The following account is not meant as a gloat, but as reminders of God’s Universal Laws. They too are confirmation of what so many of you keep saying here, that the truth will be revealed and that a life lived well has its rewards. SH called it when he told me 4 months ago that by the new year, the cracks will start showing in my WxW bubble. He said that the chances of an Affair (i.e. lie) based, long distance, interracial, cross cultural R bxn two people w/ kids whose marriages were ended by Affairs has ZERO chance in lasting. I was instructed to live my life well so that I can be there for my children when their mother’s world falls apart. He encouraged me to work on me and stay away from WxW so that she can’t blame her implosion on me. The distance, too will help me heal and allow me to be ready for a R that honors me even if it’s one day my reformed (a must and probability he said) WxW. Leave the rest to time and God he said.
As part of my own “clearing and closure†process, I wrote the following to my WxW and gave it to her at the New Years Eve service at our church:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WxW:
As this year closes, I wanted to offer you explanation for my recent behavior and an opportunity to clean the slate for this new year.
I love you. There. I loved you from the moment I danced with you that October evening in ’83. You cried on my shoulder and we talked. I realized then you were worth it. I loved you when we first kissed. I knew then you’d be hard to let go. When you told me that September night on the beach that you weren’t worthy to love, because you made a hard choice, I merely loved you more, on through the years, to even now. My love grew. My love became more than a great feeling that you created in me; it became an action that I decided to express for life. My love for you deepened and changed. It turned to admiration as you blossomed as a woman. It settled to peace as I made a home with you. It transformed to joy as we brought our sons to the world. Stronger and deeper, it became a passion—my life with you—without compare. By loving you in this often too real world that fanciful feeling became the truest thing in my life.
What does one do with such feelings? Who knows? Since you’ve left, I’ve tried to give you your space (some naively say that you can’t ‘give someone space, they take it’). I’ve been focused on healing me and raising the boys. I’ve connected with family in a way I’ve never had before and seen the real meaning of friendship expressed. ‘Love’ has knocked as has desire, for women love a “wronged and wounded†man, don’t they? But still, WxW I love you.
Because of my love and commitment, I need to do a few things. First I must apologize. I have listened to so many folks, but apparently was poor in listening to you. I’m sorry that I did not give you what you needed from a partner. I’m sorry for letting fear, not faith, dominate our relationship. I’m sorry, WxW, for the anger I’ve shown you this year, for not getting help until I was overwhelmed.
Secondly I must forgive. I must forgive you the pain your leavings have caused me. I must forgive you the anger you’ve displayed to me this year or the special moments I’ll not have with our children. I must let go of the life I had, for it is as fog, lifting in the rising sun. My life is nothing I want it to be right now, but I mustn’t hold you, OM, or anyone guilty for that. Loving you, then, means releasing you. It doesn’t fee good, but it is the right choice.
The irony of my experience is that interaction with me has prompted several couples around me to reassess, reconcile or return to their marriages. It’s good that this experience has in some way helped other families, but WxW, I miss you and the family we made together.
My counselors say it will take upward of two years for me to heal. I shouldn’t engage in intimate relationships until then because relationships born of these circumstances nearly always fail. I’ve been lauded for my strength, my will and my character. I guess, then, this has made me a better man. You know I don’t believe many of the mythologies of love. Yet one thing was true for me: You are a precious jewel that still resides in a most special place. You’re my One. Those feelings have been put away, for you do not want them. My prayers must be in silence for they are only for God’s ears. My expressions must be muted for the world thinks me a fool. But though our lives may find us in different places, know that in all the world, one man loved you before, loves you because, and will love you despite all you are and may come to be.
That said, I’ll be the dad our sons need, cooperate with you in their raising bless you, WxW, release you and speak of this no more.
DLC
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her response to the above? She called me later, crying. She said that the letter made her feel bad b/c she never wanted to make me feel bad. She told me that she’s “not much†and I “deserve much moreâ€. She admitted--for the first time ever--that she knows what she did was wrong. She further apologized for breaking my trust and not being able to commit to me. She recognized that I did right by her and wondered aloud why she couldn’t do the same. She said she “doesn’t know what to do with all of thisâ€, and that she wanted very much for us to be friends. “Who knows what the future brings?†stated.
I replied that “You don’t have to do anything with thisâ€. I’m working on me now and any relationship we may have must take place after healing and true forgiveness have taken place. I told her I have no expectations of her outside of being a cooperative mom. I don’t need or want any response to my stated position. I can’t hate the mother of my children and ever truly love them well, I explained. That doesn’t mean we need to be together, though. I’ll let the future take care of itself.
Later that night she calls a mutual friend (and reformed enabler of WxW’s 2nd A) with whom I was celebrating New Years, and tells her that she’s lonely, that she hates the long distance nature of her R with OM, that he can’t get a transfer (Homeland Security cut funding to a proposed branch facility in our city). He can’t get a job making less than a certain amount b/c of his own child support obligations, blah, blah. She cried that her medical practice is failing and that she doesn’t understand what’s happening. Our friend’s reply: “You made this mess. You will have to unmake itâ€.
That same night, by chance, I met a man who 10 years ago met my WxW and enabled her first A while she was in med school. He’s since spent the last several years as a confidant who listened to her version of this A, and our Dv. After realizing who I was, this man I was never supposed to meet questioned me on my beliefs and motivations for not retaliating against WxW or OM and was taken aback by my honesty and faith. He said I was nothing like he imagined or was told. He called WxW and told her how wrong she’s been and admonished her for taking no responsibility for her actions. By the end of New Years night, I’d received three apologizes, two from the former enablers, one from WxW. I expected none of this when I woke up crying (again) New Years Eve. I just asked God to bring peace in my life world and affairs (no pun intended). I must discipline myself t stay away from WxW remember that right is right, and keep faithing that my own life will improve.
