This may not be the right place as I am a FWS but I really need support from anyone willing to give it to me.....

I really need advice and support to keep my head above water.

He filed for Divorce, What now? at
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t53215/

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=34;t=012342

I realize that what I am going through is my fault, but I have no one to talk to. Go 2 my second IT tomorrow.

This weekend went 1/2 and 1/2 ok, we actually went to my relatives in Illinois. He came with. He went home early with my brother/sis in law. I talked to him @ midnight wished him Happy New Year, we said I love yous...Talked to him Sat morning and he sounded like my old H, he was so loving. I said goodmorning and so did he, we had a great conversation. Said the weather was bad at home and not to drive home until Sunday, which I did. All phone conversations went well.

Got home on Sunday @ 4:00, his D was excited to see him as was I. I miss him terribly, but I try not to overdue it so I don't push him away. I just gave him a hug cuz I was home and wished him a HAppy New Year. I said you don't want to hug me back? He went ballistic....said what do you want from me? He says he wants to be my friend but he shows such hostility. I can't deal with it, I am so emotional I've become hopeless. Went to church this morning and my eyes automatically welled up. I just can't do anything right. I am lost.....I have no strentgh to keep going. If he doesn't want me, I ned to give up, this hurts to bad. I realize I put him and myself in this situation but if we are supposed to be moving forward with the DV civally and friends it will never happen. What can I do, I need your help.


I'm no longer hopeful...just patiently waiting for the hurt to subside!
SG

<small>[ January 02, 2005, 06:05 PM: Message edited by: Saving Grace ]</small>

Everybody needs some time to heal. Just keep trying to stay loving and prove your faithfulness. I don't know your story but on my end, it's hard being a BS. It's hard to build trust again. It's difficult to be physical again.

Just do your best. It sounds like you're on a good path. Watch the LB-ing. Keep filling his love bank.

Thanks Hurting Carol~

I know this is very difficult for him. He just came up to the pc room to ask if I was ok and to apologize for his hostility.

With tears welling up I said I ok I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be to lovey dovey to you because I don't want to push you away and I don't want to ignore you because I don't want you to think I don't care, I have no happy medium. He said he understood and said he was going to fill up my car with gas.

Even now I look at him filling my car up as fillin up my bank. I will have his overflowin soon...

I tried so hard to show him everyday how much I love him and I know it is a long road to build his trust but it won't work if he is always so hostile but wants to try and have a civil divorce.

You have to accept that this will take a lot of hard work and effort on your part and his part. YOu cannot heal this overnight and this may take a very very long time. Take it a day at a time. Get IC as you are doing. YOu cannot "fix" this today or tomorrow. There will be set backs, and you have to realize this.

Hi SG,

Glad to see you have moved over here. The roller coaster will go on for awhile. I would like to offer you something to consider when you get a strong reaction from our H. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The opposite of love is not hate,it is indifference. Eli Weismann </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You got a strong reaction. It was NOT what you wanted but it sure beats "whatever". Take solice in the reaction.

God Bless,

JL

Okay Sweetie. You took some 2x4's in the other forum, but that's allright. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It's all good, because even then you get something new to think about.

Some of the people that posted to you were concerned that you were being emotionally manipulative and needy with your BH. I think that could be a valid concern. Because if it's their perception, could it be your husband's perception as well? Could it become his perception at some later date?

It's okay to vent, and okay to cry. But he doesn't need to see that. It's counter-productive in that it's likely to produce a guilt response from him, which will then lead to resentment.

Perception becomes the truth in some cases. You could be totally open and honest with him, but if he believes you are "handling" him.....well, that wouldn't be a good thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I like the idea that you had for a letter. I think you should write it and post it here before you give it to him. It's important for him to know what your feelings are.

Maybe you could include the fact that you are trying very hard to step back and let him make his own decisions without undo pressure from you. That you love him, and that you're working hard everyday, but you don't want him to feel manipulated, so you're going to try and show him fewer tears. (This opens up the possibility that you can have some more positive interactions without imposing guilt on him, btw.)

This is a process, hon. It's going to take time, and patience. You can't flood his LoveBank here. It's one day at a time, one coin at a time....consistancy without pressure.

Saving Grace,

read Hopeful_Person . She stick it up after Dv and made it. She threw one stone at a time and made a bridge crossing a river.

Whatever you do ... make sure 10 years from now you could look at the mirror and you could say you give your best.

-rh-

Thanks Ladyjane-

Its still advice I guess.

I'm not sure what to do with the letter. I somewhat pladgerized(sp) it because I am not a good letter writer but I changed it to suit me and our situation. I don't know if that was right or not but the ltr was exactly what I was thinking but couldn't put down in paper. You see even that I can't do on my own <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I think this is the step I need to take. I am busy but I will try and write more later. I have a therapy session tonight.

SG

Oh I have read hopeful_persons threads. I am in aw of her.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SAving Grace,
I just happened to come here tonight and saw that Redhat mentioned my story to you. I'm glad I read this today!

Please don't give up. This is all very new to you. Hang in there.

My husband and I didn't hug from the time I had him move out in Fall 2000 until once when I forced one on him in Fall 2002. (after something bad happened to one of our children) He didn't hug me back, but I said nothing. I asked him for one in Fall 2003 after our son had surgery, and he said, "No". I didn't get the hug I wanted until December 29, 2003. (And I asked for it then, too!) Give it time! It was truly the best hug of my life, followed in a few days after that by his forgiveness and expressed love for me. It still truly seems like a miracle as he was so mad/rejecting towards me for so long. We remarried shortly after that.

He filed for divorce in July 2001. It was final in the summer of 2002. I ended the ridiculous affair in the summer of 2002,by the way, right before the divorce was final. I started Plan A shortly after the divorce was final, after the affair was over.

Again, keep in mind...I didn't get a hug from him until 15 months after I started PLan A. Patience and time, time, time. You can do it.

Hang in there, and love him without being pushy. I rarely talked to my husband during Plan A, as he pushed me away. Sometimes he showed me hate, but more often it was pure indifference. Be consistent, be calm, be kind.

If your man is like mine, he needs time, time, time.

Take care,
HP

HP,

Boy, your ears must be burning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I have been referencing all sorts of people to your posts. It is good to see you here. I hope you had a great holiday and that your life is full of peace and joy.

There are a few other ladies around here that can use your help.

God Bless,

JL

Wow I feel so honored to now be a part of HP's posts.

Thank you for taking time for me. Can any of you guide me on understanding how to Plan A during a divorce I obviously am not doing so well.

I have to thank everyone who sent me your way HP. You seem to be a hope (no pun intended) for alot of people.

I had therapy tonight and it went well. Go again on Thursday and will talk to OB about meds for depression.

I came home right after therapy and spent the rest of the evening working on my letter to my H and we had a really good night.

I know you don't post alot anymore HP but if you get the chance please check in on me now and then, I would appreciate it very much.

ANd I so appreciate evryone else that has given me alot of courage to have strength and patience and I'm glad they are here.

This is so hard right now as I don't understand the concept of patience. And the fact that I am so over emotional.

It's late so I need to scurry to bed. I will talk some tomorrow and tell you all more about therapy.......and some decisions I have made about the business <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />