Hi everyone-it has been a while since I have posted-haven't had a lot to say and frankly I haven't even wanted to talk about this M anymore-it seems so hopeless sometimes I wonder "why bother?"

Wed me and WH took our son for a procedure so we had to spend the whole day together. It went ok until the ride home. I was on his cell phone w/ his mother and OW beeped him. I didn't answer it. but of course it made me mad so I started crying and we started arguing. We fought for a while and then WH started crying and reached over and wnated me to lay my head on his shoulder. He asked me why we did this to each other-why we hurt each other so bad. He said he "couldn't seem to make a decision" and didn't know what was going to happen. Then he told me that I promised him I would be there for him and then I go away and why dod I do that-what the heck does that mean? So we both cried almost the whole way home. I felt like absolute CRAP the rest of the night and I called him and asked if we could just talk....so we did and we both apoligized and just kinda talked things out. He told me he still felt all alone-he said he couldn't talk to me about OW and he couldn't talk to her about me-he feels like he has no one to talk to. He also told me that he felt on Christmas Eve like I belonged at his famiy's and he didn't-which made me feel REALLY bad, but he asked me to bet there.

Anyway-yesterday was the day he was going to go w/ OW to see her family, but he kept the kids so i could work instead. When I got home I invited him to stay for New years. but he said he was tired and was going to bed-WHO knows if he did or not-but he said he did. I went to bed as well-who cares about ringing in ANOTHER year of this crap!

So today I went to visit some family out of state and he left a voice mail on my cell that said "Just wanted to check on the kids and make sure everyone is ok-I know you all are visiting. You don't have to call me back-I will talk to you later". So-of course I called him back-I KNEW he was w/ OW and that is why he didn't want to talk to me. He said he was shopping but he never admitted to be being w/ her. I got all upset AGAIN and he told me that this happened to people everyday-that I needed to quit being so dramatic-that when he left me he thought it would stop this controlling, but that I still think I can control his life and that is what bothered me-that this is all about me and not the kids-etc. Maybe he is right-maybe I am just a control freak.....I don't know anymore. I know I am so tired of hurting, thinking about it all the time, but mostly of STILL loving him and not being able to let him go-why can't I just do that? Why can't I just move on and realize this is over. He tells me all the time that I could not have been happy in our marriage and that I don't love him, I just think I do........

Some days I do so well and I actually think MAYBE I am going to get through this, but then I realize I feel the same way and I am no better than I was 4 mths ago. I just want some peace......I want things to be different......I want my life back......I want a chance to be a GOOD wife.......but oh well-doesn't look that way.....

Sorry guys this is so long-just needed to moan a while!

Sorry that you are feeling this way. I can relate so much to your post. I could have wrote that myself. Your thoughts and feelings are what runs through my mind each day. Even the things your WH says are the exact same things I hear.

Just know that we will make it through this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sorry you are going through all of this. Just because it upsets you that he is with OW, does not mean that you are controlling. What a crock of Sh*t!

Might be time for you to go to Plan B.

Thanks guys-it helps to know that there are other people going through the same things-and surviving.

I was pretty controlling our marriage-I realize now it was b/c I always felt he was so "disconnected" from us that I tried to MAKE him be involved and that pushed him further away. I guess I am a bit overboard right now-you would think I would get used to the fact that he is doing things w/ her-but it hurts so much every time-just like it is the first time all over again. I guess I am kinda like a swimmer who is drowning-I am flailing around trying to keep my head above water and splashing and gasping and trying to hold anything I can........

Hold on to us and the MB plan. You are not alone in this.

Hey, nice to meet you, I was controlling, intimidating, horrible, mean, a bad wife, a horrible mother, unintelligent, didn't take care of myself, and so many other lovely descriptive words....in other words, the "victim" (as I affectionately refer to him)uses all these and more to justify their abominable behavior.

I do not care how controlling you may have been, it could have been worked out in marriage counseling; I don't care what you were or what I was, or what any betrayed space was, nothing, and absolutely nothing justifies an affair.

I still cry and probably always will for the devastation that this simple act of selfishness has caused the me and the children. And the victim says the same things...it is difficult to hurt the OW, he cannot make the decision, blah, blah, blah.

Try it, blah, blah, blah...the childishness feels so good sometime.

If you feel like crying, get it out. Eventually you will say when enough is enough.

Thanks Karena-I know only I can determine when enough is enough-I am still trying to figure out why I care so darn much about him in the first place! Wish I could just cut my losses and walk away, never look back, and not feel anything-he doesn't seem to be having that hard of a time w/ it.

Last night around 11 pm my phone rang-I was already asleep. It was WH apoligizing about what he had been doing and about the argument we had had earlier. Now why do you suppose he was calling so lat? B/C he had just gotten home, she wasn't w/ him and wouldn't know he was calling.......b/c she obviously has started not being to fond of him calling here-what a shock! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He called some today-but I wasn't here and he left a message wanting to know how the kids were-I didn't call him back-I decided to let him wonder about them. So I get home from church and he called from work b/c he hadn't been able to get a hold of me and was worried.....whatever. I was short w/ him-told him the kids were fine and I needed to go. He said "ok-I won't bother you anymore" and I said "ok-bye" and hung up. Before I would have said "oh-your no bother" but I am tired of that-tired of being played.

Anyway-I just hope and pray I can learn to just let go of all this and move on.