Hi all...
I have come here for advice and support, and will no doubt end up with a lot of critisicm, but I know I deserve it.
I have made a ton of mistakes and am at the point where I just don't know how to go on.
I married a woman I love almost 5 years ago. We had lots of problems. Even went to counseling. But it did not really help. Things remained at square one. About 2 yrs ago I met a woman online quite innocently. Little did I know what meeting someone online in a common interests forum could blow up into. It swallowed me whole and I ended up head over heels in love and beyond anything I could even believe was happening to me. She was in the same boat as me. And without knowing it we became so emotionally attached to each other that one day I simply knew that I don't know how on earth I would be able to live without her in my life.
Very soon after we met, my wife found out about my online friend. I knew what was the right thing to do and so did the other woman. We tried to stay away from each other but it did not work. A year ago, we broke things off vowing to never contact each other again. My wife and I started to rebuild our marriage and it was rough but we tried. After a few months however, I realized that we were not really getting anywhere. On top of all I was in agony because I missed my online friend so much. I contacted her. And we have been commnicating in secret ever since. I could not bear to tell my wife about it and put her through the misery she went through. But I am addicted.
Things have cruised on this way for many months now. But 2 weeks ago my wife told me she is ready to start a family. She wants to start trying to conceive. I am horrified at this situation. I want to do the right thing and let my online friend go, in secret, without my wife ever even knowing that I had communicated with her all this time. I believe that maybe a child coming into my life will be something new to live for and I will not need to have emotional needs fulfilled by my online friend. I want to do this, but is this the way and am I right? I wanted to ask for opinions. Because I know once I let go of my online friend I will probably be terribly alone again. Will bringing a child into my family help to secure it and put my focus off this woman I love online?
I do love my wife - she is an incredible woman and a wonderful partner for life. But I must admit shamefully that if my online woman gave me a real chance to be with her for real, I would take it. But we are in a deadlock, because she will never tell me that. She's helped be an incredible friend for lots of personal issues I had, but she always says I should work it out with the one I married and says that she knows herself that she is not the answer and will hurt my marriage. But she cares for me and when I am distraught, I always reach out to her in pain and she doesn't have the heart to kick me away but always listens. Which is one of the things very few have done for me.
I know the right thing for my wife and for my future child if I have one will be to let her go. Will bringing a child into my life help me do this....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by freddy5791:
<strong> Will bringing a child into my life help me do this.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't even think about this. Why would yo innocently bring a child into this mess of yours? If you want to Divorce your wife, do whatever you feel you need to do, but DO NOT bring a child into this hoping they will help your marriage....Be honest with your wife. Let her know that you would be with the OW if you had your choice. Your wife desereves the truth and should know what "she is getting" if she stays with you and pursues a child. Children NEVER help a bad marriage. NEVER. That child won't help you "fall in love" with your wife, it will create resentment and more pain for all.

Not just no but H*LL NO!!!!!!

If things are rocky now, throw in the added stress of a child, you end up feeling trapped, it could make it worse.

Fix it before you even THINK about putting a child on this earth. You have no idea what a child will do to your marriage at this point.

If you have a child, and it doesnt help, then what??

Oh God...please do NOT have a child..please please please!

I don't know what is going to happen in my marriage but I thank God every day that we don't have children together to drag through this mess.

Please don't even consider having a baby with your wife. You need to get your life straight!
My H left me and my son and we were trying to have a baby. Let me tell you....it has been awful for my son. Children deserve so much better. Please tell your wife about how you feel and work on your marriage if that's what you want....if not...let your wife go so she can move on with her life.

This is no problem at all. Just let your wife know that you are in love with your on-line friend, and divorce her. Then you and your new friend can have a nice life together - or not. Only 3% of these extramarital relationships work out, but do your wife a favor, and let her find someone that cares for her.

I agree with believer! You either want to save your marriage and stay commited to the woman you married or divorce her and let her move on with someone who will love her with all that they have!

Just be honest and don't be a jerk. Your wife would be better off with sperrm donar. Why bring a child into a relationship that you have already left! That's not fair to anybody.

