life or fall for cheap romance in the dark (based on lies and deceit) the affair is very hard to swallow.

I was also in a good marriage Bob. I would say at least an 8/10 rating. I felt in love with my wife 24/7 and enjoyed her company. We were not pressed like two adolescents, but we had SF twice a week (after 29 years), went on dates, and had romantic many moments. Perhaps Myrta understood that the calmness of a 29-year-old marriage was neglect from my part. In any event we would probably feel much less pain if we had treated our wives like crap, but the reality is that we did not. This is another factor that causes a lot of pain.

Bob---- you need to understand the mindset of the folks that have affairs. This is something I discussed with SadFWW at length. Most WWs have low self-esteem and are dreamers. There is a saying in Spanish---------- These folks “dream with pregnant Birds”. Their reality is not reality and they do stupid things to feed the addiction. Yes, they must have an addictive personality as well.

My wife Myrta did some INCREDIBLE things that she would not be able to explain to our kids and family in a hundred years. IN fact, I am not sure she can explain it to herself. Her relationship was also bizarre Bob. The beast and the beauty was how OM described them as a couple------- he was correct. I have to give credit to Myrta in that she never planned to elope with OM. At least she recognized OM was not viable. However, she admired OM, she felt he could walk on water.

From the outside looking in it is VERY bizarre. I cannot imagine what my four daughters would say if they ever know about this.

What I am trying to say Bob is that WWs become silly and completely detached from reality. That is why they do what they do------- it makes no sense! We will never be able to understand. Perhaps if we were OMs we would have some empathy, but we are not wired like that. BTW, Myrta’s OM was really fogged--------- he still is. Can you imagine being a beast all your life and suddenly have a beauty for a lover. Poor man, he will never get over this and will never find another woman that can compare to Myrta. If that is his punishment---- great!

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 09:21 AM: Message edited by: Stan-ley ]</small>

Bob, I absolutely forbid you to go on holiday ever again. You are like a changed man since you've been back - is it jetlag?

Seriously, you have a different tone and you're making me worried. Before, you made me jealous of recovery and now I'm thinking how peaceful my life is in comparison (on my own with kids). I look around and don't really see many satisfying marriages. Most people are just together through habit and I don't see much love. Don't mean to sound so negative but am really concerned that your wife won't even read a frigging book for you. She just doesn't get it. Hope she wakes up soon but please try and block out those dark thoughts about death. Can't stand hearing you so sad. TT

Bob,

I've read this whole thread, and I can't believe how down you sound! Are you in IC? I hope so.

Just wanted to say that I hope things get better and that you have some confidence about your M soon.

Pepperband-I agreed with a LOT that you said. It all truly made me think! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

CC

Bob, read my response to you on the Iville thread.

Bob, the first holiday alone with H triggered me big time. We took a boat to romantic Catalina Island (26 miles across the sea... la la la) and stayed in a lovely suite overlooking the charming village and harbor.

JUST being in a motel was a trigger !!! Taking a bath with my H in the giant spa tub was a trigger. Breakfast in bed was a trigger. I knew he had enjoyed all these pleasures with OW and it really pissed me off, and I instigated a big old fight in order to release my pent up hurt.

The next time we went on holiday, was easier... and every time after that was easier still.... now, I never even think about it except when posting here trying to help someone else over that bridge.

You will not feel this way forever. You're just going to have to trust me on this Bob. Because the feeling is so intense right now, you cannot imagine ever feeling empty of this pain ... but I do feel empty of all the pain Bob. No pain. No resentment. Nada. Just happy and grateful for what we have today. Peace can be yours, just not now.

Pep

All

Its cowardice, thats all. I look down the road of more work from me, more investment, more maturity and I sigh a deep sigh within me. I have months/years of this uninstinctive effort ahead of me, and I MUST do it for my kids, my Squid, myself. And God.

I have no choice. I am a knight not a serf.

I must be what my family needs me to be. That is patient, loving, imploring, consistent, cajolong, forgiving....all that cr@p.

Squid just held me and said "you must be saft to take me back. Thank you, I love you. My life would be absolutely cr@p if you hadn't. Imagine how the kids would be if you hadn't ? Thank you."

* 'saft' is a regional colloquialism meaning daft and silly : soft in the head in a nice way. *

And she wore a particuar favourite undervest for me while she did some ironing...... * ahem *

I must pack away my taker for a while and get back on the recovery horse. I have to be stronger for longer. Thats just the way it has to be.


I love her.I have the strength from God to carry the recovery while she cannot. This is my job.

I will stop moaning and start praying more.

Thanks all.

pep, the Holiday didn't seem to trigger me while I was there.

Its just that Squid was behaving so, well, NORMALLY, that it all felt a bit like a veneer.

TBH one night Squid seduced me and I couldn't carry it out owing to a flash trigger of that old [censored] inside her, feeling what she and God gave to ME.
She made a gentle joke about my being old and I retorted with the truth - that when I rarely can't or don't 'perform' it is thoughts of her infidelity that stops me, not anything physical.

