I suppose I'll pass along a first of the year update... (with a few questions attached!)

Yesterday (1/1) marked the 1 year point that my WW and I separated. It's been a challenging year for me, but one that I honestly feel has had more good than bad happen for me.

I had initially set the 1 year "landmark" as the point in time that I would seek to move on entirely, to file for divorce.

With that in mind, I sent WW a text message (it's apparently the only way that she is capable of communicating with me....) yesterday, asking her: Are we just going to be 'married' like this forever?

Shortly, after this text message was sent, I get a call from a friend who tells me that they saw WW at a bowl game in Orlando. Later yesterday afternoon, I get the reply: She was going to talk to someone this week.

I asked how much she had done so far. She said basically nothing. I told her that I was perplexed as to what had taken so long, but told her that I was interested in finding our least expensive route for this. She said that she didn't have the money to get it done as of yet, as she was only working part time. I asked how her weekend was going <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . She got testy, saying that I didn't know her financial situation, that's why she's living with her parents know, blah.....

As a sidenote, my best friend and I both make at least DOUBLE what WW is making. (And OM, I believe....) We determined that the trip to the bowl game was too expensive. Maybe our priorities are just messed up, huh?

Anyway, WW also asked the question: Why do you need to be divorced so bad anyway?

Call me cynical, but aren't there just some questions that people should know better than to ask? She also said, you could file, ya know?

Anyway, I found it quite interesting that I had done more work/investigation into the divorce proceedings than she had. I also was surprised (not much) that she was willing to hide behind the no money excuse.

It's quite apparent that she is about as screwed up as she was when she left, if not more. She is working at a new job (3rd in 6 months), for the same company as OM1. She has been with OM3 for almost a year now, yet none of the parties responsible for this mess have made one step towards improving the situation. (I know, money's tight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

So my question is this? How should I proceed from this point. Do I continue to try and get her to go the mediation route? Do I just sit back and let her do it? Do I forgo all that and just do everything myself? What should I expect (behavior-wise) from her, now that I am ready to "proceed?"

Ethan

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

Furnitureman,

You have been separated for a year? If you are ready, I would go talk to an attorney and get the ball rollin'. Here is what I am finding out. My STBXW is turning into the typical horror woman you always hear about. We both talked about how we were going to try and be civil about this, but it's not going down that road and we are only a month into it.

Good luck to ya,

ISBTH

Ethan,

I could give a safe answer essentially suggesting you do what you want to do, but I gotta be honest.

It's time for you to leave Grasshopper.

Take your ball and go home. You have gone above and beyond for an ideal, a conception of fidelity and commitment that woman cannot even comprehend. Even now she shows no remorse, only a superficial sense of envy and embarrassment as she compares a life in mom's basement with a lousy job to your life.

This woman has cheated on you three times. You have no children. You do not have to explain to anyone why you divorced her. She has given her implicit permission for you to end the marriage.

Obviously it is a personal decision, but you have an opportunity to start afresh without the extra responsibility of children. I suggest you then determine any character traits she has that would have given some idea as to her sense of values and avoid them completely in future relationships.

Set yourself free.

I can't believe I just suggested someone get divorced!!

<small>[ January 02, 2005, 06:24 PM: Message edited by: Binder ]</small>

Actually, Binder, you pretty much hit the nail on the head.

I am no longer concerned about recovering my marriage to the creature that was once my W.

Even if she made some miraculous 180, (it could happen...it snowed in Louisiana on Christmas, for crying out loud!), I'd have to believe that I'd be pppprrrreeetttttyyyyy hesitant to re-establish a relationship with her. I truly believe that I'm going to have MAJOR trust issues in any future relationship, much less one that involves someone who has cheated on me multiple times.

I'm actually more concerned about getting through the legal side of the D fairly unscathed.

Is it best that I treat her with.... ahem....respect through this?

I am kind of torn between the "don't let the door hitcha where the good lord splitcha" side of me, and the more patient/docile (more usual) side of me......

Any suggestions?

Ethan,

Thanks for the post on my thread...I will go slow, I always sound a lot tougher and radical when posting....helps me explore what I can/can't/will/won't do. Anyways...

I think the same line you've been taking would apply to the divorce process; patient, thoughtful, but with your eye on a goal. Working something out with a mediator and having it checked by lawyer is not a bad way to go. Assets can be fairly easy to split if there's not children, a business, large investments and such.

Conflict is expensive.

I'm sorry it's come to this for you. I really think you have a scenario that speaks to a character flaw that is not easily remedied. In such cases the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

Oooops....Double Double post post

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

Things have become quite curious over the past couple days.

I spoke with MIL on Monday. She had sent a birthday card last week and I called to thank her. She asked about my text messages with WW, about a mediator. I explained about a D mediator, and how that would be the least expensive way for us to go through this. We talked about that for a while, but I never really got anything concrete settled with that. It seemed MIL was (at least under the surface) a little aggravated that WW seemed to only want to communicate with me via TM.

MIL also asked about my female friend, asking if I had a girlfriend. (Wow, I'm Jon from "Surviving an Affair"...) I told her that FF and I don't really spend much time together anymore. I explained that I was looking for someone to hang out with, she was looking for more...(way more) I explained to MIL, that I was a long way from being able to trust anyone. (She said "I can't imagine why" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) I also told her that FF had exhibited some Jekyll and Hyde tendencies and that I had done my time with J&H. (She kind of chuckled at that.)

MIL told me that WW was having financial problems, and "didn't know" who paid for the trip to the bowl game. (Ummm, what about OM3, who apparently has enough $$$ for a football trip, but not enough to pay for his sweetie to get the divorce that is so "badly wanted" by everyone...grrrr) She also told me that WW was actually working "odd jobs" before she got her current PT job. I know she can't pay all of her bills on a FT income much less, an odd job income. Wow.....

It was a great conversation with MIL, and I seemed to pick up that she is tired with it all. She lives in a small 4 bedroom house, with: Her 25yo D, who has had 3 A's and still isn't divorced, 21yo StepS, who has done most drugs at some point, a 16yo son who is a social hermit that dropped out and got his GED, and plays on the computer all day, and a 20yo D who doesn't work or go to school, and has a 3yo illegit S also living in that house. MIL has actually done the majority of the work in raising him. Wow, that was crazy just to type..... I think one of the things that frustrates MIL, is that I kind of provided WW with an escape from all that, and she didn't take it. OM3 isn't helping with her bills, and I know that drives MIL and FIL crazy, even if they don't say it.

That's wild.

Then today comes. I have an "couple" (H47, W37) that I am friends with who were very supportive of me during the past year. H actually is one of the few that stood up to WW, and said if she didn't stop what she was doing, he was out. W (above) calls me today and said that WW asked her to go to lunch. They had probably talked by phone maybe 2 or 3 times since April. She called me nervous, asking if WW knew about FF and the such. I explained about FF, and simply told her to have a good time.

It was strange. I didn't have that anticipation, that maybe she could "say something that could make a difference" or whatever. I'm still saddened by the mess that WW created for herself, but I don't have much desire (if any) to help her out of it. Indifference, I guess.

My biggest concern now is that WW may be seeing the carnage around her, and squirming a bit. I'm afraid that if she comes back, that I may feel pressure to try, simply because of my feelings about marriage and the like. That scares me a little.

I'll still push forward with the D, as it's plain to see that my love bank is just plain empty. There's no heart strings left for WW to tug on, if she ever chose to. I'll call the mediator, and try to set an appointment up. Guess I'll see what happens next.

If you made it this far, thanks.

I guess my only question is: What can I expect from WW?

Ethan

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 08:52 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

what to expect from ww? probably that she will get "mean?" she seems to be perfectly happy w/her cake eating and wants everything to be done for her so somehow that relieve some of the guilt she is inevitably to experience. so that means you treat things matter of fact and business like and do what is needed to get things done. still do things and act in a way that you will be able to look back and not regret the way you conducted yourself. but the time has come to proceed with the D and take control of the situation.

my D will probably be finalized in a couple of weeks and i'm actually glad about it believe it or not. continued prayers to you, RR

Ethan - I'm with Binder. Cut the cord. File yourself. No need for mediation.

Just re-read your description of your W's family. Those characteristics are not coincidental.

You're young and now WAY smarter about relationships than you were before. Heck, I have T-shirts older than you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Look at the "unfair" advantage (over your peers) you now have in seeking an honorable woman.

Guy at a bar trying to impress a woman: "Hey Babe, wanna go to my apartment and see my etchings?"

Ethan: "Which emotional need is more important to you, conversation or companionship?"

See?

Hey, what about that weenie dog deal?

WAT

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

rr,
I'm happy that you are at peace with your sitch. I know you'll find what you deserve.

WAT,
I am more than prepared to cut the cord. I just don't want to damage myself in the process.

And the wiener dog? Do you think you can UPS it to me?

I spoke to my WW today regarding the divorce.

Believe it or not, she was entirely clueless about the divorce process. I basically had to explain everything to her.

I have to admit, I am still completely baffled that someone who was so hell-bent on divorce, not only had done NOTHING to get it done, but knew NOTHING about it.

Amazing.

I have decided that tomorrow. I'm going to show up at NASA and start working as an astrophysicist. I may know nothing about it, but I'm going. When I get there, I'm not going to try to learn about it, I'm just going to go.

Who's with me?

Anyway, I told her that I'm waiting to hear back from my L, to see how to get it started. I told her about the waiver of service. Why am I still nice to her? She is going to see a L she was referred to tomorrow. I guess we'll compare notes and go from there.

I was surprised to hear a very, very smug, almost angry (tone) in her voice. I just don't get it. I have yet to say the first negative thing about her, and still treat her like a gentleman.

But I guess I never will.

I have to admit that I am saddened. Still haven't figured out why.

Blah.

Ethan

Ethan, our WWs are soul sisters, though mine only had this one A, far as I know.

I think this conflict avoidance business is really terrifically common among people with marriage problems. Your W seems a pro at it.

Americans, more than folks from any other place I've known, seem to take everything that's said to them personally. I think this is all part of conflict avoidance, the epidemic of infidelity, our tendency to have misunderstandings, all that.

But I digress. Don't know where I was going with that.

You've been a wonderful feller all through your storm, Ethan. And only 26! That's lucky, dude.

GC

I agree with the epidemic thing. It's just frightening how prevalent it is.

I definitely have a greater appreciation/ability to recognize conflict avoidance.

I suppose in my next mate, I'll search for someone who rages at me constantly...that'll fix it....

And thanks for the kinds words....but I'm 28 now.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Whoops! You old codger.

I must have been thinking of Juke.

Hey, I've been snagging Pearl Jam tunes off p2p for a while. I've lost track of them over the years, a little. I saw them first at a club in '91, then at Lollapalooza in '92 with Ministry, Ice Cube, the Chili Peppers, Soundgarden, uh, let's see... Jesus & Mary Chain, Lush. What a show. Too much great music for one day.

Maybe winter is giving me the grunge appetite. I dug out some sadly neglected CDs and listened to "Spoonman" looooooudd the other night. One of my favorite songs from those days.

GC

fm:

Binder and WAT beat me 2 the punch. Go for it.

"I have decided that tomorrow. I'm going to show up at NASA and start working as an astrophysicist. I may know nothing about it, but I'm going. When I get there, I'm not going to try to learn about it, I'm just going to go.

Who's with me?"

I know some NASA astrophysicists. It's worth a shot, in my view.

One has a sign on his office door that says: "If you can see it, it ain't worth studying." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-ol' 2long

Ethan,

For what it is worth I believe it is time for you to fly.

We have been doing this for so long now. I can remember last winter how much this hurt. You have come so far.

You are a great guy with so much a head of you. I know you view D as the last straw, but do you really want someone who can't commit in your life and M?

You will be okay. You need to do this to be free to move on. You are so young and capable of many things.

Good Luck to you.

HINY