Just get a divorce. Let your wife move on while she's still young enough to have a child. Give her time to heal and find a man who can live up to his marriage vows, be truthful and love her forever. A man who wants to be with her and wants to be a father. Then she can start the family she so dearly wants without a cloud over it.

You've already moved on anyway. Tell HER about it, big man.

Hello freddy,

Welcome to Marriage Builders(MB).

Well you have already received some advice from other's here about bringing a child into this mess and I will also have to agree with what was said.You need a loving,stable,committed marriage and homelife waiting for a child to enter into,not one wrought with pain,adultery and mixed emotions.Please do not consider this right now.With EITHER woman.

Second,I understand how you feel about this OW.Really,if you spend any time here reading you will come to know that what you are feeling is very common and NOT unique when you are up to your neck in an adulterous relationship.As much as you say you want to be with this OW,it's an ugly,selfish and extremely painful decision you have made and so has this OW.You no doubt feel that this thing you have with her is special,unique,what you have been looking for all your life,you are soul mates,she understands you like no other.....and so on and so on.We have all heard it time and time again.

But what reality will ultimately throw in your path is financial problems,guilt,two destroyed families/marriages,HUGE pain and suffering and a bond of selfishness,dishonesty and a statistically abysmal success rate that basically adds up to zero if you do leave your W for this OW.You might not agree since many of you WS's(wayward spouses) who are actively involved in adultery do not believe any of this and think that you are THE ones to survive it all.

However,this OW already knows she is not leaving her H.She wants you to work on your marriage.You both think you are special and upstanding citizens yet the reality is you are both involved in wrecking eachother's marriages.Do you really understand what it means to be someone who would be involved with another man's wife?

Your cousneling didn't go well I think in part because you have not let this other woman go completely.You pine away for her and what COULD be and no one can compete with a fantasy.Not when you build it up in your mind that way.Now you have started this all over again and this other woman is so understanding right? She wouldn't dare have a bad thing to say about you or what she is doing to her family or what you are doing to yours because it's still all a fantasy about caring which is totally hypocritical of her and of you.If you cared at all about each other,truly,you would end this painful saga and turn toward those you MARRIED and have entrusted their lives and hearts with.

So,if you really want help,we would all be willing to help but understand that you have to want help and you have to stop the adultery.if you continue contact with this OW and she with you,there is admittedly little hope of anything positive coming out of this situation except pain and broken hearts all around.Believe me when I tell you that even if you did leave your wife and she left her H and you started on some grand journey together,life WILL come knocking on your door and present all it's myriad of issues and problems just like it does to each and everyone of us.

The first step to any kind of recovery,and I assume you are here to get help for your marriage(if not then you should not be here) then the first step is NO CONTACT with this OW for LIFE.Read up on Dr.Harley's website here and his books on this matter.

I do not think you will receive any other answer as to if you should have a baby with your W right now so then the question is: do you want to save your marriage?

O

Wow, I guess there aren't any split opinions on that here. Maybe I am really naive. I have a few coworkers and quite a few friends who are fathers and they have said that their children have redefined their meaning of life. I guess I am hoping that having a family will help shift my focus on life. My marriage is not a horrible one and my wife is a really great person who wants to make it work with me. I try too, but I feel also that I am being forced to be something I am not. I know that no relationship is perfect and I may never find another woman like her. I do want to make it work. My only dilemma now is how to do this. I am petrified at having to tell her that for almost a year I went back to talking to someone she had thought was out of our lives.

Does she need to know this? Am I not better off sparing her if I am going to break this off anyway? The OW is better off I think. She is not married but in a relationship. But unlike me she has been completely honest with her BF. At the very least she doesn't have the issue of having to break the news to him that she has been lying to him all these months. She also loves him and has made that very clear to me. She talks to me because she can't find it in her to be cold to me, but she's also asked me several times to not contact her.

I am in a bind. All I want is to feel for my wife what I feel for her. And also I don't want for my wife to have to feel this pain. I thought that maybe if I break it off in secret and move forward with the next step in my family, things will get better. I do love kids and I've always known I'd have them eventually. Am I dillusioned? Has anyone had this situation where they had a child after breaking off an online relationship? Didn't this help change the perspective on life and one's emotions? I'd love to hear from anyone like that.

Freddy, the title of this thread says it all. "I love someone else".

I'm a FWW (former wandering wife) and I know where you're at and I also know it's a crock.

Please do not bring a baby into this situation. Divorce your wife. Isn't that what you want? To be with the "person you love".

Jen

<small>[ January 02, 2005, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ. ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KiwiJ.:
<strong> Freddy, the title of this thread says it all. "I love someone else".

I'm a FWW (former wandering wife) and I know where you're at and I also know it's a crock.

Please do not bring a baby into this situation. Divorce your wife. Isn't that what you want? To be with the "person you love".

Jen </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I agree with this post. Fred, if you "love" this OW so much, please tell your wife tonight the truth and move out tonight and give it a "go" with the OW. You have to put your money where your heart is here buddy.

YOu love the OW right? , go for it now and give your wife a chance at "love" someday. You are being selfish here. This does not seem like a tough decision at all. Your love for the OW should overpower any guilt you have for leaving your wife, so this shouldn't be hard.

LM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a few coworkers and quite a few friends who are fathers and they have said that their children have redefined their meaning of life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No child should be brought into this world so that we "can redifine ourself"...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> That's a heavy BURDEN to heap on an innocent child. Grow up yourself BEFORE you have a baby!

Blessings,
Atruheart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Can I make a suggestion?

You're right...NO split opinions on the baby issue. So please shelve that idea here and now.

if you TRULY want to save your marriage, please start a new thread asking for help on how to do that. But be prepared for a few 2X4's. The advice you'll get may be hard..and may seem harsh...but it's out of concern for you and your sife.

You will get less 2X4's if you are REALLY willing to save your marriage. If you're confused, admit it. If you're unsure, admit it. If you don't know how to find the right path, admit it, ask for help, and keep and open heart and mind with the advice you receive.

either way your wife needs and deserves to know the truth so she can make her own informed decision about the marriage, but i'll leave that alone unless I see a new post from you about saving your marriage.

No baby.

Admit continued contact.

End all contact with OM, permanently, giving your own W a choice about her future, and try to work on your marriage, OR ditch your wife and start your new life as a card-carrying cheater.

GC

freddy,

A child is a wonderful blessing from God and is such a special experience,I can't tell you how much more my heart grew when I had my two beautiful daughter's.But until you get your own life in order,you cannot expect a child to make it all better for you.That is a very false and misguided assumption and a risk that you should not take right now if indeed your marriage ends.I am a child of divorce and with our divorce(D) rates so high still,you want the best chance for your child to grow up in a loving stable home.First things first.We speak from experience here.Unless your friends have dealt with Infidelity AND wanting a child in the midst of all of it,then they are not the best sources of advice right now as caring as they may be.

Ok,so your OW isn't married.That is a good thing although her BF I am sure was just as hurt by this news.But,your W does need to know the truth ok? Believe me,this subject has come up many times before and repeated contact between the A partners is a very painful realization.I went through this myself 3+ times.Your W deserves to know that you are still being dishonest with her.You may think protecting her is better but that's really just to save yourself,isn't it? WS's all think that is best but it's not.Your W deserves to know evertyhing so SHE can decide whether or not to stay with you and right now she has a false impression of you.You've lied to her.Please start making some selfless decisions and come clean.

In order for you to have "in love" feelings again with your W,or at least the chance to,you have to get rid of the OW.You cannot develop feelings again for your W if OW is still involved with you,filling emotional needs and listening to you and comforting you,all the things your WIFE should be doing.You have to let the emotions with the OW DIE so you can renew them with your W and it CAN happen.Read over on the recovery board for a while.It's very hard work to get there but well worth the effort if you both are committed.You said you DO want to make it work.So,let us help you.You have to have a plan to do this and stick to it and the first very important step is NC(no contact) with the OW.Remember,the grass isn't always greener on the other side,you just think it is.

One other thought for now.When you tell your W that you have been lying,and this is not negotiable,ask her to come here and at least read.This site is mainly filled with betrayed spouses(BS's) like me so she will get a lot of support to deal with it all and we can help both of you get to a loving and happy marriage again.Consider counseling with Steve Harley(phone) or Penny Tupy.

O

Tell your wife about the contact. Do not have a baby at this time. Children should not have the job of keeping their parents together. Having children is extremely stressful and you need to make sure you can stay with your wife for the next 20 years first.

I agree with believer. Tell your wife.

Follow your fantasy and let me predict your future.

The on-line woman will turn out to be quite inferior to your wife. Within two years you won't believe what an idiot your were. You will try to win your current wife back, but she is such a great catch that she has a new man who is crazy about her and ready to marry her. You try to win her over, she thinks about how you lied to her. She marries her new H and has three kids and lives in the suburbs a happy woman. You wander from relationship to relationship until you find out that it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. That what you are searching for is what is lacking in you.

PLEASE-I have been reading these sites for four years. You are VERY typical. Give your wife a break. She needs a real man. I'd love to see you chase your on-line honey because I know you are going to fall on your face. You have no idea.

OK-enough with the anger-I really feel for your wife. I bet she really is terrific. You'd better tell her the truth. If you have any self respect, you will let her into your lies-she will never trust you again if she finds out. She may never trust you anyway, but this is your only chance. Do not leave her out of this triangle. AND DO NOT BRING AN INNOCENT CHILD INTO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why wouldn't you tell her-are you afraid she'll leave? Dude-this on line thing is a fantasy-please read and save yourself. Don't be a fool.

One more thing-when you say you love someone else what you are really saying is that you have a physical chemical attraction to them that will fade within two years. Did you have this in the begining of your relationship with your wife? It is like an addictive drug, that is why No Contact with the OW is necessary. Your marriage cannot heal unless you never contact her again. This really is so typical.

Let me guess-you're soulmates. No one has ever understood you like her. We think alike and finish each others sentences. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

Hi everyone.
I am the OW in this fiasco. Incidentally I have told 'freddy' that our communication has come to an end as of several days ago and this morning he emailed me a long letter saying that he understands, will need to work it out with his wife, and as part of the letter, sent me this link.
I only want to say that I think very few people know what they are getting into, especially when something starts online. Knowing what I know today I fully think that EVERY forum out there should have a disclaimer warning people, esp those in relationships about the dangers of getting to close to people they meet online. Most of us don't know what hit them.
I met freddy when I wasn't even in a relationship as my BF and I had broken up at the time, and we met in an innocent forum discussing how to care for our mothers who both had cancer. I didn't even know that freddy was married until a few weeks later when he disclosed that. And since we were "just friends", and I had no idea how complicated things can get I didn't even know what was coming.
However unlike freddy I don't keep anything secret. My BF and I have gotten back together and I disclosed my communication with someone I met online immediately. My BF is welcome to read my emails anytime he wants to and I don't hide them. For some reason I dont understand to this day he is not jealous of this communication although I have told him that one word from him and I would stop communicating. Freddy knows this too. This does not make me perfect, yes I know I have communicated with a married man. I grew to care for him and have had a terrible weakness turning him away. I know I am in the wrong. But I am willing to do what it takes to make this right. Every day I have only felt horrified how I got into this mess. But I do want to get out of it.
I am not an inferior person to Freddy's wife. I am just a different person with a different set of problems. And yes, if one keeps running away from their problems they will never have what it takes to work with them and stay in a committed relationship. And I certainly don't care to break up a marriage. I hope I will learn from my mistakes and move on to be a better person.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by stefanieOW:
<strong>But I am willing to do what it takes to make this right.

I am not an inferior person to Freddy's wife.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Stef - then contact her and apologize for your involvement in this mess. Then we may be able to agree with the second statement.