She wasn't happy at that.

I do not regret the honesty though. I was gentle with it, not using it as a weapon or anything.

Time and more patience is all thats needed. I will look for a church-based counsellor. That will help us get a church too.
Thans Pep. We'll live <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Squid just held me and said "you must be saft to take me back. Thank you, I love you. My life would be absolutely cr@p if you hadn't. Imagine how the kids would be if you hadn't ? Thank you." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob Keep up the great job... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Squiddy's actions might not be on YOUR schedule... but as long as YOU are on God's schedule, then your schedule doesn't really matter all that much...

Semper Fi,
RIF

TT, don't be worried hon. It just a dip after a few weeks of rising on the 'coaster.

We'll be OK. I'l be OK. Sadness brings out the drama queen in me I guess.

I AM really sad, but I won't do anything stupid.
all blessings

{{{TT}}}}

Bob: I don't usually post to your threads, but I do usually read them. Just one question, and I don't mean to minimize your pain by asking it.

You said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The realization that much of Squid's regret is that her affair never came to anything more or that it ended too soon is part of the reason for my sadness now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you know that she feels this way? Or how did you realize that she felt this way may be a better way to ask it.

My wife was very sorry the affair had to end. This is not a DJ because she told me so in a moment of radical honesty. However, she was also relieved at the same time.

Perhaps the implication is that this is a DJ on Bob's part.

My dear friends and gentle people,

I do not think it was the holiday (aka: vacation) that has made Bob "depressed." He has been telling us that he feels this for a long time--he just was never so graphic before. I have to honestly say this does not surprise me in the least.

Bob--(((HUGZ)))) to you. It's a rough day today, huh? Feeling like you're doing it all alone while the FWW gets to relax and enjoy herself. Here's my thought. Take one day--today--and treat yourself gently. No need to make progress today or be the knight in dented armour...just be Bob today and take up the gauntlet tomorrow.

BTW, you will have mail.


CJ

Had a good afternoon and evening yesterday. I feel a lot better and more secure.

So does Squid.

Hard this 'rollercoaster' stuff....

Thanks everyone...

RH, you asked : How do you know that she feels this way? Or how did you realize that she felt this way may be a better way to ask it.

In the absence of unequivocal statements I am forecd to piece together strips of information from Squid and OM GF since d-day.

She has never expresed a negatove opinion of OM or her affair, only that she feels guilty for it, bad about it and that 'it wasn;t worth the hassle'.

Now its been some weeks since she expressed any opinion whatsoever about her affair, but in the absence of categorical statements what am I to believe ?

Spurious I know but the mind plays tricks....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> Spurious I know but the mind plays tricks.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob, this is one reason that it's so important to share your true feelings with Squiddy and not hide them...

You and Squid must communicate with each other... If you have a feeling or a thought, talk with her about it. To hold it in and ruminate on it will only bring up the absolute worst case scenario every time!

Learn to communicate your feelings w/o accusing or attacking Squiddy... this is one thing that MC really helped me with as I learned to get over my conflict avoidance nature...

Semper Fi,
RIF

RIF I know mate...I know.

Trouble is if I asked her " do you still think of the affair as a love tracically gone bad?" what is she gonna reply ? " Yeah, I miss him every day !"

Of course not !

I realise now that I will never have what I desire - an assurance that Squid regrets all parts of her affair, even the stuff that was fun for her at the time until it disgusts her enough to tell me spontaneously.

Its pointless asking her to tell me stuff that she feels may hurt me or make me think badly of her, not yet anyways...

regarding MC I'm going to try to get church-based counselling. I'll need to talk to a couple of counsellors first though - check out their approach.

There are no pro marriage secular counsellors in the UK that I have been able to find.

double post... sorry

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 06:11 AM: Message edited by: RIF ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> I realise now that I will never have what I desire - an assurance that Squid regrets all parts of her affair, even the stuff that was fun for her at the time until it disgusts her enough to tell me spontaneously. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok... You will never be able to change what happened during the A. It's all in the past... The "good" memories for Squid and the OM were all a fantasy. Yes, the thought of those "good" memories hurts you. Squid should have spent those good memories with you... but she didn't.

Part of the healing process is to recognize what was lost... then grieve those losses. Bob, I know how painful it is to know that our W's have been with another man. I know how it feels to wonder if I'm "as good"... Recognize your pain and your loss... give yourself time to grieve the loss... then move on.

Now, as far as the "good" memories go... I think that you and Squiddy are making NEW memories together... that's great! It took my W and I almost two years before we really started re-connecting with each other. Yes, the pain is still there... but try not to focus on the pain... Look for ways to make new memories with Squiddy and then go for it!

You're doing great... give Squiddy a hug and tell her that you love her and go and build some new memories with her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF